High

- aftermath of getting too involved in a book : No Way To Say Goodbye by Anna McPartlin.

#HIGH

Is this what it is to get high?
Tell me love, how that comes by.

I lived in a day.

A woman's pain and gain
I saw all her sorrows and stains,
As a man, an addict
Thinking *high* never had a limit,
Children seeing that love
Will not or ever last,
That death would claim it
Or it would come to pass.

An alcoholic, a junkie,
A victim of rape.

I'm on a high of my own terrain.

On a smell, a rustle that took me away
Away from another night alone in the rain,
You gave me my escape love,
You gave me my escape.
But like the story,
Are we too eventually to fade?
If we do, I hope we relight another night,
A bed, a whiskey bottle, soft songs to sing.

Maybe another time and another day,
For I know from your smoke, we are on different ways .

Burn

You came from the mountains,
You roared like a king, a lion,
Then you revealed your stripes.

You dragged yourself on to land,
It seemed like a trident in your hand,
But you weren't Poseidon, not to me.

You seemed to be the thunder,
The cloud burst to clear my mind.
But you were the lightning.

You were the lightning that set me free
By burning away that I used
To think was the best in me.

Trusting. Rusting.

Trusting. Rusting.
Crumbling to dust before the eyes.
Don't love your life so much,
The little bird said -
Because it's only with some trust
That anyone gets ahead.

Trusting. The slow process where
Everything may be revealed
To that one whom you believe in.
The guardian of your secrets.
Rusting. When moisture oxidized iron
And makes it Brown and Weary,
Somewhat (tetany) Scary.
People rust too from the inside.
Crumbling to dust. When nothing is left,
Not even the shell and the spirit,
It flies free. It's ok to make mistakes,
The little bird said -
It's the only way you learn.

Trusting. Rusting.
Crumbling to dust before the eyes.
Can you let go and fly with me?
The little bird asked -
I promise you won't regret the flight.

She

She is more than just a rock in the sea.
She is the weather, fierce and proud.
She is the sea, pulling and pushing.
She is the sky, calm yet rolling.
She is more than the smooth rock you cling to in the sea.

She is quiet yet her mind speaks continuously non-stop.
She listens, understands yet doesn't agree.
She knows the difference between true and wrong,
Yet she will always see.
Her why is always answered.

She may wear a guide of an angel,
While being the devil's temptress.
She is a shape-changer
Who always stays the same.
She might drink, smoke, cry, shout,
All this and more - you'll never know.

She guards her secrets by letting them be open,
Little messages and hints, small puzzle pieces.
Almost never has one ever placed them together,
Never has one seen the whole picture.
She is nothing good yet nothing bad -

Only doomed, to forever see those sad.

Just for once

Just for once-

Miss her,
Feel her,
Watch her going through
These motions of everyday;
She doesn't care for it;
Just miss her,
Shout out to her,
Feel her across this space,
That distance keeping her
From you, your sight;
She is blind and wandering;
Just feel her,
Think of her,
Help her wake up and see
The world that she is missing;
She just made one mistake,
She loved too much and more,
Still does;
You are what she's looking for.

Will she ever find you?
Just let her,
Just for once.

Description

What is that?
In those spaces
That I can't describe.
That single moment,
Many moments and memories
That rush at me, blind me,
Make me laugh
And send shivers down my spine.

What is that?
In those words
I just cannot say.
Feelings, more mixed,
Some weird high,
The catch in my throat,
Warm feeling in my gut,
I don't know, I don't know.

What is that?
I'm trying to tell the world.
Will someone please,
Please tell me -
Is this what you call love?
Then free me,
Else my heart will break.

It will run, fall and shatter,
And nothing more will ever matter.

Destructive

Part of a conversation I had with a friend. The question was "Why is it like that?" That being why we sometimes fall in love with the person you least expect yourself to be in love with. And this was the reply.

"I am totally lost to a guy who is the epitome of what I was and am scared of and fear and dislike. And yet he makes me look beyond the hazy smoky exterior to a blinding chaos of colours which is inside, which is what I never expected to find anywhere, which can calm me and excite me, which can quite well destroy me because I have given up so much...that he doesn't know or pretends he doesn't know.

That is a person with whom I never expected to fall in love.

It can happen. Sometimes. But it happens.

It's not why it should be like that. It's sometimes like that. No one knows why I guess :)"

Indifference

You Do NOT
Understand. Me.
You.
Blame me for my actions
That I have seen since
I remember and more
That I have not done for
The lethargy is contagious.
I Will NOT
Try. Anymore. Not for you.

I love.
You. Others. A man that
You would never accept.
And you, who have a right
To steal, grab, wrench,
My love, my care, a piece of mind,
You. I have to and must
And will love.
But not near you, not a mile
Away, not in the same city,
The same region, no. No.
From far away, yes. And only
Away.

You still do not
Understand. Why do I
Talk in a way, that is so
Unlike
You, your conceptions, your
Expectations and society's.
Because I am not
Yours
Though I love you and others.
Though I love him, that man.

I love.
I give my heart, not
Myself.
It's mine. I'm sorry,
But I will be
Indifferent
To you. Like pain that
I am so used to.
Indifference.
To you.

All because you cannot understand.

Il pleuvait quand...

Il pleuvait quand
J'ai regardé premièrement tu te promenais
Seul avec une cig comme ami.
Il pleuvait quand
Je t'ai vu par ma fenêtre
Encore avec une cig dans ton main
Et une expression pensive.
Il pleuvait quand
Tu m'a trouvé premièrement
Où je me suis cachée pleurant.
Il pleuvait quand
Tu m'a mis près de toi
Et m'a demandé, Pourquoi?
Il pleuvait quand
Tu m'a demandé si
Je voudrais aussi fumer.
Et il pleuvait encore
Quand j'ai dit, Non -

Et je ne t'ai jamais vu encore.

It was raining

It was raining when
I first saw you walking
Alone with a smoke as company.
It was raining when
I spied you outside my window
Still a smoke in your hand
And a thoughtful expression.
It was raining when
You first found me
In my hiding spot in tears.
It was raining when
You pulled me close
And asked, Why?
It was raining when
You asked me if
I want a smoke.
And it was still raining
When I said, No.

And I never saw you again.

Trust

Life is a game my dear
Where trust is what one fears
For it will take to you to heights
May be as far as 3600m high
Only to insult and crash
Like a plane engine trashed
At midnight under stars
Jealous of your falling star
For no reason other than you fell
And they believe themselves stuck
But one thinks and hopes the grass
Always greener on the other side.

Eros

I feel you.
The scent of male,
The flexing muscles,
The hardness against me.
I want you.
Pressed against me,
Arms around me,
Face at the crook of my neck.
I need you.
It may seem like lust,
And so it is but
There's so much more.
You feel me.
You want me.
You need me.
We're just begging for more.

Unrequited

She tries to sleep. It evades her skilfully. Her eyes droop shut, heavy with exhaustion but they don't sleep. Not yet.
His face comes back to her. An image in her mind, yet so real as though she may reach out and touch it. But where he is and what he does is unknown, like a riddle never solved.
Why are there promises, or that which seems like promises, which are made just to be broken? Even the simplest ones - I will meet you afterwards, I'll come. It's a promise, isn't it? Or did she misinterpret?
Lonely nights spent wandering the roads and listening to music doesn't help anymore. The solitude doesn't help anymore. Sleep doesn't come anymore. Nothing works anymore.
It's as if doubt has overcome her.
She was called selfish, she was called arrogant. Named as sensitive, named as callous. What did she do? Care and love in the only few ways she knows how to. By noticing a hole in a t-shirt and replacing it. Finding torn clothes and stitching it. Putting to wash a blanket maybe, but then these are things anyone may do. Sharing her food, sharing her money. Sharing a bit of happiness which she thinks others might smile at...even if only for a moment. Others meaning him of course.
Yet none of this matters does it? Executing what is impossible for her must be the proof. Then let there be no proof. Calling too often is a crime nowadays, maybe. It is, of course, a waste of money. So no more calls. No more anything.
Irritating, the mere presence of her is irritating. Not just to him either. So why bother, it was easier in quiet solitude.
Unrequited love seems a better option. Loving from a distance has the advantage that it will never open you up for folly. It may hurt to just watch but at least it would have been your own choice. It would infinitely feel better than being forced into watching, seeing yourself lose all influence with the one you care about the most.
Unrequited love. A sort of unconscious, unconditional love. And have you noticed yet? All those begin with U.
You.

Just For Now

I feel none, just sitting in a box,
Of whose I miss the locks,
I stare out, up at a sky,
Dotted with stars and fireflies;
Maybe one day, I'll get up and out there,
Maybe one day, I'll know that which is fair,
Maybe one day, I'll find the secrets to souls
Maybe one day, everything will be revealed on its own;
But for now in my box,
I'm caught yet I'm not,
Now in my box,
I'm cosy and I'm warm;
Curiosity strikes me hard and deep,
Yet somehow I hesitate from making the leap,
I'm so far from where I thought to go,
So far from once strong lived hopes and lows;
Stuck in my box, I still wonder,
I still want to try stirring waters,
Still would like to think as though
The black sheep is what I am, yet,
My trials seem so far away from this end.

Deaf and dumb

Deaf and Dumb

She just needed to hear two words from him, but he couldn't say it. Their love remained unknown, she deaf and him dumb, staring at each other across the road.

Silent Love Silenced

In a soft rain that seeped into them -
The scent of soil tainting his -
A cloth that slowly slipped away,
A soft brown shoulder as of yet untouched
Gently pushed back, a bare back against the hard and wet
Wall behind pressed into delicate skin -
The slight pain kissed away by the lover
Arousal in her, drawing out a quiet sound -
His hands on her stomach, her hips,
Standing body to body, lips to lips -
A drenched white shirt, pushed back,
Fell on the floor, turned brown as the rain grew -
In strength, quiet silent strength,
Her mouth covered by his, there is no sound -
The rain fell and fell, no one knew.
One late evening, it just happened and it happens
More often than you know, the power of love,
What one may think, do, gain or lose -
The rain will fall and fall,
And now mix with her tears as they drop to the floor,
Her only support before her yet behind somehow,
Tears fall, there will be more -
It continues next day when
You know not what to say
And his eyes betray his thoughts
As hers guard the pain inside,
When no one knows, the rain fell and fell -
Another proposal came, took her away
And they were lost to each other forever,
His action and wish had come too late,
Only memories , bittersweet remain -
Of the rain falling, the mist guarding,
Their silent love -
Which has now been silenced, la fin.

Sworn off love, yet...

Love takes one by surprise
Always when one is trying to hide,
I had sworn away from love
But I fell again twice -
As a person, to arouse my curiosity,
As a friend, to rouse my loyalty.
The loneliness I built around me -
One took it down in several days
And laid the kiss that send it to ruin.
As a friend, to awaken my soul -
Someone I stare at and more
To wonder how it came to be,
That opposites may stay together
And feel so much!
I, who had never felt before,
And fell twice!
And of thrice being the last,
I hope I've made myself wise -
Because no one would wish
To be heartbroken thrice.

I dream of...

Of star gazing together,
Holding hands,
Lying down on silken sands,
Waves splashing gently a little away,
His fingers entwined in mine lifted to his face,
Falling asleep in his arms,
A warm, mosquito-less night out,
Waking up sandy and laughing out loud -
A dream where he'll caress my face,
Pull me close and regard me a little dazed,
Where everything is fine on silken sands,
Where we're happy together hand in hand,
Where we can escape to, alone in each other's thoughts,
Where no one will find us,
Where sweet love is all.

To Those who will know

Dear You,

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of making your heart's longings come true.
I don't care how old you are. I want to know if you'll risk looking like a fool to chase your dreams and your passion, for the adventure of being alive.
And I want to know if you can sit with pain without moving to hide it or fix it. I want to know if you can handle joy, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy take over and throw caution to the wind and just be.
I want to know if you can live with failure and still stand at the edge of a lake and shout out to a full silver moon.
It doesn't matter who you know or how you came here. I want to know if you'll stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink away.
I don't care with whom or how or where you studied and what you've done. It's your past and I respect it for making you who you are now but it will not bother me. I want to know what sustains you from inside when all else falls away and if you like the company you keep in the truly empty moments.
In short, I'm curious about you. I loved you without fully understanding, there was only acceptance. I love you now with a growing comprehension and respect. Each day is something new even with routine and I'll still love you when you're gone.
For you have filled in me, a space and opened the doors to the Now. But these are just fragments, please understand.
I love you, because you are and because I am and because we are and what we will be.
I love. You.

27.10.2014

Love,
Me.

Do you even realise...

Do you even realise
What you put me through?
Each word goes deeper
Than you think will.
Each sentence is marked
Down on this tired heart.
Every expression is noted
And understood in levels.

Do you even realise
What you put me through?
It may just be a joke to you,
Maybe it's me who's hard to talk to,
Maybe it's BOTH of us
And the circumstances don't favour
The words that pass between us.

Do you even realise
What you put me through?
When I have to watch
A gradual self destruction,
An eventual self deprivation
And a final painful decision.
So I say, How terrible it is
To love one whom death can touch.

À Mon Coeur

Tu me captive,
Je te désire;
Tu me sens,
Je te fais plaisir.

Les mots ne suffit pas
Pour décrire à autre,
Comment ça s'est passé
Cette histoire d'amour.

Est-ce que ça
a commencé par une bise?
Est-ce que ça
est arrivé avec un soir

Qui nous avons passé
Sous le ciel et les étoiles -
Il n'y a que juste eux
Qui connaît nos sentiments

Et qui peut raconter
Cette petite histoire à nous.

Beni

My friend. Who are you?
A young man with strong arms,
A mind that watches and grows
With every passing moment becomes elder to you,
But a heart of a child
Struggling to keep your innocence.
The reserve, agressive facade has fallen
To something more better.
Though even now and even then
Maybe had I watched over you better,
I can say with a soul that's priceless,
Your effect is timeless,
Maybe no one acknowledged it my dear,
But it's there and so are you.
So who are you?

_dedicated .

Run.

He looked at her. Who is this girl?
Reality told him it's the girl he loved. Reality told him she's running away. Reality also told him to let her go.
Even though the confusion spread through his mind like a grey smoke, he fought it. Fought the instinct to make her stay, to ask her not to do it. Where would she go? What would she do? It's up to her to decide.

She waited to see if he'd stop her or if he'd come with her. The latter she wished for so much. Someone who'd accompany her while chasing some small dreams. But he just smiled and said Call me if you need or whenever you get back. That's not what she expected. It made her happy and sad. He will not trap me but he will let me go. Somehow that angered her too. She got what she wanted didn't she? Then what was upsetting her? That I don't want to leave without him. That I'm becoming dependant. Even when you are not needing me.

Finally she just turned her back on him and walked away. And he returned to his room. She had a vague map in her head. She had a vague plan. A vague challenge to herself. Travel, smoke a cigarette, find someone new to have a random conversation with. She set out.

The first step out of her sanctuary and she was scared. Terrified. It was hot. Heat, one of her worst weaknesses. She took a deep breath and walked. Her steps faltered when she saw a cigarette shop but she didn't stop. She was alone. What if it caused her to cough so much she couldn't keep on going? No, I can not make myself vulnerable.

And further, she reached the junction, the bus stop. But instead of boarding a bus, she simply kept on walking to a place she knew. A big shop and convinced herself that it was for the AC because it was becoming too hot for her comfort. Once inside, she wandered around. Saw a trinket her old friend might like and bought it. Came outside, Sat at a coffee shop and ordered a coffee. She relaxed and finished her coffee slowly, taking around 40minutes for one cup. Then another random wish came true.

Her mind was lost elsewhere. She watched the people on the road. She made a call to her friend and then started reading a novel on her phone. Nothing seemed to make sense but it did.

And she resolved to try to sneak off one day without letting anyone know. Maybe. Just maybe she could try chasing her dreams again.

Maybe she could just draw a map and run.

Draw That Map

Afraid to take risks,
Still playing the same disk,
Afraid to go out,
What if no one notices.

She is just wandering,
Going through everyday,
Mindlessly, a bit aimlessly,
Lacking a destination.

This was her biggest dream,
And one day she tried it.
She drew a map, took a breath.
Followed the stars, chose a path.

"And run".

_inspired by And Run by He is We.

Crescent Dark

Her eyes seem darker than night,
Yet it was the night.
Midnight blue hovering at jet black.
Her fluidity was that of water,
Feelings were to drown,
As were her enemies.
She steps into the water,
Naked as the day one is born.
One because she was as such,
Someone never born,
Motherless and guided by a soul
Of one who used to protect long ago.

Her limbs, her body gleams
Like an ethereal white,
Her mind had succumbed
To its guardian voice.
Water was her element
But now it seeked to kill.
The voice, twisted by unfortunate fate,
Lead her further and further in.
The cold of the lake embraces her.
The shiver runs up her spine.
She was being watched, she knew.
By her lover, forbidden by time.

His amber gold eyes shone,
Her foolishness astounds him.
Mistress of water she may be,
But there is no revival from drowning.
He leaps from his shadows
And wades out to her.
Embraces the bare body,
Tries to guide it back to shore.
The cold of the water freezes him,
Yet he ignores its wrath.
He could hear her guardian screaming,
But it was for her his heart was beating.

Come back, come back to me,
His voice provocative, the water
Rising up around his waist and tearing
The clothes on him ripping, falling.
They stand face to back embracing.
Slowly, she turns, her body glowing white,
Like the crescent moon in the starless night sky.
The beauty astounds now,
Her name escapes his lips.
Crescent Dark, he murmurs,
Our love has just
Begun.

And if I wait...?

And if I wait for you, will you come back? The star asked the moon. It's just for one night, she replied. But what will you do? He asked. Somethings are better left unsaid, she smiled and disappeared from his life.

Lonely

How can you be lonely, he asked. You have your friends with you.
I'm surrounded that's true, she answered. But if the relations are not real then?
He had no answer for that.

The Last Word

If this was my last word,
I wouldn't know what to say.
In front of you,
In front of anyone,
I'd be lost in thoughts
And pray :
For just a few more words
So I could say
What I feel inside.
But they told me
It's my last word,
And I wanted to feel
Your name on my lips -
So no more thoughts,
I whispered your name,
My last word,
That hope you'd come again.

He is love.

Because he is
And always will be,
For me - the best.
No one else can begin
To even understand -
The love that shines
From his brilliant eyes,
The gentleness with which
His hand caresses mine,
Against his roughened cheek,
To turn it over and kiss,
Saying nothing and everything
To me, for me, in a few signs.
I wish soon the day will come
When in front of everyone,
I'll call you "mine".

To The Friend In My Mobile

You piss me off, you make me laugh
You make me cry,
You make me grin
Even if at a mobile screen
The few words typed—
It means a million things.

Finally, even when we know —
We hurt the ones we love the most.

A Last Note.

Author:This is fictional. Read on.

Calm. Contemplating the afterlife was never so easy before. But I was never so close to it either. All has been done. Everything I wished to do. Ok, maybe there are still somethings left. But it's not that important.

I'm glad I never learnt to swim. I had wanted to, but never really got the chance. Now it's come in useful.

The sea looks so vast, so great, so magnificient, so cold, yet so welcoming. Every wave that laps at my feet is urging me forward. This is the time the tide is changing. The waves are slowly getting stronger.

I'm walking forward as I'm typing this. Imagine. A lone, petite figure. Loose, slightly wet hair well past the shoulders. Illuminated in the bright glow of the full moon in the night sky and the street-lights behind me. You can see my pale pink frock swaying slightly as I slowly creep forward in this windless night.

I'm pausing. Feeling. The sand between my toes. My grey and blue slippers were abandoned somewhere near a bench under a street-light. Along with my wallet. It doesn't have any money, don't worry. Just some ID cards. My driver's license and university ID. Oh, and my library cards. I broke my ATM card before leaving it all there.

So now no one has to worry about my account being ransacked by any chance. The sand is so carressing. So soft. Moving up and down my feet as the waves come and go.

I'm waist up in sea water now. Uff. A giant spray just sent saltwater and sand into my mouth. How disturbingly...peaceful. It's funny somehow. Yet so...nice.

More sprays. Soon my mobile will be under the sea with me. But I want one of you to read this.

To feel this.

The water encasing you. The sand moving away under your feet. The velvety night sky and the big fat moon. The smell of salt in the air. The sound of a single lone car as it speeds by homeward on the road. They don't realise the beauty they are missing. Or may be they do and that's why they're heading home.

Because I'm heading home too.

I'm 20years old and all I want now is "home". Someone to call my own, someone who would claim me as theirs too. Someone who won't forget me on the wayside or leave me behind without reason. I'm so homesick.

I'm so homesick that I can barely see clearly. The sea has always been there. Kadalamma. The mother sea. Ultimately, that's where life started. The cradle of life.

I'm going back to that cradle. To my mother. To where I might finally be a part of, where I might finally and truly belong.

I'm making my final step. Farewell.

He Never Came

He never came,
Even when she called,
Even if her tone changed,
He never knew.

He never came,
Even when she asked,
Because something was wrong,
But he never knew.

He never came,
Till the end when we saw
Him sitting near her grave,
When he finally knew -

All she wanted
Was a little love,
A hug, his presence to come,
So she wouldn't have drowned

In her mind, black and deep,
In the places so out of reach,
But he never came
And he never knew

That his love could have saved her,
He never knew
That he could have been the difference,
Too late now, there is nothing to do.

Fading To The Background

How can you be so blind?
Is love to be made routine?
A morning here and an evening there,
This will not solve problems mon chère.

One is not the alarm for the morning,
One is not a child to send to bed at 8,
One refuses to acknowledge this division,
But let it be, one says.

Is love a chore? It's not
Like brushing your teeth.
Is love a habit? A development
Quite new and fading to the background.

Is your love, so real, so true,
That every small thing done in fun
Might suddenly upset you?
One is confused at your anger.

One refuses to compromise every time.
One too has an ego, even if not of your size.
One has feelings that one might not show.
One might love you, then again she might stop.

You'll never know.

The Lone Mother.

She waits for the inevitable -
The loss of his love, the interest.
The newly found bulges all around
Does nothing to hide the plump tears.

Maybe his loss will be greater,
Maybe in time, revenge might sweeten
And as of yet, the suffering child,
He, she has done no ill -

Other than be conceived
In an ill-conceived fit of passion.

Tiny pink things.

He had left. Where to, she didn't know. All she knew was that he had left. The dream continued.

A huge mansion, a castle out of a fairy tale. Mona Lisa painted on the tiled stone floor. Trees on either side of the road looking impenetrable. A trap... And he wasn't there. She was alone.

Creatures came flying out from in between the trees. Tiny pink things. Round, with wings. It hit her like hail. She ran. She fell face down on Mona Lisa's cheek. She felt her body swelling.

Was she becoming fat? No. That wouldn't be possible. She turned over and lay flat on her back. The sky was blue. Few clouds drifted by. She ran a hand over her stomach.

And something moved. She screamed and woke up in a cold sweat. She ran a hand over her tummy and felt a small bump that shouldn't be there. She felt the other side of the double bed.

The sheets were crumpled. No one was there. She was alone. Her hand reached to the night stand and brought a small bottle to her face. Her hand shook seeing the tiny pink pills inside. 10% failure rate.

The pills went down the drain and her bed remained empty. Things just go wrong all the time, don't they?

My world is...

My world is where fantasy and fiction collide,
My dreams come alive,
And I see through tinted windows,
The sunlight burning up the stream.
Where others see warm water
I tend to see the cold beneath,
And in the darkness, in the cold,
I find the heat chilling to my bones.
The real doesn't exist but the lives do,
And my characters are more real to me -
More Real than me or you.

Her Last Thoughts Before Sleep

The book was excellent and a movie I would definitely watch.
House Rules.
Keep quiet.
Pablo Neruda. Keep quiet and count to twelve.
Why twelve? Why 12 months, 12 hours, 12 rupees for 30 minutes STD call, 365/366days. Wait it's 365.25 days. That must be divisible by 12. Mental long division of 365.25 by 12. 12 multiplied by3 = 36, therefore 3. Then 0. 30 point. 52, 12 multiplied by 4 = 48. 30 point 4. 52-48=1,2,3,4. 45. 12 3 36. 45-36=4,5,9. 30 point 437. 12 6 72, 12 7 84. 90-84=60. 12 5. 30.4375. 3+0+4+3+7+5=22. Round off. 3+4+3+8=18. Divisible by 3. So each month should have 30.438 days? So everything is divisible by 3. Even 12. 4 times 3 is 12. So if normal rate of one hour is 60 and I call you at 24, I'm calling at a price 3 times lesser than original. Again in multiples of 12.
12. 1+2=3. Again 3. 

Mommy Daddy and Baby makes 3. If baby is silent, it means danger or asleep.
You're going to be my math genius.
Baby makes 3 but three's a crowd. That's bad.
Then why is more the merrier? Because there will be more noise and drinking and partying and that implies that the people are happy.

I wish you could read this. Are you? My eyes hurt and there is a pain in my right ear. Maybe due to talking using a pair of earphones.
HTC earphones hurt after a while. Why?
Why do some people help whenever asked for help and also request it the same way? Is that selfish or self-centred or naive or innocent?
If you lose your virginity to someone whom you know there may not and probably will not be a future with a bad thing?
But it should be good because now the person will have experience and no one likes the inexperienced for any job and marriage is a job.
Pounding in my head when battery charge says 57%. Is this crazy?

I miss him. I wish he would read this and understand.
But I don't think anyone can.
Can you? Did you make it till here while reading?
I'm curious why many people are more interested when they think they are reading the actual thoughts of someone as opposed to fact :

The room is dark. She sleeps always facing the door, always in a corner of the bed as though ready to run. If she sleeps facing the wall, on the inner side of the bed, the room, that means she feels safe. It means she trusts the person on the other side to be her door of escape.
Because when flights of fantasy mix with the throes of reality, it's hard to decide whether to run when she suddenly wakes up feeling near-death or whether she should stay in bed and try to go back to sleep despite the crushing blackness and voids in her dreams.
It's easier with someone she thinks can protect her. From herself.

Because if B is with A while secretly being in love with the ex, C who is A's brother, does C choose B again after A dumps B or does C find D?
If D exists, where did D come from? C's fantasy or the reality of A, B and C?

What's there to show her that reality isn't really a dream when her fairy tale dark knight lives along side her? The exact one she was waiting for that there was never a doubt. The exact one who will leave her in years to come.

But why complicate things? Everything good lasts in multiples of 12. And 6 is the lucky number.
Sleep.
Sleep.

Sleep.

2:22AM, 2 Juillet 2014, Mercredi.

Anamika : To Him

Your touch sends shivers down my spine,
Like hot steam in cold winter
Or a cold breeze in the hottest summer;
Like a sanctuary, safe and surrounded
In a sea of everything unfounded,
Forever came in a number of days
That would always remain.

Misplaced Love : One who loved and lost

Nothing goes unnoticed
So little goes unmarked
Much goes unadressed
All goes as planned.

I see the fire in your eyes
The fire that doesn‘t burn for me
I see that fire growing bright
I wish that it would be for me.

I wait to see you open up
To lay bare your heart, not just your chest
Cryptic and cold, so close and so far away
I still wait for you with the pain of one bereft.

Nothing goes unnoticed
So little goes unmarked
Tell me where you hide your secrets
Tell me why you hide your scars.

Much goes unaddressed
The longings of your soul
The silent calls I wish to answer
Yet somehow you let me go.

All goes as planned
When you finally push me away
Tell me why you keep me
When you know we‘re no longer the same.

I can still see that fire, darling
It is still burning high
Why can‘t it be me darling
When I‘m the one you call wife.

You lay bare your chest every night
We are joined yet aloof
What is the point of this charade
Other than to leave us without a roof.

So cold and so far away
No matter how hard I try
Why did I marry you husband
When your love feels like a lie.

Where is the other you desire
I care not if it be man or woman
But all I see is endless smoke
Surrounding you till heavens.

I gave nothing but love
And now I can only offer grief
For I have nothing left to call my own
Even my flower has been taken from me.

Old age gives no comfort husband
When you have to live together alone
Or maybe it is just me who is lonely
Your mistress will substitute your weak wife over all.

The glimpses of your smile still strike me
It makes me younger than I am now
Yet all you offer is some pain to me
And I greedily snatch it all.

Abandoned

Where did you go?
When you said you‘d stay,
But like everyone else
You too, walked away.

Why did you leave?
When things were okay,
Things were holding on
Yet got broken anyway.

What did I do?
That everyone leaves,
Did I choose wrong
Or is it just me?
Something remains from each,
A drop of happiness,
A pinch of trust breached -
That never becomes less.

Flashback_3

“Joseph called. I need to go“, he bent and kissed her forehead while buttoning up his shirt. She woke up drowsily, clutching the blanket to her chest. She glanced across at their table top Disney clock. 5.12am. “At this time in the morning?“, she enquired, her eyes heavy with sleep. “Yeah. Actually the bartender called me. He got flat out drunk“, he sighed. She sat up and brushed her fingers across his face,“Bring him back here. He can sleep in the spare room. He really isn‘t taking the divorce well.“
“Well that bitch cheated him and then ran off with the next unsuspecting loser. He should have known better than to get married in less than 2months of knowing each other...“
“True but still. These things happen“, she brushed her lips across his and patted the side of his face.
“Well I‘ll be off then.“
“I‘ll make coffee and wait for you two.“
“I‘ll be back soon. Love you.“
“Love you too. Hurry back.“ He left and she slowly eased out of bed. Shuffling over to the bathroom, she washed her face, brushed her teeth and got dressed. A black sleeveless top and faded blue jeans. She made her way to the tiny kitchen and started brewing coffee. Just then her cellphone began chiming “Dernière Danse“ by Indila. She had just changed the ringtone last night after falling in love with the lyrics. It was him, “Honey, I‘m coming home.“
“So you found him?“
“Yup. I can smell your coffee already.“
“It‘s waiting for you.“
“Baby?“
“Yeah?“
“I love you.“
“I miss you. Come.“
“Coming.“
Humming the lyrics, she set the steaming pot of coffee on the table and poured herself a cup. Then her phone started ringing again. It was 5.41am and an unknown number. Wondering who it could be, she answered the call. “Hello?“
“Is this 917685768433?“
“Yes, who is this?“
“This is the bartender of Dougie‘s.Your boyfriend came down here to get his friend?“
“Yes...?“, her breaths came quicker as she started to slowly panic. “Yes he went there. What happened?! Why are you calling??“
“Look, the police and ambulance are here. Your drunk friend tried to take control of the car and ended up smashing them into a tree. Your friend is breathing... He didn‘t get hurt too bad... The driver‘s side was the one that hit the tree... I‘m afraid he... He didn‘t make it. I‘m so sorry lady. He was a nice man. Hello? Hello??“ She hung up the phone. It couldn‘t be true. It just couldn‘t be.

He‘s never coming back. Though he said he would. Guess Fate had a different idea in mind. How fast everything went by. All so quick. Too quick. Now nothing is there as a keepsake. Nothing could truly be called theirs. They had never married. They never wanted to risk things by rushing it. And now... Now all those beautiful memories... The good and bad and everything in between. The last dance was over before it even started. All that was left for her now were these flashbacks. Nothing more.

The End

Flashback_2

The remembrance was what hurt. The gentleness, the care. The careless thought that time would give you a forever. But time gave her ‘happy‘. Which is a lot more than what most people could say. Especially those who are toeing the edge of a clinical depression. A chronic depression.
The remembrance was what hurt. Along with the words, he‘s never coming back. That word there, “never“. It used to make her happy.
But now it just made her unexplicably sad. Not upset, not hysterical.

Just sad.

“Hey, you better?“, he asked caressing her tummy. “Yes“, she mumbled. His carelessly dropped kiss made her shiver. Made her yearn for more. Much more. She reached out a hand and cupped his face. He closed the distance between them with a smile and kissed her. He liked it, leading in the bedroom, but small moments like this when she made the first move, he enjoyed those. He never spoke it loud but she knew. She didn‘t need to hear the words. His arms were exploring the familiar areas under him. Marriage was a question that hadn‘t even come up in these long five years. They didn‘t care for it. He whispered into her ear, “I love you“. Her reply was a nip on his bare, muscled shoulder and a playful grin, “I know“. His indulgent smile made her pull him close for another kiss, deeper and longer. Then he fell to her side and hugged her tight. Oft repeated words whose feelings had only increased with time, “I won‘t let you go, you know“. “But I don‘t want you to. Ever“, she snuggled deeper against the solid planes of his chest revelling in the feeling of her softness pushing, melding against a hard wall. Her dependable, much loved wall and tower of strength and protection. And of course, a lot of happiness. He murmered into her hair, “Never“, and closed his eyes. Her pain was subsiding. They couldn‘t get adventurous this close to the danger period but these shared moments satisfied them both. The nearness, the togetherness. Everyone wondered why they didn‘t get married. It wasn‘t as though they weren‘t already living together. But they didn‘t care what people thought. This was their happy time. Their love, their romance. Each one has their own story just as they have theirs. Each one has their own reasons just as they have theirs. And marriage was an idea that was taboo, never discussed. Their relationship was an open secret... known to everyone but family. For reasons that were theirs too. “I love you so much...“, she sighed and drifted off to sleep, content in her lover‘s arms. Nothing else mattered then except them and their bubble of joy. Nothing.

Flashback_1

One late night phone call. Images of her lover filled her mind. She wouldn‘t hear that voice again. The husky male voice which she was so familiar with. She wouldn‘t see those eyes again. Those brown eyes flecked with gold whose every look she knew. She wouldn‘t feel those arms again. Strong, rough yet gentle which knew to play her body like a masterpiece. She wouldn‘t be able to rest her head against that lithe muscular chest. All those little pleasures, those little details like the small scars on his face, the few callouses on his hands, the texture of his skin, the smell of him... The details which were taken as granted, which were taken as a sign of him, which made the big picture, which now felt like everything. All lost in the blink of an eye. He had said, “Honey, I‘m coming home.“

He had promised he‘d come home.

They were lying on the bed together when the pain started. The usual abdominal cramps that most women experience and detest. “Is there any ibuprofen left? Or atleast paracetamol? I can‘t take this. It hurts too bad“, she cringed as more cramps took over. He rolled over in bed and started stroking her tummy. Deftly, he moved his hand under her tshirt in one quick move and continued stroking. “It‘s not good to take medicines all the time. Is there anything else I can get you? Here, do you feel any better?“, he enquired. “Hot.... Water“, she bit out the two words tersely. Teeth clenched in pain and rolled on her side, she hugged herself tight. Her lover‘s hand continued weaving its magic infinitesimally slowly yet surely. He knew to wait out the worst first. Years of experience had taught him that. “Are you sure it will help?“, he kept massaging the soft skin of her tummy. “Yesss“, she hissed between her teeth and curled up into herself even more. He got up from their spoon position and fetched the thermoflask. Pouring some water into a cup, he offered it to her. Then seeing her condition, he set the cup and flask on the table and helped her sit up. “Here take this. If it still doesn‘t improve, I‘ll get you the ibuprofen ok?“, he murmered soothingly into her ear. “Ok“, she relaxed a bit against him, clutching her half finished cup of hot water. An old movie played on the LCD TV that hung neatly on their bedroom wall. No one switched it off.

Lie To Me

Someone trusted, loved, cared.
Someone waited, watched, hoped.
Someone cheated, dumped, broken-hearted.
Someone played, energized, lost.

Someone is someone you don‘t know.
Someone is someone you do know.
Someone is me, little unknown.
Someone is you, entirely not known.

It hurt to love, it hurt to care.
It hurt to wait, it hurt to despair.
It hurt to watch, see love go elsewhere.
May be it was attention but too little to care.

Does anyone notice the twitch in that smile?
A smile that threatens to fade every time.
It‘s still retained with every beautiful lie.
Our mask has cracks but won‘t break even with time.

Spooks.13.

Gloria William Mathew (the emotionless wife)_
I woke up and found him dead. They said it was an asthma attack. But I don‘t think so. I think my dear little sister is looking after me from heaven. He was a tryant. I loved him, yes. Even with all his faults because he was kind to me. But there were moments that I hated him with every fibre of my being for making me feel like a scared, helpless nothing. I don‘t know why he did that. But he did.

No one can blame me if I looked outside for help, relief... comfort. I found it. And Germain was so kind. A one-night stand. After that I introduced him to my sister-in-law without Will‘s knowledge about my role. Like I expected, they were happy together. Like calls to like and deep calls to deep.

Either way, my baby is safe from a father who would have treated him or her like another trophy on his shelf. Maybe it really was an asthma attack but I‘m superstitious. He called me stupid for that. But she never did.

She never did.

Ashler Germain (is love forever?)_
I never expected to wake up on this hospital bed. I can‘t believe this. No one had known. Then how did the ambulance find me just minutes after I had passed out?

The counsellor told me that I was depressed and suicidal about my girlfriend‘s death. He told me it is understandable and normal. I just need to stay here till all the toxins are out apparently. I don‘t know, medical whatever thingies. It‘s been 2 days since I woke up and 5 days since I was admitted. I will be discharged tomorrow I think.

It feels so weird that last week I couldn‘t imagine being with anyone but her. But now I feel nothing at all. Just... numb. All the grief and anger is just gone. Her brother died yesterday and made the headlines. Strange, how they followed one after the other.

I feel so empty most of the time. Except when Julia comes in. Apparently she is the one who found me. My new neighbour next door, a nurse who recently recovered from a coma. Seems like she had had an accident and had severe brain injury. The fuzzy dark hair on her head hasn‘t grown enough to cover the scars. But she is still pretty.

Very pretty and very kind to me. Makes the high point of my day everytime she comes around with that smile and a bag of apples and oranges.

*knock knock*

“Hey, you look better today. What did the doctor say?“, her smile feels so real. And if I wasn‘t so numb, I might have mistaken it for sincere affection.

And if I wasn‘t so dumb, I wouldn‘t have mistaken it for the same smile as hers. But that smile is something I won‘t see again.

“Hi. Thanks for coming again. Doc said I can leave tomorrow.“
“What! So soon?!“, so much shock and excitement. Worry and happiness at getting her messed up boy-next-door neighbour back again I suppose.
“Yeah.“
“Don‘t be such a grouch. Here, have an apple. You won‘t believe what happened today...“

She is talking so animatedly. The gestures and manner of speaking strangely reminding me of her. A weird line is floating through my mind in her voice, I‘m back home... With you...

Strange. The sky is clear outside. The first star is peeping at me from near the moon. Why do I feel like it is winking at me?

My attention is back on her. Her soft curves and smooth looking skin marred by ugly scars. Her pink lips moving, saying something. She put lipstick. Her hand over mine as she is saying something. My eyes are closing.

It‘s dark. A feather light touch on my forhead. Warm, soft lips. So much like hers. Quiet whispers in my ear but my eyes are still closed. A reminder of love? I don‘t understand. Is it you baby? I wish it could be you.
But it can‘t be. It never can. I told my goodbyes baby. I can‘t live with you.

You‘re a spook. Goodnight.

Power play

The temptation to pull him close exceeded all logic and sense.

Fear clung on to Hope. Even as the Dark fought to overpower them both.

Spooks.12.

The Spook_
Ah brother. I have been a pain and taking your space, have I? When did I ever have my own space? Never! And of course, I‘m rubbish to you. Everything is rubbish to you except yourself and the prizes you earned.

And I‘m kind. I‘m so kind brother. Even in death. And that is why, brother, you breathe your last today.

I welcome you to hell. My dear loving big brother.

Ashler Germain (the suicidal lover)_
I can‘t live anymore. Not without her. Not without our child. Not without the family we were becoming. I can‘t bear this loneliness. Baby, I‘m coming to you.

Just one bottle. It will finish this pain. You showed me that. Through the photos. Every night, photos.

No one believes me. No one else can see those photos except me. You are driving me insane baby. And today the picture of that whisky bottle and the pills... Then just the whisky bottle... I knew what you had done. I just knew.

You want me to join you. I‘m so happy. I can‘t help my tears. Nothing is worth as much as you. Nothing in the world.

This is it honey. I finished the bottle. Now I‘m going to sleep. I only wish I‘ll wake up in your arms. My dark angel. My world is with you. Forever.

The Spook_
My time is up. I‘m starting to fade.

*the sound of an ambulance rings through*

I had my revenge. The Devil can take me now. The one in the photo Ash, the one you think of as me, you‘ll find her. I love you so much for going through all that just for me. I love you so much. And I‘m going to keep my promise.

She is the one I‘ll come back as. When you wake up, I‘ll be with you in another body. A body that is going to wake up alone from a coma.

You can‘t die just yet when there is so much more to live for. Those who deserved to... those who hurt me... they paid.

Now God forbid that anyone will say that this Spook is a softhearted one. I just killed my own family.

Atleast Gloria is safe with her secret. I‘m happy. Now I can move on. For good.

Spooks.11.

William Arthur Mathew (the caring big brother)_
The meaning is unclear as of yet. I thought she died of an asthma attack. But every night, her face returns to haunt me. Her hands clawing at her throat, as though trying to stop someone from choking her...

And then there is that idiot of a boyfriend, walking around saying it is such a beautiful day for Mother to have died. My sister died in a calm night. Yes, I didn‘t claim her body. It was against my mother‘s wishes. She was a shame to the family. An unnecessary burden better rid of. The accident just helped matters.

To the rest of the world, my bratty little sister is just missing. She isn‘t dead. Though Germain has been making accusations at me... He is easily taken care of. A few hits on the head and elsewhere will make him see sense.

The sense of what I can do, of course. What my money can do.

Gloria is so soundly asleep. Her first month of pregnancy. So far, I haven‘t had to deal with any trouble. The maids always take care of that. I wonder how the child will turn out. Boy or girl? It should be a strong,handsome boy. After all, I am the father.

Sierra... hmm... That brat is now always on my mind! And somehow her name keeps popping up whenever I think of Mother‘s death. Something is amiss here. If I died in my sleep, would anyone blame her?

No. Of course not. She is dead and gone. Even as a ghost, she would be pathetic. Simply useless and pathetic. Too soft for anyone‘s good. Pah.

I hope Mother went to heaven and that brat went to hell. She has simply been a pain to me from the time she was born! Nonsense. She should have never been born. Taking away my space and things. Rubbish. Truly rubbish. Sister... pah. As if I ever cared.

Spooks.10.

Ashler Germain (the terrified lover)_
Someone took a photo of me sleeping... and I live alone. And it‘s followed by her picture... starting to swell with our child. A picture that could have never existed if she wasn‘t alive.

Then... how? Sigh. I‘m in tears again. I can‘t stop listening to her favorite song. ‘Rewind‘ by The Rascal Flatts.

Put the moon back up in the sky/ Put a cork back into that sweet red wine/ Put your midnight hair back up/ So you can let it fall one more time/ Untouch your skin/ Unkiss your lips then kiss them again/ So good, so right/ This is one night I wish that I could rewind...

Those lyrics just strike at me now. Why. Why her. I loved her more than anything. We were a day away from marriage. She made me dream when I was awake. Now I can‘t sleep.

The days barely move. Falling back on the bed, I can‘t stop looking at her. She is here. I know. I‘ll meet her again. The picture was taken an hour ago. The photo of me sleeping a little before that.

Oh baby. You‘re so beautiful. I miss you. Come back. Show me that wishes come true.

The Spook_
Slowly... slowly. He can see me in photos. He can see me. He SEES me. He sees ME. HE sees me. Ash. My love.

I‘m going nowhere darling. I still sleep with you. Your wish came true maybe? I don‘t know. But will you come me?

“Will you come with me?“

Ashler Germain (the despairing lover)_

So beautiful ... “Will you come with me?“, that soft,husky whisper. That ... but... no, it CAN‘T be. I should say no. Whoever it is. Even if it is her. I can‘t just die. I have a family who depends on me, who loves me. I can‘t do it to them.

“Yes.“

What am I saying?

The Spook_
That‘s all I need. A soft whisper, so full of hope. I can‘t take your life. But I can come back into it. And that is what I‘ll do. I‘ll give a baby to you. A baby me.

I need you. I need your presence, your warmth and your care in real. I‘m coming back home. To you. Very, very soon.

Hidden Lies

Hidden lies, the truths you hide behind
That reveal nothing to the unsuspecting
And is everything to you,

Because if it were to break,
All the walls will shatter and fall
All around you, the armour will fall,

And nothing will remain.
Hidden lies, no one knows
That you let them believe what they wish,
The lies you never said yet created,

‘Half truths‘ are what people call them,
Yet truth nevertheless, to keep others guessing
But far away, because the truth will hurt
If it is revealed today.

Trying For Distance

Distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But this strange need is making it harder,
How did this come to pass
That for the first time, I wish something would last?
Stranger still, the hand clenching my heart,
Unknown and new, the fear of losing you,
I don‘t want to know it,
Don‘t want to be in love,
I want to go back to normal -
Where I know death touches all I love.

Spooks.9.

Lucky No.9. _

She felt pressure on her throat. Inside her throat. All the air was being sucked out of her. Literally. She couldn‘t breathe. Reaching out for the inhaler on her nightstand, she choked as she knocked over other things. It was missing.

“MOTHER!“, she suddenly heard her son‘s scream. The gasps were getting louder. The breaths were becoming harder.

No. More. Air, the thought passed through her mind as her vision suddenly flooded with bright light. She passed out.

As the light filled the room, he rushed to her collasped form on the wooden floor. “Mother! Wake up! Where‘s the damn inhaler???! Oh MY GOD, Maman, BREATHE!!! GLORIA!!!!!!! WE NEED AN AMBULANCE!!!!“

Tears started streaking down his face. What was this?! His wife rushed into the room in a slinky black nightgown.
“Maman!“, she screamed seeing her beloved mother-in-law‘s body. “Will, lift her out! The ambulance is on it‘s way!“

Her husband turned to her slowly, his face white. “There won‘t be any use now Glo. She‘s gone. There is no more pulse. I think it stopped before I even got to her. Oh God, Glo. Everyone‘s gone now. Everyone.“
“Oh Will“, she laid a comforting hand on his shoulder as tears streamed down his face. Only a week ago, their sister had had a fatal accident. And now this. She hugged her husband. The clear dark sky outside betrayed no signs of the tragedy inside the big house.

The funeral was arranged quickly for the next morning itself. It was a quiet affair. Since the death of their father, their mother had been a bit of a recluse. Her wheezing problem didn‘t help matters either. The sky was clear and bright. A morose little group had gathered and all had a few words to say about what a sweet lady she had been, how welcoming, how kind. After the ceremony, one person looked at the sky and remarked,“It‘s so clear. It looks like such a cheerful day. Maybe her husband is welcoming her back.“

Suddenly a chill ran down his bone. Ashler turned around. He was sure he was being watched. But he just couldn‘t understand. The chill suddenly went away, just as it had come.

Here is the bit that he didn‘t know. The chill was his dead girlfriend‘s response to his statement,“Not my father Ash. It‘s me. I sent her to hell. Where all good mothers go...when they kill their offspring. Such a perfect day betrays my happiness. Mine. Goodbye now.“

A small white mist formed around the funeral party and dissipated just as quickly. No one thought it weird. It smelt salty and everyone assumed it was an anomaly of nature. After all, the sea was nearby.

...

The Killer_

It‘s so dark.

“Welcome to the afterlife. Your daughter awaits you.“

My daughter? No. No. No. Not her.

I‘m so sorry baby. I did it for you.

_The End_

Spooks.8. (Cont.)

The Spook_
I am going to go down in history as the most pathetic ghost ever who doesn‘t know whom to take revenge on.

Oh. Wait. I‘m a ghost. I‘m already history. Yay me.

But really, am I so useless that I can‘t remember the face of the person who hit me with their car and thus killed me? Maybe I am. Wonderful.

The last one left to say farewell to is Mother. She took another room after Father passed away. It‘s quaint, I suppose. Pink and peach. My mother‘s favourite colours. Look at her. Sleeping so peacefully and snoring like a lawn mower. Pleasant dreams, Mother.

Mm... now that I‘m here, forgive me. I feel that burning curiousity to read your diary. I have read everyone else‘s, here in this house. Though I‘m not sure if my brother‘s diary can be considered un journal intime since all that is there are dates and events. I was marked too. Twice.

*May 14_00:00_Spook‘s birthday.*

Followed by

*May14_21:13_Sierra passed away in a car accident.*

How sweet yet somehow incredibly naïve of him to classify my death with all the other car accidents. Yish.

Well mother of mine. Forgive me for reading. Let me see if you let your perfectionist self be naughty this year.

...

Oh my. Merde maman. Santa won‘t be giving you any presents this year. Oh no way in hell. I just can not let that happen. Now can I? Mother...

Spooks.8.

William Arthur Mathew (the loving big brother)_

I can‘t sleep. I feel her presence. How much am I to convince myself she is dead? That I am not guilty of anything?

I have to get up. Brr... It‘s so chilly, all of a sudden. I want my mother. Let me go to her room. My wife won‘t miss me anyway.

I‘ll sleep with mom for a while. I‘m going to her.

Spooks.7.

The Killer (who shall remain nameless)_
Maybe I shouldn‘t have done that. But I couldn‘t bear this grief, this...shame. It was too much. I loved her too much to let her go through with it. How could she have let that anomaly happen to her?! I was so sure she would tire of him and come back... till he told me. Oh how happy he was. After all the lies to her brother saying they have no interest in marriage or kids! All it took was two positive pregnancy tests. That cheapskate bounty hunter was just after her money!

Oh how could she have given herself to him?! But now...that disgrace is over. On the bright side of all this tragedy, everyone can hope that her father‘s name has remained unsullied.

She was a fool. She didn‘t deserve what I gave her. She‘s safer this way... dead.

Spooks.6.

The Spook_
My brother didn‘t have to kill me. The house was in his name, so was most of the wealth. Done moments before my father passed away.

I‘m standing, or rather floating near their bedroom window. Will and Gloria are sleeping. They look tired and disturbed though. But if he didn‘t do it then whom am I supposed to “take revenge“ on? Myself?

My life in this mansion was an utterly bogus lie. I had everything I asked for. Pretty clothes, total freedom to do and act as I please, whatever food I asked for, anything I wanted. Things. I had every THING.

I was depressed though. Most of the time. Trapped in a nutshell so beautiful yet grey, one of my favourite lines. I knew I was loved, I just never saw it except how they measured it out to me in things. I knew my brother cared for me, he just never wanted to give me any identity or individuality or a space in that house to call my own. I knew my parents loved us equally, I just always got pushed to the sidelines because my brother had more valid needs. Like a system of a whole floor to him and a bed and two big suitcases full of clothes to me. Oh, and a bag of knicknacks and other odd things.

After all, as the girl, I should move away to the place of whomever I marry. But I never wanted to marry. I never ever actually said yes when Ash asked me... though that was probably because it would have become a marriage of convenience. A legal document signed just to make the accidental pregnancy legitimate.

Which I still don‘t understand how it could ever have happened. I mean, I was on the pill and everything. One of those accidental situations I guess. Ash was never someone to play around with his words. He is feeling guilty because of the child. I bet that‘s why he was that sad. Oh, he loved me but enough to always make clear that he is not interested in marriage. Of course. I agreed.

Too dumb from too much love to the man I gave my virginity too. How silly and naïve. But, it was great sex. Oh yes. He knew how to please and be pleased. No issues there. Would he have tried to kill me to avoid marriage...?

Nope. He can‘t act all this time. I‘m in his room now. Used to be our room. He is lying on the bed, staring at the constellation of glow-in-the-dark stars I put up on the ceiling. Tears are slipping down the sides of his face.

Where is all the emotion I had before? I wanted to somehow find a way to soothe him even while being my ghostly self. Now there is just a weird feeling of... detachment? It‘s more like I have memories of loving him now than actually loving him. How strange.

Why exactly am I back now? I simply don‘t understand. I have no desire to take revenge. Then?

Running Home

Running away everytime, she wasn‘t waiting or asking for someone or something to stop her. She wanted to know if there was anyone or any place she‘d miss enough to go back home to.

One Phone Call

Bright sunlight, cotton candy clouds,
Blue sea, a long yellow beach,
Picnic on the side, one phone call.

Dark sky, cloudbursts,
Loud music in your ears,
Rain wet against your skin,
Dancing alone on the floor, one phone call.

Someone to join the dance,
Someone to ruin a picnic,
You know which is better -
Not the blinding sun in your eyes,
But the rain washing away memories.

Spooks.5.

Gloria William Mathew (the faithful wife and loving sister-in-law)_

As her best friend... this hit-and-run doesn‘t seem accidental. It seems pre-planned. I married her brother, yes. I am stupid at times, I‘m weak.

The only person who truly saw through me was my little sister. She didn‘t believe my weak affections and acts. I remember her asking me, why I act stupid. I told her because it‘s easier that way. No one will notice or give me importance... and I gain a lot of knowledge.

Everyone will doubt Will, but I don‘t. He can be cold but not as much as to kill his own sister and definitely not over wealth. Come back little sister. Find out why you died. But I guarantee it‘s not your brother.

Yes, he is hurting me. Everyday. Yes, he is controlling and power-hungry. All the time. But also, yes, he is insecure about being loved. He just wants to be loved and I give him that. He saved me and my father from stark poverty. He treats me to everything I could possibly want. He tries so hard to please me but under a veneer of coldness, of distance.

He isn‘t perfect. Far from it. But I love him and I know the others are wrong to doubt him. He can‘t hurt people. He can‘t hurt family. Even if he may want to, he wouldn‘t and he couldn‘t. His conscience would never let him.

Just seeing him, lying asleep next to me, tired out from our love-making, I know. And he gave me a gift for the first time tonight. I believe he initiated the start of a... family. Our family. He was so tender tonight. Slow, gentle. I see sides of him no one else does. I see him now, a tear escaping his eye. He mourns for his sister though he doesn‘t show it. I doubt if he even acknowledges his own feelings. For some reason, he wants that distant nature to be forefront.

I wish I knew more of his past. More of what made him this way.

He might have hated his sister, might be selfish. But the man I know, the man I married, the man I grew to love, he would never kill his own sister. He can‘t.

Spooks.4.

The Spook_

This is the moment. I can feel it. I‘m rising. Well more like... I‘m leaving the physical world though that sounds too voodoo and slightly cliché. I don‘t weigh anything. I‘m floating in a black space... and I want out. I want to see the first star.

*soft breeze whistling*

No. Ash, I should NOT see you first thing. No, no, no. Please don‘t cry. Please don‘t.

He is half-shouting, half-crying. “... I‘m no poet but baby, if you can hear me now, YOU WERE AND ARE AND WILL BE MY WHOLE WORLD. No one can replace you. It‘ll always be you. Oh god why... WHY?!!!!“

I hear you darling. I hear you loud and clear. I‘m just in front of you. My heart is breaking just like yours Ash. We‘re together but I don‘t know for how long.

Oh Ash. I love you so much. I wanted that life together too. A house by the sea and to walk together on the beach watching our child play in the sand. Time was so short. It was so unfair.

“I know he did it... He warned me... Oh God and there is nothing to prove anything against them... But he did it. I know he did it...“, his voice is a mere whisper. I hear you darling. Continue. Who did this?

A strange feeling of fury was rising in me, my black shadowy silhouette shimmered. I knew somehow that I had no face... that I was just a shadow. But one with a shape and desire. Like... a spook. Speak Ash, tell me. And they will pay for hurting you. For taking me away. For separating us. We never hurt a fly.

“Your brother...“, on his knees now. Baby I wish you could feel me against you, I wish... I wish you could feel my shadowy smoky arms around you, see me kneeling against you, holding you in my grey embrace... an embrace of love and warmth. Yet grey. The grey of death coats me Ash. I can‘t stop it. Speak love. It‘s ok. I‘m here. I feel you. I see you. I‘m here.

“... He said he‘ll remove anything that came in his path to the wealth. Oh Lord, please. She didn‘t want anything. WE didn‘t want anything. I shouldn‘t have let her tell him... that he is going to be an uncle, that we were getting married. I don‘t know what the will says but I‘m damn sure it never said to kill you and our unborn baby. Oh love...“, his sobs were quietening, his trembling reducing. Would anyone understand that these white wisps that rose from me were my tears? Because the sight of him too much. It is just too much...

And nothing will stop me from taking revenge. I will come back. There must be a way. Oh darling there HAS to be a way. We believed in the old ways. Find a gypsy Ash. You need to find a gypsy. They have their ways. They‘ll tell you how we can be together. But first... revenge. Sweet and cold.

He is so silent now. My light hands were around his neck. He is speaking again, “ I miss you so much. I swear I can feel you hugging me.“

Yes my sweet, I‘m holding you. My silhouette is turning a lighter shade of grey. Is it because of my ghost-tears? I don‘t know. My dear Ash, you need to leave sweetheart. Stand up. Go home. I‘m with you only. As always. I‘ll make a pitstop at my father‘s house and then find you. I promise.

I just need to find out why I died... I just need to.

Spooks.3.

Ashler Germain (the unknown lover) _

I can place these roses here. These white and red roses. Your favorites. No one knows now how much I loved you. And how much I hoped we‘d be together. You had left your family for me, I know. Now... I wish you hadn‘t. I don‘t think I was worth that much. As in... your life.
“Baby, the sky is orange and lavender. Its twilight, your favourite time. I promise to stand here till the first star comes out and I‘ll make a wish. Just like you always did. Haha. You are so cute. Sorry, were. No, are. I bet you are beautiful even wherever you are now. You always will be sweetheart. I love you so. *sob* Please come back...“

I can‘t help these tears running down my face. I can‘t help falling down on the grass at your grave on my knees. I can‘t help these nerve-wracking sobs, love. I can‘t. You weren‘t just my best friend and my lover. You were my whole world. And I don‘t think I ever told you that. Even if you knew... I wanted to tell you that. But those bastards, those rascals you call family? They took you away from me honey. Just before our marriage. Just before...

Oh god.

“Our baby... oh sweetheart, they took everything! And I swear I‘m going to take revenge! *heaving from heavy sobs* I‘m no poet but baby, if you can hear me now, YOU WERE AND ARE AND WILL BE MY WHOLE WORLD. No one can replace you. It‘ll always be you. Oh god why... WHY?!“

*screams*

The scream is ringing throughout the cemetary and the first star is out. Hey you, you little star shining down on us, WE know you are far from little, WE know your power. So just this once, please grant this wish, let her come back in flesh and blood and spirit. Let her be whole again. Let us share a life, make a family in some obscure place where we‘ll be happy and disturbing no one. We don‘t want the riches. We just want to be together. Please.

I beg of you.

I whisper, “Please.“

The dark sky rumbled overhead and maybe it‘s my imagination, but I think dark clouds rushed by covering everything but that star. The Pole Star?

Oh god, guide me. Give her back and I swear I‘ll treat her right and make her happy. Oh please. Just... please. Just one wish. Please.

Spooks.2.

William Arthur Mathew (the loving big brother) _

What a relief. No annoying brat to disturb my peace of mind. No annoying brat to bother about sharing Father‘s vast wealth. No annoying brat to spy on me drinking a rich cup of apple brandy with my wife in the dining room. Too peaceful. And knowing that she is probably lying dead somewhere helps a lot too.

“Where do you think she is, husband of mine?“, my wife was eyeing me over her cup. I must admit she is gorgeous. Thick glossy brown hair to her waist, caramel brown skin and beautiful curves... with a brain as tasty and small as a hazelnut. When I told her that her ‘darling little sister‘ ran off with a guy from the village, she believed me all too well. I wonder... are my acting skills so superb? I should consider a try in that direction.
“Hmmm... making babies in a barn somewhere maybe?“
Her shocked expression is so cute. But with a handsome and intelligent millionaire, even her tear-stained face should be pretty for the public. After all, the world should envy me more for adding one more jewel to my collection. A pearl.
“How CRUDE you are! My father would have never tolerated such speech!“
“But I‘m lucky you do eh? And darling, I don‘t want any competition for this inheritance. Its solely mine, er, ours.“
“How? Your sister has an equal claim and...“
So much easier to stop the conversation with a hard kiss and some groping. Everytime without fail, it lights up a billboard across her face reading *bed*. I should be grateful she is such a lusty b***h. Anyone a little more sharper, I would have been in trouble.
“Lover...“
Her fingers were already at my shirt. God, will she never slow down? I wanted some kids soon. 35 is old enough to be toting around a firstborn and a soceity wife.
“Yes honey?“
God, I impress even myself. No one will think that I don‘t love her... except that annoying dead brat. Why isn‘t that topic leaving my head, dammit?!
“Let‘s go upstairs... This time I won‘t fail you I promise.“
Ah... That faint tremor in her voice. Good. She understands and got the message loud and clear.
“Yes baby, let‘s go. Don‘t forget, I love you.“
“Yes...“
“Tell me...“
“And I love you too... with my whole life.“
“Good.“

Spooks.1.

The Spook _

I can‘t move, breathe, speak or hear and it‘s so dark all the time. If I had known it would get this lonely, I would have preferred to be cremated instead. Falling out of grace with your family is a bad thing ethically, I knew. But nobody told me it was lethal too.

*tap* *tap*

“Uh...yes?“
Wow. My voice always was harsh but this was surreal. It was so...gruff and hoarse. Well I should be suprised something was working. I have been underground for a long time now, I think. It was like waking from sleep all of a sudden and finding a huge crushing weight on you, which you realise is NOT the fat, sweaty man who tried to mug you. Should I be relieved that it is just a pile of soil instead?

*tap* *tap* ... *tap* ... *tap* *tap*
“Hello? Anyone alive there?“
Ok. Now I just feel foolish.
“No sweetheart, I‘m dead. But while I‘m glad for your company, I hate to inform you that you are on top of me.“
“What?!“
“Yes sweetheart, my coffin is just below yours.“
“Ah. I see.“
“No I bet you don‘t. It‘s pretty dark.“
Wow. Sarcasm or being a smartass? I care for neither. Atleast I‘m not lonely.

“Yawn...You woke up pretty fast. Well you‘re lucky you got me to tell you why.“
“So I woke up for a reason?“
This was so cramped. There is absolutely no space to move. None.
“The usual baloney. You had anger to resolve before you died without a name.“
Woah. Wait. I can NOT be without a name. I‘m the daughter of Arthur William Mathew, who just happened to be one of the richest (and nicest) guys in the district. And everyone knows me. This is not happening.

“Ok. Listen, I understand you‘ve been in here for longer than me but even YOU would know Arthur William Mathew. He passed away recently... Well before I got here anyway. I‘m his daughter.“
“Look kid, you‘re dead and nameless for some reason because if you are who you say you are then...“
I snorted. “Of course I am, is there any reason for me to lie? I‘m dead already.“
“You‘ve got a point there sweetheart. Look I‘m breaking out of here. You‘re welcome to tag along.“

Break out?! I‘m dead. I can talk but I don‘t think I can say the same about my body. I felt displaced and dispositioned in various places. For the first time since... waking up(?!) I felt relieved it was dark and cramped.
“I don‘t understand“, I said cautiously.

*TAP*
“Of course, I‘m dealing with a novice here. Listen, your body will stay. Here. YOU, on the other hand, can try to leave. I don‘t know if you can on the same day as awakening but you can try. At some point you won‘t feel your body anymore. Then you‘ll literally make yourself sit up and walk out, cool as a cucumber.“

I was stuck with a lunatic brother when I was alive. Now I‘m stuck with a mad dead person. Figures.
“I don‘t understand.“
“Of course you don‘t. The second time is the last time you get to do that, be warned. The first time I doubt you‘ll get far but I have a score to finish. Haha. Bad movie dialogue-ish, but true.“
Um. Could this get any weirder? Hm. Could this be a bad dream?
“Hey kid, listen. I‘m leaving. Don‘t expect me back sweetheart. Good luck and I hope you‘re not in love. Haha. Because I would like to pick you up in the afterlife. Toodles!“
What! The cheek! “Jackass!“, I shouted only to be answered by fading laughter. Did I feel my body? Not really. Not like when the conversation started. I was feeling... lighter(?) by the second. May be it was possible to leave soon after “the awakening“. Let‘s see.

Brother

How much will you push
Till I‘m forced to hush?
How much will you try
Till I‘m forced to die?

Brother in name
And not in deeds,
You will go lame -
It‘s a curse indeed.

You will go blind,
A family you won‘t find,
You will go dumb
Then one shall see you as a dump,

Brother by blood
And not by deeds,
I hope you to be drowned in floods-
Oh yes, this is a curse indeed.

Shush... _6

EPILOGUE:

“Hey. Wake up“, he shook her shoulder. He had fallen asleep right afterwards and he felt terrible. What had happened? The room was dark. She was under him. He felt her moving, trying to get up.

“Uh...uh..Mhmm“, he muffled her voice with his hand over her mouth. Then the graphic images returned. The slow kissing, then pushing her down, not even bothering to fully undress and hurriedly redressing afterwards. Had it been a dream? He hoped so.

“Shush... Stay calm ok?“, he said softly, slowly removing his hand. There was a fear in him about how she would respond... IF she did at all respond.The calmness in her voice chilled him when she finally spoke after an excruciatingly long minute.
“I am calm.“
“I... Did we...?“
“Yes.“
“Did we use...um..?“
“No.“
“Oh HELL! I am so sorry! Sweetheart...“
“Don‘t“, she placed a finger on his lips, finding it correctly in the darkness,“Don‘t say a word.“
The silence extended like spring more and more ready to bounce. “I‘m sorry... I am so sorry, I wasn‘t myself and... Oh God. I have no excuse.“
“I don‘t want excuses. What happened happened. You can‘t change that.“
“I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. I‘ll buy you an ECP. Are you ok? My love... What did I do?“, trembling, few tears fell from his eyes.

Everything was going wrong. She had... had an intense experience. But she wouldn‘t call it rape. No. She had wanted it. That was a stunning revelation. She had wanted it. But... not like this. Not when he was like this.

“Why ...“, his voice shook. The room was pitch black and he wanted to see her. To look in her eyes and beg forgiveness. He started to feel around for the switch and asked,“Why didn‘t you stop me? You didn‘t stop me... Why, why, WHY?“
He flipped the switch at that exact moment. His liquid golden-brown eyes registered shock. She was smiling. A quiet, thrilled smile as though she had just discovered something too wonderful for words.

And she had. She loved him like no other. Enough to even allow this.

“I... I think I am in love with you“, she confessed, her soft brown eyes betraying the hint of excitement and fear that her voice and other features did not.

“WHAT?!“, he exploded. He caught her shoulders and pushed her back into the bed, looking at her eyes, begging them to say it‘s a lie.

“I... We... That... That happened ok? It wasn‘t some dream. You should be hating me! Oh God, why didn‘t you stop me?!“, he groaned out loud. She eyed him, a half-smile still on her face.
“Because I didn‘t want to. You needed me so I let you. It‘s just... I don‘t want next time like that. It was...scary.“
“You fool“, he said quietly,“I raped you. Don‘t you get it?“
“But you love me. You told me you did.“
“No. No.“ He sat up and so did she. Her facing him and him hiding his face in his hands.
“You told me so before you passed out.“
“What is WRONG with you woman?! Hate me! I took your dignity!“
“You took my love.“
“Oh God. Just give me time. I... I can‘t believe it.“
“Ah, but you have to“, she stood up and stretched,“I woke up a while ago actually. I bought groceries and cooked dinner. It‘s in the fridge. Just heat it up.“
“Wait! Where are you going?!“
“Back to my room. I‘m feeling sore.“
“I‘m really...“
She put a finger to his lips silencing him.
“Shush... I‘m leaving now. Goodbye.“
Mouth open, he watched as she opened the door and gently shut it behind her. She paused a moment outside the door unbeknownst to the one inside. Then she smiled again and... She left.

Shush... _5

“Shush...“, he whispered in her ear and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Don‘t worry darling. I‘m sorry I spoke like that. It‘s just a bit difficult.“

He spun her around to face him and slowly started moving backwards towards the bed, pulling her with him. They sat. He tucked away a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“My love, look at me.“

Her eyes, which had been squeezed shut, opened and she looked at the floor.

“Look at me darling. Please.“
He caught her chin and tipped her face slightly. Her bleak gaze fell on him reflecting a sense of impending doom and loss. His breath caught. Her eyes, glazed with unshed tears, hurt him and stirred a longing in him. “So beautiful...“, he crooned and gently kissed her.

She couldn‘t resist him but there was also no response of before. The fear stood before anything else. He kissed her some more as she lay lifeless like a ragdoll in his arms... An hour later, he lay asleep next to her, holding her close.

There had been no screams or hints of resistance but there had not been any real response also. The headache was too much. He just wanted to lie down and not be alone. To sleep with her, to lay a claim on her. He just wanted some peace.

She unobtrusively moved his arm off her and got up. Looking around, she cleaned up his kitchenette and generally tidied up the rest of the room. Should she get back into bed or leave? She didn‘t know. His last words before passing out was replaying in her mind over and over again.

“...My love... I would never force you into something you are not ready for. I won‘t take anything you are not willing to give. I just want to know if the... feelings I saw on your face the past few days were true. To know if you love me like I do you. I just want to keep you safe atleast... Trust me darling, I would never hurt you...“
Then he had sagged down on her, passing into quiet oblivion, leaving his coffee untouched on the counter. She then lay next to him for half an hour ensuring that he really was asleep. The whole time,she was wide awake from the strong coffee in her system.

Looking back at the sleeping form, her stomach clenched. She had been so afraid. She bent down on the floor, next to him on the bed and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He stirred.

“Shush...“, she whispered and stroked his hair. He turned over and after a few seconds, was back to his vivid dreams.

She got up and washed her hands at the counter, her gaze on the sleeping form on the bed. She hesitated for a few more moments and then gently shutting the door behind her, she left.

___The End___

Shush... _4

“Shush... it‘s all going to be ok“, she crooned stroking his hair as though he was a scared child. He let out another sigh and sat up properly. His mind was made up.
“Will you come with me?“, he enquired over the throbbing in his head. All he knew now was that the proximity, the scent of her, the softness, the crooning, all her actions... Her very nature and response to him was provoking him to some height he himself could not understand.
“Ok... But where to?“, she asked, her hand placed over his on the grass, her thumb tracing circles on the smooth upper part of his calloused hands. “To my room darling. Come with me, won‘t you? I need to lie down properly but I don‘t want to be alone.“
Startled, she pulled back. Through the haze which was starting to clear in his mind, he caught both her wrists and pulled her hands to his face and nuzzled them.
“Please.“
“I... ok. But I‘ll leave once you are asleep.“
“Ok.“

They walked back to the apartment building and made their way to his studio holding hands like teenage lovers. When in fact, they were mere...friends?

Doubts aside, she let herself be led into the modest studio. There was a neat bed in the corner near the single huge french window and a messy but fully equipped kitchenette to the side. The other side had a door which she presumed was the bathroom and a small television set sat on a table near the foot of the bed. It was a seemingly welcoming room with its pale yellow walls with pretty pictures put up creatively on the bare bits of wall. The other colour and the only piece of luxury in the room was a bright fluffy red rug which was placed prominently in the centre of the studio.

He put his hand on her lower back and gently pushed her towards his bed. He turned, locked his door, debating what to do. The hangover was still there, clouding his mind. But he knew for certain what he wanted now... and it was something only she could give.

She sat, unnerved, on a corner of his bed. She wordlessly watched him bolt the door and pause a moment too much with his back to her. A strange feeling of foreboding rose in her chest.

Something didn‘t feel right.

He went to his little kitchen counter and started making coffee. Ignoring what was pulling him like a steel pin to a magnet, her. And sitting on his bed, no less.
“Coffee?“
“Yes. Thank you.“
“How much sugar?“
“I‘ll put it myself.“
She moved to the counter and took the sugar tin from his hand. His face was grim. Measuring out her one and a half teaspoon of sugar, she asked,“What‘s wrong?“
“Nothing. Leave that.“
“But you don‘t look like it‘s nothing.“
“It doesn‘t matter ok?!“, his rough tone vibrated with slightly withheld menace. She trembled to the core at the dangerous note and moved away with dignity, holding up a steaming mug of coffee in front of her like a defense.

She turned away. He turned away. ‘This was a bad idea. A very bad idea‘, he worried. The haze in his mind was clearing and the desire in him was growing stronger and stronger.

She faced the wall, her eyes writ with shock... and fear. What if he hurt her? She should have never come alone to his room. She had always come with their gang of friends, never alone. No one would know if something went wrong. Their friends would just assume they went somewhere together... After all they were together most of the time these days.

He glanced behind him, gripping the counter top. The throbbing in his head returned with full force. He glanced at her and then at the bed.

Then at her again. His resolve made, he went and stood behind her.

Shush... _3

“Shush, it‘s ok. Lie down here, on my lap. Come.“
“But...“
“Come.“
“But I stink. You hate it.“
“Thank your luck because a cold blocked my nose halfway. I can‘t smell anything very strong. Lie down. You‘ll feel better.“
“Ok.“
He fell back on to her lap and closed his eyes. His head was buzzing. She must be speaking very softly because it sounded like a normal volume to him and in his current state... every sensation was amplified. So the shock he felt when soft, full lips brushed against his forehead was magnified tenfold. A slight shiver ran down his spine at the sensations running wild over his skin.

His eyes remained closed. She decided he had fallen asleep. Then it wouldn‘t hurt to just experiment. To just see if the spark was there. If there was ever even a possibility. His breathing was even. No one was around at that time of high noon. She gently kissed him on his lips.

There were no words to say. They didn‘t need words. His hand came up and tangled itself in her hair, holding her face in place. The first kiss, supposed to be a small test, became a full experiment... between them both.

Slowly, he let her loose and she came back to her sitting position. He turned himself to face away from her, his head still on her lap.

She sat stiff and erect, mortified by what just happened. Her reaction to him and his reaction to her had been incredible. ‘Like carbonate in HCl‘, whispered the geek in her and she found herself stopping a smile. This was not right.

The past two weeks... he had been there more than her other friends. In fact, last few days she hadn‘t even felt like being with anyone much and had pushed everyone off... except him. What made him special? Not the looks, not the arrogant demeanor and not the cutthroat style of dealing with her. It couldn‘t be. Or may be it was the fact nobody else dared to be like that with her. And no other guy had dealt with her with this kind of self-confidence to take what he wanted and give back so much in return. So many possibilities. Such a complicated person with so many sides. She still felt the imprint of his gentle minstrations from yesterday. But the question she had no real answer to was why her.

His head was buzzing. He wasn‘t thinking rationally. Such a gentle girl, he shouldn‘t end up causing her more hurt when she had enough going on in her life. But he had found all that out just recently. Quite recently. She had been everyone‘s last resort. Someone who would quietly listen if you were genuinely upset and offer solutions. The practical one. So this Impractical move was quite unexpected from her. It was clear even in his addled mind that she was giving an unspoken answer to his unasked question from yesterday. And it was quite sure that she wouldn‘t let it repeat either. He groaned. Why on earth had he drunk himself to oblivion last night? To quench his burning desire to be with a certain someone maybe.

His groan caught her attention. She was sure it was louder than what he expected it to be. She placed a firm hand on his shoulder and asked, “Are you ok? Do you need anything?“
‘Can I say : “Yeah, you“ ?‘, he mused and croaked out,“Water...“
“Ok, here you go“, she replied, fishing out a bottle from her small satchel which was next to her.
“Thanks“, he sat up and drank thirstily. His throat was parched. He stank even to himself. He could see her, Feel her controlling her small coughs caused by the stench of cigarette smoke that clung to his shirt. He was not in a good state. But all he wanted was to be near her... it was comforting somehow, her presence.

Shush... _2

“Shush, it‘s ok“, he whispered, his mouth next to her ear. Now both her hands were under his, his body half-pinning her down under him. She tensed.
“Please...No.“
He paused for a beat, continuing the momentary contact of his lips with the soft hair... and then moved back to his side and lay down. ‘What was I thinking?‘, he wondered and then told himself mockingly,‘Absolutely nothing.‘

‘I‘m not in a good state of mind now. We should leave. I shouldn‘t let him kiss me anywhere‘, she warned herself but still remained next to his warmth, unmoving and silent. There wasn‘t anything to be done. In both of their minds, their mutual reactions were being read as lust - pure and simple, triggered by the circumstances and the environment they were in. Suddenly a phone started beeping.

“Hello?“, his voice sounded more gruff than usual and he had no explanations.

His tersely spoken ‘Hello‘ made her more tense. ‘Now what?‘, she looked at his face trying to gauge his reaction in the dimly lit night. Abruptly, he cut the call with an “Okay“, equally terse as his ‘Hello‘. But he was generally perceived as rough-and-tough, no-nonsense guy. He pushed himself up and pulled her up as well without any preamble.
“We‘re going to our respective rooms. Ok?“, it was more of dry statement than a question. An order worded to seem like a request. At that moment, being quite lost in her mind, she just nodded. He walked her back to her studio apartment.
“Goodnight“, he turned to leave.
“Wait, what happened? Who called?“, she spoke out loud suprising herself even with the strength and clarity of her voice.
“It was my friend. I‘m going to go drink. We bought booze earlier this evening.“
She bit her lip and then said quietly after a moment‘s hesitation,“Please be careful.“

He watched her slight frame stand in the doorway with a worried expression. A loving expression. He sighed. He looked at her face one last time and turned away. He couldn‘t. He wouldn‘t. He shouldn‘t accept her offer of love. It will just come back to bite him in the behind, he knew.

“I‘m going to drink and smoke. It‘s what I do at times. See you.“

Watching his retreating figure, she hoped morning would come soon. And it did. She found herself in the same park, in the same spot alone. Trying to figure out if last night was real or not. A figure in rumpled clothing and shades dropped down on the grass next to her. She could smell the whisky on his breath still strong even though it was nearly noon.
“Take off your shades.“
“I don‘t think that‘s a good idea.“
“Just take it off.“
Her quiet order had him taking off his purple tinted shades to reveal dark-rimmed red eyes.
“I‘m sorry.“
“You look creepy, but no, don‘t wear the shades with me. Don‘t hide from me.“
“I swear to you, I have never got this drunk my whole life and I have been drinking for quite a few years now. It‘s scary for me too.“
She watched his face with soft concern in her eyes. His bloodshot eyes, rumpled clothes from last night, the telltale smell and his evident fatigue made her stomach clench. She wanted to take care of him and the feeling was very strong. It didn‘t feel like he was just a friend. She caressed his face with her fingers, feeling the morning stubble and pulled it close.