No, not

They tell you who you are to them.
They tell you who you should be.
They tell you who you are and have been.
They tell you who they are not.
It may seem crazy but you are not.
It may seem wonderful but he is not.
It may seem miraculous but she is not.
It may seem mad but I'm not.
I am not your savior.
I am not your father.
I am not your mother.
I am not your sibling or your lover.
The things you see are only as real as you are.
The things you wish are only as unreal as you think.
The ones you believe are only as believable you let them.
The ones you love are only as loved as you love them.
"No" is a big word.
"No" is a big work.
"No" is my trouble.
"No" is my savior.
"No" is when I stood up.
"No" is when I opposed.
"No" is when I tried, tried hard.
"No" is also when I walked away.

"No" is goodbye.

En secret

Tu dis que tu veux la temporalité
Mais tu désire la permanence
En secret, en secret, en secret.
Tu dis que personne ne reste
Mais tu désire qu'il reste
En secret, en secret, en secret.
Tu dis que tu ne m'aimes pas
Que tu t'en fou de moi
Mais je sais
Ce qui est caché dans ton cœur
En secret, en secret, en secret.
Je suis ton étranger et tu pour moi
Et moi j'ai dit n'importe quoi
Et toi, tu aussi et toi, je t'aime
Et je ne le voulais pas même comme toi
Mais en secret, en secret, en secret
L'amitié crée une famille
Et ça, tu ne peux jamais éviter
Parce que en secret, en secret, en secret
Même si l'on dit le contraire
C'est d'être aimé qu'on cherche.

2Anorex

Every night it is a new discovery
With hands running along the lines,
The edges and corners of a bed,
An empty bed waiting,
Where once you used to be -

The distance has a found a knife
Sharper than misunderstanding could be
And time was only too happy to oblige,
Heartbreaks are easier now
When it's easy to get lost in your own life -

Where you forget that those corners,
All those edges and lines were once
On someone else, on your body
And that you loved yourself with those
Sharp edges and if the edges grew sharper
Maybe it's not your fault.

Now you're reducing to skin and bones
Because momma called you fat
And just about two kilos over,
It's not the end of the world
Nor is it a beauty pageant of everyday -

It's better to have a bit of fat,
It isn't that wrong as they say, and
Love isn't wrong either when you're
Sleeping safely in the arms of your lover
And sleeping - you used to sleep!

Maybe it's a baby coming or
Maybe it's baby lipids, either way
It's a baby so love it or kill it,
It's upto you, but just don't,
Just don't beat yourself up for it.

I Scream

I tried to think of a good way to write an apology and all what happened is it set me thinking as to what I am apologising for.
A kaleidescope of colours is how I'd like to think but the truth looks more like an angry thunderstorm behind the shiny bits of glass,
If thunderstorms could be a dirty, dusty red.
But I bleed black and blue most of the time, the ink becoming blood dripping from my fingertips when I drag a pen across the flawless paper.
Sometimes, I think my best writings were in the torn up pieces of paper chucked into the waste bin a long time ago.
I'm still thinking about that apology to my lover that he got caught in my anxiety attack and got hurt.
He is already overwhelmed with his own issues and doesn't need a scruffy vagabond adding more to it,
Even if the scruffy vagabond is as nice as ice.
It gets hard having to keep giving all the time and not getting any in return and the emotional baggage just piles on and one fine day you end up dropping it.
It's okay, I've been dropped before and I've never fallen further than the concrete floor,
It's not like there's an endless abyss underneath it where I'll scream for someone to just please hold out a hand.
But I do scream still even though it's just a hard, bone snapping, concrete floor.
I still scream though you tell me there is nothing for me to shriek and wail as though death has become living.
I still scream when you aren't listening too.

This time, it was an accident that you heard me. I beg your forgiveness. I love you and I never meant to hurt you by dumping the same endless loop of hurt on you. I had stopped doing that in front of you.
Though I'm a bit unsure of how you love me these days, I'm still trusting you. Please stay for this scruffy vagabond. She promises to scream in silence. Please?

Where the blabber stops

My doctor tells me one day,
To describe my anxiety.
And I tell him that it's like
An elephant.
An elephant with beautiful, mesmerizing colours
That only I can see and somehow
This elephant is unseen and seen
But everyone else ignores the poor guy.

So my doctor replies,
Then it's a good thing, right?
Then I reply that,
Yeah, maybe it is and maybe it isn't
Cause beauty is really breathtaking at times
Like it literally takes my breath away
And I can't breathe and I gasp for air
And all of a sudden my elephant fills the whole room,
Is the whole room and it doesn't seem so beautiful anymore,
Unless of course you think imminent death by suffocation is pretty
Which it is really isn't because all I do is
Turn red and I'm brown so I'm not exactly sure what the effect is.

Then my doctor asks me,
What the elephant means to me, really?
So I say, really what it means to me is
That I am seeing an elephant in the room
Which is really beautiful and terrifying
So I must be bonkers or completely
Bamboozled by life itself
But it's not like I am messed up
Cause I'm only here since my family thought
That it is better that I talk to a paid friend
Rather than them so that they can confirm my insanity
And put me in a beautiful crystal bowl
Just to treat me like a goldfish.

That's when my wonderful doctor asked me,
Plain outright asked if I am angry.
Well, of course I am angry at being tied down,
Left behind, walking on glass shards
And egg shells and becoming a welcoming
Doormat to the various people in my life
Including him, the doctor but then
Even though I want to say that
I can't, because it's like saying that
I never forgave my parents for abandoning me
And that I never forgave a lot of people
For a lot of things
And that even though I moved on,
I really didn't because no one really does
It's all wounds that you decide to stop
Picking at
But I keep picking at it and now
It's an infected mess of pus and goop,
So I really cannot say all this -

And therefore I smile,
It doesn't even take much of an effort really,
I smile and tell him, I'm fine,
I'm a bit anxious and I worry a bit too much
And I like animal analogies,
But I'm fine and look doc,
Our one hour is up.
He seems relieved too because he agrees
And says goodbye, he'll see me again
Next week, same day, same time.

Oh, but
He won't.

The roads that call you

I was never just a face in the crowd,
You were never just one in a million,
Fate called and for years with mistakes,
A case, a child, but we weren't
A mistake.

This was never just another road,
That was not just any sea,
Fate called again, another year,
Broken hearted and hopeless when we were
Still hopeful.

Take me to the sea and drown me,
Take me up the mountain and break me,
I know we won't die, not when we're still alive,
WE are alive and live on in memories;

Don't die on me,
Don't make me follow -
We are our heroes.

Don't let me down,
Don't leave me behind -
We were once and are still.

Wanderlust

Being touched by wanderlust while living in a house of gold,
Don't know if it is a curse or no,
Somehow the energy seems to be rising,
This ice cold storm inside becomes a burning,
And all the scenes become slow motion,
The good life on the road seems to have more action,
And somehow changing houses feel better,
Never stuck, never stationery, never stopping,
The world around keeps changing
And yet you,
You are still the same.

Running away seemed attractive
But coming home also feels fair,
It's not that you don't love them,
It's just that the nomad in you is *there*.
The slow motion scenes are captured
In that infinite camera of the eye
And the optical illusion never fades,
Somehow this getting lost doesn't seem so
Insane.

Wanderlust, no, you should say wanderlove,
This endless thirst for knowledge,
This endless hunger for change,
This endless desire for adventure,
That eternal thrust towards infinity,
Finding that one place,
Making that one memory,
Going on and on and on
Visions spinning faster than light or sound.

When home is everywhere,
It's never too near or far and
The prismic drop running off the window
While your plane takes off makes you
Giggle and smile and wonder more
At the home in the next seat,
You realise home really does have a heartbeat
And you're always home no matter where you
Go.