Random thoughts - untitled

Those first few days when she saw him, she was not interested. She didn't want to be. He was every living idea of a bad boy wannabe. Yet somehow, his kindness, his gentleness... These intrigued her. Under a hard surface, those soft spots were there. She fell in love, fell in love, hard.

The ways things were at the start were fine. It was, in fact, more than fine. It was magic, it was forever in a few moments. It was eternity, it was joy. It was a colourful bubble. It burst.

Things changed. He didn't want to spend time with her anymore. The way he was, she misunderstood as him pushing her away. He told her that they need to be alone, discover themselves. She replied that she already knew who she is, in the sense of she knows what she wants and doesn't want.

She also understood that he was jealous. She wanted him to do something about it if he, in fact, felt like that. Because he kept telling her that he doesn't care. But she was more or less sure that he does. She just wanted it to be expressed in constructive action rather than destructive silence. That did not come to be.

She finally pushed him off. She started to feel like a tool. Something which gifts him what he doesn't want and something capable of dispensing money and food. An akshayapathram. This was not the case, yet she misunderstood it that way. Or was it really the case? One would never know.

These misunderstandings were usually followed by reconciliations. Sudden, swift, needy, clingy. It left her wondering whether they were, indeed, just scared to be alone.

Was it loneliness engulfing them or their first dip in solitude? Was it that they no longer needed nor wanted the other person? Was it that love had died?

Could it be that may be it's our first mistake? And maybe that's alright? It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight... There's a reason why they say that we should give it time, but time is not enough; and that's the reason why when you're young you fall in love...

Run.

He looked at her. Who is this girl?
Reality told him it's the girl he loved. Reality told him she's running away. Reality also told him to let her go.
Even though the confusion spread through his mind like a grey smoke, he fought it. Fought the instinct to make her stay, to ask her not to do it. Where would she go? What would she do? It's up to her to decide.

She waited to see if he'd stop her or if he'd come with her. The latter she wished for so much. Someone who'd accompany her while chasing some small dreams. But he just smiled and said Call me if you need or whenever you get back. That's not what she expected. It made her happy and sad. He will not trap me but he will let me go. Somehow that angered her too. She got what she wanted didn't she? Then what was upsetting her? That I don't want to leave without him. That I'm becoming dependant. Even when you are not needing me.

Finally she just turned her back on him and walked away. And he returned to his room. She had a vague map in her head. She had a vague plan. A vague challenge to herself. Travel, smoke a cigarette, find someone new to have a random conversation with. She set out.

The first step out of her sanctuary and she was scared. Terrified. It was hot. Heat, one of her worst weaknesses. She took a deep breath and walked. Her steps faltered when she saw a cigarette shop but she didn't stop. She was alone. What if it caused her to cough so much she couldn't keep on going? No, I can not make myself vulnerable.

And further, she reached the junction, the bus stop. But instead of boarding a bus, she simply kept on walking to a place she knew. A big shop and convinced herself that it was for the AC because it was becoming too hot for her comfort. Once inside, she wandered around. Saw a trinket her old friend might like and bought it. Came outside, Sat at a coffee shop and ordered a coffee. She relaxed and finished her coffee slowly, taking around 40minutes for one cup. Then another random wish came true.

Her mind was lost elsewhere. She watched the people on the road. She made a call to her friend and then started reading a novel on her phone. Nothing seemed to make sense but it did.

And she resolved to try to sneak off one day without letting anyone know. Maybe. Just maybe she could try chasing her dreams again.

Maybe she could just draw a map and run.

Her Last Thoughts Before Sleep

The book was excellent and a movie I would definitely watch.
House Rules.
Keep quiet.
Pablo Neruda. Keep quiet and count to twelve.
Why twelve? Why 12 months, 12 hours, 12 rupees for 30 minutes STD call, 365/366days. Wait it's 365.25 days. That must be divisible by 12. Mental long division of 365.25 by 12. 12 multiplied by3 = 36, therefore 3. Then 0. 30 point. 52, 12 multiplied by 4 = 48. 30 point 4. 52-48=1,2,3,4. 45. 12 3 36. 45-36=4,5,9. 30 point 437. 12 6 72, 12 7 84. 90-84=60. 12 5. 30.4375. 3+0+4+3+7+5=22. Round off. 3+4+3+8=18. Divisible by 3. So each month should have 30.438 days? So everything is divisible by 3. Even 12. 4 times 3 is 12. So if normal rate of one hour is 60 and I call you at 24, I'm calling at a price 3 times lesser than original. Again in multiples of 12.
12. 1+2=3. Again 3. 

Mommy Daddy and Baby makes 3. If baby is silent, it means danger or asleep.
You're going to be my math genius.
Baby makes 3 but three's a crowd. That's bad.
Then why is more the merrier? Because there will be more noise and drinking and partying and that implies that the people are happy.

I wish you could read this. Are you? My eyes hurt and there is a pain in my right ear. Maybe due to talking using a pair of earphones.
HTC earphones hurt after a while. Why?
Why do some people help whenever asked for help and also request it the same way? Is that selfish or self-centred or naive or innocent?
If you lose your virginity to someone whom you know there may not and probably will not be a future with a bad thing?
But it should be good because now the person will have experience and no one likes the inexperienced for any job and marriage is a job.
Pounding in my head when battery charge says 57%. Is this crazy?

I miss him. I wish he would read this and understand.
But I don't think anyone can.
Can you? Did you make it till here while reading?
I'm curious why many people are more interested when they think they are reading the actual thoughts of someone as opposed to fact :

The room is dark. She sleeps always facing the door, always in a corner of the bed as though ready to run. If she sleeps facing the wall, on the inner side of the bed, the room, that means she feels safe. It means she trusts the person on the other side to be her door of escape.
Because when flights of fantasy mix with the throes of reality, it's hard to decide whether to run when she suddenly wakes up feeling near-death or whether she should stay in bed and try to go back to sleep despite the crushing blackness and voids in her dreams.
It's easier with someone she thinks can protect her. From herself.

Because if B is with A while secretly being in love with the ex, C who is A's brother, does C choose B again after A dumps B or does C find D?
If D exists, where did D come from? C's fantasy or the reality of A, B and C?

What's there to show her that reality isn't really a dream when her fairy tale dark knight lives along side her? The exact one she was waiting for that there was never a doubt. The exact one who will leave her in years to come.

But why complicate things? Everything good lasts in multiples of 12. And 6 is the lucky number.
Sleep.
Sleep.

Sleep.

2:22AM, 2 Juillet 2014, Mercredi.