Taint of fear

I have felt like this before
And it led to nowhere but trouble,
You assure me time and time again
That you do not mean to hurt me;
But neither did he initially
And hurt me, he did -
Oh so cruelly, so intentionally,
That was when I felt like this
Before; when I did not know better,
When I thought in love you would never,
Ever,
Want to hurt the other soul;
He taught me otherwise.
A lesson I'm not sure if I'm grateful for.
Because I'm feeling like how
I've felt once before,
When I was willing to give my trust
With open arms and no hidden thorns,
With all the love overflowing,
Because I only know one way to love,
Even now,
I only know to love completely
Or not at all.
Yet my love is tainted with scarred trust,
Rusted gates of my heart creaking opposition,
Of not letting you in.
I'm scared, terrified of what you may do,
Because if you intentionally hurt me,
I will hurt you 2.

Those nights

if i just stop thinking,
close my eyes,
turn to my left,
(and sigh)
i can almost imagine
your arms enveloping
me in warm cocoon,
(i learnt there to not be afraid)
your arm moving under my neck,
that nightly ritual unsaid,
shifting my head to your shoulder,
feeling your beard tickle my ears,
(it looks so perfect on you)
your hand sweeping over
my stray hairs creeping up your nose
tickling a sneeze but earning a
~snore~
(i won't change it for anything in the world)
another snore and i'll turn
to face your armpit,
(i fidget to free my pleading nose)
throw out an arm like a fish line,
trying to pull you close,
(and you cradle me close instead)
another deep breath,
harmonious rising and falling chests,
fingers sneaking down to familiar grounds,
(i remember work and curse the invention of jobs)
fingers creep back up, discreet,
you turn to me, i can't breathe,
(another freedom struggle for my nose)
but i quite like the smell of you,
few more gentle snores,
then i fall asleep to my own lullaby,
and dream of riding motorcycles,
holding a big, brown teddy bear;
oh, how i miss those nights.

Untitled #5

I wish we would be together ,
At least at the end of the day,
Or in the dark of the morning,
When the stars are kissing the moon away -
Just for a little while,
A soft body along the length of yours,
A secret affair, this story of ours,
With forevers caught in moments of now.

Untitled #4

My masks are made of ivory enamel,
The beauty of it makes you pause;
Everyone else does naught but admire,
Why do you wish to pull it off?
There is no flesh beneath the mask,
The years have ate the truth away,
The lie lived has become everyone's reality -
Save mine -
But I'm the one who had gone astray.
My masks made of ivory enamel
Tell you stories of far away,
Stories of lands that never are,
Stories of family that never be -
Save in my head -
Because what am I but another pawn,
In this drawn out game of chess.

Love in parts

Let me be a tree
A warm cup of tea
A gentle breeze
Blowing wherever needed be
Let me be a shadow
May be a shade
Under a yellow brick house
With blue tiles like a sky
A bird soaring high
Above the storm roiling just under
Somewhat wet, yet proud, feathers.

I put away my masks.
Now let me be me.
All the roles you play in a day
All the dice you throw in the game
It's the same for me as is for you
At the end of the day, remove your masks,
Let me see you.
The one I'm still learning,
The one whose touch I crave
When the night is about to turn to day
When nightmares wreck havoc in my brain.

The one I'm still learning,
Who likes 7 heaping spoons of oats
But doesn't pick the amount of milk
Who is committed and aloof
Who doesn't need me at all.
Who picks but never choose.
You pick my masks over me.
You fall in love with a part of me.
I wish you wouldn't though.

Trauma

It was never what I wanted
You made me believe it was
Lies and more lies
I fell for it all
You hurt me in ways
I would rather forget
But they come back in nightmares
Unexpected touches
And now I know.

Now I know it was not my fault -
When you forced me down
When you crushed my chest
Against a mattress on the floor
When I couldn't breathe
And you kept telling me
I'm dirty for wanting more.

Now I know it was not my fault -
That I bled every time you
Forced yourself inside
This unwilling cunt, you said
Is just a show
Just to make you want me more
And more
And I should just lie there and take it.

Now I know it was not my fault -
Once caught there is no choice
Yes, some men are stronger
Than women no matter what
Any one says
Nature gifted them with brawn
And women with brain
And few with both or maybe reverse
It's a cruel game.

But now I know it's not my fault -
I couldn't have said a word
When thrown down by my hair
Made into an Indian map
Of mountains and valleys
And a barren desert
My geography exploited
But my life did not end
Simply because you put a cork
Temporarily in places
It had no business being in.

And now I know to fight,
To sleep without nightmares of you,
To walk with my head held high,
My honour doesn't rest in my vagina;
It rests with my acts, my mind and me.
Now I know it's not my fault,
And you have no more position here
To traumatize me.

Emptiness

There is no reason for emptiness
There is none for the opposite either
Chasing after an elusive happiness
Everytime it looks close
It's just going further away
A moment it seems it is
Happening
But it never was and reality is a lie
Realisation just hit late
There is nothing anywhere
Hence this emptiness even though
There is enough to satisfy all needs
Enough to satisfy all desires
Enough that pain need not go mute
Enough that there is love
And emptiness.

Melt away

It takes all but a split second,
To feel the sweetness of oblivion,
To want to slip away quietly,
Melt into the darkness -
No, there is no light
(I don't want any light)
At the end of this tunnel;
But there is something behind,
That aches and calls back,
The sweetness, the calm of the darkness
Slips away before you can grasp it,
And leaves you wondering
Why they pull you back,
Why they keep you here,
When all you want to do is slip away,
Quietly, melt into the darkness;
(It feels so much like home,
A home I once used to know)
But they call it death
Though I call it life.