Untitled #36 - On a cold night

I seek pain

So I seek love,

Like a pair of conjoined twins

That no surgeon can absolve,

I seek pain

So I seek love.

They say that those you'll hurt the most

Would be the ones you love,

Then me awaiting pain on my knees,

Confusing pleasure and fear,

Should not seem so weird,

Since I seek pain in love.

I sought pain so I sought love

I saw them as one and the same,

Till I realised that eternal vulnerability

Can be a fearsome strength,

That it somehow ceased the glutton in me

And now I seek no more,

But let it all wash over me, in and out.

On my knees again, but as a faithful wife.

Now I only fear at the end of this game

That I might never understand what love is

Not without someone to blame, 

Not without the silence and the pain.

Untitled #35 - Descent

- A descent.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I'm picking myself up piece by piece

Only to fall apart again at your feet,

That I'm trying very hard to forgive my past

But how do I forgive myself for each cut,

Each wound, each bruise,

I look at my shoulder and expect more in my sleep,

You know very well that it's not you,

It's entirely on me.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I find it very hard to breathe,

That I feel like death might be a solution,

Or maybe an escape, I don't know really,

All I know is I'm so tired of trying each day,

Making myself get out of bed,

Even when I know I've lost my way,

I find it so hard to just live some days.

And you know very well, it's entirely on me.

Everyday feels like a punishment -

I don't even know why my tears are falling.

Every day feels like a punishment -

I start to wonder why I'm bothering.

Each moment feels like a knife pulling across my neck,

Moments of sanity being tested and tested again,

I would like to say that I'm a string pulled taut,

But you know very well the truth.

That I've already broke and lost.

Breathless

First thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

I never had the courage to stand and fight,

I barely had the guts to leave when I knew it wasn't right,

Everyone looked at me with outrage in their eyes,

So I kept all my tears and rage on the inside;

On the days it tries to escape my skin,

I let it bleed out, destroy whatever is left,

Call myself pathetic because that is what I was told I was.

I close my eyes and try to imagine something nice,

I am overwhelmed by my pain and their silence,

What my fear made me, forced me, to hide;

I still sit up and assure there are no bruises forming in the night,

But what about all these phantom bruises still raw inside?

So I switch off the lights and don't close my eyes,

I make sure it's perfectly dark, zero light,

Because it is in the shadows I perceive that my ghosts reside -

A movement I didn't expect in my room.

A hand at my throat when I am half asleep.

Another clawing at my dress, I can't escape -

I keep reliving the same hours over and over,

Wondering what I should have done differently,

Wondering how to catch my breath,

In and out, I'm trying each day,

But the air seems caught in my chest...

So first thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

The suffocation and the breathlessness have long become friends,

And I know they will never leave me, not till the day I drop dead.

Untitled #34 - Marriage

You came to the side of the bed and sat staring at me that morning. Then you kissed me—I felt heat on my forehead and I wanted it to leave a mark: that’s how I knew I loved you.

Because I wanted to be burned, stamped, to have something in the end— I peeked at you; a pink flush tinting my face and shoulders. It ran its course, the course of fire, setting a path to the depths in between and to our souls. 

You bent over me; your hand caressing my face as though you had felt it too — you must have known then, how I wanted you. Two more chaste kisses and a breakfast later, our bodies separated while our souls held hands.

Friends and parties, we went through the motions. Four years and counting, I bend over you; my hand caressing your face as I know you feel it too, how I want you. 

And we will always know that, you and I. Though we sign our lives together in a pact, our hands intertwined; our souls know better. The proof will be our bodies.

Untitled #33 - Distance and dark circles

Agony.

It's agony that keeps me awake,

Despite wanting to crash,

Into sleep's soft hands,

But the agony.

It keeps me awake.

And it's best friend, worry.

What if I'm not enough anymore?

Because all these video calls can never replace

Actual human touch,

Actual presence,

Actual you.

I miss you. 

All this agony and worry for home,

A home which I see changing at a distance,

Which I know should and will change -

But what if this growth takes us apart,

Two different directions?

The only home I know would be ripped apart

At the very seams that once held so strong,

And now it seems,

It only answers to sleep.

The dark circles are a lie.

Untitled #32 - the price of immortality

Would you sign up for une vie sans mort?

You'll never feel hunger, never be too cold,

You'll never be tied down

To anyone you know,

You can go anywhere in the world,

Be anyone you want to be,

You won't even go mad

As long as there are wonders to be seen;

If you make this deal with an ancient one 

They who walk the night,

Older than the devil, 

They may take pity on your plight,

One who walked this world before us,

Who will live on when we're gone,

The only price they ask for an eternity,

Is the price of a collective memory,

The memory of your name.

They say not to pray

To those who walk the night,

But if this came to pass,

Would you choose carpe diem 

Just to lose your name,

To never again be remembered,

Or would you choose to stay,

To die shackled in society's chains,

But loved in a house

That knows you and your name?

- Inspired by the novel, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue.

Untitled #31 - missing solitude

Nights are ever so lonely without you by my side;

It never feels complete, I still don't understand why;

It's not like I've not spent three million nights alone,

But three hundred nights with you have me craving more.

Darkness was always a trusted friend of mine,

Even when you were by my side;

It hid my pain, my sadness, even my high;

But now I'm morose, looking for you in the light.

Nights are ever so lonely without you by my side,

We have not touched each other since days so I wonder why;

They are so lonely when I feel I should be holding you

All throughout this cold night.

Darkness was always a trusted friend of mine,

And mine led me to you in the darkest of times;

Yet even though you always remind me of light

Sleeping with the lights on does not warm me,

Not anymore, not this cold night.