Belonging

Stupid, stupid girl.
You actually thought that you belonged in this place where your name has no meaning.
Silly girl.
Hasn't it always been the same?
Fake?
Watching from shiny window panes into a world beyond your grasp,
Thinking you're a part of it and then you bump into glass.
Stupid, stupid girl.
You knew you shouldn't have stayed to begin with,
You knew you'd get attached,
You're never able to decide the line and look,
You never last.
You were just an illusion of a part
Which was never really needed to begin with,
You just wanted to be needed.
That's your secret need, isn't it?
To be wanted? Needed? To BELONG?
To belong like that is your home, your nest,
Somewhere no one can chase you away from
No matter what the cost.
Silly girl.
That place will never be.
You knew this as your reality,
You still chose to believe the dream.
And now you cry,
In a corner of a lonely bed,
Feeling sorry for yourself.
Pathetic little girl,
You never learn your lesson, do you?
No one wants you.
Not even you.

Love in parts

Let me be a tree
A warm cup of tea
A gentle breeze
Blowing wherever needed be
Let me be a shadow
May be a shade
Under a yellow brick house
With blue tiles like a sky
A bird soaring high
Above the storm roiling just under
Somewhat wet, yet proud, feathers.

I put away my masks.
Now let me be me.
All the roles you play in a day
All the dice you throw in the game
It's the same for me as is for you
At the end of the day, remove your masks,
Let me see you.
The one I'm still learning,
The one whose touch I crave
When the night is about to turn to day
When nightmares wreck havoc in my brain.

The one I'm still learning,
Who likes 7 heaping spoons of oats
But doesn't pick the amount of milk
Who is committed and aloof
Who doesn't need me at all.
Who picks but never choose.
You pick my masks over me.
You fall in love with a part of me.
I wish you wouldn't though.

Inside

Do you really want to know what is inside
This mind is shut so tight,
The pretense of being open intensified.
Do you really want to know what is inside?

Your ropes around her wrists,
She's pinned and helpless as it is,
She smiles, open eyes, mind shut tight,
Do you want to know what is inside?

Her legs around your waist,
She pulls you in and pushes you away,
Naughty smiles all around, minds shut tight,
Like secret old books, who knows what's inside?

You lie side by side in a bed of lust,
With few years of regret
And present doubts of love,
Seeds of confusion, a wish to be numb

She's carrying inside new heartache,
The sort of pain you've already known.
You're carrying inside odes of love,
The sort of trial she's been through before.

Damsel turned demon

All that pain you're locking inside,
All that anger you've felt and never shown,
This self torture you're going through
Each and every night, you release it
Cut by cut, but you know it's too late now.
No one noticed and no one knew
And now you've become someone
Whom they don't know
And neither do you.

Heartbreak

And thus when a heart breaks and shatters on the floor, the silence of misunderstanding is what echoes. No one sees those clouds which rain only in the ocean...until an unfortunate sailor is caught on the wrong tide. His heart might break hearing the roar of the winds and knowing he'll die without a last kiss to his wife. It might shatter into a million shards and scatter across the seas. But its silence is the only thing that echoes.

Just for once

Just for once-

Miss her,
Feel her,
Watch her going through
These motions of everyday;
She doesn't care for it;
Just miss her,
Shout out to her,
Feel her across this space,
That distance keeping her
From you, your sight;
She is blind and wandering;
Just feel her,
Think of her,
Help her wake up and see
The world that she is missing;
She just made one mistake,
She loved too much and more,
Still does;
You are what she's looking for.

Will she ever find you?
Just let her,
Just for once.

Draw That Map

Afraid to take risks,
Still playing the same disk,
Afraid to go out,
What if no one notices.

She is just wandering,
Going through everyday,
Mindlessly, a bit aimlessly,
Lacking a destination.

This was her biggest dream,
And one day she tried it.
She drew a map, took a breath.
Followed the stars, chose a path.

"And run".

_inspired by And Run by He is We.

The Last Word

If this was my last word,
I wouldn't know what to say.
In front of you,
In front of anyone,
I'd be lost in thoughts
And pray :
For just a few more words
So I could say
What I feel inside.
But they told me
It's my last word,
And I wanted to feel
Your name on my lips -
So no more thoughts,
I whispered your name,
My last word,
That hope you'd come again.

The Lone Mother.

She waits for the inevitable -
The loss of his love, the interest.
The newly found bulges all around
Does nothing to hide the plump tears.

Maybe his loss will be greater,
Maybe in time, revenge might sweeten
And as of yet, the suffering child,
He, she has done no ill -

Other than be conceived
In an ill-conceived fit of passion.

Misplaced Love : One who loved and lost

Nothing goes unnoticed
So little goes unmarked
Much goes unadressed
All goes as planned.

I see the fire in your eyes
The fire that doesn‘t burn for me
I see that fire growing bright
I wish that it would be for me.

I wait to see you open up
To lay bare your heart, not just your chest
Cryptic and cold, so close and so far away
I still wait for you with the pain of one bereft.

Nothing goes unnoticed
So little goes unmarked
Tell me where you hide your secrets
Tell me why you hide your scars.

Much goes unaddressed
The longings of your soul
The silent calls I wish to answer
Yet somehow you let me go.

All goes as planned
When you finally push me away
Tell me why you keep me
When you know we‘re no longer the same.

I can still see that fire, darling
It is still burning high
Why can‘t it be me darling
When I‘m the one you call wife.

You lay bare your chest every night
We are joined yet aloof
What is the point of this charade
Other than to leave us without a roof.

So cold and so far away
No matter how hard I try
Why did I marry you husband
When your love feels like a lie.

Where is the other you desire
I care not if it be man or woman
But all I see is endless smoke
Surrounding you till heavens.

I gave nothing but love
And now I can only offer grief
For I have nothing left to call my own
Even my flower has been taken from me.

Old age gives no comfort husband
When you have to live together alone
Or maybe it is just me who is lonely
Your mistress will substitute your weak wife over all.

The glimpses of your smile still strike me
It makes me younger than I am now
Yet all you offer is some pain to me
And I greedily snatch it all.

Flashback_3

“Joseph called. I need to go“, he bent and kissed her forehead while buttoning up his shirt. She woke up drowsily, clutching the blanket to her chest. She glanced across at their table top Disney clock. 5.12am. “At this time in the morning?“, she enquired, her eyes heavy with sleep. “Yeah. Actually the bartender called me. He got flat out drunk“, he sighed. She sat up and brushed her fingers across his face,“Bring him back here. He can sleep in the spare room. He really isn‘t taking the divorce well.“
“Well that bitch cheated him and then ran off with the next unsuspecting loser. He should have known better than to get married in less than 2months of knowing each other...“
“True but still. These things happen“, she brushed her lips across his and patted the side of his face.
“Well I‘ll be off then.“
“I‘ll make coffee and wait for you two.“
“I‘ll be back soon. Love you.“
“Love you too. Hurry back.“ He left and she slowly eased out of bed. Shuffling over to the bathroom, she washed her face, brushed her teeth and got dressed. A black sleeveless top and faded blue jeans. She made her way to the tiny kitchen and started brewing coffee. Just then her cellphone began chiming “Dernière Danse“ by Indila. She had just changed the ringtone last night after falling in love with the lyrics. It was him, “Honey, I‘m coming home.“
“So you found him?“
“Yup. I can smell your coffee already.“
“It‘s waiting for you.“
“Baby?“
“Yeah?“
“I love you.“
“I miss you. Come.“
“Coming.“
Humming the lyrics, she set the steaming pot of coffee on the table and poured herself a cup. Then her phone started ringing again. It was 5.41am and an unknown number. Wondering who it could be, she answered the call. “Hello?“
“Is this 917685768433?“
“Yes, who is this?“
“This is the bartender of Dougie‘s.Your boyfriend came down here to get his friend?“
“Yes...?“, her breaths came quicker as she started to slowly panic. “Yes he went there. What happened?! Why are you calling??“
“Look, the police and ambulance are here. Your drunk friend tried to take control of the car and ended up smashing them into a tree. Your friend is breathing... He didn‘t get hurt too bad... The driver‘s side was the one that hit the tree... I‘m afraid he... He didn‘t make it. I‘m so sorry lady. He was a nice man. Hello? Hello??“ She hung up the phone. It couldn‘t be true. It just couldn‘t be.

He‘s never coming back. Though he said he would. Guess Fate had a different idea in mind. How fast everything went by. All so quick. Too quick. Now nothing is there as a keepsake. Nothing could truly be called theirs. They had never married. They never wanted to risk things by rushing it. And now... Now all those beautiful memories... The good and bad and everything in between. The last dance was over before it even started. All that was left for her now were these flashbacks. Nothing more.

The End

Flashback_2

The remembrance was what hurt. The gentleness, the care. The careless thought that time would give you a forever. But time gave her ‘happy‘. Which is a lot more than what most people could say. Especially those who are toeing the edge of a clinical depression. A chronic depression.
The remembrance was what hurt. Along with the words, he‘s never coming back. That word there, “never“. It used to make her happy.
But now it just made her unexplicably sad. Not upset, not hysterical.

Just sad.

“Hey, you better?“, he asked caressing her tummy. “Yes“, she mumbled. His carelessly dropped kiss made her shiver. Made her yearn for more. Much more. She reached out a hand and cupped his face. He closed the distance between them with a smile and kissed her. He liked it, leading in the bedroom, but small moments like this when she made the first move, he enjoyed those. He never spoke it loud but she knew. She didn‘t need to hear the words. His arms were exploring the familiar areas under him. Marriage was a question that hadn‘t even come up in these long five years. They didn‘t care for it. He whispered into her ear, “I love you“. Her reply was a nip on his bare, muscled shoulder and a playful grin, “I know“. His indulgent smile made her pull him close for another kiss, deeper and longer. Then he fell to her side and hugged her tight. Oft repeated words whose feelings had only increased with time, “I won‘t let you go, you know“. “But I don‘t want you to. Ever“, she snuggled deeper against the solid planes of his chest revelling in the feeling of her softness pushing, melding against a hard wall. Her dependable, much loved wall and tower of strength and protection. And of course, a lot of happiness. He murmered into her hair, “Never“, and closed his eyes. Her pain was subsiding. They couldn‘t get adventurous this close to the danger period but these shared moments satisfied them both. The nearness, the togetherness. Everyone wondered why they didn‘t get married. It wasn‘t as though they weren‘t already living together. But they didn‘t care what people thought. This was their happy time. Their love, their romance. Each one has their own story just as they have theirs. Each one has their own reasons just as they have theirs. And marriage was an idea that was taboo, never discussed. Their relationship was an open secret... known to everyone but family. For reasons that were theirs too. “I love you so much...“, she sighed and drifted off to sleep, content in her lover‘s arms. Nothing else mattered then except them and their bubble of joy. Nothing.

Flashback_1

One late night phone call. Images of her lover filled her mind. She wouldn‘t hear that voice again. The husky male voice which she was so familiar with. She wouldn‘t see those eyes again. Those brown eyes flecked with gold whose every look she knew. She wouldn‘t feel those arms again. Strong, rough yet gentle which knew to play her body like a masterpiece. She wouldn‘t be able to rest her head against that lithe muscular chest. All those little pleasures, those little details like the small scars on his face, the few callouses on his hands, the texture of his skin, the smell of him... The details which were taken as granted, which were taken as a sign of him, which made the big picture, which now felt like everything. All lost in the blink of an eye. He had said, “Honey, I‘m coming home.“

He had promised he‘d come home.

They were lying on the bed together when the pain started. The usual abdominal cramps that most women experience and detest. “Is there any ibuprofen left? Or atleast paracetamol? I can‘t take this. It hurts too bad“, she cringed as more cramps took over. He rolled over in bed and started stroking her tummy. Deftly, he moved his hand under her tshirt in one quick move and continued stroking. “It‘s not good to take medicines all the time. Is there anything else I can get you? Here, do you feel any better?“, he enquired. “Hot.... Water“, she bit out the two words tersely. Teeth clenched in pain and rolled on her side, she hugged herself tight. Her lover‘s hand continued weaving its magic infinitesimally slowly yet surely. He knew to wait out the worst first. Years of experience had taught him that. “Are you sure it will help?“, he kept massaging the soft skin of her tummy. “Yesss“, she hissed between her teeth and curled up into herself even more. He got up from their spoon position and fetched the thermoflask. Pouring some water into a cup, he offered it to her. Then seeing her condition, he set the cup and flask on the table and helped her sit up. “Here take this. If it still doesn‘t improve, I‘ll get you the ibuprofen ok?“, he murmered soothingly into her ear. “Ok“, she relaxed a bit against him, clutching her half finished cup of hot water. An old movie played on the LCD TV that hung neatly on their bedroom wall. No one switched it off.

Tough Love

Movies, books and stories : out to deceive,
Somewhere the pages lie unwritten
Waiting for something, (love : give, receive)
In pages complete, yet unspoken.

Why do they make it look so easy?
Happily ever after is the desired :
But maybe what you get is sleazy,
Or maybe what you get is tired.

Now throwing open windows and doors,
Throwing out what once was close,
Embracing life which is thought easy
But once in love, it's difficult, not cheesy.

See with eyes unclouded

There is beauty everywhere,
Further than you can see,
Even if things don't seem right,
Your love is never lost to me.

I can find in you now,
The man you're to be,
Maybe you don't believe me,
But the reality is such I see.

Curiousity drives me forward
So I may quote some more,
But he listens to everyone
And speaks naught of self.

Untitled Love

I find peace here -
Quiet solace in hard breaths.
I find passion here -
Stirring out of its depths.

I find beauty here -
A red rose in a vase.
I find affection here -
A cake on a special Valentine's.

I find comfort here -
Strong arms holding me close.
I find warmth here -
Bodies sharing a blanket in the cold.

I find faith here -
That nothing is as bad as it seems.
I find trust here -
That no matter what he's there for me.

Finally and firstly, this is what I found -
Love in his sleepy eyes
That seem to wake up for me,
Love in his warm hands
As they caress me,
Love in his expressions
For they say it all,
And love on his lips
With soft words and kisses that's ours.

In A Loud Silence

What is left to say?
It's always a few words
Or some sharp phrase -
As though everything changed.
The silence feels bitter
As though one's gain is other's loss,
Is it sharp one? I wonder why
And I know naught.

One accused me of assuming,
Making an "ass of u and me".
One accused me of not being there.
It feels as though one accussed me for being free.
One used to understand the other,
But I don't feel it anymore.
Is there some invisible competition?
One which the other knows naught of?

What is left to say?
10 months seem to be wasting away.
If the silence is uncomfortable then one can not be
The one with whom the other was meant to be.