Drapetomania

I don't know what is more terrifying -
The look I see on your face,
A look I have learnt to distrust,
Or your actions which lead me to doubt
Every single person I've ever known,
And trust the people I have been.

I don't know what is more terrifying -
The ice I feel beneath the warmth of your skin,
Or that in spite of my aching cold
I try to make some warmth in me,
For you.
And yet still feel cold.

I don't know what is more terrifying -
To trust or to be trusted,
When all my stories are just stories,
Stories, I made to make life bearable.
And yours are real with the capacity to hurt,
Because your lies tend to look like my truth.

I wish I knew what to fear to tame,
From you, from this,
From the possibility of us,
That slow burn or this cold flame.

Not the one

You're in my dreams since a young age,
You're the fairy prince who doesn't save my day,
You're every sexual fantasy come alive,
You've been the unwitting star in every love note,
You're, you cannot be him.

Cannot be the one who breaks down my walls,
Cannot be the one who makes my day with a hug,
Cannot be the one who touches me in ways I never knew,
Cannot be the object of my love,
He cannot be you.

You do not exist. You're perfection on a page,
An axiom that cannot be, someone I'll never
Touch.
He exists when the sun shines, flawed bronze skin.
Every single theory proven wrong, the one I could
Hold.

My mind balks at the memories untouched,
The defenses are thrown up once again,
My body craves a touch it does not know,
It caves when his touch is all I want to feel -
It's so easy to give my body, who cares for thoughts?

Neither of you.

Fear

Fear is not something new to me.
It has been gripping me since those first days,
When I knew I had to walk alone,
When I crossed a main road at peak traffic
While praying something would hit me
And it did and I still did not die,
I felt fear. She is not new to me.

She has been caressing my face gently
All those days through classes at the university
When I knew I'd be pinned down later
Mocked, taunted and humiliated,
I wished I could die and cut my skin.
I only bled. Fear was still my friend.
She is still my friend when I'm in bed with you,

But she is scared of you,
Scared that you will take me away from her,
Her, my only true friend and single line of defense,
What if you trick me to love you too as others did?
It never fared well for me, love, but here I am
A naïve fool in your arms, a gullible waif,
Holding her scared friend's hand.

I used to fear to live those days,
But now, in flashes, I fear to die,
Because I'm still busy gathering memories
That my feared friend would rather kill than let live.
My friend, my fear, mistrusts you, sir. So do I.
Yet while holding her hand, may I hold yours too?
Just to let your face be the shine in my eyes.

Untitled #03

If you're looking for just love
You've come to the wrong island,
I bloom poison ivy and smell of roses
And lavender and jasmine.
If you've come looking for a friend
You've come to the right corner,
There are waterfalls and strong rocks
Places to catch up and hold on
Fears to conquer and memories to make.
If you're looking for a lover
Maybe I'll let you in my fancy mansion,
Where libraries are an endless maze
Where there is coffee and a cosy fireplace
But your key might just get taken away.

There is a way beyond these games.

If you can love the poison ivy

And find that waterfall

Then you might stay in my mansion -

Be my best friend
And I’ll be your forevermore.

Midnight thoughts

Would you hold me very close,
Curl around me like a question mark, l
Like I could be the answer to some,
If not all, 
Of your unspoken questions?

I wish I knew to tell you,
The truth would soon spill out of me,
It doesn't make sense to be
more than half asleep,
And only having you in mind...

But that's how it is these days,
My first and last thoughts are always you,
You and your beautiful mind.

Don't tell me again

It takes so much in me and of me
Not to break down everytime I remember,
I count eleven breathes to calm down
To not remember those words
Which made feel that every single day
Of six hundred and eleven days
Was not a lie and was not a way of
Planned destruction of my walls,
A well executed theft of my heart,
Only to rip it out, twist it, gut it,
Throw it to the hard cement floor and kick it,
Across the globe like you don't give a damn.
You said you did and then it turned out,
You never did!
I wish you had never told me that you knew,
I wish you had never told me that you needed me,
I would have much rather been a choice
Than a necessity to your survival.
I wish you had never told me that you knew,
Knew the misery and disillusionment I was going through,
And yet never chose to at least just try or tell me,
You could have tried to make it easier or just left,
Without telling me that you knew.
Now you have scarred all 611 days of my memories.
I wish I never knew that you knew.

Touch

Touch me.
Then let me touch you.
Let me feel the highs and lows,
The mountains and plains,
The uneven scars, blemished skin.
Let me unbutton your shirt.
You can unbutton mine.
But before that, let me get naked before you.
Let me tell you about my darkest fears,
Fears I have told a few close friends.
Let me share those happy moments in my life,
Precious ones, like when I first saw you
And you smiled, the first one to smile at me that day.
Let me share what gave me hope.
Now your turn, you tell me,
Undress your thoughts,
Scatter it around or stack it up in a neat pile.
I'll touch your cheek and tell you,
I'm right here, with you,
Even if a few memories still eat
Your hopeful soul, I'm right here,
Even when you want to soar above and not take notice,
Even when you're tired and want to crash.
Now that we're honest about the real wounds,
Those worthy battle scars and warrior tattoos,
Touch me. Just like I'm touching you.
Or maybe show me, how you want to be touched.
We'll throw caution out of the window
And share the bed for once and take a chance
To actually hold each other,
And to trust each other to simply
Stay.

Untitled

Being with someone like him
Makes you feel renewed, alive,
Makes you question
The reality of this time -
Watching him, learning him,
Or trying to learn, it's like
Opening Pandora's box,
So hard to find and keep,
Already fearful to the core,
Expecting demons inside,
And pleasantly shocked
To find angels instead.

Drowning

We never quite said hello,
It was a quick jump into a deep sea
And seeing you breathe while I
Drown.
We never quite said goodbye,
But it was always there in your eyes
And you just stood by watching me
Drown.

Inside

Do you really want to know what is inside
This mind is shut so tight,
The pretense of being open intensified.
Do you really want to know what is inside?

Your ropes around her wrists,
She's pinned and helpless as it is,
She smiles, open eyes, mind shut tight,
Do you want to know what is inside?

Her legs around your waist,
She pulls you in and pushes you away,
Naughty smiles all around, minds shut tight,
Like secret old books, who knows what's inside?

You lie side by side in a bed of lust,
With few years of regret
And present doubts of love,
Seeds of confusion, a wish to be numb

She's carrying inside new heartache,
The sort of pain you've already known.
You're carrying inside odes of love,
The sort of trial she's been through before.

You

You seem like fire and ice all at once,
Hell and heaven in packed in a ton,
You seem like melody and grace
Surrounded by an enigma of rock,
You seem so very close to my touch yet -

When I hold you, you melt into my arms
Fade into invisible nothingness
Till I see nothing but my empty arms
In front of me, wondering where you went.
You seem so real, so tangible, so good yet -

When I reach out, you're there but you're not and
I fear to share some deep dark secrets simply
Because it might be too soon to say
Some words which I cannot un-say and
Which have been told to me by other men -

Yet I long to hear them from you.

A broken heart, a charred soul

I left you with a broken heart,
A broken heart, a charred soul;
I left you because I could hurt no more,
Hurt no more, bear no more;
Being told you knew the misery -
The misery I was going through,
And tricking me to stay for you -
Stay for you and die for you,
This hit me worse than a thunderstorm,
Worse than any calamity could ever do,
That is when I broke my heart -
Broke my heart and charred my soul,
I doubt I will trust anyone anymore,
Since I broke my heart and charred my soul,
All of it for you.

Choose

Why can't we just choose
To be sunshine and rainbows
With a little bit of rain
And hope that someone
Will have the courage to find
The pot of gold at the end
Of our lovely maze?

Could you...

Could you fall into me one day,
We'll lie side by side
Not knowing where we collide;

Could you take me slowly,
Like gentle waves kissing the shore
Leave me wanting me more;

Would you choose me every day,
Even when you're angry please
Would you choose to stay;

Would you tell me you love me one day
Broken pieces joined with gold
This dusty diamond on the side of the road;

Could you let me love you, if nothing else
Spellbound and addicted to your touch
Just let me love you, if nothing else.

Don't stay

Tell me you love me
One more time,
Then I'll say goodbye;
Tell me this is the last kiss,
I won't miss any of this.
Now my eyes are open
I won't let you in,
You're hearing me moan
But I don't feel a thing,
I'm here in the dark
Hopin' and prayin',
That you will leave,
That you will not stay...
Tell me you love me
One last time,
Then I'll say goodbye.

Half built nest

Chasing love at any cost
Stumbling and falling
Just always, feeling lost -
Desperate to lose self in another's arms
To drown in kisses and lust
To pretend that it's true love
Fake happy reality to this world
But not knowing how to step forth
Not knowing to judge one's worth
Still chasing love like a foolish bird
Half built nests, disillusioned with the world.

Alive

There is something which tells me when I'm with a human being with the capacity to be human and humane. Most people say that this is "being a man" or "being a woman", but it's not. It's neither and both because
at the end of the day, we're all salt water and dirt mixed with love and pain, it's upto us whether we become the monster we fear or the angel we wish to have.

The monster smiled at me today.

It's so easy to lie with a smile on your face -
You could be crying inside.
Screaming.
Bruises all over your skin,
In places the sunlight never sees.
You could be shouting at the world to
Please.
Stop.
Please.
But they can't hear you,
Can't see you,
It's so very easy to lie with a smile on your face.
It's not like anyone really cares anyway!
"How was your day?"
"How are you?"
(I'm broken like stained glass on the church floor.
I'm breaking my skin to let the evil out.
I'm imagining black blood ooze out.
Rotten, stinking, something not human.
I'm screaming or I want to scream.
To beg the monsters not to take me in my dreams.
I'm so tired of running and running
On a treadmill when the road,
It's right next to me?
But I can't get off.
I'm trying to make out the words you're saying,
It should make sense but it's alien.
Everyone is alien.
I don't belong.
Someone please set me free.
Let me go home.
Go home? Where?
Snap back to reality.)
"Did I just freeze you out there?
Oh I'm sorry.
I just didn't hear you clearly.
Yes of course I'm fine.
Everything is fine."
I'm smiling.
I maybe lying.
It's not too late for me
At least not yet.
And start believing my own lies as well.

One step from her touch

You are one step away from touching me.
I am one step away from reaching you.
Step back.
Step back if you want to.
You're just one step away
And I am still here,
A little away from your eager hands,
One step away.

Baby, I have truly lost the desire to lead,
I would rather learn to trust this time,
And maybe be led to hell or blissful oblivion.
You are one step away from touching me.
I am one step away from reaching you.
Step back,
Step back if you want to.

I will not take centre stage right now.
There are days this will change,
I might turn into a lioness, wild and fierce,
Roaring at the world, maybe I am,
But I'd much rather purr under your fingers,
Caressing my back, pushing me back,
Leading me of my own will to hell or secret bliss.

You are one step away from touching me.
I am one step away from reaching you.
Do you want to take that step?
If this is all just about sex,
If this is all just about
Two bodies meeting in tandem
Creating music only they can dance to,
I will take that one step to you.
But if you wish to be more,
A partner in crime to rob the bank,
To set off bombs or to assassinate a man,
I shall remain just where I am
And wait.

You are just one step away from touching me.
I see your hands are eager.
Why don't you come and get me?

One night

Let me sleep but one night in your arms
I promise never to come back again to your side;
Let me spend a single night in your bed,
Under your blanket, under the illusion I'm safe,
So that just maybe I won't need to wake up again.

Leave

I wonder why you came -
Created a fairytale,
Spun stories out of thin air,
Made me believe in fantasies
I know cannot be true.
I wonder why you came -
My mind is a terrible place,
You're looking to get hurt,
I'm the last one to stop you,
So think, and think again.
I wonder why you came -
Don't kiss me like there is an end,
Don't touch me like you want me,
Don't caress me like you mean it,
When I know you will also leave.
I wonder why you came -
I trust you to leave,
I am not looking for promises to stay,
I'm not looking for anything,
Just maybe a body to keep me warm at nights,
Someone to hold me tight,
Someone who'll come after me
When they know things are not right
I wonder why you came -
What do I have that you want,
I wonder why you came,
Is it just to go away?
I wonder why you came -
Please stay away, loving is a dangerous game,
Please leave before I go insane,
Please don't touch my pieces just to bleed,
I wonder why you came,
When I never asked you to stay.

Intimacy

Move your hands over me.
Delicate and slow.
I'm not a rock nor a piece of china,
I'm a woman and I'm whole.
Touch me there where it beats,
Caress me and you'll see,
Actions do speak louder than words
Because love is not as silent,
As they think it ought to be.
Go on, move, you have permission to do,
I gave consent, I want you in me,
I have given you my body in its entirety.
Only remember this -
It's just my soft body in your hands,
My heart and soul belong to another man

And this is only to be a one night stand.

Hurt me

I promise I'll hurt you,
We'll take it easy and slow;
No need to hurry.
I'll pull you along -
I promise I'll hurt you
In every way you want,
We'll drag that pain together;
After all, pain just leads to pleasure
But I can't promise I'll save you -
When it hurts and you think you'll drown,
I might even be the hand holding you down;
But I promise I'll hurt you,
The pleasure will be all you'll know -
Even if I don't save you.
Even if I don't touch you at all.

Precious trust

How do you trust the one you know you could have,
Had you only known a little earlier -
But now you're in pieces all over the floor,
You don't have it in you to give anymore;
You're scared of expectations,
You'd rather just give up, move on, run out the door -
You turn back, see him standing there, (sigh)
Go back to love some more,
And just pray, pray to a God you don't believe in,
Just pray, he will not be like the others,
Just pray, that he won't be the same.

Cold feet

What does love mean to you?
A kiss to a rose you grew?
Your cat greeting you at the door?
What does this word mean?
We have given it a lot of nuances,
Yet none seem to add up to a meaning.
What does love mean to you?
Enjoying a debate with old dad?
Helping your mom to make lunch?
What does this word mean,
When you're standing at the altar
And you are getting cold feet,
You're staring at the woman who is meant to be -
Your kiss from a rose,
Your favourite boring day,
Your burnt dinner after a long day,
Maybe even tears during those weeks,
An emergency rush to the doctor,
The one who greets you at the door -
But you just don't know what to tell her.
And she's trusting you.
What does love mean to you?
Spending time with this woman?
But you spend time with parents too,
Let's not forget your babies who wait
Day in and day out for you to get home.
What does love mean to you?
Writing a story that makes people cry?
And when you are still at the altar
She's waiting for you to say, "I do"
And the words just don't come out -
The priest is prompting you,
You break out in cold sweat,
Considering the endless number of days,
Days and fights and tears and screams,
And may be some happy scenes.
She is looking at you, she's smiling,
She is the only one not prompting -
Shouldn't she be the one asking?
She is mouthing something silently,
(What is that?)
She loves you and it's ok,
Doesn't need to be now or ever,
Only just as long as you want it to be.
What does love mean?
You find yourself telling her now,
"I love you," and the crowd applauds.
She is still smiling and says the same.
What does love mean?
You're telling them, her, "I'm not ready."
Everyone is shocked, silent
She is smiling, head tilted, looking at you.
All of a sudden, you're running down the aisle.
Away. With her.
Because you think you love her.

So where are you running to?

Sacrifice

Every time you called and I came,
I never questioned the story or the fail,
You were never to blame in our game,
Rules changed now, I'm no longer tame -
You consumed all the air inside my lungs,
Ripped off all the skin from off my bones,
I was prepared to sacrifice my life,
But now I won't do it twice -
All the energy in my soul is gone,
All the passion burned out long ago,
I would stay longer had you been nice,
But now I'm leaving, cold as ice.

Unheard unsaid

It's easier to leave unsaid,
Those words which can't be unheard,
It's harder when it's out there
For everyone to see and judge,
Especially you and me,
Especially us, if there is one;
Because I can be spinning fairytales
From dust, weeds and rose petals,
Imagining a dashing prince
Or a brave hunchback,
It can be anybody, everybody,
But somebody kind.
Please leave it unsaid.
We cannot unhear once it's there.
Let's just be, you and me,
A fairytale spun from dust, petals and weeds,
A story just for you and me.

Theory of loss

The worst part is realising that you knew it,
That it was over long before you ever let go,
Knowing it isn't meant to be because you won't allow it.
Tragedy striking for simple reasons -
Nothing other than a few "theoretical differences",
"Different thought processes" and "needs",
The "wants" become immaterial here.
The worst part is feeling nothing and wanting to cry,
Cry for a theoretically good loss yet deep inside,
You are scared that you feel nothing at all.

Sparks of insanity

Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
There is no reason to hold back,
I am just letting myself feel you.
And you to feel me.
You are warm. I'm cold.
Cold as the now hardened soul within me.
Your love seems odd to me,
A tribute to the remnant of yesterday's me.
This is all about me in case you haven't noticed,
Nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with the way I exalt,
The way I adore, every touch of you.
It shouldn't be this easy to turn my back
And walk away from so much love,
All that care, all that insanity where I found peace.
I am calm in your storm.
I was so quiet when you thunder.
I had become so used to your loving violence
That every hailstone is a brick I throw at myself
While digging my grave and bringing you gold -
I was calm in your storm.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
I tell you I want out of this loving cage
Where I am eating chocolate cake
Drowned in strawberry shake
Without complaint.
Well I complain now that I hate it.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
And I wish you never read this -
Because it would never be as easy to stop,
As easy as it is to die in paper,
To tell you the truth.
And to turn the other way.

Do not.

Do not whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
If you don't intend to be sweet.
Do not tell me you love me,
When I know your heart is elsewhere.
Do not, please, I beg of you, want me -
Because this body is more barren
Than a desert in peak summer.
Do not mistake that I am undiscovered,
When everything is laid out in the open,
For all eyes to see and judge, including yours;
And if you still believe you love me,
Tell me first if you like me -
Because only friendship will tide us over
Long nights where instability will shake us,
Like wind against new leaves on an old tree,
Aching and clinging on for dear life,
Yet wanting to let go because of lust unsatisfied.

Damsel turned demon

All that pain you're locking inside,
All that anger you've felt and never shown,
This self torture you're going through
Each and every night, you release it
Cut by cut, but you know it's too late now.
No one noticed and no one knew
And now you've become someone
Whom they don't know
And neither do you.

Forbidden fruit.

Untouchable because of perfection,
Unbreakable because of exterior,
No blemishes, no spots, flawless,
The forbidden fruit, a perfect sphere.
I wish it were so easy,
To dismiss it from my mind
But what I can't have attracts me
Beyond any sense or rhyme.

Touched it once, exalted in the sense,
Smelt and lived it,
Felt like glory days again.
I took one bite and I knew I was gone.
Poison, only poison running through my heart,
Blood transforming to black rot,
Oh, I got all the knowledge I felt I lacked,
Only my body has become stone,
My heart has gone cold,
All my senses have gone numb.

Then you approached me, a blessed one,
Someone who has been able to ignore its presence,
Someone able to live in bliss,
That one who told me not to touch,
Without ever knowing why not to feel,
I wish it were so easy,
To dismiss it from my mind
But what I can't have attracts me
Beyond any sense or rhyme.

And now you've seen me do the unspeakable,
You're watching me turn to stone and sand,
You still offer a loving but doubtful hand.
Seeing you, the guilt hangs over me
It stabs me one grain at a time,
I think you love me but I no longer can, I'm
Untouchable because of perfection,
Unbreakable because of exterior,
No blemishes, no spots, flawless,
Like the forbidden fruit,
Rotten black inside.

For the one who maybe

A workaholic who never stops,
Loving is something I can't stop,
If you never get the kind of love
That you were desperately searching for,
I take relief in being what you're looking for.
I like making a lonely man a little less lonely,
I like making an insecure girl feel she's beautiful,
I want to help each and every single one.
But in that, while being me, I'm losing you.
So I try to give you priority,
I try to not be me.
Somewhere along this painful act
Everything became too real for me.
I found myself without friends,
I found myself alone,
Isolated in a hell hole where
Stupidity is glorified beyond control.
I craved for the touch of a man,
Any man who can show me I mean something,
I became someone else seeking validation,
The reason for my existence,
Any reason to keep breathing,
Just to think that I am not dead,
That I am not dead while being alive,
But I couldn't find a single reason
Once you were gone and we had all those fights
I bowed like grass and you like a willow
There is a difference between a tree and grass stalks,
How much it bends, how long it survives,
I was squashed under your feet
Trying to hold it up and pay homage,
I became nothing, an empty shell,
An empty shell of a girl who never knew
That she was much more than what she was turning into.
I broke. I'm sorry I broke.
I tried holding on as much as I could.
I still believe you're the most beautiful man I've met,
And I'd still choose you in another life,
Even if it meant hurting on days like this,
Memories are all we're allowed in the end.
But stars are meant to burn alone,
You don't realise but, you're a star too.
You can attract some planets to you,
You're young still.
I'm that breed that won't last long,
Bright enough to give unfailingly,
Small enough to go unnoticed,
Till one day I'm a just black hole,
Ending in myself, completely, alone.

Almost

I almost called you yesterday, but you called me instead.
I almost asked you to stay, then you asked me not to leave.
I almost shouted at the profanity
Of what our love has become,
Yet you still call it sacred
And think it will solve all your problems.
That I will solve all your problems.
I almost did.
I almost also walked away,
I almost also thought of myself before you,
I almost gave myself priority,
I almost asked you to leave
Because me loving you does NOT,
It does not let you decide how I love;
And now I am too scared to ask you to leave.
Because if I do, I don't know how you will be.
Fine or even better I suppose.
I want you to be free of me,
This crippling clutch, your magic genie.
But please choose to let this genie go,
Before she crumbles in this loneliness that you call love.

Bullies and fairweather friends

Why do we blame the ones trying to be "funny" and "cool" and let the others go? You see bullying and you don't try to stop it or get someone who can stop it - you're way worse than the insecure bully with a complex. Especially if you're a friend and you can't stand up for the person of whom you claim to be a friend. Humiliating someone or insulting someone is just as bad.
Yes, we throw words at the ones who know us and love us. But no, you do NOT pick on strangers, you do not pick on nice girl who talks too much and appears attention seeking to you, you do not pick on the boy who barely stays awake during the day, you do not pick on that girl who never talks unless spoken to.
How would you feel if you heard people you barely know judging you for trying to be optimistic? They don't know if your parents are getting a divorce and leaving you behind like extra baggage. How would you feel if you heard the girl you were helping out with work tell others just behind your back that you're stuck up? Just because you are usually quiet and you spoke up and knew something she didn't when she asked. How about people mocking you for not being able to see straight without that 5 cups of espresso? They don't know you have a baby son at home to take care of. And all of those who were nice to you every other time, when they hear all this and stand near you saying *nothing*? That kills the worst.
You can stand up to bullies. They at least give you something to fight with. How do you fight against a festering wound left by silence of judgemental eyes and unspoken words? These fairweather friends. I pity you. No guts to stand up and no love to speak of. Because if you truly do love your friend, you'd never stand down and watch them get thrown under a bus.
Think about it. How many fairweather friends do you have? If the number is high, my dear, you better have some serious introspection to do because you might be one too.

One night stand

- So how was it?

- Not what I expected. 

- You were off the entire time. We didn't have to do this if you didn't want to.

- He thinks I'm in love with you and I'm not.

- Why does it matter?

- I love him, not you.

- I know. Yet you're here in bed with me.

- I know. The idea of you was too appealing for me not to try.

- Same here... Will he understand any of this though?

- This?

- This sapiosexual attraction that was there the moment we spoke to each other. The high we're getting off each other by just spending time talking about things most people will be bored by at this age. The kick that we're getting off being around another person we consider an intellectually better being. The physical intimacy that has nothing to do with sex and which is made better out of the fact that we keep it like a game of strategy and pleasure.

- And that this has nothing to do with love. Because I love him and you are still in love with her.

- Yes. Of course I am.

- Why do you love her?

- She made me... She brought out the best and worst in me. The connection was electric and chemical. Instant. We just knew.

- How was the sex?

- Pain and pure pleasure. She was far more experienced. But I knew it was special for her just as much as it was for me.

- I hope you meet her again.

- I will. I will find her. I want to ask you something.

- Ask away.

- Why him? It makes no sense. You don't even hang out in the same circles or company.

- He... He is my better half. He makes me a better person even if he brings out the worst in me at times. He... I never felt this sort of connection with anyone else. It isn't the oxytocin talking. I can't break down what I have with him into chemicals and wiring... He makes me feel drunk and sober, like I'm on a permanent high of heroin and caffeine, like I can do anything even if I am alone because he believes in me, he makes me feel brave. I would have never sacrificed my self interests like my career and studies for anyone or anything. I did it in a heartbeat and I might do it again if it meant an improvement in welfare. I feel like I belong and like a stranger with him. Like a friend and a mistress and a wife. When we touch, I want the pain and I want the love and he gives me both and every second he lets me know that I am valued. He knows my silences. I wish I understood him half as well. He reads me like an open book. It is electric and soft with him. Like... I'm blabbering, amn't I? Sorry.

- Ha. You love him. I understand. But why?

- He is kind. He is brave. He is rich at heart and knows the world that doesn't know or see him. He is a gentleman and a rascal. Loyal. Diffident and confident. He is what I thought love would not be like but is. He knows the world in ways I don't and I admire that. I want him. I need him with me. I can't explain why I love him.

- I think you did.

- I told you what I think of him. But why I love him, I don't know. I can't explain.

- Your phone?

- It's him!

- Are you going to answer it?

- Yes... Hello... Yes... I'm fine. You? Ok... Ok. I'm going to sleep then. No, I didn't do anything special tonight. I miss you. Goodnight. Love you too.

- Why didn't you tell him I'm here?

- He won't understand. I don't understand it that well myself.

- A social experiment I guess. That's what we are. A test at probability. Maybe in another situation, another time, some other circumstances, we may have been lovers.

- I doubt that.

- Why not?

- I won't love you. My attraction is to the idea of you and not you. Sorry.

- Ah. Ok. 

- I'm sorry. I'm not attracted to you... We're too alike, you know?

- It's ok. Never got that reaction from a girl before. And I've been with a lot.

- First time for everything. I think you should get going.

- Hug?

- Ok.

- Take care then. Take care of yourself.

- I will. This is the last time I will see you. So. Goodbye. Stay safe.

- Fine. Goodnight.

- Night.

Another little love letter

Dear you,
So I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. You came really close to pulling it open yesterday. I fought and screamed and kicked, pushing you away from those demons.
I asked you not to touch that door. Not to bring out those memories so that you wouldn't need to see me struggle with my demons. Then you told me it's ok, that we all have demons, that you're not scared of mine.
I said ok. I trusted you. I let them out one by one. It wasn't as scary for me anymore with you there. Then I noticed you properly and saw the fear you were trying to hide. A fear of me and what I am, this other side of me where you have no control or real say... This why I asked you to leave me be and leave my skeletons be.
Because when they begin their macabre dance, all hell breaks loose in my mind. No one and nothing survives, especially not you and me, especially not us.
It slipped my mind that you had skeletons of your own which I had never truly seen. You were ashamed of it, struggling against it, pushing it into the farthest corner of your mind. I don't know if this is advisable or not, but the worst of you works with the worst of me.
Even if our bests are in two unrelated arenas fending for themselves, the other guards the home while one is away. And when the night falls and the demons come out to play, ours keep each other company.
If this is not love and harmony, I don't know what is. I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I love you.
From me.

Untitled #2

You thought I'd be the one to stay
But I was the one who disappeared
Our endless talks and music filled loves
It all just vanished without a trace.

Somehow you had yourself convinced
That I'd be honest and real
And when it was my turn to pick
I chose to walk away.

You truly thought I'd leave it behind
For a love that seemed too divine,
Nothing can be this good or true,
I left our song for a more familiar tune.

You thought I'd be the one to stay?
After setting the rules of our play?
You trusted me and lost our game,
Foolish one, I'll still take all the blame.

Impossibility

Dreams ended just like it began
Confusion, pain, a distant hand,
A hazy memory, sleepless nights
Some strange passion?
I cannot understand.

I wish it had been better,
Less painful for you.
The pain for me, it's not new.
I wish I didn't bring out
The worst in you.

Our words echo in my mind,
Lost hopes, long nights,
Can we be friends and not lovers,
Maybe just lovers of the mind?
Your words echo in my mind.

Another dream ended like it began,
Torn hearts, broken cages,
Hardened bodies and scarred faces,
Laughing in hiding, trapped in another reality,
At the real impossibility of us.

My pretty little imps

You tell me to sleep,
Sleep with all these demons in my head
Not demons, more like trolls
Trolls who play with me
And now I play with them
Or maybe like mischievous imps
Maybe just my own thoughts
Crashing down like an avalanche
Into what used to be a happy valley for two
Now it's overpopulated with thoughts of me
Than of you.

You tell me to sleep
That sleep which never comes
Which makes me lie awake till 3am
Which makes me wonder why
Why bother living
When it is so much easier to die
Be reborn and find a new path
No one seems to understand
That chaos in my mind
Those vivid colours I see when I close my eyes
The turbulence of the waves under which I'm trapped

Unable to swim or see ground
Get dashed against rocks over and over
Never dying, caught in a limbo
Should I start the antidepressants again?
You tell me to sleep,
Now I wonder if I may choose an endless sleep
A drug induced sleep
The sleep of unborn foetuses like my own
At least I would have obeyed you then
I would have slept like I was ordered to,
Or maybe asked to,

You tell me to sleep
So I close my eyes and lie awake
In another world far away
Where those imps burn me alive,
I scream in joy, those flames are blessed
Let me die when I'm alive
Surrounded, 'loved' and alone by choice,
You tell me to sleep,
So I shall. Let me just wish you before
I drown in nightmares,
Goodbye and goodnight.

Leave taking

Hey you,

How dare you to take my heart and leave like this?
Hey you,
Who will fight now over sugar whether to take 1 kg or 2 kg?
Hey you,
How dare you to take me along with you and now you say you can't swim anymore?
Hey you,
You are like a open book,
If somebody wants to know the truth, they need to read...
Hey you,
Want to sit on the back seat of my rover???

Hey you,

Tell me why my heart is still yours,
Tell me whether sugar has ever been a question,
When the entire point was us,
And I never learnt to swim baby,
I was hanging on to you till you left.
Here is my new chapter where
I'm this little sparrow in the water,
I finally made it to land but
I'm still wet and bedraggled...
Hey you,
Let's sit on the public train instead?

Hey you,

Doesn't matter what happened and what will happen ,
I gave my heart to you and it will be always yours.
You brought me here and
Now you're saying you never learnt to swim?
Sugar was always a question!
I didn't leave you, I am with you but
I'm just not holding you now
So you can also learn how to swim.
Hey you,
I am ready to sit in public bus also.

:)

Hey you,

Follow me, chase me, I'm running,
Flying off to unknown skies,
You're a shark in the water that this sparrow loves,
My feathers were meant for the sky.
Go, swim, hunt, chase, I'm watching over you,
Maybe I can't do more than take care of love,
But love you, I do.
And the sky and sea do touch,
One day we might see
The horizon where we'll meet.

I'll miss you till then.

(written in collaboration with Yogesh Nehra)

Of stories and insomnia

It's so easy to lie awake -
Think of the endless chores of the next day,
Become that hamster on the wheel,
Know you're in a cage but still,
Think it's a pretty cage,
So never leave.
It's so easy to lie awake -
Imagine the hard lines of your body
Against the soft curves of mine,
To know that they won't meet,
Then heave a sigh ~
Of regret and relief mingled to tell you
Another goodbye.
It's so easy to lie awake -
Next to strangers on unknown beds,
Hoping to find solace in exhaustion,
It just doesn't come ~
No matter what I do they're not you,
I'm not me either with them...
I'm a fragment of the picture,
A waking dream, a shard of memory,
A pink hope, a black space, a blue drink?
Dark circles under our eyes ,
That crooked smile suggesting a story,
Untold, one that shouldn't be heard,
Yet we tell it to ourselves every night
As you lie awake sleepless on our own.
It's so easy to lie awake.

In the hands of a writer...

You'll never die in the hands of a writer.
Her fingers will trace the stubble over your cheek,
Wander the planes of your skin,
Memorise and evoke poetry from the smallest of things...

You'll never die in the hands of a writer.
Her eyes roam over your face,
Your every expression noted and stored away,
For stories to spun of strong, gentle grace...

You'll never die in the hands of a writer.
Her pain will write many deaths of loves,
Painful, harsh and beautiful
Till she abandons you like dying star...

You'll never die in the hands of a writer.
Even through the death and birth,
Whatever beauty she ever beheld
In you, stays immortalised along side the hurt,

As you transform into magnificent art
Like a stormy sun and a hot, wet rain,
Something rare, harsh and precious,
You'll never die in the hands of a writer.

Golden words

They told me once the golden words,
'Sorry' and 'thank you' and 'please'
To use in every situation deemed.
Never imagined in this life
The meanings are as arbitary as we please.

Sorry does not fix a broken heart,
Please does not get you the needed break,
Thank you laced with sarcasm is a bomb,
With its sharpnel piercing every organ
And not just the heart.

Silent night

The chapter has ended
The last word read
The book had been closed
All the pages bleed red

Your hands are trembling
As you put the light out
Ghosts are still roaming
You wake up with a shout

Her memory is still real
As real as the book
The pages bleeding red
Her blood stained on your tool

One mistake and your hand took a life
And your regret is like black strife when
Her fingers are still stroking your cheek
And she silently wishes you goodnight.

Unsung heroes

You will always stay a memory wrought with mixed feelings -
The friend I would love to make yet am scared to,
The one I could one day choose to love because I instantly felt trust,
Instantly felt safe, though I wonder if your vocation has something to do with it;

Defense, front line against another war, you protect and you wear it like a cloak,
An unsung superhero, another face, another memory,
You will always stay a memory wrought with mixed feelings -
Of what might have been, of what I should have said,
Of what might have happened if we could let it,

And always, trust me, you will stay a memory -
Kin and family that I could not know -
Heaven or hell would be where we meet again -
I wish I could have known you more than I know now -
Like a friend and family, but now we could never know.

So you will always stay a memory wrought with mixed feelings
Because there are so many what if-s left still to wonder about.

Necrophiliac

I have become addicted to the smell of you.

What smell is that?

The smell of sweat, soil, cigarettes, yeast and warm rum.

...

It isn't an insult. That smell is like my personal stash of high... And now that you're not around anymore, I've created it for myself.

What?

I walk around in this old forest at the end of the lane, smoke a few and treat myself to a rum every morning sitting nearby this place. That's how I douse myself in the memories of you.

You shouldn't do that.

Oh, who are you now to tell me this? You're just a dead body in this old forest at the end of the lane from 2 weeks ago. I love you though.

...

Mother

I am a child watching my mother stress over the colours she uses to paint. She demands perfection in every stroke and motion. It stresses and upsets her. I am her child. I am not controllable nor controlled, I behave as per my own free will. This is more stressful. What will people say?

I am a child, I wish my mother would give me some attention and the love I *know* she has somewhere inside of her for me. She must, right? I am her own flesh and blood. Why would she reject me?

So I painted her a garden of vividity against black and white. I penned a note asking her to let her colours bleed all over the white sheets of paper and make some messy but achingly beautiful art.
She is my mother and she has a beautiful mind. May be it is difficult to express her feelings but I would like to know them, share them even, if she would let me in.

Whether she is as desperate as me for someone to say, "yes, I see you, I accept you, I understand, maybe not fully but enough to know that the colours that bleed from your soul are so painfully beautiful that not everyone cam handle it, maybe even I can't but I still see it, I feel you, I love you."

: For all the mothers struggling with depression, your children do not hate you.