A New Year

The crackers burst in the sky lighting up the night in a million colours. Her life looked the same as she dived and finally saw red. The sidewalk embraced her wholeheartedly seeing her last New Year blast.

The Music In Me

I saw him happy then I saw him fall ; now I wait and watch him grow ~~~

There is fire in his eyes. Dexterity in his fingers. But this stands out, the expressions from his music. His music. His very own. I'd give anything to be that good but without passion or talent, technical advancement in music is a waste as far as I am concerned.
So much passion. So much heat. I couldn't even think.
I wasn't hearing the music.
That brash sound claiming confidence yet listening I think I hear something else.
Freedom, doubts, willingness.... Happiness.
Was that same in him? ~~~

What will they think? Will this be okay? But I said so and now I have to. Well let's do it then...
This this and that yes come yes go no higher no be soft yes no croon plead yes yes brave be brave yes brave free so free...
It's over.
  - Which level are you at? Have you completed any music examinations?
  - No, but you see I... I... No, I haven't.
  - Thank you. Next?
What was that about? It's music whether I have learnt before or not and no matter what exam! He is unfair. Hasn't he been always to me? No, no, I must not think like that. He is a good musician himself I suppose. He will see I hope...
  - Jacob!!! That was so AMAZING!!
  - Haha, thank you... But that was really nothing. Believe me.
  - No dude, that was awesome. YOU believe ME. You're so going to win this thing.
  - I hope and God willing, maybe if I am deserving.
  - You are DEFINITELY deserving.
  - Haha that is kind of you to say. Thank you.
  - Always so formal?
  - Che! I am not formal.
  - Of course you are not.
The rolling eyes, the demeanor, the positive attitude of these people... Does this mean I can? Ok, I know I can... But this means so much to me... To be recognized would be... Well. Plenty of time yet. This might only be a beginning.

Winter Heat (4)

That girl ~

To cut a long winded, understandable-to-none-except-the-people-involved story short, they made up. She admitted to her mistakes but stayed staunch on her reasons while He admitted to His and stayed staunch on His reasons. They agreed to disagree and the night was not further discussed except for one small detail. He argued, begged and prayed that she not see her familiar stranger alone again. After a while, she agreed.

"The magic would last forever. What I found there, I won't find elsewhere love", she sighed. "What did you find?", He asked but with a small break in His voice afraid the answer would be something He could never give her or bring her. She replied after a quiet pause.

"Joy in life" ~~~

He cut the call and let her sleep. She was tired out with her impromptu night trip and had nearly slept off with the phone clutched to her ear. He smiled. Anamika. Everything washed over Him. He too had had a sleepless night but now His eyes were shut. Anamika.

The first time they met barely giving each other a look. Later embarking on a quiet friendship which turned out to bring happiness to Him like a wildflower forever in bloom. His wildflower. How she had been there for Him every time and He, for her. How surprised He was at her asking Him out. He was nothing much special in His eyes, but whenever He saw her looking at Him... The quiet happiness and silent love in her surrounded Him, giving Him hope to move on even in the dark when did not know to where He was going. She had made Him feel special, worthy, trusted and most importantly loved. She was beautiful in His eyes, flawless, perfect. Every time He saw her, He couldn't help but be surprised that this stunning work of nature had chosen Him. She was breathtaking, her smile took Him to places He had never been, warming away every sliver of cold. There were no secrets between them. All His mistakes, His faults, she accepted it without judging and all His finer points, she praised honestly and made a note of it. She was always there. Always His. Always coming back to the embrace of His arms... And now He wasn't there. He wasn't there with her in her new life. But he was.

He woke up, heart thudding. Why did she do this to Him? Was it a test? He unlocked his phone and found two unread messages.

I am not sorry for what I did but I AM sorry that you were hurt by me. I felt confined, held too close. I love you. I mean that. I won't leave you till you kick me out ;) till then I guess you are stuck with me. I'm glad we are okay now. I miss you too sweetheart, but trust me to take care of myself here ok? I won't get into any trouble and I won't see him alone again, I promise. After all we've been through... Come to me soon, please? We can stay together some weekend when you are free. WAKE UP sleepyhead!!! I wish you were here... ~ Anamika

He smiled, relief and contentment spreading over His strong,dark features. He pressed Reply. I'll try, ok?, He texted back. Then He opened the next one.

Count the days. She won't be yours much longer. ~ Sender Unknown

He went back to her text and typed in a new message and sent, I'm coming tomorrow, can I stay the week or longer? If so I wanna bring my work.

Anamika's reply came the next minute. 

OMG YES!!!!!!! When your first message came, I thought you were busy. At what time will you reach? ~ Anamika

I'll surprise you :)

OMG OMG :D you are coming! I can't wait. I have to leave now, work. Be safe please. ~ Anamika

Yes, you too love :)

He sat up on his bed and smiled at the picture of Anamika and Himself sitting on his table. "You are safe with me, Ana. How I miss you...", His voice trailed off as He traced her face in the picture. He opened the top drawer and pulled out a small box. He had been planning to surprise her at her place next weekend but no harm in going and staying with her the week before that. He opened the unknown sender's text again. Unknown to His phone but not Him. He hit Reply. Satisfied seeing the delivery report, He set about His normal day and made plans to leave. Anamika. His sweet, daring Ana.

They'll be together soon ~~~

I don't think so ~ Sender Unknown

He woke up late and found that one message waiting for him. The sender wasn't unknown to him though. It was the guy whom Anamika wouldn't let go off or even think of betraying, her boyfriend. No messages from her or even a missed call. She couldn't have disregarded him that easily. He knew she cared for him, maybe even liked him and after all, she had trusted him to keep her safe that night, to go on that harebrained trip. But how could he even dream of her when this "boyfriend" of hers who wasn't even around was in the way? He opened the gallery in his phone and stared for a while at her picture. There was nothing remarkable about her face or features. He couldn't understand his feelings. They had just met a month back and there was no reason for her to even send a message. Then why that anger in him like he had been betrayed? 

But there had been something between them that night. He suddenly caught himself wishing he was the reason her eyes had that special light in them and not someone else. He wanted to explore the intimacy they had found unexpectedly. Maybe he could get her to change her mind. Suddenly his phone beeped.

Thank you for a wonderful trip. It was amazing :) but I won't be here any more after two weeks. I got my scholarship and leave to go. It was nice knowing you. Goodbye and take care of yourself. ~ Anamika

He stared hard at the phone for a few seconds. Anger and an overwhelming surge of sadness took over him by surprise. He threw the phone. The screen cracked and glass dust glittered on the wooden floor. "Damn you", he whispered and shut his eyes, "I never wanted to fall in love."

-the end-

Winter Heat (3)

Magic changes ~

The ride back was quiet but more intimate. Maybe something had clicked up there, on that beautiful piece of bare rock. They were sharing a headset, listening to some music on his phone. This made her lean in closer. But what made her rest her arms on his waist? Her natural instinct of that it was too hard to reach the back handle to hold on for sheer safety? After all, this was her first time on a bike too. 

Quite a lot of firsts. Her first bike ride. Her first night out. Her first visit to that place. Her first time out with a man alone in a new place. Her first time in the rain and wind on a winter's eve. Her first time breaking loose of everything that held her. Her first time to break the barrier in her mind, to let go of responsible action. Her first time that inspiration had struck her in one blow. Her first time truly awed by anything and everything she saw from a single drop dangling on her partner's hair to the power she felt scaling the huge stone to her objective. Her first time fully out of her comfort zone on every level.

And to Anamika, this was overwhelming. The sheer marvel that had taken place inside her, the shift in her thoughts, the break in her cage, the challenge to dare and do... And shared with a familiar stranger. A familiar stranger whose eyes she now felt as too familiar. They stopped for tea and biscuits a kilometer away from her place. He had insisted on her eating. She had given in after a few weak attempts to go back. Dawn was breaking but the dark clouds prevented the soft light from breaking through. The rain had ceased and the whole area, the whole city, took a new light and face in Anamika's mind. 

The magic of the night was not broken yet ~~~

Why? The question haunted him. Several times he had quipped on what she would do if he stranded her there or if he decided to not go back hence cutting off her only mode of transportation. Each time she had an answer, a comeback to every question he posed with a clear smile on her face. Then he had asked whom she liked in her new area. She said she liked him. Oh, she did add a lot of other names to the list but he was there. She liked him. He was aware of what people spoke about him. But she did not seem to show any knowledge of it. He should ask. But he didn't have the courage just then.

"What are you thinking so hard about?", the question was asked in a teasing way and he smiled.

"Nothing, I had a good time with you."

"Have you taken others there with you?"

"Girls? No, you are the first", was that a blush she turned to hide?

"Hmm... Interesting. Why me?"

"Because you asked."

"Just because I asked you took me? You are crazy", hints of a smile tugged at her lips but she managed to keep a straight face. He laughed.

"Yes I am, but not as much as you!"

They both burst out laughing at the idiotic nature of their sudden trip and assured each other of illness to come after getting drenched in the cold rain. They finished their tea. He dropped her off near her gate and sped off. She stood for a moment watching the receding figure. She went inside, to her room, her mind quiet for once. She took a warm bath, washed her clothes and lay down on her bed.

The magic was starting to fade ~~~

She finally checked her phone. 18 missed calls, 38 messages, 5 SMS-es. Him. She had hurt Him so much, she knew. But His last message cracked her.

I don't know why you want to do this. But whatever the reason please don't leave me. I'm waiting for you. I'm holding you to your promise and I trust you. Please come back. I can't bear this.

She called Him. They talked. He never understood why she did it except that she wanted to and ultimately in her mind, had to. She understood Him to an extent, placing His actions and words under His insecurity and misery over not being there for her, not being with her. But she also never understood Him fully. It was a night of magic for her and darkness for Him.

They had both changed ~~~

-continued-

Winter Heat (2)

The checked jacket ~

A deserted alley. Wonderful.

That was her first thought. Anamika got off the bike and scanned her surroundings quickly while keeping her eyes mainly on the man locking up his bike. "It will be safe here. Come, let's walk. I will show you the hall", his voice caught her wandering mind's attention and she quietly followed him. Silence cloaked them but not against the rain. "The steps", he motioned with his hand. A large staircase of uneven stone loomed in front of her. As far as her eyes could make out in the thin mist and rain, there was a small light on top. "Let's go", she said and her face broke out into a smile. They took the first step.

She felt freed ~

The stairs ended and now it was a bare wet face of solid rock that faced them. A quiet, easy banter had struck up between them. Unobtrusive, gentle, calming and a thousand more words. It felt normal, natural almost, that she should be here that night, soaked in chilling rain and being nearly swept off her feet by the wind. Oh, the wind. The glorious wind which blew strong sending chills to her heart and shivers down her spine. He called her crazy yes, but he never questioned why she came. He let her be. And maybe this... Familiar stranger understood her better than her lover.

Her lover who was also her best friend. Her best friend who had seen her many rough patches, who believed in her, who trusted her. Who had broke down crying, begging her to stay. Her, the cold blooded creature who had shut Him off when the pressure was too much. Love freed and love confined. Confined.

They reached the chamber and it wasn't much. But it was something. To her, it was a mark of celebration. A mark of new strengths, decisions and hopes.

A chamber from dreams ~~~

Passion, heat ran through her. She eyed the man sitting next to her on the rock. Her familiar stranger who had let her be. Who had come for her in the middle of the night to show her what she had demanded to see almost on a childish impulse. She was listening to him yes, laughing and responding suitably and on time. Yet some strange feelings swept through her and calmed her. Relieved her. Freed the child in her to be natural again, to be open, to feel what is out and not just in.

He thought she was beautiful that night and saying as much, made her stand for a picture. She stood. He clicked. Her smile was now frozen, captured as an image in his phone.

"Are you cold? You are shivering. Have my jacket."

"No, I'm fine. Keep it, you need it."

That smile on her face, the faraway look in Anamika's eyes, the dreamy expression taking in all the little lights that surrounded them and her mind oblivious to the her body's trembles. Maybe that was what struck him as beautiful. Maybe it was the childlike nature interspersed in the maturity that was she. The softness of her looks, that pure unadulterated joy. The trust she showed in coming with him in the middle of a stormy night. The beauty of honesty and strength that brought her here with him. He knew how hard it must have been for her.

"I insist."

"Okay, but on one condition."

He draped his jacket over her shoulders, "What?"

"Share it with me. It's too cold for you to be macho."

Dark brown met light brown. "Okay, you crazy woman."

They stood side by side. He smiled to himself as she put her arm around his shoulders, reaching a little high to match his height, covering him in the jacket's warmth. He put his arm around her waist to support her pose on the uneven rock and then hesitated as his arm met the soft, wet cloth. But she made herself comfortable quickly and so he let his hand rest on her waist limply. Does she realize what she is doing?, he wondered. Laughing and smiling along with their tirade while holding her safe, he led her through the darkness and the rain, sometimes lifting her to help cross uneven patches and safely down the stairs they had gone up 3 hours ago. 

She really was beautiful ~~~

-continued-

Winter Heat (1)

Throwing the dice ~

 The confidence. That's what struck. The confidence that he can and that he will. Anamika didn't spend much time to ponder why. She wanted a break from this. A break from all this confusion, the heartache... The loneliness. The loneliness which seared the soul and made her wander in the cold nights looking for respite. In a lonely park, in the rain, he came. And cliché it might be, but if it hadn't happened somewhere at some point of time then why did every romance novel have such a scene? This was real. This was new. This was a risk. This was breaking all the rules. Anamika finally let it go.

She told Him, "No. I don't want this over-possessiveness and over-protectiveness. I haven't done anything to warrant that I can't take care of myself."
He replied, "I'm sorry. Take me back. I won't do it again. But please stay. Stay with me. Stay."
The desperate sound of His voice jolted her, scared her, "I will come back to you. You need to trust me to come back to you. Else there isn't going to be anymore of this. I won't be caged" by love. The last two words were unspoken.

"I trust you. I trust you. But not him. Please not with him."
"I can take care of myself."
"You can't say that! How will you be sure?!"
"No more of this. I'm leaving. Bye."
"Wait - "

She hung up and cut His call. Now the moment she had been dreading yet wanting - the moment to leave. Anamika came to terms with herself.

She left ~~~

"Are you cold?!", he asked her over the wind rushing past their ears. She left ample space between them on the bike's seat such that they did not touch. "No!", she called out. He suddenly sped up making her momentarily lurch forward. But she clung fiercely to the back of the bike and did not bump against him. 

The rain slowly soaked in. Through her heavy hooded pullover, through her t-shirt, through her thick jeans. The puddles on the road soaked her bare feet clad only in a pair of slippers and the wind swept her hood off her head. The rain beat down relentlessly yet with a heaviness that made time seem slower as they went faster. Over the flyover, away from human communication. The drops felt cold on her bare face. Anamika had a million thoughts rushing through her head.

Was this right? Going with a man she had just met some weeks back on a midnight journey alone? Not to mention on his bike on a rainy winter night. If he decided to hurt her, she would be helpless against his well-built, athletic frame. She was the responsible one. Anyone else in her situation, she herself would have called a fool. She would have made sarcastic remarks on how naïve girls these days could be. But she wasn't a girl anymore. She had crossed the transition and she wasn't much behind in years to this man in front of her. Maybe 2 or maximum 3. She was a woman and she would handle herself with dignity and poise. If she had put herself in this situation, she would see that she saw herself safely out... No matter how dangerous they claimed him to be.

The bike slowed down and stopped ~~~

-continued-

Is This...

Is this the only thing you know?
To give and say it's for you
And reclaim with the stamp that it's yours?
Is this the only thing you know?
To give hope and keep making promises
Which you are never sure of, never keep?
Is this the only thing I know of?
Your promises, evasions and disappearances
Along with an empty shell of a home -
Something which I wish I never knew.

Thirst

The thirst for life was lost. She walked slowly to the light.

They never saw her walk again.

Heartbreaker

Why give hope to the innocent 

That what you take away 

Might come back sometime?

You know she won't see it again.

She won't be seeing you either,

heartbreaker.

They Say

Test the strength of faith

Against what they say,

Fantasies in your head

Never are true dreams, they say -

But what do you know?

And how do you know?

If truth be told :

Is reality is as real as you know?

Sleep

It won't hurt when you sleep
When dreams weave stories for you to keep,
It won't hurt when you sleep
That no one needs you, no one for you will weep,
That you never matter unless pride is at stake,
That you never matter unless you can do what they say,
It won't hurt when you sleep,
Little one, I wish your dreams weren't just dreams.

The Mask Seller

Words will come easy, as easy they say As putting on a mask and looking each way, Faces hidden, identity obscured Nothing is known except the words that are told

A carnival passed by, coloring the streets All shades of red and yellow, blue, purple and green A mask seller stood to the side, his wares near end A little girl came by, hoping he’d, to her, one lend

Vendor, vendor, show me please All these masks you have lined up so neat. Which do you want child? They are all so cheap. The cheapest you have mister, I can’t afford the best. Few can sweetheart, but the cheapest will be on your face 10 years hence, you’ll find truth in what I say. But I don’t have a mask mister, How will I join and play? Keep this child, and remember what I say The best one is the one now – The one not covering your heart and face.

Running to Darkness

Short breaths,
Quick breaths,
A glance each way,
Breaking out in a run,
Then quick reduction to strides,
Escape mere inches away,
A brown door, a black gate,
Pandora's box in oneself
Unleashed, taunts one to run away
Into the darkness inside,
To the voices in one's head
Which whispers freedom,
Price to be paid in blood.

Home.

Darkness surrounds her -
She can not fight.
Weeks to go -
She slowly dies.

Unchained yet chained,
Loneliness sinks in,
Depression strikes hard,
At the girl within.

She screams and screams,
Cries then moans,
For the new place she found
Which is now to her -

Home.

25 Days More in Death

Tormenting glassy confines,
Sucked into a vortex of time -
Month of merry making, no.
Month of tears told,
You spent time in fantasy
But you were never far away,
Yet you chose to forget reality :
The chill on a summer's day;

How dare you try forget
The roots from where you were born?
Roots that will now strangle you
For daring to get torn
Apart from the green fields and blue sky,
Fast tongues in gentle hearts,
Clean air and calm breeze -
What some love to call home
Yet you call it disease;

A cancer you try to rid,
A cancer which will not give in,
A cancer that you did
Because you are the one who sinned -

Against the mother,
Against the father,
The brother and the grandmother,
Sisters, uncles and aunts,
More family untold up in arms
Ready to mow you down
For you're the black sheep in that crowd,
The weed that must be pruned,
A good seed turned bad, they muse.

Yet you, lone flower, tried to defend
What is yours and who are you in sense,
To finally give up and give in
To everything that left her dead inside skin.

25 days more to life.

The Lone Souls

Eyes of the world watched
As the two lone souls walked,
And finally stood
Between some undergrowth in a wood,
Touching forehead and toe,
Hands clasped - not wanting to let go,
Skin touching with lips inches away,
Breath escape as they softly say,
Few words of love and close the final space
And give in to desire and fully embrace,
Not ones to sin but love they may,
As eyes of the world watch as them going their way.