Taint of fear

I have felt like this before
And it led to nowhere but trouble,
You assure me time and time again
That you do not mean to hurt me;
But neither did he initially
And hurt me, he did -
Oh so cruelly, so intentionally,
That was when I felt like this
Before; when I did not know better,
When I thought in love you would never,
Ever,
Want to hurt the other soul;
He taught me otherwise.
A lesson I'm not sure if I'm grateful for.
Because I'm feeling like how
I've felt once before,
When I was willing to give my trust
With open arms and no hidden thorns,
With all the love overflowing,
Because I only know one way to love,
Even now,
I only know to love completely
Or not at all.
Yet my love is tainted with scarred trust,
Rusted gates of my heart creaking opposition,
Of not letting you in.
I'm scared, terrified of what you may do,
Because if you intentionally hurt me,
I will hurt you 2.

Brave

What is it about loving you that makes me so brave?
Is it the possibility of more or just that
You picked me up with rubber gloves,
Did not deny that I'm just a branch of thorns,
Yet accepted me just the same.
I lost my bloom so long ago,
My petals (my beauty, my softness) fell one by one,
I had stopped feeling soft an eternity ago,
Was left as a carcass to the wind.
I never knew that I could not hurt,
That I don't need to hurt,
That I could still be soft, be kind,
Be considered nice, beautiful
For all my battle scars, for my darkness,
But you still held me,
Learnt to hold me as me,
Even when all I had were thorns.
And now I feel so brave,
That maybe love might let me bloom again,
Because I had stopped wanting to grow,
Yet now I find myself growing,
Spreading, maybe even budding,
Though I still keep my brown thorns.

Alive

There is something which tells me when I'm with a human being with the capacity to be human and humane. Most people say that this is "being a man" or "being a woman", but it's not. It's neither and both because
at the end of the day, we're all salt water and dirt mixed with love and pain, it's upto us whether we become the monster we fear or the angel we wish to have.

Sparks of insanity

Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
There is no reason to hold back,
I am just letting myself feel you.
And you to feel me.
You are warm. I'm cold.
Cold as the now hardened soul within me.
Your love seems odd to me,
A tribute to the remnant of yesterday's me.
This is all about me in case you haven't noticed,
Nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with the way I exalt,
The way I adore, every touch of you.
It shouldn't be this easy to turn my back
And walk away from so much love,
All that care, all that insanity where I found peace.
I am calm in your storm.
I was so quiet when you thunder.
I had become so used to your loving violence
That every hailstone is a brick I throw at myself
While digging my grave and bringing you gold -
I was calm in your storm.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
I tell you I want out of this loving cage
Where I am eating chocolate cake
Drowned in strawberry shake
Without complaint.
Well I complain now that I hate it.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
And I wish you never read this -
Because it would never be as easy to stop,
As easy as it is to die in paper,
To tell you the truth.
And to turn the other way.

High

- aftermath of getting too involved in a book : No Way To Say Goodbye by Anna McPartlin.

#HIGH

Is this what it is to get high?
Tell me love, how that comes by.

I lived in a day.

A woman's pain and gain
I saw all her sorrows and stains,
As a man, an addict
Thinking *high* never had a limit,
Children seeing that love
Will not or ever last,
That death would claim it
Or it would come to pass.

An alcoholic, a junkie,
A victim of rape.

I'm on a high of my own terrain.

On a smell, a rustle that took me away
Away from another night alone in the rain,
You gave me my escape love,
You gave me my escape.
But like the story,
Are we too eventually to fade?
If we do, I hope we relight another night,
A bed, a whiskey bottle, soft songs to sing.

Maybe another time and another day,
For I know from your smoke, we are on different ways .