Leave

I wonder why you came -
Created a fairytale,
Spun stories out of thin air,
Made me believe in fantasies
I know cannot be true.
I wonder why you came -
My mind is a terrible place,
You're looking to get hurt,
I'm the last one to stop you,
So think, and think again.
I wonder why you came -
Don't kiss me like there is an end,
Don't touch me like you want me,
Don't caress me like you mean it,
When I know you will also leave.
I wonder why you came -
I trust you to leave,
I am not looking for promises to stay,
I'm not looking for anything,
Just maybe a body to keep me warm at nights,
Someone to hold me tight,
Someone who'll come after me
When they know things are not right
I wonder why you came -
What do I have that you want,
I wonder why you came,
Is it just to go away?
I wonder why you came -
Please stay away, loving is a dangerous game,
Please leave before I go insane,
Please don't touch my pieces just to bleed,
I wonder why you came,
When I never asked you to stay.

Intimacy

Move your hands over me.
Delicate and slow.
I'm not a rock nor a piece of china,
I'm a woman and I'm whole.
Touch me there where it beats,
Caress me and you'll see,
Actions do speak louder than words
Because love is not as silent,
As they think it ought to be.
Go on, move, you have permission to do,
I gave consent, I want you in me,
I have given you my body in its entirety.
Only remember this -
It's just my soft body in your hands,
My heart and soul belong to another man

And this is only to be a one night stand.

Hurt me

I promise I'll hurt you,
We'll take it easy and slow;
No need to hurry.
I'll pull you along -
I promise I'll hurt you
In every way you want,
We'll drag that pain together;
After all, pain just leads to pleasure
But I can't promise I'll save you -
When it hurts and you think you'll drown,
I might even be the hand holding you down;
But I promise I'll hurt you,
The pleasure will be all you'll know -
Even if I don't save you.
Even if I don't touch you at all.

Precious trust

How do you trust the one you know you could have,
Had you only known a little earlier -
But now you're in pieces all over the floor,
You don't have it in you to give anymore;
You're scared of expectations,
You'd rather just give up, move on, run out the door -
You turn back, see him standing there, (sigh)
Go back to love some more,
And just pray, pray to a God you don't believe in,
Just pray, he will not be like the others,
Just pray, that he won't be the same.

Cold feet

What does love mean to you?
A kiss to a rose you grew?
Your cat greeting you at the door?
What does this word mean?
We have given it a lot of nuances,
Yet none seem to add up to a meaning.
What does love mean to you?
Enjoying a debate with old dad?
Helping your mom to make lunch?
What does this word mean,
When you're standing at the altar
And you are getting cold feet,
You're staring at the woman who is meant to be -
Your kiss from a rose,
Your favourite boring day,
Your burnt dinner after a long day,
Maybe even tears during those weeks,
An emergency rush to the doctor,
The one who greets you at the door -
But you just don't know what to tell her.
And she's trusting you.
What does love mean to you?
Spending time with this woman?
But you spend time with parents too,
Let's not forget your babies who wait
Day in and day out for you to get home.
What does love mean to you?
Writing a story that makes people cry?
And when you are still at the altar
She's waiting for you to say, "I do"
And the words just don't come out -
The priest is prompting you,
You break out in cold sweat,
Considering the endless number of days,
Days and fights and tears and screams,
And may be some happy scenes.
She is looking at you, she's smiling,
She is the only one not prompting -
Shouldn't she be the one asking?
She is mouthing something silently,
(What is that?)
She loves you and it's ok,
Doesn't need to be now or ever,
Only just as long as you want it to be.
What does love mean?
You find yourself telling her now,
"I love you," and the crowd applauds.
She is still smiling and says the same.
What does love mean?
You're telling them, her, "I'm not ready."
Everyone is shocked, silent
She is smiling, head tilted, looking at you.
All of a sudden, you're running down the aisle.
Away. With her.
Because you think you love her.

So where are you running to?

Sacrifice

Every time you called and I came,
I never questioned the story or the fail,
You were never to blame in our game,
Rules changed now, I'm no longer tame -
You consumed all the air inside my lungs,
Ripped off all the skin from off my bones,
I was prepared to sacrifice my life,
But now I won't do it twice -
All the energy in my soul is gone,
All the passion burned out long ago,
I would stay longer had you been nice,
But now I'm leaving, cold as ice.

Unheard unsaid

It's easier to leave unsaid,
Those words which can't be unheard,
It's harder when it's out there
For everyone to see and judge,
Especially you and me,
Especially us, if there is one;
Because I can be spinning fairytales
From dust, weeds and rose petals,
Imagining a dashing prince
Or a brave hunchback,
It can be anybody, everybody,
But somebody kind.
Please leave it unsaid.
We cannot unhear once it's there.
Let's just be, you and me,
A fairytale spun from dust, petals and weeds,
A story just for you and me.

Theory of loss

The worst part is realising that you knew it,
That it was over long before you ever let go,
Knowing it isn't meant to be because you won't allow it.
Tragedy striking for simple reasons -
Nothing other than a few "theoretical differences",
"Different thought processes" and "needs",
The "wants" become immaterial here.
The worst part is feeling nothing and wanting to cry,
Cry for a theoretically good loss yet deep inside,
You are scared that you feel nothing at all.

Sparks of insanity

Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
There is no reason to hold back,
I am just letting myself feel you.
And you to feel me.
You are warm. I'm cold.
Cold as the now hardened soul within me.
Your love seems odd to me,
A tribute to the remnant of yesterday's me.
This is all about me in case you haven't noticed,
Nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with the way I exalt,
The way I adore, every touch of you.
It shouldn't be this easy to turn my back
And walk away from so much love,
All that care, all that insanity where I found peace.
I am calm in your storm.
I was so quiet when you thunder.
I had become so used to your loving violence
That every hailstone is a brick I throw at myself
While digging my grave and bringing you gold -
I was calm in your storm.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
I tell you I want out of this loving cage
Where I am eating chocolate cake
Drowned in strawberry shake
Without complaint.
Well I complain now that I hate it.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
And I wish you never read this -
Because it would never be as easy to stop,
As easy as it is to die in paper,
To tell you the truth.
And to turn the other way.

Do not.

Do not whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
If you don't intend to be sweet.
Do not tell me you love me,
When I know your heart is elsewhere.
Do not, please, I beg of you, want me -
Because this body is more barren
Than a desert in peak summer.
Do not mistake that I am undiscovered,
When everything is laid out in the open,
For all eyes to see and judge, including yours;
And if you still believe you love me,
Tell me first if you like me -
Because only friendship will tide us over
Long nights where instability will shake us,
Like wind against new leaves on an old tree,
Aching and clinging on for dear life,
Yet wanting to let go because of lust unsatisfied.

Damsel turned demon

All that pain you're locking inside,
All that anger you've felt and never shown,
This self torture you're going through
Each and every night, you release it
Cut by cut, but you know it's too late now.
No one noticed and no one knew
And now you've become someone
Whom they don't know
And neither do you.

Forbidden fruit.

Untouchable because of perfection,
Unbreakable because of exterior,
No blemishes, no spots, flawless,
The forbidden fruit, a perfect sphere.
I wish it were so easy,
To dismiss it from my mind
But what I can't have attracts me
Beyond any sense or rhyme.

Touched it once, exalted in the sense,
Smelt and lived it,
Felt like glory days again.
I took one bite and I knew I was gone.
Poison, only poison running through my heart,
Blood transforming to black rot,
Oh, I got all the knowledge I felt I lacked,
Only my body has become stone,
My heart has gone cold,
All my senses have gone numb.

Then you approached me, a blessed one,
Someone who has been able to ignore its presence,
Someone able to live in bliss,
That one who told me not to touch,
Without ever knowing why not to feel,
I wish it were so easy,
To dismiss it from my mind
But what I can't have attracts me
Beyond any sense or rhyme.

And now you've seen me do the unspeakable,
You're watching me turn to stone and sand,
You still offer a loving but doubtful hand.
Seeing you, the guilt hangs over me
It stabs me one grain at a time,
I think you love me but I no longer can, I'm
Untouchable because of perfection,
Unbreakable because of exterior,
No blemishes, no spots, flawless,
Like the forbidden fruit,
Rotten black inside.

For the one who maybe

A workaholic who never stops,
Loving is something I can't stop,
If you never get the kind of love
That you were desperately searching for,
I take relief in being what you're looking for.
I like making a lonely man a little less lonely,
I like making an insecure girl feel she's beautiful,
I want to help each and every single one.
But in that, while being me, I'm losing you.
So I try to give you priority,
I try to not be me.
Somewhere along this painful act
Everything became too real for me.
I found myself without friends,
I found myself alone,
Isolated in a hell hole where
Stupidity is glorified beyond control.
I craved for the touch of a man,
Any man who can show me I mean something,
I became someone else seeking validation,
The reason for my existence,
Any reason to keep breathing,
Just to think that I am not dead,
That I am not dead while being alive,
But I couldn't find a single reason
Once you were gone and we had all those fights
I bowed like grass and you like a willow
There is a difference between a tree and grass stalks,
How much it bends, how long it survives,
I was squashed under your feet
Trying to hold it up and pay homage,
I became nothing, an empty shell,
An empty shell of a girl who never knew
That she was much more than what she was turning into.
I broke. I'm sorry I broke.
I tried holding on as much as I could.
I still believe you're the most beautiful man I've met,
And I'd still choose you in another life,
Even if it meant hurting on days like this,
Memories are all we're allowed in the end.
But stars are meant to burn alone,
You don't realise but, you're a star too.
You can attract some planets to you,
You're young still.
I'm that breed that won't last long,
Bright enough to give unfailingly,
Small enough to go unnoticed,
Till one day I'm a just black hole,
Ending in myself, completely, alone.

Almost

I almost called you yesterday, but you called me instead.
I almost asked you to stay, then you asked me not to leave.
I almost shouted at the profanity
Of what our love has become,
Yet you still call it sacred
And think it will solve all your problems.
That I will solve all your problems.
I almost did.
I almost also walked away,
I almost also thought of myself before you,
I almost gave myself priority,
I almost asked you to leave
Because me loving you does NOT,
It does not let you decide how I love;
And now I am too scared to ask you to leave.
Because if I do, I don't know how you will be.
Fine or even better I suppose.
I want you to be free of me,
This crippling clutch, your magic genie.
But please choose to let this genie go,
Before she crumbles in this loneliness that you call love.