Melt away

It takes all but a split second,
To feel the sweetness of oblivion,
To want to slip away quietly,
Melt into the darkness -
No, there is no light
(I don't want any light)
At the end of this tunnel;
But there is something behind,
That aches and calls back,
The sweetness, the calm of the darkness
Slips away before you can grasp it,
And leaves you wondering
Why they pull you back,
Why they keep you here,
When all you want to do is slip away,
Quietly, melt into the darkness;
(It feels so much like home,
A home I once used to know)
But they call it death
Though I call it life.

Drowning

We never quite said hello,
It was a quick jump into a deep sea
And seeing you breathe while I
Drown.
We never quite said goodbye,
But it was always there in your eyes
And you just stood by watching me
Drown.

Silent night

The chapter has ended
The last word read
The book had been closed
All the pages bleed red

Your hands are trembling
As you put the light out
Ghosts are still roaming
You wake up with a shout

Her memory is still real
As real as the book
The pages bleeding red
Her blood stained on your tool

One mistake and your hand took a life
And your regret is like black strife when
Her fingers are still stroking your cheek
And she silently wishes you goodnight.

Necrophiliac

I have become addicted to the smell of you.

What smell is that?

The smell of sweat, soil, cigarettes, yeast and warm rum.

...

It isn't an insult. That smell is like my personal stash of high... And now that you're not around anymore, I've created it for myself.

What?

I walk around in this old forest at the end of the lane, smoke a few and treat myself to a rum every morning sitting nearby this place. That's how I douse myself in the memories of you.

You shouldn't do that.

Oh, who are you now to tell me this? You're just a dead body in this old forest at the end of the lane from 2 weeks ago. I love you though.

...

Colours

​all those beautiful colours just bleed into each other as we watch

sparkling, we are never sure of the colour of water

we are sure it's of all colours and colours that i don't see

we can imagine the touch and feel and sound when we sleep

in black and a mix of blur, my eyes deceive my waking moments

as these colours just swirl around us

people and more people and tidal waves of colours

whirlpools of feelings and the colours just flow

we are never sure of the colour of water

i believe it to be like a rainbow of a million shades

just like death is holding my hand

we just ask for all the colours to flow away

and for me a salty, transparent, underwater grave.

Between the lines

​I wonder if my words have meanings
Outside these pages which trap them
Between grey lines and white spaces.

I wonder if they can carry across minds
Feelings and thoughts wrote straight
Between grey lines and white spaces.

I wonder if some monsters are awakened
And if some hearts tremble on reading these words
Between grey lines and red margins.

I wonder if some nightmares turn to dreams
For others like they do for me with scribbles
Between white spaces and red margins.

I wonder if death is a dream for others
Like it is for me and if monsters run around
From red margin to red margin.

I wonder if I die and leave behind nothing
But a few words if I'll be forgotten
Between grey lines and white spaces,

Neatly marked by red margins,
Hardbound in blue and green,
Water reminding me of the drowning I do.

Everyday.

The Extra Friendly Neighbor...

#a rapist's ranting. (imagined)

"The feelings grow stronger, down below,
I become rock hard, at the sight of you I glow,
There's an ache in my arm, to reach out to you tonight,
Come and let me make you
My wife, my mistress,
It's just one night."

"Each time you pass by, I stare and stare,
Devour you in that little skirt,
Maybe in a salwar that you wear,
My thoughts become more frantic,
I need my release soon,
Dreaming of you doesn't help,
I need to have you soon."

"Why do you ignore me?
You act as if I don't exist,
Your friendly neighborhood uncle,
You're dressing up and tearing me to bits.
You walk around with guys,
They touch you and you laugh.
If they have so much freedom, then I do too, perhaps?"

"Girl, you are straining me,
I can't keep my hands to myself no more,
You're all alone in the house across,
Maybe I'll come and visit in this tone.
I can see you are busy, moving around like a dance,
Come and open the door for me,
Like the whore you act like..."

"So surprised to see me honey?
Never knew how you were tempting me each day?
Now let me put my thoughts to rest sweetheart,
My dreams will become actions you never forget!
Your screaming is just more fun,
Your squirming is making me come,
Stay still you bitch, or I might
Just beat you into it."

"What are these tears for now?
Aren't you enjoying this?
You're panting like a dog in the heat,
Liar, you needed me!
Let me show you how men can be,
Let me show you your place as it should be,
Listen here you little whore,
You'll keep quiet and let me take you some more!"

"Never speak of this again girl,
This man is just your friendly neighbor,
So maybe you fell and hit your head,
Explain the bruises however it helps;
Don't speak a word, or I'll find you right here,
You'll be waiting for me...
And I'll leave you *dead* clear."

Do you even realise...

Do you even realise
What you put me through?
Each word goes deeper
Than you think will.
Each sentence is marked
Down on this tired heart.
Every expression is noted
And understood in levels.

Do you even realise
What you put me through?
It may just be a joke to you,
Maybe it's me who's hard to talk to,
Maybe it's BOTH of us
And the circumstances don't favour
The words that pass between us.

Do you even realise
What you put me through?
When I have to watch
A gradual self destruction,
An eventual self deprivation
And a final painful decision.
So I say, How terrible it is
To love one whom death can touch.

A Last Note.

Author:This is fictional. Read on.

Calm. Contemplating the afterlife was never so easy before. But I was never so close to it either. All has been done. Everything I wished to do. Ok, maybe there are still somethings left. But it's not that important.

I'm glad I never learnt to swim. I had wanted to, but never really got the chance. Now it's come in useful.

The sea looks so vast, so great, so magnificient, so cold, yet so welcoming. Every wave that laps at my feet is urging me forward. This is the time the tide is changing. The waves are slowly getting stronger.

I'm walking forward as I'm typing this. Imagine. A lone, petite figure. Loose, slightly wet hair well past the shoulders. Illuminated in the bright glow of the full moon in the night sky and the street-lights behind me. You can see my pale pink frock swaying slightly as I slowly creep forward in this windless night.

I'm pausing. Feeling. The sand between my toes. My grey and blue slippers were abandoned somewhere near a bench under a street-light. Along with my wallet. It doesn't have any money, don't worry. Just some ID cards. My driver's license and university ID. Oh, and my library cards. I broke my ATM card before leaving it all there.

So now no one has to worry about my account being ransacked by any chance. The sand is so carressing. So soft. Moving up and down my feet as the waves come and go.

I'm waist up in sea water now. Uff. A giant spray just sent saltwater and sand into my mouth. How disturbingly...peaceful. It's funny somehow. Yet so...nice.

More sprays. Soon my mobile will be under the sea with me. But I want one of you to read this.

To feel this.

The water encasing you. The sand moving away under your feet. The velvety night sky and the big fat moon. The smell of salt in the air. The sound of a single lone car as it speeds by homeward on the road. They don't realise the beauty they are missing. Or may be they do and that's why they're heading home.

Because I'm heading home too.

I'm 20years old and all I want now is "home". Someone to call my own, someone who would claim me as theirs too. Someone who won't forget me on the wayside or leave me behind without reason. I'm so homesick.

I'm so homesick that I can barely see clearly. The sea has always been there. Kadalamma. The mother sea. Ultimately, that's where life started. The cradle of life.

I'm going back to that cradle. To my mother. To where I might finally be a part of, where I might finally and truly belong.

I'm making my final step. Farewell.

He Never Came

He never came,
Even when she called,
Even if her tone changed,
He never knew.

He never came,
Even when she asked,
Because something was wrong,
But he never knew.

He never came,
Till the end when we saw
Him sitting near her grave,
When he finally knew -

All she wanted
Was a little love,
A hug, his presence to come,
So she wouldn't have drowned

In her mind, black and deep,
In the places so out of reach,
But he never came
And he never knew

That his love could have saved her,
He never knew
That he could have been the difference,
Too late now, there is nothing to do.

Spooks.13.

Gloria William Mathew (the emotionless wife)_
I woke up and found him dead. They said it was an asthma attack. But I don‘t think so. I think my dear little sister is looking after me from heaven. He was a tryant. I loved him, yes. Even with all his faults because he was kind to me. But there were moments that I hated him with every fibre of my being for making me feel like a scared, helpless nothing. I don‘t know why he did that. But he did.

No one can blame me if I looked outside for help, relief... comfort. I found it. And Germain was so kind. A one-night stand. After that I introduced him to my sister-in-law without Will‘s knowledge about my role. Like I expected, they were happy together. Like calls to like and deep calls to deep.

Either way, my baby is safe from a father who would have treated him or her like another trophy on his shelf. Maybe it really was an asthma attack but I‘m superstitious. He called me stupid for that. But she never did.

She never did.

Ashler Germain (is love forever?)_
I never expected to wake up on this hospital bed. I can‘t believe this. No one had known. Then how did the ambulance find me just minutes after I had passed out?

The counsellor told me that I was depressed and suicidal about my girlfriend‘s death. He told me it is understandable and normal. I just need to stay here till all the toxins are out apparently. I don‘t know, medical whatever thingies. It‘s been 2 days since I woke up and 5 days since I was admitted. I will be discharged tomorrow I think.

It feels so weird that last week I couldn‘t imagine being with anyone but her. But now I feel nothing at all. Just... numb. All the grief and anger is just gone. Her brother died yesterday and made the headlines. Strange, how they followed one after the other.

I feel so empty most of the time. Except when Julia comes in. Apparently she is the one who found me. My new neighbour next door, a nurse who recently recovered from a coma. Seems like she had had an accident and had severe brain injury. The fuzzy dark hair on her head hasn‘t grown enough to cover the scars. But she is still pretty.

Very pretty and very kind to me. Makes the high point of my day everytime she comes around with that smile and a bag of apples and oranges.

*knock knock*

“Hey, you look better today. What did the doctor say?“, her smile feels so real. And if I wasn‘t so numb, I might have mistaken it for sincere affection.

And if I wasn‘t so dumb, I wouldn‘t have mistaken it for the same smile as hers. But that smile is something I won‘t see again.

“Hi. Thanks for coming again. Doc said I can leave tomorrow.“
“What! So soon?!“, so much shock and excitement. Worry and happiness at getting her messed up boy-next-door neighbour back again I suppose.
“Yeah.“
“Don‘t be such a grouch. Here, have an apple. You won‘t believe what happened today...“

She is talking so animatedly. The gestures and manner of speaking strangely reminding me of her. A weird line is floating through my mind in her voice, I‘m back home... With you...

Strange. The sky is clear outside. The first star is peeping at me from near the moon. Why do I feel like it is winking at me?

My attention is back on her. Her soft curves and smooth looking skin marred by ugly scars. Her pink lips moving, saying something. She put lipstick. Her hand over mine as she is saying something. My eyes are closing.

It‘s dark. A feather light touch on my forhead. Warm, soft lips. So much like hers. Quiet whispers in my ear but my eyes are still closed. A reminder of love? I don‘t understand. Is it you baby? I wish it could be you.
But it can‘t be. It never can. I told my goodbyes baby. I can‘t live with you.

You‘re a spook. Goodnight.

Spooks.12.

The Spook_
Ah brother. I have been a pain and taking your space, have I? When did I ever have my own space? Never! And of course, I‘m rubbish to you. Everything is rubbish to you except yourself and the prizes you earned.

And I‘m kind. I‘m so kind brother. Even in death. And that is why, brother, you breathe your last today.

I welcome you to hell. My dear loving big brother.

Ashler Germain (the suicidal lover)_
I can‘t live anymore. Not without her. Not without our child. Not without the family we were becoming. I can‘t bear this loneliness. Baby, I‘m coming to you.

Just one bottle. It will finish this pain. You showed me that. Through the photos. Every night, photos.

No one believes me. No one else can see those photos except me. You are driving me insane baby. And today the picture of that whisky bottle and the pills... Then just the whisky bottle... I knew what you had done. I just knew.

You want me to join you. I‘m so happy. I can‘t help my tears. Nothing is worth as much as you. Nothing in the world.

This is it honey. I finished the bottle. Now I‘m going to sleep. I only wish I‘ll wake up in your arms. My dark angel. My world is with you. Forever.

The Spook_
My time is up. I‘m starting to fade.

*the sound of an ambulance rings through*

I had my revenge. The Devil can take me now. The one in the photo Ash, the one you think of as me, you‘ll find her. I love you so much for going through all that just for me. I love you so much. And I‘m going to keep my promise.

She is the one I‘ll come back as. When you wake up, I‘ll be with you in another body. A body that is going to wake up alone from a coma.

You can‘t die just yet when there is so much more to live for. Those who deserved to... those who hurt me... they paid.

Now God forbid that anyone will say that this Spook is a softhearted one. I just killed my own family.

Atleast Gloria is safe with her secret. I‘m happy. Now I can move on. For good.

Spooks.11.

William Arthur Mathew (the caring big brother)_
The meaning is unclear as of yet. I thought she died of an asthma attack. But every night, her face returns to haunt me. Her hands clawing at her throat, as though trying to stop someone from choking her...

And then there is that idiot of a boyfriend, walking around saying it is such a beautiful day for Mother to have died. My sister died in a calm night. Yes, I didn‘t claim her body. It was against my mother‘s wishes. She was a shame to the family. An unnecessary burden better rid of. The accident just helped matters.

To the rest of the world, my bratty little sister is just missing. She isn‘t dead. Though Germain has been making accusations at me... He is easily taken care of. A few hits on the head and elsewhere will make him see sense.

The sense of what I can do, of course. What my money can do.

Gloria is so soundly asleep. Her first month of pregnancy. So far, I haven‘t had to deal with any trouble. The maids always take care of that. I wonder how the child will turn out. Boy or girl? It should be a strong,handsome boy. After all, I am the father.

Sierra... hmm... That brat is now always on my mind! And somehow her name keeps popping up whenever I think of Mother‘s death. Something is amiss here. If I died in my sleep, would anyone blame her?

No. Of course not. She is dead and gone. Even as a ghost, she would be pathetic. Simply useless and pathetic. Too soft for anyone‘s good. Pah.

I hope Mother went to heaven and that brat went to hell. She has simply been a pain to me from the time she was born! Nonsense. She should have never been born. Taking away my space and things. Rubbish. Truly rubbish. Sister... pah. As if I ever cared.

Trying For Distance

Distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But this strange need is making it harder,
How did this come to pass
That for the first time, I wish something would last?
Stranger still, the hand clenching my heart,
Unknown and new, the fear of losing you,
I don‘t want to know it,
Don‘t want to be in love,
I want to go back to normal -
Where I know death touches all I love.

Spooks.9.

Lucky No.9. _

She felt pressure on her throat. Inside her throat. All the air was being sucked out of her. Literally. She couldn‘t breathe. Reaching out for the inhaler on her nightstand, she choked as she knocked over other things. It was missing.

“MOTHER!“, she suddenly heard her son‘s scream. The gasps were getting louder. The breaths were becoming harder.

No. More. Air, the thought passed through her mind as her vision suddenly flooded with bright light. She passed out.

As the light filled the room, he rushed to her collasped form on the wooden floor. “Mother! Wake up! Where‘s the damn inhaler???! Oh MY GOD, Maman, BREATHE!!! GLORIA!!!!!!! WE NEED AN AMBULANCE!!!!“

Tears started streaking down his face. What was this?! His wife rushed into the room in a slinky black nightgown.
“Maman!“, she screamed seeing her beloved mother-in-law‘s body. “Will, lift her out! The ambulance is on it‘s way!“

Her husband turned to her slowly, his face white. “There won‘t be any use now Glo. She‘s gone. There is no more pulse. I think it stopped before I even got to her. Oh God, Glo. Everyone‘s gone now. Everyone.“
“Oh Will“, she laid a comforting hand on his shoulder as tears streamed down his face. Only a week ago, their sister had had a fatal accident. And now this. She hugged her husband. The clear dark sky outside betrayed no signs of the tragedy inside the big house.

The funeral was arranged quickly for the next morning itself. It was a quiet affair. Since the death of their father, their mother had been a bit of a recluse. Her wheezing problem didn‘t help matters either. The sky was clear and bright. A morose little group had gathered and all had a few words to say about what a sweet lady she had been, how welcoming, how kind. After the ceremony, one person looked at the sky and remarked,“It‘s so clear. It looks like such a cheerful day. Maybe her husband is welcoming her back.“

Suddenly a chill ran down his bone. Ashler turned around. He was sure he was being watched. But he just couldn‘t understand. The chill suddenly went away, just as it had come.

Here is the bit that he didn‘t know. The chill was his dead girlfriend‘s response to his statement,“Not my father Ash. It‘s me. I sent her to hell. Where all good mothers go...when they kill their offspring. Such a perfect day betrays my happiness. Mine. Goodbye now.“

A small white mist formed around the funeral party and dissipated just as quickly. No one thought it weird. It smelt salty and everyone assumed it was an anomaly of nature. After all, the sea was nearby.

...

The Killer_

It‘s so dark.

“Welcome to the afterlife. Your daughter awaits you.“

My daughter? No. No. No. Not her.

I‘m so sorry baby. I did it for you.

_The End_

Brother

How much will you push
Till I‘m forced to hush?
How much will you try
Till I‘m forced to die?

Brother in name
And not in deeds,
You will go lame -
It‘s a curse indeed.

You will go blind,
A family you won‘t find,
You will go dumb
Then one shall see you as a dump,

Brother by blood
And not by deeds,
I hope you to be drowned in floods-
Oh yes, this is a curse indeed.

Mortals

Losing people left and right,
Some are dead and some are alive,
Why does one hope so much
Even when one knows the pain will hurt?
Cancer eating people alive,
Suicides killing others from inside,
Heart attack stopping two hearts,
A quite whisper to end it all,
The last breaths now seem quite dear,
Goodbyes seem to have a new importance here,
What if you pass on without the chance
To say goodbye and end the storm?
So much to do, so much unsaid,
- I want it over dear aunt,
Let me go with you.