Needs

#When my anxiety decides to have a stay over in my head -

I want to ask you to stay. Because I need you. I'm starting to panic. My anxiety levels are shooting up. But you need to go. So go. I won't stop you. I can't stop you, you see. I can't make you stay. Because you will ask what can you do? And if all you can do is hold me when I cry and that too for no good reason, why you should you? When you have more concrete needs to attend to.

My friend, I love you and I trust you. I do.
But I don't.

My monsters are out in the light so darkness is more comfortable. I know I'm thinking up weird things because something I ate is irritating my stomach. Yes. I'm very well aware of it. But as much as I'm trying to control and dam the overwhelming flow of negative thoughts, it is leaking. My dam has leaks.
So soon, I'll drown in my own unnecessary tears telling me of my uselessness and how I'm not trying hard enough. Because I'm not. I should be more independent, more strong, more bold. I try. I do. Believe me.
But there's this fear holding me back. That I cannot trust my own body. I cannot trust myself.

So tell me then, how do I trust YOU when I cannot trust myself? How do I love YOU when I am unable to appreciate and love myself? When every waking moment makes me feel like a fool, and then you look so perfect to me. Even with all your imperfections.

Now I wonder how you could like me. Is it a lie? Are you for real? How can a whole person love little glass shards lying on the ground? Because they know when they touch it, they will get cut, they will bleed.

I'm those glass shards. You are that perfect person. Don't pick me up, I'm not worth it.

It's the anxiety talking - says one part of my brain. The other actually believes the f**king s**t that it is spouting out.
I need you now, I need you to hold me and hug me tight so I'll be polished bit of glass instead of a million shards. But I can't ask you. I could. But I won't ask. Is that not being needy and clingy? It makes you uncomfortable, I have seen that in your faces.

So, I love you but I don't. I need you but I won't. Do you understand anything?
I guess you do but you don't.
Thanks anyway.

31 July 2015
9:37pm

The Extra Friendly Neighbor...

#a rapist's ranting. (imagined)

"The feelings grow stronger, down below,
I become rock hard, at the sight of you I glow,
There's an ache in my arm, to reach out to you tonight,
Come and let me make you
My wife, my mistress,
It's just one night."

"Each time you pass by, I stare and stare,
Devour you in that little skirt,
Maybe in a salwar that you wear,
My thoughts become more frantic,
I need my release soon,
Dreaming of you doesn't help,
I need to have you soon."

"Why do you ignore me?
You act as if I don't exist,
Your friendly neighborhood uncle,
You're dressing up and tearing me to bits.
You walk around with guys,
They touch you and you laugh.
If they have so much freedom, then I do too, perhaps?"

"Girl, you are straining me,
I can't keep my hands to myself no more,
You're all alone in the house across,
Maybe I'll come and visit in this tone.
I can see you are busy, moving around like a dance,
Come and open the door for me,
Like the whore you act like..."

"So surprised to see me honey?
Never knew how you were tempting me each day?
Now let me put my thoughts to rest sweetheart,
My dreams will become actions you never forget!
Your screaming is just more fun,
Your squirming is making me come,
Stay still you bitch, or I might
Just beat you into it."

"What are these tears for now?
Aren't you enjoying this?
You're panting like a dog in the heat,
Liar, you needed me!
Let me show you how men can be,
Let me show you your place as it should be,
Listen here you little whore,
You'll keep quiet and let me take you some more!"

"Never speak of this again girl,
This man is just your friendly neighbor,
So maybe you fell and hit your head,
Explain the bruises however it helps;
Don't speak a word, or I'll find you right here,
You'll be waiting for me...
And I'll leave you *dead* clear."