Cast Away

I watched you from afar

You grew away from me

But you knew there was a star

That shone for you, that is me

I still watch upon you from high

Casting my bright light

Hoping you would look this way

So I can glimpse you, my life

I fell in love from far

Across the cosmic space

You drew me in your life

Now I shine on you and gaze

Down on that pretty face

So  beautiful from my seat

My throne, my kingdom

I wish to submit at your feet

I want you by my side

Not just to shine down bright

Trapped in echoes of my own world

I look upon your light

A mere human that you are

You drew me in your life

I wish to come down and take you

And share your simple life

Forbidden as I am

But still wanting more

Always know my presence

For you'll come soon enough

Caught in your whispering senses

Tender as can be

The simple life of a lady

Who gives so much as free

Look my way, my love

Though you may not see my face

Trapped in echoes of my own world

I try to give you what I may

Your final days there are nearing

I can feel it strong in me

The soul that longs for freedom

I'll bring you here to me

The last day has finished

Now you've joined me here

Only to spurn my ugly face

Now you see your guardian clear

Was my love in vain?

Was my care not enough?

Why do you choose another?

Why not me, my love?

My tears fall on shadows

of what I thought we'd be

Realise now your silence

Has forsaken life for me.

Love In The Dark

Is it now you realise
That even if dawn won't come to light
My window remains alight
Thinking you'll call my name tonight

Out in the shadows I creep
Wander under trees asleep
Carrying the smallest of lights
My eyes, they are my eyes.

I reach the water, I think
Of times I thought we linked
Wishing you'd come here and soon
I go back to my room

And so I find on my bed
A single rose, a single red
And one simple note that said
Three little words that meant

Almost everything to me.

Just Believe

You worry times are changing
You worry for your friend
All this worry in which you're
Slowly drowning in

You worry what's in your heart
You worry it'll be found out
You wonder whether it's easier
To just shout it out from roof tops

You worry what you'll do next
You worry what's coming next
You think you're going to be left alone
In the dark with no help

Useless thoughts fraught with caution
Wandering mind is now your fashion
You don't know whether it'll come out right
Child, just believe, it'll be alright.

Ermm... Wonder What This Is... (3)

*Part Three - What next*

Next day = torture. 

I mean ok, he's not in my class but I will see him at some point in the day. Hopefully I can escape that eventuality or face it like a champ. Well I didn't mean that... It was a PURE accident. He will understand. He should understand. I mean, he IS one of my best friends. Still I don't think I have the courage to... Damn.

"Hi Charlie!" 

Note to self. Next time you greet the guy don't look at his shoes, look at his face.

"Hey."

That's it? May as well get it over with.

"I sent you a message yesterday..."

"Really? What message?"

"You know"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do"

"No I don't. You send plenty of stuff. Which one is it?"

"Ummm... The 143 thing."

"I didn't get any 143. What's 143 anyway? Your area code?"

"You are so...."

"So...?"

"UGH!!! I sent an I love you to you. Happy? But-"

"Yeah I just wanted to hear it out from you"

Sweet Mother Of Earth, I swear if I could and if no one else was around, I'd slap that expression (:P) off your face! I don't know whether its laughter or a smirk or both but damn you it's annoying.

"But I meant it as a friend."

"Yeah I figured that. You're not the kind of person to back down from what you said..."

Oh. Well. That's a compliment. Get going when the going is still good.

"So catch ya later."

"Ok."

Was that hurt on his face? Sigh. Ok, turn and walk away... Turn and WALK AWAY. Damn me and my big mouth.

"Charlie. Wait. Are you ok?"

"No I'm not but thanks for asking. Bye Alison"

You'd think a melodramatic scene between two best friends would get noticed by everyone but thankfully everyone else is too busy with their own melodrama or whatever. After all, we are teenagers.

And thus ends the not-so-exciting story of how things became between me and my best friend.....

Ummm, NOT. Not this way. I can't just end it with him going off all sad and me feeling like the biggest jerk in the world. I have to fix this but how? I have no idea... But this is not some movie or a fairytale. It's me. My life.  And people come into your life for a reason and leave for a better reason. So I guess this is my happy ending.

THE END.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** 

People if you believed that I swear you were NOT listening to me. Remember the 'no secrets' pact? So this cannot be the end. Let's rewind the tape and play again.

.... "But I meant it as a friend."

"Really. Stop looking at my shoes. They're clean enough."

 Sigh. Face-to-face. 

"Yes sir. I'm looking at you. Now what?"

He is laughing. Laughing??? God you exist somewhere. I believe I believe I believe.

"My dearest Alison. I'm ok with your answer. I was just wondering. But then I realized that it's better for us to be best friends than lovers or any of that."

He is still grinning. I should grin back and say See I knew you'd understand. That's why I say you are really sensible even though you act as though common sense is not one of your virtues at times. But me, being what I like to think of as logical made a very stupid comment. But the fact is, the comment is very. VERY. True.

"But I didn't say directly a yes or a no. I just said I don't think I want to."

Shut mouth. Shut mouth. Shut mouth.

"What are you saying? Alison, don't play games with me please."

"Nothing."

"What?"

"We're still friends. That's it. Just friends."

"Hmm... Interesting. Ok madam as you wish"

Why is he smiling?

Tick tick tick. How time flies. Later that night AFTER meal. Ringa ringa ringa ringa ring. And tring tring.

"Hello?"

"I think we both want to try something more."

"Charlie? What more?"

"You know"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do. Goodnight."

Now this has to be the end. But seriously, I wonder what this is. :-/

............................................................................................................................

MAY BE CONTINUED (Though This Writer Truly Doubts The Possibility)

P.S. All characters and this whole story is purely fictional in case anybody gets any ideas.. :P

Ermm... Wonder What This Is... (2)

*Part Two - It continues*

"Alison."

"What?"

"About before....?"

Damn it. I was hoping he had forgotten. Hmm... Maybe if I change the subject?

"Yeah you disturbed my sleep. Idiot. So how was your day?"

"It was ok."

"What did you do?"

"I asked you something. If you don't like it, I'm sorry but..."

... Alison!!!!!!!!!!!..... Mom. For the first time I'm thankful you shout for me so loud.

"I gotta go"

Click.

So I left him hanging there. I know. It's terrible of me. In fact it's like one of the worst things I could have done. But this is going under one of the few times in my life where I do not know WHAT IN THE WORLD  I should do. Like I believe I mentioned before I DO love the guy. But then, I love ALL of my friends. Fie. This is so confusing. Well. I have one more day with my bed to think things through. 

Sigh.

One thing's for sure. I HATE YES OR NO QUESTIONS. :|

Now for mother. "What is it Mom?!"

"Eat"

"K"

........ Ate. Now what. Do I call him? Um... NO. I don think so. But... Sigh. Ring ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Charlie."

"What was it with your mom?"

"Wanted me to eat"

"Ate?"

"Obviously. You?"

"Yeah. Was called right after you."

"This is sad."

And I meant it. It was sad. I did not know WHAT to say to him. I can't say YES obviously. But saying a NO outright... Damn.

"You know just forget the morning thing. I wasn't myself. Really."

Charlie you dolt, I can smell your lies from a mile away. 

"REALLY.... ?" Sarcasm. My only friend at times like this.

"Ok fine. I was serious. But I get it you don't want to. I'm ok with that. But I will keep on loving you. I'm sorry if you don't like that but I won't be sorry that I do.... And yes I know this is cheesy but sadly I don't know a better way of saying this."

You are still putting me in a spot here dude. Sigh. That's it. NO. I can't go along with this.

"Yeah... I think I understand. But really I haven't THOUGHT of you that way and I don't think I want to..."

"Yeah I get it. But we'll still be friends right?"

Aww... How can you get mad at this guy? Ok. I know girls who will but I don't think I have it in me to be angry for too long. I just get annoyed and then I take it out on that person and then I maybe lecture and then I get over it. See? That's me. Anyways....

"Yeah we will."

"And no break in our promise right?"

"Nope. I don't want to. I still see you as my best friend"

"Great..."

"So... I think we should be hitting the beds... It's past 11."

And cut.

There. So its done. Then why.... Am I having this feeling something is not right? So for those of you wondering about what the 'promise' is - We promised that we'd always say everything about the other, ie no secrets. Unless of course it's someone else's secrets that they've given us in which case we wont say (obviously). Hmmm. Now that I think about it, isn't that what people in a relationship do? Oh great. :|

... Tick tick tick... I'm not able to sleep. I wonder if he's awake?

Text - Hey u awake? . Ok maybe I shouldn't. 

Delete. But why not? Try again - Hi u ther?

Na. He might be sleeping. Delete. My eyes hurt. I should sleep... Wonder how I love you will look on the screen. Okaaay... That feels odd seeing it there.

Message sent

Wait.

WHAT??????????????????????

DAMN YOU TOUCH PHONE YOU SENT THAT????????????????????????

Oh brother. Who did I message? Message sent to Charlie Proust.

Oh.

My.

GOD.

I'm screwed. What's gonna happen now???

............................................................................................................................

MAY BE CONTINUED

P.S. All characters and this whole story is purely fictional in case anybody gets any ideas.. :P

Ermm... Wonder What This Is...

*Part One*

You know, it's funny. Because up until now, I never thought I'd be the one to get a happy story.It's not yet the happy ending cause I don't count the end till I die and then I won't get to write this. Now back to the point. 

I played around with life. A lot. I expected that one day, far (faaaaaaaaar) away in the future, that I'd get serious and  eventually (sigh) buckle down with someone. Maybe not the whole "true love" and "romance" (like Twilight - the book/movie) because I couldn't really bear it except in (preferably) small doses in movies and books, but just a great friendship. Live with my best friend, have a good career, stay at a place I love to be. Make a home. 

Point to note : I expected this to be far (faaaaaaaaar) away in the future.

So now, without much ado, I get to the point. I got it. And this is the story of how our little friendship turned to more -than -just -that -but -still -that situation it is now.

We've known that the other person existed since... 4th grade? Saw each other here and there but never bothered. Went on like that for 8 more years I guess. Sometimes wondering if one should befriend the other when randomly seeing each other in shared classes or corridors or somewhere. Finally, up comes the last year of school and a situation we are FORCED to take notice and say something.

After my first, "Um. Hi. Yeah I know you. Charles? No? Then... Oh wait, it's Charlie. Yeah I remember. I think we spoke to share language notes in 5th grade. So what now?"... It was all argue, debate, quarrel, discuss, quarrel, debate, argue.

They say "quarrels bring people closer" and I guess that's what happened. Now the story MIGHT get a little sappy, but I swear on all the things I hold sacred, this is true.

One day, we got to talking on the phone about something or the other. Well one thing led to another and we both went up in smoke, ie blew up at each other. It got really bad. So bad we couldn't bear to talk to the other person and hung up.

One day gone. Saw each other at school, gave a cursory smile and passed by.

That night.

Tried calling but line was busy. Damn but I guess that happens. Next day = Holiday.

I'm a late sleeper so waking up to a ringing phone is NOT exactly my idea of starting the weekend. But still.

"Were you sleeping?"

Oh It's him. Charlie. You KNOW I was so WHY ASK???

"Yes" (Groan)

"Sorry. I tried to call you last night and your line was busy. I needed to talk to you"

!!! Could it be he was trying to call me too? Na... Too much coincidence. Whatever.

"I wanted to know if you were serious about the never want to speak to you again, you are such a chauvinist bit. So were you?"

Aww...  How sweet. He was always such a nice guy. But still a chauvinist.

"No and yes"

"What?!"

"No cause I'm speaking to you now and I'm sorry for blowing up like that"

"!? Then what is yes for?"

"Yes you ARE a male chauvinist"

"Haha... Guess I deserve that"

"Yes you do"

"Hey!"

"I'm just being honest"

"Oh yeah. Love that. You know, I love you"

Oh. He loves me... Wait. WHAT???

"Huh. So what's your plan for today?"

Wow. What an INTELLIGENT response.

"Ask you if you will be my girlfriend"

Oh damn. So not ready for this.

"Not a great plan"

"Why?"

"Because it isn't"

"WHY?"

"I told you"

"Don't you love me?"

Um. Damn you to hell. Charlie, you're putting me in an awkward spot here.

"Can we discuss this after I'm fully awake cause I think I'm in the middle of some silly dream"

"Haha... Sure."

Click.

We fight like cat and dog. Almost everyday since the first "hi". And am I to perceive that he fell in love with me somewhere in between? I admit I love the guy, I love our FRIENDSHIP and I do NOT think I'm ready for a relationship.

So LATER that day.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Yeah. I know. Sheesh."

"So?"

"So? So what?"

............................................................................................................................

MAY BE CONTINUED

P.S. All characters and this whole story is purely fictional in case anybody gets any ideas.. :P

This Story

Came out of this story
Thought I made on my own
The twist in the story
Made me all alone

I saw my life
All through your eyes
I saw my demise
In a bunch of ugly lies

So came out of this story
I called as my own
A twist in the story
Where I'm on my own

It wasn't meant to turn out like this
It wasn't meant to shatter to bits
I had to come out of my story
Because I saw through your eyes

Something that scared me
And forced me to lie
Now I don't know any story
Where am I to find? 

This can't be my story
Not pretty and white
This won't be my story
This is a lie

So I came out of that story
I used to call my own
The twist in the story
Ends here, half torn.

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Raindrops keep falling on my head

But there's no cloud in the sky

I wonder why,

Raindrops keep falling on my head 

I guess it's all in my mind

That I'll find,

Raindrops keep falling on my head 

Now there's a storm in the sky,

So raindrops keep falling on my head

I guess my mind is my sky.

Eighteen With A Front Row Seat

" I'm just a little bit caught in the middle 

  Life is a maze and love is a riddle  

  I don't know where to go 

  I can't do it alone I've tried  

  And I don't know why 

  I'm just a little girl lost in the moment  

  I'm so scared but I don't show it  

  I can't figure it out 

  It's bringing me down 

  I know I've got to let it go

 And just enjoy the show "

These are the lyrics of the song called "The Show" by Lenka.

But it really just about sums up what I've been feeling for quite a while now. 

After just getting out of school, I feel a bit like a fish out of water. Every other year before this, there wasn't much of a hassle because I'm returning to the same place. The only worry was which division would I be in and who'd be the teachers I'm gonna get. Now it's like... "OMG, who am I gonna hang out with? Where am I going? With who will I be staying?" etc etc and etc.

It's like "what what and what" ... Sooooo confusing and definitely a lot more responsibilities. Yeah yeah, people try to help but really, it can't be the same for everyone can it?

In my case, it's a leap of faith I'm gonna take by going into a stream completely unrelated to what I've learnt so far. 

So far, after turning 18, EVERYTHING seems new.
As in, I drove a car for the first time, went to a bank alone for the first time, will go to a completely new place probably without the close friends I've had so far for the first time... A LOT of first times are yet to come. :| And I'm also still not over missing what once was life for me - where everything was black and white and I didn't have to worry about more than school, homework, co-curriculars and home. The basic outline of life was more or less the same for 14 years. And that IS a REALLY long time.

Hence I guess that's why I feel a little... Lost right now. :/ I mean, I'm not even out of the kid stage yet! I'm still amateur and I don't really know much ( though I must admit I thought I knew enough at a point). 

sigh. But like they say, Life Has To Move On. So I can't keep waddling in my own imagination of what is going to come and look on it like a... Big bad boogie monster, NOR can I avoid the reality that I am an ADULT now. A major. A full fledged citizen of India.  

Plus I'm more or less positive I'm not the only one out there with similar feelings. Like we're out on a new playing field where the scores from before have been wiped clean. That the feeling of "I know what I need to know" has been replaced with "Damn I don't know about this and this and that". I mean it's not like we've done this before... 
But like for most things, I guess it's the "You're not alone" (love you MJ!) feeling that gives us SOME feeling of betterment. :)

After all, it can't be THAT bad can it?

A Little Piece Of Fantasy

It begins with her.

Like always. It's all about her.

Her in her fantasy world.

She's the queen... No... Empress.

Empress Claire. Nice ring to it.

There's all the things she's ever wanted... Could ever WANT.

One simple magic word... Meld into the mirror... Her own fortress... Explored the whole thing. she did. But not ONCE, has she set foot outside it. Outside the safe fortress, she always enters via the mirror room, is the swirling blackness of the unknown. Maybe if she ventures out, it wouldn't be so bad. To check unsure grounds.

But for ALL her fantasies, her 'guts' in the cold reality, in here... Her mind... She's all... And a coward too! How? Such a free spirited kid. But there are things she IS afraid of too...

I guess there are things we're all afraid of. It maybe really silly stuff too. Like I jump, ie, startle really badly, at loud noises and at lizards. It's not like I'm frightened but hey! It irritates me enough to tense me. So secretly, yeah, maybe I am a bit afraid. It links to things which I really will get scared of... Like bomb explosions and giant crocodiles, maybe?

Being afraid is a psychological defense mechanism. Same way is being brash and outspoken. So many things to hide. A mask we put on every morning and go to work, or college, or school, or wherever. Do we ever take it off? There are some.. A minority.. Who ARE what they are. And proud of it.

Are you one among them? Many will criticize you, many will like you and there will be a LOT of those who trust you as YOU whether they like you or not. 

And right now, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there... So i think it's a better compliment to be trusted than to loved. Well... maybe it is.

Back to Claire. She always escaped to her fantasy world to get a reprieve from reality as we all know. Her friends complained (naturally) after a while, that she seemed lost elsewhere. And she was too.

Curiosity was eating at her. What lay beyond her impenetrable fortress? What did the swirling blackness hold? 

She stepped outside during one fateful visit. Guess she should have paid a little more attention to where she was stepping. 'Cause she fell and fell. No end to it. She kept falling. Falling... And falling.

I opened my eyes and saw the white ceiling fan. Ok. Weird. I was giving a lecture to myself in my SLEEP? How much boring can this be? But two things that are really staying with me... Some food for MY thought anyway. I am proud of myself, but is it that I am understanding and accepting myself enough to say, "I am who I am and I will be who I want to be"? What about those around me? Now fully awake, it seems impractical to always be natural or to always have a mask.

But I do think about 'MOST' of the time if not 'ALL' the time.

And I hope it's Most for the lot of us.

Last Time

This will be the last time I can write my mind out Wear my heart on my sleeve This will be the last time I cry my eyes out And look back on time This will be the last time We will get together and play Like six year olds under the sun This will be the last time We can indulge our fantasies And recklessly go forth This will be the last time I say 'hello' with a 'goodbye' later And wish it was not forever This will be the last time I say 'I'll miss you' and know That I always will This will be the last time All my defenses will be down And I'll let you get so close This will be the last time To our current life of best things And the first time to the unknown And for the first time I truly say If we ever meet again We will not be the same.

House Of Loss

Alone now, so lost
Reduced to a friendly ghost
Haunting her house
With so many memories' stain

Melodies she sings
A fire not put out by rain
About her child and her ring
About a marriage gone insane

A child fills that place
You never knew was empty
Her husband too lost face
Left her a little too early

May be he was not worth it
Or may be he despaired
That his seed was done in
That he was unprepared

She hums a small lullaby
For child now gone
But still alive in her heart
From where these songs are torn

Yet she'll always remember
Can't forget the pain
Living in the house of loss
Where the memories still remain