Semicolon

To never have been in love would have been infinitely better than this.
To have never known happiness, to live in indifference would be infinitely better than this.
To never have been there in this world, living and breathing, would have been infinitely better than this.
~

If you ask me what is this, then I shall tell you that -
It is all the despodency that one should never ever have to know,
It is lives lived and forgotten and reborn and remade
In to forms we cannot even bring into existence except through thoughts,
And all thoughts come from memories,
Memories much better forgotten than to be forced into reliving
Again and again and again sans cess.
So with memories giving into thoughts,
We think and proceed in all hopes of a better ending.
Then thanks to all glory, we find it,
We feel it, create it, we live IT and
It is so magnificent, ethereal, it cannot be true
Yet it is.
It is all the glory that we sing about,
It is heaven made on Earth, it is our world.
Then it stops.
We find the ledge which breaks,
The needle in the haystack and
The bubble, big and shiny, bursts.
Everything stops and you'll be floating
Over a sea of memories again
And seeing nothing but an abyss.
An abyss of abuse and misuse and overuse,
An abyss of endless night with specks of light
Blinking on and off like the headlights
Of a broken down car.
You're that car now. You're at the semicolon.
~

This is something no one should have to go through but everyone does.
Some get away with just a comma and others,
Others end all with a full stop and then some others,
Then some others get both the punctuations.
They get stuck with the semicolon.
The long pause.
The doubt pause.
The hard pause.
And all the indifference and passivity seems better than this.
It still does.

Colours

​all those beautiful colours just bleed into each other as we watch

sparkling, we are never sure of the colour of water

we are sure it's of all colours and colours that i don't see

we can imagine the touch and feel and sound when we sleep

in black and a mix of blur, my eyes deceive my waking moments

as these colours just swirl around us

people and more people and tidal waves of colours

whirlpools of feelings and the colours just flow

we are never sure of the colour of water

i believe it to be like a rainbow of a million shades

just like death is holding my hand

we just ask for all the colours to flow away

and for me a salty, transparent, underwater grave.

Between the lines

​I wonder if my words have meanings
Outside these pages which trap them
Between grey lines and white spaces.

I wonder if they can carry across minds
Feelings and thoughts wrote straight
Between grey lines and white spaces.

I wonder if some monsters are awakened
And if some hearts tremble on reading these words
Between grey lines and red margins.

I wonder if some nightmares turn to dreams
For others like they do for me with scribbles
Between white spaces and red margins.

I wonder if death is a dream for others
Like it is for me and if monsters run around
From red margin to red margin.

I wonder if I die and leave behind nothing
But a few words if I'll be forgotten
Between grey lines and white spaces,

Neatly marked by red margins,
Hardbound in blue and green,
Water reminding me of the drowning I do.

Everyday.

Subjective truth

​Truth has strange faces.
The one you tell your lover,
Cut, edit, pasted and repasted.

Truth has strange eyes.
The one you tell the passer-by,
Uncut, no edit, no paste, it just is.

Truth has strange smells.
The one you tell no one, but she knows
She slept with you naked on the floor.

Truth has strange shapes.
The one you tell your best friend,
The orgy you want to drink and forget.

Truth has strange faces.
You see all of it each day.
Yet what you claim as truth your way,

Isn't the same for you everyday.

Sinful

​Though my heart has broken whenever I have loved,
For him to ask me to love only him
Is a sin, a crime, I cannot allow.

Though this is the way I have chosen to go,
If he asks me to leave with him alone,
I might still say no.

I have no answers to his questions,
I have no answers to your tears,
I have no answers for myself either

Other than that I fear,
I fear I love life and people too much
To have a single lover forever,

And this maybe my shortcoming, my sin,
That I cannot be anyone's but their kin.

On distance, memory and love

To a new friend, my moon.

How can anyone leave you behind?
Dark circles around your eyes,
Button nose and tiny face,
A temporary angel in our gaze -

How can anyone leave you behind?
Strong body, tall young woman,
Beautiful in that she doesn't realise,
Like a butterfly doesn't see its wings,
But she knows like a wasp, to sting -

No one is leaving you behind,
Except yourself when you run away,
Your mind doesn't play tricks on you yet,
Your body is virile, you care, you love;
But beloved, you forget to love yourself.

Addict

Je traverse toutes les limites,
Chaque mot résonne comme l'angélus,
Le temps devient mon ennemi,
Les cauchemars se multiplient -
Et je me trouve addict.

Je me trouve addict,
Je me trouve ivre,
Je me trouve sur les fumées,
Je me trouve dans le rouge -
Je me trouve sur toi.

Toi, tu es mort mille fois
Par ma main, ma plume,
Chaque mot je jette à ta tête
Tu les pousse, tu les confonds -
Tu me confonds.

Et moi, je dépasse encore toutes les limites,
Je n'ai pas encore de mots et de temps
Cette dernière fois où on doit se dire au revoir,
Non, adieu, mais je suis encore addict,
Ton addict.

Vide

​I want to write what I feel -

But my blood has dried

And this body remains dead,

Naked on the ground that gave it birth.

I want to write what I feel -

But the feather is gone, the pot has dried

And my fingers are stained red,

Yet the page remains deliciously empty.

To my Master

To my master.

And I wonder what is it in you that makes me wait
For years and years till time abates -
For all this time when you called me mine
And I've never been anyone other than thine -
For being mine, myself, I'm pushing you to the edge
And so forgive me master, I'm becoming your death -
And the Grim Reaper has no words to say
For he is my assistant now in every way -
For all the years that I lived for you,
I am now claiming for me, a few,
I am now claiming for me, my life true.

Lost and Found

​I'm no longer the person I used to be,
The story we dreaded came to be,
The person you were, I used to know,
Echos of sadness sound in these halls -

There is no more of reckless abandon,
The endless messages on phone,
The love letters on white lined papers
Kept safe, untouched since our loss,

I wish you'd recognise this person again,
Just as I hope to realise our love again,
This house feels so empty, we're two strangers now,
Marriage doesn't seem all so rosy now.

There's a child in the crib crying for love,
Our vacant eyes just stare at each other untouched,
I reach for the child, the cries fades away,
Maybe we gained more in our decision to stay this way?

The child in my arms reach for you as well,
It knows nothing of the cold war between two beds,
It was conceived by love and born to hate
Which indifference has replaced of late.

The child is with you now, she has your eyes,
My thick hair, fair skin and childish smile,
Easy laughter, she got from you
Are we going to break her too?

The greyness of my skin, the chalky touch of your hands,
Our last few days? We need to make plans,
Our pain seeping through the sheets,
We hold hands...

More promises made, a few tears shed,
We're no longer the teenagers who wrestled in bed,
Two adults, workers, spouses, parents
Labels on labels that don't make sense

We're no longer those whom we used to be,
We have to create a new story for three,
A better story, less of a war,
Where we're close and not this far...

There is a light now in your brown eyes,
The golden streaks now seem to shine,
Your touch is gentle, it doesn't hurt anymore,
Everything seems different from before.

Our child between us, safe and sound
Our love renewed, lost then found.

Finite

Where are you now?
It's like a starry night,
You fade away by the morning,
Why didn't you stay?
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
I see warzones and paint,
Our children walking to school,
Proud of a father they've never seen,
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Were you just another dream?
I'm trying so hard to be lucid,
To make memories come alive,
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
My light is fading, I can't wait,
My life is fading and I can't wait,
I can't wait anymore
Where are you now?

Where are you now?
Remember our last days, just you and me?
All those days under amber flame trees
Looking up at stars thinking we're free -
Wherever you are,
I'm following you now.

No, not

They tell you who you are to them.
They tell you who you should be.
They tell you who you are and have been.
They tell you who they are not.
It may seem crazy but you are not.
It may seem wonderful but he is not.
It may seem miraculous but she is not.
It may seem mad but I'm not.
I am not your savior.
I am not your father.
I am not your mother.
I am not your sibling or your lover.
The things you see are only as real as you are.
The things you wish are only as unreal as you think.
The ones you believe are only as believable you let them.
The ones you love are only as loved as you love them.
"No" is a big word.
"No" is a big work.
"No" is my trouble.
"No" is my savior.
"No" is when I stood up.
"No" is when I opposed.
"No" is when I tried, tried hard.
"No" is also when I walked away.

"No" is goodbye.

En secret

Tu dis que tu veux la temporalité
Mais tu désire la permanence
En secret, en secret, en secret.
Tu dis que personne ne reste
Mais tu désire qu'il reste
En secret, en secret, en secret.
Tu dis que tu ne m'aimes pas
Que tu t'en fou de moi
Mais je sais
Ce qui est caché dans ton cœur
En secret, en secret, en secret.
Je suis ton étranger et tu pour moi
Et moi j'ai dit n'importe quoi
Et toi, tu aussi et toi, je t'aime
Et je ne le voulais pas même comme toi
Mais en secret, en secret, en secret
L'amitié crée une famille
Et ça, tu ne peux jamais éviter
Parce que en secret, en secret, en secret
Même si l'on dit le contraire
C'est d'être aimé qu'on cherche.

2Anorex

Every night it is a new discovery
With hands running along the lines,
The edges and corners of a bed,
An empty bed waiting,
Where once you used to be -

The distance has a found a knife
Sharper than misunderstanding could be
And time was only too happy to oblige,
Heartbreaks are easier now
When it's easy to get lost in your own life -

Where you forget that those corners,
All those edges and lines were once
On someone else, on your body
And that you loved yourself with those
Sharp edges and if the edges grew sharper
Maybe it's not your fault.

Now you're reducing to skin and bones
Because momma called you fat
And just about two kilos over,
It's not the end of the world
Nor is it a beauty pageant of everyday -

It's better to have a bit of fat,
It isn't that wrong as they say, and
Love isn't wrong either when you're
Sleeping safely in the arms of your lover
And sleeping - you used to sleep!

Maybe it's a baby coming or
Maybe it's baby lipids, either way
It's a baby so love it or kill it,
It's upto you, but just don't,
Just don't beat yourself up for it.

I Scream

I tried to think of a good way to write an apology and all what happened is it set me thinking as to what I am apologising for.
A kaleidescope of colours is how I'd like to think but the truth looks more like an angry thunderstorm behind the shiny bits of glass,
If thunderstorms could be a dirty, dusty red.
But I bleed black and blue most of the time, the ink becoming blood dripping from my fingertips when I drag a pen across the flawless paper.
Sometimes, I think my best writings were in the torn up pieces of paper chucked into the waste bin a long time ago.
I'm still thinking about that apology to my lover that he got caught in my anxiety attack and got hurt.
He is already overwhelmed with his own issues and doesn't need a scruffy vagabond adding more to it,
Even if the scruffy vagabond is as nice as ice.
It gets hard having to keep giving all the time and not getting any in return and the emotional baggage just piles on and one fine day you end up dropping it.
It's okay, I've been dropped before and I've never fallen further than the concrete floor,
It's not like there's an endless abyss underneath it where I'll scream for someone to just please hold out a hand.
But I do scream still even though it's just a hard, bone snapping, concrete floor.
I still scream though you tell me there is nothing for me to shriek and wail as though death has become living.
I still scream when you aren't listening too.

This time, it was an accident that you heard me. I beg your forgiveness. I love you and I never meant to hurt you by dumping the same endless loop of hurt on you. I had stopped doing that in front of you.
Though I'm a bit unsure of how you love me these days, I'm still trusting you. Please stay for this scruffy vagabond. She promises to scream in silence. Please?

Where the blabber stops

My doctor tells me one day,
To describe my anxiety.
And I tell him that it's like
An elephant.
An elephant with beautiful, mesmerizing colours
That only I can see and somehow
This elephant is unseen and seen
But everyone else ignores the poor guy.

So my doctor replies,
Then it's a good thing, right?
Then I reply that,
Yeah, maybe it is and maybe it isn't
Cause beauty is really breathtaking at times
Like it literally takes my breath away
And I can't breathe and I gasp for air
And all of a sudden my elephant fills the whole room,
Is the whole room and it doesn't seem so beautiful anymore,
Unless of course you think imminent death by suffocation is pretty
Which it is really isn't because all I do is
Turn red and I'm brown so I'm not exactly sure what the effect is.

Then my doctor asks me,
What the elephant means to me, really?
So I say, really what it means to me is
That I am seeing an elephant in the room
Which is really beautiful and terrifying
So I must be bonkers or completely
Bamboozled by life itself
But it's not like I am messed up
Cause I'm only here since my family thought
That it is better that I talk to a paid friend
Rather than them so that they can confirm my insanity
And put me in a beautiful crystal bowl
Just to treat me like a goldfish.

That's when my wonderful doctor asked me,
Plain outright asked if I am angry.
Well, of course I am angry at being tied down,
Left behind, walking on glass shards
And egg shells and becoming a welcoming
Doormat to the various people in my life
Including him, the doctor but then
Even though I want to say that
I can't, because it's like saying that
I never forgave my parents for abandoning me
And that I never forgave a lot of people
For a lot of things
And that even though I moved on,
I really didn't because no one really does
It's all wounds that you decide to stop
Picking at
But I keep picking at it and now
It's an infected mess of pus and goop,
So I really cannot say all this -

And therefore I smile,
It doesn't even take much of an effort really,
I smile and tell him, I'm fine,
I'm a bit anxious and I worry a bit too much
And I like animal analogies,
But I'm fine and look doc,
Our one hour is up.
He seems relieved too because he agrees
And says goodbye, he'll see me again
Next week, same day, same time.

Oh, but
He won't.

The roads that call you

I was never just a face in the crowd,
You were never just one in a million,
Fate called and for years with mistakes,
A case, a child, but we weren't
A mistake.

This was never just another road,
That was not just any sea,
Fate called again, another year,
Broken hearted and hopeless when we were
Still hopeful.

Take me to the sea and drown me,
Take me up the mountain and break me,
I know we won't die, not when we're still alive,
WE are alive and live on in memories;

Don't die on me,
Don't make me follow -
We are our heroes.

Don't let me down,
Don't leave me behind -
We were once and are still.

Wanderlust

Being touched by wanderlust while living in a house of gold,
Don't know if it is a curse or no,
Somehow the energy seems to be rising,
This ice cold storm inside becomes a burning,
And all the scenes become slow motion,
The good life on the road seems to have more action,
And somehow changing houses feel better,
Never stuck, never stationery, never stopping,
The world around keeps changing
And yet you,
You are still the same.

Running away seemed attractive
But coming home also feels fair,
It's not that you don't love them,
It's just that the nomad in you is *there*.
The slow motion scenes are captured
In that infinite camera of the eye
And the optical illusion never fades,
Somehow this getting lost doesn't seem so
Insane.

Wanderlust, no, you should say wanderlove,
This endless thirst for knowledge,
This endless hunger for change,
This endless desire for adventure,
That eternal thrust towards infinity,
Finding that one place,
Making that one memory,
Going on and on and on
Visions spinning faster than light or sound.

When home is everywhere,
It's never too near or far and
The prismic drop running off the window
While your plane takes off makes you
Giggle and smile and wonder more
At the home in the next seat,
You realise home really does have a heartbeat
And you're always home no matter where you
Go.

Bleeding

Bleeding.

Bleeding green,
The colour when you see that
He has what you always wanted,
Bleeding yellow,
When the happiness belongs to that one
Whom you love, but not you,
Bleeding black,
When hatred towards him is
Ruining your soul,
Bleeding white,
When peace is all you want and
You would throw everything away for it,
Bleeding red,
When she's not around and
You miss her smile the most,

Finally bleeding blue,
Because your favorite team is playing and
India has won! :P

Note: this writer enjoys a good game on the big screen :D

Fear Street ?

It's like a nightmare waiting to be retold millions of times. The same figure, the same vague shape in the distance which sends chills down her spine. She vaguely recalls holding that slim waist. Then shudders.

Shudders at having been made to believe that she is the equivalent of a servant or worse, that of a common prostitute. But the two had dignity that she didn't find in two years. The two would have some shred of self respect left where she had none.

She calls up the face of the one she loves now to chase away the figure of her demon. But it's still there, lingering somewhere to haunt her, to pull her back from even walking alone in a peopled road in broad daylight.

Does a woman ever get over that fear once instilled in her? The brute domination of sheer physical force of someone bigger over someone smaller?

Maybe she has begun to believe in love again, maybe she has begun to trust again, maybe she is regaining what she ended up losing.

Even then. Though she can voice it out, act out, do so many things... though she is aware of all this... when does she actually recover from the panic and fear of having been rendered helpless and subjugated and manipulated? When?

Hopefully, when truth and love shows her that all men are not the same and that people do change for the better... and when she lives in a society where this manipulation, subjugation and domination are not embedded in its members as a part of daily life. That sort of life isn't okay for anyone.

Here's to hoping for a happy life. Salud!

Expectations

It's like they still haven't learnt it.
After all these years of evolution
And of walking erect on two feet,
It is still a bit hard -
To square out the shoulders,
To puff out the chest,
To walk with the complete, stereotypical vision of
A strong, confident man.

Maybe it isn't always needed?
Or maybe that's what they want to hear.
That they're allowed to hunch
Those powerful shoulders and
Curl up into a ball and maybe just,
And maybe just once,
At least for a little while,
Around someone else, a loved one.

To have let go of that stiff posture
Does not mean that he can not
Take care of another or himself,
It just means he is tired, maybe,
Or maybe a bit sad, slightly depressed,
Everything doesn't always go the way
We want it to go.
It never does.

It's just like everyone else and
No one can remain strong at
Every single moment and you can't
Simply expect that, because he is a man,
He doesn't have feelings or that
He doesn't want to show what he feels -
Why would anyone think he doesn't?
He is human too. Just like you.

A need to stay

so I want to float dead, weightless infinite on a wasted green of a sea whose coast I've barely touched

and I want to look at an endless blue sky without a single silver lining or even a puff of white hope while black feathers and scrawny bodies hover around me hoping for a meal while a rough yellow mist comes flying from a distance

and I want to sit on a seat to nowhere with a new name, a new face with no plans and the liberty to be happy with an i-don't-know

and I want to sink into an eternal sleep to elsewhere where I'm a princess cutting up frozen enemies and then boiling their pieces in a kitchen fit for a pauper

and I want to be understood and not felt because I don't feel and I only think and this seems wrong but when right and wrong are so subjective I think feeling is a crime for which we pay a million times

and every time I feel to run and surround myself in a dream so I want to float dead, weightless infinite on a wasted green of a sea whose coast I've barely touched

and I want to look at an endless blue sky without a single silver lining or even a puff of white hope while black feathers and scrawny bodies hover around me hoping for a meal while a rough yellow mist comes flying from a distance

and I want to sit on a seat to nowhere with a new name, a new face with no plans and the liberty to be happy with an i-don't-know

and I want to sink into an eternal sleep to elsewhere where I'm a princess cutting up frozen enemies and then boiling their pieces in a kitchen fit for a pauper

and I want to be understood and not felt because I don't feel and I only think and this seems wrong but when right and wrong are so subjective I think feeling is a crime for which we pay a million times

and every time I feel like running and surrounding myself in a dream with no expectations, explanations or expenses of any kind where I am me in all my literal and metaphoric sense in all unfeeling warm understanding

remembering you makes me stay back in blessed pain -

blessed only because I see you twice a day

and my dreams seem like unnecessary spaces where my loneliness crowds in disguised as solitude

when all I want is to die to end an existence of hunger and what-ifs

yet I keep choosing to live and not merely exist

because the sight of you

twice a day

makes me think of butterflies, rainbows and afternoon rainstorms and of growing a tap root instead of runners

and not of -

infinite existence and survival for the sake of it -

clear blue skies of hungry dark spirits waiting to be fed -

a seat to nowhere and being without any strings attached -

or an eternal sleep with the magic in me pulsing through my hand as red and grey

you make me think of staying

Untitled #1 (living with depression)

They always asked her what was wrong. She always answered that she didn't know. There was always a vague feeling of sadness, a kind of bleakness that weighed on her every time she tried to breathe. Sometimes it was suddenly in between a laugh that she remembered.

She couldn't tell them about the boy she met either. The boy inside the man. When everyone else had told her that she was unreasonable and impossible and playing with her life... He hadn't said anything. They were right of course. She was playing. But when she wasn't dreaming...

He hadn't stopped her from dreaming either. Every new face that she threw at him, he met with a smile. He wanted to know about her day. He wanted to share her bed, share warmth in those cold nights without any other expectations. He didn't ask her anything she didn't want to say.

Somehow his boyish optimism and faith in her had healed the empty spaces inside her. Her dreams were still vague. Not like how it used to be before that day she took on the blame. All the responsibility. The day she cut her own wings and weeped.

The scars ran deeper than she showed. Smiling and laughing had become so easy with him. It was the first time after a long series of firsts. The series of heartbreaking and wallowing in her own heart breaking at the sound of the other hearts...or maybe minds. She didn't know anymore.

She was well and truly blank. She missed the quiet giggles...the wracking laughters which ripped up her chest with pain and panicked breathlessness...the soft sighs of smiles...the sudden grins that only he knew to bring out.

He was really and truly home.

Now she didn't even have a piece of him left. She had burnt everything... their house, their land, their life...to the ground. Then she had run. She didn't even know where he was or where she was. She didn't even know if he'd look for her or even if he'd want to look for her. She didn't even know if she wanted to be found.

It was that bleakness again. She could work with it but the moment the dreams stopped, the moment the control was lost... Fire was always something that she had hated. Considered it an enemy and it still had been even when she thought it was a friend. A wrong matchstick, a wrong moment of numbing silence in her mind and she'd set it all aflame.

The last of her sobs faded into the afternoon sunlight as she whispered, I don't know what I'm running from or where I'm running to... I don't know the way. I'm lost.

I'm still here, the words made her catch her breath. She didn't dare to speak.

It's you and me for all time and nothing's going to break us... Remember?, the line from the song wanted to make her weep again. She didn't dare hope. She turned slowly, scared to hope. It couldn't be.

He was standing there and he was glowing,
It's you and me for all time, he was smiling, And nothing's gonna break us... When nothing seems to stay together, I still know that we're forever..., the vision disappeared. She was just hallucinating.

The numbness started weighing down again and she couldn't do anything. Thirsty. She could only process that she was thirsty and water was in the well ahead of her. She got up, moved mechanically and drew water out. She drank and then stared down the depth of the well. It looked just like her mind right now. Stones, smooth stones and dark, sweet water deep down below.

DON'T!!!, she didn't turn. It was just a hallucination again. He wouldn't come. Not after this. But calloused hands caught her shoulders firmly and pulled her away from the well wall. Those same hands turned her.

A fresh set of tears ran down her face as she took in the visage in front of her. It couldn't be but it was. He held her close, Don't even think about running off again without telling me.

The tears ran down profusely, she sobbed, grasping for breath, I thought you were g-g-gone...th-that you wouldn't c-c-come

But I always come for you...and I always will. I'll find you, don't worry. You're safe.

Maybe those were the words she'd wanted to here the most, that she was safe. Selfish, selfish need maybe but she just wanted to be held and told that she was safe.

She had known only one home anyway, even after all this time. And that was with him.

Give me a million words

Give me a million words
and you'll still find me lost
and clueless
and helpless when I
look upon your face in the morning sunlight at 6am
and realise that I am in love
yet again for the umpteenth time
and that I can't fathom
how much I feel for you
and sometimes I think I shouldn't try to measure it
at all
and I should just feel

Feel your arm curling around me and pulling me
close like I am the answer to
all your questions and the only reason
you find worth keeping
next to you
day
after day
after day
without a change
and I do believe that
it was with Beau Taplin
and his lines that I got to thinking
how fleeting feelings are and yet
we keep thinking of finding ways
to immortalise it
and capture those feelings
but then again I do believe
(again)
that I was only supposed to feel

Feel your steady breathing against my neck and
get comforted back into the lull of easy dreaming
with an arm thrown around you
like I'm afraid each moment that you
might change your mind
seeing all my bruises
black red and blue and decide
that I am a chameleon and
not really all that beautiful as
you think I am and then you might just
really change your mind
but I think I should be calming down and
just feeling what I

Feel when I see your eyes
molten gold in the morning sunlight
streaming into the room with dust motes
dancing hallelujah that I found
that one man who might just stay
and grow along
right next to me
and tell me everyday that
he loves me
even with my moods
and ends
and bits
and pieces
and weird laughs
and looks
and bookworming
nature and I can only

Feel
and feel some more because
I don't have words to capture those and
make a definition of how this is exactly supposed to be
when each day becomes my new favourite day
with you

My god and I am your worship.

"I"

I am not ready.
I'm not ready for your questions -
I don't have answers to those,
I already know it but
I truly do not know.

I am not ready.
I am no longer as strong as
I used to be,
I am no longer that person that
I used to be.

I am not ready.
I am not ready for a yes,
I am not ready for a no,
I am revolving in maybe-s,
I do not, honestly, have a clue.

I am not ready.
I am not going to tell you that
I was a Venusian princess or that
I was adopted or that
I was someone.

I am not ready, not yet.
I am not someone,
I could be anyone,
I could your angel or
I could be your nightmare.

I could be your promise or
I could be your regret,
I could be a mother, a daughter or
I could be another face to forget.
I could be anything.

I am not, but, ready, as of yet.

Notebook scribbles #235

somewhere I'm trying to find the pieces
which made me me
and now I'm wandering and waiting
oh so aimlessly
in gardens overgrown with seaweed
and fish but what attracts me the most
are the sharks and the devilfish
which promise me a quick end
from this briny thick mess
where I can neither swim nor drown
nor reach out nor call
and they promise me a quick goodbye,
a lingering demise, a painful surprise
that won't be quite unwelcome in this fog
where I do not wish to exist at all -

if were not but for you.

Snehathode snehekku

You're like a kaleidoscope.
A beautiful multitude of colours,
Many glass pieces joined together
In beautiful symmetry
And you knew each bit -
But I don't think you were so happy.

So happy, as you can be now.
I know you miss yourself,
I know you miss the optimistic
Idiotic, sensitive, naive little child
That annoyed the socks off me
No matter how much I adore you.

You're still a kaleidoscope.
A beautiful kaleidoscope with
Newer pieces and older pieces slightly cracked,
A newer version with a modern(?)
Outlook and out-look...
Not broken really but remade maybe,

Evolved like Martians took you
To Mars and experimented on you
Instead of Venusians taking you
And the wrong spaceship
Went the right way.

Seemingly when you're on the phone
Right now and I'm wondering
Why you can't realise that words
Are pointless here and
I need you as much as
You need me and
I love you. Period.

Kaleidoscope or no kaleidoscope.

Where are you?

Where are you? When I'm calling to home and when I'm alone on the floor.

Where are you? When the fog isn't clearing and the river is nearby, and I don't know how to swim.

Where are you? When the sun is setting and I'm looking around for the hand I used to hold.

Where are you? When the magic of rain doesn't hold any magic for me anymore...

Where are you?
Behind me and around me,
encompassing me in fluid desire to name
this person as a home where I can stay
without fear, without restraint,
where I may sleep held safely
in a boat of your arms and body
and beautiful golden brown eyes
shining, lighting the path ahead
not alone.

Love and wishes

If love was what we had then why did you have to walk away? Why did we end up calling each other names in our minds and then weep with our hearts on seeing the other's face?

If love was what we have then why do you seem so far away? Even when we sit next to each other, the distance between us just seems to grow bigger...

If love was what it was then why did we let it drown in our blood? It was born from love and it died in miserable apathy and indifference.

And that... that was the worst.

Style ..

She used to be quite good with words,
Not a single feeling escaped her pen
And if you cut her, she would bleed -
Black with despair, sadness,
Haunted with memories of Others,
She would bleed black and then
Weave a web of her own making in
Infinite words and phrases that
Don't have an end and run-away
Sentences.

Run away. She always just ran away,
From notions of love and passion
That wasn't dark enough,
That wasn't deep enough
Like a night sky full of storms -
Till you came along and
Seeing your red tshirt and blue jeans
She rephrased her sentences and it all
Became. Very. Short.

From then it was just -
Smile, the curve on his face.
Grin, his lighting up the night.
Red, his tshirt, shirt, blood and heart.
Blue, his jeans, his watch, his flip-flops.
Love, when he turns to her in RBGs.
She didn't need much and her flavours
Changed so much, her dark friend faded
And everything was light.

Then she found beer.
Beer which made him feel different.
Beer which was brown but made
Him, the dark friend, appear.
Beer which made him in RBGs seem
A bit faded and then delusionary
And then colourful and then a bright
Yellow spot in a night sky
Which swallowed her up and made
Run-away sentences again leading
Her nowhere except back into His arms,
Whose?

Then she found love again.
She found love again with RBGs,
And a black belt, silvery buckle,
New shoes, new look, he was going out.
She felt red was wonderful and then
She tried to describe it.
She fell wordlessly asleep with His name
On her lips and him forgotten.

She wasn't so good with words since then
But,
She started living in a different way.
Instead of in stories and words and phrases,
She started living the days, each one
Finding more treasures and worlds
Than her words took her to and all
In RBGs and not
Black and white. Not again.

Sunshine threads

To my.

It's at times like these that I realise
How much you are to me -
That time when I broke my arm,
And I couldn't write,
I felt I was bleeding ink on bedsheets
Instead of on crisp white paper.

You called me
And you made me laugh,
You made me forget,
You helped me refigure the words,
Repeat them over and over again
Till I knew I wouldn't forget it
And neither would you

And that paper could wait
Because you had me and I had you
To take care of.
*

It's at times like these that I realise
You're much more than a colour -
I would have called you red
For your passion, your life,
I would have called you blue
For the ink you spill on papers
Just like I and
I might have called you yellow
Because you are like sunshine
And white for your Colgate smile.

Did you change to Pepsodent yet?

Then when we both flunk physics
And we tell each other that we've been
Screwed,
And we end up laughing even though
It's either a pass for 12th grade
Or welcome back school life
After the farewell where you turned up
In a wine red sari and I was deep green.
But we both had sunshine threads to join us.

Even in different universities,
In two corners on a map,
Our little corner was always with
That little hut we went to for PE
And you sang, you performed
And I was shocked,
Later turning into your biggest fan
When you light up the stage -
Sunshine threads every time.
*

It's at times like these when I realise
You're my family as much as my -
Best friend, soulmate,
Sister from another mother.

I was going to be a mother and you,
You were to be the godmother,
The aunt who will spoil the kid to high heavens
And it just ended with an anticlimax,
All our plans of Malayalam, English,
History, French, Philosophy,
Any social science, subject which we
Intended to teach him/her along with
Kindness and responsibilities and honesty,
A lot of kindness for this world
That forgets that we are all human,
Honesty in a world which has taught itself
To steal lives, wives, knives, anything,
Responsibilities in world which thinks only
Of its rights without doing its duties...

We lost our much awaited child,
Our baby, my lover and I.
We lost our hopes and dreams,
In one blink of an eye,
In one red torrent and I could detest
That colour red.
But not yours -
Not yours when you came down into that darkness
With a light we couldn't really see,
We were blinded by tears,
Jobs and miserable other lives could just wait.
We needed you and you came.

You came in red for passion.
Red for life.
You showed us what everyone else
Only told us,
That red can be another chance,
Your wine red sari with sunshine threads,
Picking up pieces and
I still remember
Though it was ten years ago and
You told me that I look pretty too
And that we have a whole life in front of us
And papers waiting for my blood,
Red blood, red ink,
This poem stained in red -
Happy and sad,
Destructive and constructive.

Ah. Tell me if I am ever,
A stable grey kaleidescope,
Or a wandering kitten
Or a shade of happy life to you.

Anxiety and me on friendship

How to ruin a friendship -

Anxiety: This is utter bullshit my dear. You shouldn't even look at her or talk to her anymore. Even God wouldn't know how many buckets of lies she has dumped on you.

Me: But she helped me a lot. Maybe she is actually having a tough time.

Anxiety: Yes and that is why you see her selfishness plain on her face every day. She doesn't approach you unless she needs something or to show that she is around even though she has so many businesses to take care of.

Me: When was she selfish?

Anxiety: You are sick since over a month. You're not getting any better. You're not going to. That day she got admitted for nothing except a glucose drip and mental instability. Mainly mental instability. You were vomiting the whole time when you weren't with her. You didn't sleep. The amount of bullshit you deflect from other people bitching about her is amazing as well. She's a selfish lunatic.

Me: No she's not. She's having problems with some people.

Anxiety: What she needs is to get married and have a few kids. She'll be fine then. She needs a husband and sex.

Me: That's mean and that's not true.

Anxiety: This is the age to have a boyfriend and have fun. Not mope around.

Me: It's her life and her choice. Shut up.

Anxiety: When did she ever understand what you were going through except that one time at the previous flat? That girl was a bug to everyone. Even then.

Me: Just shut up. I'm not listening to you.

Anxiety: Just pointing out facts here.

Me: Shut up. *sleeps with mind full of doubts : doesn't she like me anymore? Was she using me like the others? It can't be true, I trusted her. She won't break it... Will she?*

And we just met at the wrong time...

...And we just met at the wrong time.

It was winter and 4°.
Not 3°, not the time to say
I love you,
Not the time to sit around
On benches throwing leaves
At each other for fun
And getting drunk on
A little bit of sun.

And we just met at the wrong time.

It was new year's eve.
Not Valentine's, not the time to say
I love you,
Not the time to sit around
On big rocks on top of
Big rocks and gazing at stars
And rescuing idiots who
Fall down slippery stairs.

And we just met at the wrong time.

It was time for a rebound.
Not a serious relationship, not the time to say
I love you,
Not the time to wander around
Half drunk and pushing the other
Wondering if a wrong word will
Destroy hearts or fix it
Maybe, just maybe.

We might have met at the wrong time.

But you were ready and so was I.
Maybe right now the distance hurts
More than we let it show,
Maybe nights on a strange bed with dreams
Can't alleviate this sorrow,
Maybe saying sweet nothings mean more
Than just empty tea cups in the sink
Smelling of rum and whiskey.

We met at a wrong right time.

Because we really needed each other,
But maybe not just right now.
This distance we are put in now,
The decisions which await,
It's all so confusing,
But we're ready and it's now

That we can say those words,
At any temperature,
At any place,
On any day,
At any time,
I love you,
Because when love's real...
It finds a way back to itself.

Wrong time or not.

Memories

In hidden corners of green and grey,
(The places we hide in to go away)
With a few letters on paper and play,
(Love letters after class, fighting for don't-know-what)
Some quite moments of staring on blue,
(Water in the Well isn't really so blue)
Brown and gold back to brown and black,
(When you look at me just so, I melt into you)
Some stories are just for...
(Late nights with coffee, tea and a kitchen top)
The one who knows
(I love you).

Who decides

She doesn't deserve him,
She doesn't have anything
Which could keep him,
But he stays, is staying.

He doesn't need her,
He doesn't have anything
That she could need either,
But she stays, is staying.

Maybe they don't deserve each other,
Maybe they don't need each other,
But maybe they want each other,
And maybe keep choosing each other,

Even when the world and time
Says otherwise.
Maybe that's why they call it
Love.

Confident lies

It's all about confidence -
Even if your look doesn't match it,
Even if your body can't handle it,
It's all about confidence.

It's just an act dear -
You put a smile on your face,
(Just so)
You walk with purposeful steps,
(Imagine a pseudo ramp)
You talk with a serious note,
(Let's try middle C)
Your eyes will not be the mirror
Of your craven, pathetic little soul
(Hard as a piece of carbon under pressure),
It's all just an act my dear.

It's all about confidence -
How much do you believe your own lie?
It's all about confidence -
How much of the lie is the truth?
It's all about confidence -
How much will you strut without a stutter?
It's all about confidence -
Even if your look doesn't match it,
Even if your body can't handle it,
It's all about confidence.

Your world might be in pieces,
You might be in a dark abyss,
The trick is not to let them know
For them to think you're the predator.

Not the prey, not the foe.
Not a victim, no, not at all.

It's all about confidence.

Heartbreak

And thus when a heart breaks and shatters on the floor, the silence of misunderstanding is what echoes. No one sees those clouds which rain only in the ocean...until an unfortunate sailor is caught on the wrong tide. His heart might break hearing the roar of the winds and knowing he'll die without a last kiss to his wife. It might shatter into a million shards and scatter across the seas. But its silence is the only thing that echoes.

Mea culpa

Mea culpa, mea maximus culpa.
My fault, my most grievous fault.

I swore not to hurt a soul.
A long, long time ago.
I swore to be clear, to explain.
A long, long time ago.

I made a lot of oaths,
Look where I am now - oath breaker.
I wanted to rise, to fly,
Now I'm like a dark cloud.

Et je pleut, je pleut, je pleut.
And I rain, I rain, I rain.

I can beg, plead for forgiveness
But hell doesn't care for it.
I can work and ruin myself till
Blood runs down my toes and nails

But hell doesn't care for it,
No one else does either.
I was in Paradise and wondering
Which was the Apple I shouldn't bite.

Mea culpa, I should not have eaten at all.

I was in Paradise and wondering
Who was the one I shouldn't listen to.

Mea culpa, I should not have listened at all.

I was in Paradise and wondering
What if I got thrown away for loving?

Mea culpa, I should not have thought at all.

I swore a long, long time ago
To not hurt a soul,
To give the love and attention
To everyone that I never found at all.

I swore a long, long time ago
To be clear and to explain,
Because my life is shared
And without them, there's no life at all.

I became an oath breaker
After I made a lot of oaths.
All these oaths were broken to myself
Even though it was not for me at all.

I became a dark cloud
When I wanted to rise and to fly,
I couldn't let go of my anger or sadness,
It weighed down on me like acid rain.

Et je pleut, all the anger away.
Je pleut, all the tears away.
Je pleut, all the sorrows of those loved.
Et je pleut, for you, for me, for everyone.

But I'm still raining for you, your tears.
Mea culpa, mea maximus culpa,
I can't stop your tears.

A love letter

Dear you,
There many ways to go about my day,
Yet each time I think of it,

Your face remains
In my head like a background dream,
A foreground cinema,
An old, gnarled tree,
A symphony of a full orchestra,
The ever changing sea.

Yet somehow I wonder isn't alone safer?
Alone means the wings will be stronger,
The currents will be faster,
The tides more dangerous,
The rain more stormy and the night
More darker.

Then again, there are many ways
To go about my day
And even though my work might not
Entirely get complete,
I will always prefer you,
You to my solitude.

Love,
Me.

Stuck

There are moments when -
You look at me and don't look away,
I blush and blush and blush.
You smile at me with that look in your eyes,
I can't stop smiling, grinning, laughing.
You touch my hand and rub it so gently,
My hand feels like it's on fire, red hot, scorched.
You talk to me about your day like I matter,
And I can't look away, anywhere, but at you.

There are moments when -
I crack a dumb joke and you laugh,
You laugh like you share the madness since long.
I dance a few steps in the middle of the road,
You just dance along to the same song.
I run to the nearest ice cream just to end with a broken cornetto,
You share your butterscotch chocolate delight with me.
I eat all your ice cream without a single guilty thought,
All the while you complain but, and you just let me.

There are moments when -
A bike ride on an empty road seems endless
And yet so short, oh so short.
A walk in the park on a winter night seems so cold
And yet so warm, so hot.
A shared quarter of rum between two seems too less
And yet more than enough, too much.
A wish of goodnight seems filled with promises
And when will they come, oh when will you come?

All these moments when you tempt me,
All these moments I think we could be,
Somewhere I feel this is a game,
Somewhere I don't think this can be tamed -

#Just taking a walk down our memory lane

Late apologies

I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

What does it mean to love anyway?
Do you know it any better than I do?
Maybe you do because you stayed,
You stayed when I fought demons
That only I could see.
But when you left and that's when
I needed you the most, how can you say
That you know to love better than me?

Now I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

I'm looking back at that girl I kissed
In 9th grade and I'm wondering now,
Did I leave her as harshly as you left me?
An abrupt drop to the ground
Would have been less painful maybe,
Just maybe, but that girl cried tears
And I still remember standing,
Hands in pockets, looking another way.

I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

I'm thinking now about the girl, the girl.
The one I fell madly in love with,
The one I shared my entire life with,
The one who stayed when everyone walked away,
And the one who left when all was OK.
You were that one and I know you'll say
That I didn't love you right and I agree,
Maybe I didn't but who knows to love anyway?

Now I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

I accept with all grace my dear.
You were wonderful and then you turned
Like it was the full moon after years
And you were a werewolf and couldn't really hold back
All that anger that you unleashed at me.
You dropped everything and said no more,
And I never really understood why, just like
The furious blue grass was sleeping.

I have made my apologies.
You still chose to walk away.
Maybe the mistake was mine
But whatever happened to second chances?
Where is the love when you can just
Forget and move on?
I apologised, I apologise.
But it's all too late now.
You're gone.

So now, I'm saying sorry for the last time -
I know I'm the one who walked away, sorry.
I'm the one who didn't love right, sorry.
Now I'm done saying sorry.

Sleeping grounds

A heart freely given,
A heart ignored,
You seem to be wondering
If I know more than you know.
What I gave is yours to keep,
What I didn't isn't for anyone but me;
Call me selfish, a sadistic fool,
But I'm in love (With whom? With what?)
And there's nothing you can do.

These words flowing freely,
These words that I can't stop,
My words to which your heart listens,
Your words at which my heart stops.
I need a bit of mercy,
I need a bit of love,
I need to know that I have some worth
Outside
This foolish castle on clouds.

My heart is stopping in anger,
It is stopping seeing your desire,
Till now I just promised a heart,
If you desire something more,
Something or...*aur*...

My heart was freely given,
In the guise of friendship if I may,
But love is everywhere, don't you see?
My heart doesn't mean that it's your bed
Where I'll choose to stay.

A note to you

It's hard to love you from any one side especially when I keep falling in love with all the angles, all the sides.

It's like being in love with a painting. Understood yet misunderstood. Beautiful yet scary in the same beauty which presents so much raw emotion.

I fail to understand you correctly, exactly in the way you wish to be understood. I fail to become you while embracing you. I fail to take in you as you and instead take you in through me.

Sometimes, I wish I could erase myself perfectly into you. Like sometimes you erase yourself into me and yet don't.

I'm writing letters to you almost everyday.
I'm watching myself unwittingly and unwillingly hurt you through what I think are harmless.

I'm watching you smoke one after the other and wonder if I should tell you to go and rest, to take a break from this headache, to get some proper rest.

No one can love such that there will be no misunderstandings and no lovers' quarrels. Our love lies in the solutions and the compromises. People might say you shouldn't compromise in love but shouldn't you sacrifice a bit for the one you love?

The December of Lies

In December:
Where does your line begin and where does mine end?
Where do we stop merging and individually begin?
When did this start, the melange of the two?
Why did this start, One loving and being Two?

Where does your story begin and where is mine?
I thought we had the same love story, you and I,
I was broken beyond repair, you cured me like it was nothing,
You didn't need me at all, yet you need me without knowing how.

And then:
Why this imposition of love suddenly when it was all a free flow?
Why are we suddenly different and you're One, I'm Two?
Where did the wall come from, where did the melange stop?
Why this test of domination between equals, Two is lost and now less?

We used to shuttle back and forth, you and I.
We used to count all the stars in the sky.
Now we're counting the tears shed from our eyes,
Now we're counting the days back to the December of lies.

Not empty words

I would throw it all away,
Throw it all away for you.
No, these are not empty words.

I would throw it all away -
The house, the money,
The fast cars and luxury,
Maybe even electricity,
Maybe even...

I wish I could rewrite it all,
Rewrite it all for you.
No, these are not empty words.

I would rewrite it all -
Be born elsewhere, less rich.
Be someone else, more normal.
Be the same yet different,
Change it all for you.
Change into what you thought I was
Than remain what you discovered,
Unwillingly, I was. Unwillingly.

I would throw it all away,
Throw it all away for you.
No, these are,.

I would throw it all away -
My past, my curse, my pride,
Whatever I needed to hide...
But what if those were
The very things which helped me
Create the image that you fell for,
That you fell in love with?

No, these are not empty words.
I have so many words and
They all mean so much to me.
Especially these three :
You, us, trust.

No, these are not empty words.
A silenced one's words are loaded,
And when the darkness hears it,
She regrets the sense behind each
The sense behind each of those words.

No, these are not empty words,
At least not for me.

Waiting...

I'm waiting
For the moment that you walk out
For the moment you'll turn your back
And I'll fall.

I'm waiting
To see till where this will go
To see how far you want us going
Before the crash.

I'm waiting
Till the time I'll be left with photos
Till the time I'll be left with memories
Of touches that promised the world,
Of kisses that promised eternity.

But you would have never realised
That forever goes by in days
And then the minutes just stop ticking
And you find yourself alone in bed and wondering
Since when you're waiting.

So then.

Call it a wonderful disaster.
A miraculous disease.
The smallest addiction.
The most relentless fatigue.
A furious calmness.
A depressing happiness.
Call it anything you want,
Baby, you know what you want.

You know that in the depth
Of this ditch where we build
Our castles of puffy clouds,
You know that in the height
Of this hill where we swim
In our sea and we prowl,
You know it everywhere
Even in this room,
Baby, you know what you want.

And you know I want it too.
You know to create this disaster,
You know to worsen this disease,
You know to feed the addiction,
You know to heighten the fatigue.
And I know to infuriate that calmness,
And I know to depress, repress the high,
I know to be the bottle to my alcoholic,
The one that you can't put down.

I know what you want baby,
And I know that you know it too.

A Bat Story

As a bat, my children, my life was very peaceful till one day... I got lost. This was the most dangerous expedition I had ever been on. As you know, your father and I are the explorers and we check out new territories and mark it. This was one of those days...

And your father, that meep, left me alone there disoriented.

So here's what happened.

We went in through an open port. It was unknown territory. We knew immediately that there was no food to be got here and that it is a useless place to nest. There were unidentified whirring objects in the sky. Speaking of the sky, it was very hard like a cave. But there were no places to roost or hang on to. It was like the morning went solid.

Out of nowhere, suddenly a new thing appeared in my range. It was very big and was on the ground. It came with light. The light disoriented us. He managed to find the way out but I couldn't. Then I was attacked.

This new spectre tried to hurt me in all ways possible. It threw liquid at me and made my wings so heavy, but I knew I had to fly and stay above him. It brought with it light, our biggest danger, but nevertheless I still flew against all odds. Suddenly it disappeared from my range.

Unfortunately I had forgotten about the UWO. It hit me. I crashed. I couldn't fly anymore. I thought that this creature spectre was going to eat me. I pretended to be dead so that I might be left alone.
And children, that was the best plan I made in my whole life till now... Other than having all of you, of course.

This creature called its kin and both of them tried to ... I can't even describe it. I was bathandled children and not even kindly. From the way they did what they did, I knew they were males.
And I used to think your father is a klutz.

Anyhow, they took me to the sky. I don't know what they intended to do. But I broke free the moment I sensed the change of air current.

Children, sometimes you should just fly for it and not wait. This was one of those moments. Against all odds, I bit the spectre and flew away. I escaped and found your father and we were so exhilarated that we had all 25 of you.

And that my dears, is how you were born.

Objectified

You described me as
A map of India
Complete with
The Himalayas,
The Deccan plateau,
And a Kanyakumari
Touching a vast sea.
I had dark jewels
And vast wilderness which
Was always to remain tied away.

Then that fateful ship came
And crashed at the port,
At this Kanyakumari
Like colonisers.
And like them, you also
Found Kochi first.
Cochin to you.
You made me
A piece of land
To be worked upon,
A piece of crystal
To be admired from far,
A bit of flesh
To be taken raw.

Mr. Poet, sir, I was Not
Any of these.
I am not a country,
Nor a piece of earth,
I am not dead flesh
Nor a piece of fish,
I am not a thing
To be used again
And again
And again
And again...
Till my expiry date is due.

I was not any of these.
But I became when I was
With you.

And a hopelessly lost piece
Of living flesh and bones
Now seek to surrender,
To be colonised under
Another rule just to feel
Used
Again
And again
And again.

Because now I know not
How to live as me rather than
Your object.

A reply to your question

You asked why I said yes to you.
Why when I don't know.
I don't know how the sky turns grey
From bright blue at the arrival
Of a winter storm, but its beauty
Takes my breath away.
I don't know how the waves come
Again and again and again till
The shore is all worn out but
Is still there, just under the water.
Why when I don't know how
You can see me and smile apne aap,
And call me beautiful and turn me
Into melted bones and warm sharir,
And how all my flaws are not flaws
In your eyes where they are just accepted
As another part of me deserving love.
Why when I see you everyday and find
Humour, courage, sympathy and kindness
And so much love for humanity reflected
At almost every soul you come across,
And how you find happiness in even the
Smallest of things that many have forgotten
To do, and how you tell me pyaar karta hu.

I said yes before I discovered all these because
I suppose my heart knew before
My mind found out that I love you
Like you love, long before we knew.

Found

You call me crazy
And I do think I am,
Past tells me stay hazy
Not defined in your arms,
Mind calls me stupid
For being as I am,
Then you call me love
And heart says I can

Cross the plains,
The mountains and seas,
All the way to
Wherever you will be,
I might get lost
But I'll always find my way,
'Cause home is a person now
And not a place.

Pensée introvertie

This happiness could just be
A brightly coloured bubble
Or a green-gray grenade waiting
To explode in our faces.

This lull right now
Could be the calm before a storm
And the winds are already picking up
And the waves are already crashing down.

You tell me not to worry about
Yesterday or tomorrow but
What is there in today other than
A lot of past,
A lot of future,
A second of present.

You kiss me and it is already past.
You kiss me and we're already in the future.
You kiss me so is it only now?

Endless caution and anxiety
Feeds into each other and makes me
Want to find my loneliness again.
Not my solitude.
Not my escape.
But my loneliness, again.

Holding

Hold me.
Just hold me and let me be.

Let me be the the little girl I forgot
Way back when the 2nd millennium began.

Let me be the awkward teenager
Whose curiosity was worse than a cat.

Let me be the young woman who values work
As though it is her way to salvation.

Let me be your princess and your queen
And everything else you need, in love.

But hold me.
And I will hold you.

Let you be the little boy in grubby shorts
Out in the sun instead of in class.

Let you be the awkward teenager who couldn't
Care less about the world than it did for him.

Let you be the young man wandering and wondering
In search of what he is to be and become.

Let you be my prince and my king when it is time
Because there are no questions, not in love.

And I'll hold you
So tell me this if

We let ourselves be anyone we want then
Could we still be lovers to each other
while being strangers to ourselves?

----
My eyes stray nowhere else.
The lion's golden brown eyes devoured the soul of a patient bull.
----

Letters

I was a letter beautifully written,
You were my envelope with the address.

It was a home delivery with red flowers,
Delivered by hand and received with thanks.

The reply was sent then and there,
The flowers wilted but the letter stayed,
The address never changed -
Our home was the always the same.

Heaven sent the sun..

A broken heart,
A million shards,
A bucket of super glue,
A patched up new start.

Cracks erased,
Scars fade,
Time healed,
Just another day.

You walked by,
I smiled a goodbye,
The hello was lost,
I waved at one else.

Compass points north,
North seems home,
Home likes him -
So do I.

Now happy tears have found its way,
I smile at the baby in my arms today,
Thank goodness that he's my one,
Thank heavens for sending me the sun.

I don't want to fall in love...

I don't want to fall in love
If you don't want to try,
Passion and flames are good enough,
But what about when it's ice?
I don't want to fall in love
If you don't want to stay,
Life gives no guarantees
But promise you'll try each day?
I don't want to fall in love
If you don't want to see
The miracle that we could be,
The healing that this can be,
The ruination of two beings,
The catastrophe we will be.

Words in memory

My words fell uselessly at your feet,
And now you are trying to sleep,
But they have risen to fly
All around your head at night,
They won't give you peace, my friend,
Those words were precious,
Each one of them
And every word has a price
That you will have to pay,
Ever more and maybe throughout,
And you should know this,
Those words you thought useless
Were never useless at all,
They're ghosts from your past
That won't leave you alone
Even when your scars heal,
They're enough to cut it open
With memories enough to destroy you
To even finally end you.

Your house of cards

Your house of cards has fallen down,
Maybe you should've thought twice
Before moving on,
Before you pushed and pulled
And screamed and shrugged off,
Maybe you should've thought twice
Before walking out.

Your house of cards has fallen down,
Now you just want someone
To help rebuild it all,
But there is a new queen in the set
And a new king
And a new joker unmatched,
That would be you it seems.

Your house of cards has fallen down.
Now so have you, stained and broken
You're on the floor, I see you screaming.
I see your hurt and I'm bleeding.
I'm watching you die and I'm blinking.
I see you writhe and groan for these words,
You're forgiven, so I'm giving.

New year

A new beginning,
A new friend,
A new hope,
A new life begins.

Starting over,
Reading again,
Beautiful places,
Feeling again.

A new start,
A new book,
A new story,
A new chapter.

Tales of love have no end.
Somehow or the other,
You'll find yourself back again.

Scarce much to say

Love has scarce much to say,
When it begins to go the wrong way,
There are a few tears and few fights,
Yet things seem alright each night,
Till the day she tells him to leave
Without warning, without grief,
In a cold tone that could have cut stone,
And he felt it with his bones,
That this was the chill of a final goodbye,
And she had no more tears left to cry,
Not more and never again,
Definitely not for him.