ANAMIKA : Finding Hope

It was just any other monsoon day. Rainy. She stared outside the window jerking with every sudden raindrop that splattered against her pane. So much longing... To go out and feel the rain.

"Today... I can. I will. I must try."
She got up and silently moved across the house to the terrace door. She opened it slowly. It gave a gentle creak. She paused ; listened.
No noise other than the wind. She stepped out.

The glorious feeling! Mute in her house maybe but not in her heart. Her hopes had been dashed long ago. She adapted as, she was told, should any daughter. 'You will thank us later', was the said line whenever she expressed any dissatisfaction. But they never could understand. Never DID understand.

The rain beat down on her as she pulled the door shut. She made her way to the railings and threw out her hands as if to embrace the storm.

Everything muted in her mind. All the babble, all the memories, all the doubts and confusions. It was just her and the wind and the rain.

Blissful moments. Short lived though.

She heard the sound of the car coming and went back in. And it surrounded her again - the babble, all the memories, all the doubts and confusions. Lost hopes. Lost dreams. She sat by the door on the verge of tears.

"Anamika! Open the door!"
A stifled sob. A hastily rubbed eye.
"I'm going to bath Amma"
"Come down soon. Have lunch. Okay?"
"Yes"

She stared at the water droplets running down her hand. Twenty and she gets treated still like a child who is incapable of making her own choices and having her own plans for her future.

"Its my life. Not yours."

The whispers ended in full tears in the shower. Every other time whatever she did to please, never pleased even if it did, it would never show. She has to live up to or be better than those far older than her. Patronized. Opening her mouth just led to further problems. Like getting blamed for causing her mother's depression. Being the dishonorable one for daring to be herself, for choosing to be honest at all costs.

Is this what they are teaching us now? Honesty is not the best policy? In a selfish world, only the selfish win? Kindness is to be regretted? Creativity is a crime? Making your own way is wrong? The road less traveled is for losers? The fact that you can do something means you should do that alone, even if you have a passion you can be good at if given a chance? That being open is hurtful and mean, and being fair and merciful is not an option open to all? That your true face must always be hideous or wrong, so it should be hidden behind a mask?

"What is the point in me living? No one needs me. All my true friends- lost. Trust- not to be given because no one keeps promises and if I can't trust my own family then how will I ever trust someone else? Am I even doing something I love- even that is a no. Then why? To be a showpiece on my family case? I must have a better use in life than that... I must have. I Must! I must..."

More tears that won't fall but fills her eyes. More confusion in the growing darkness of her mind. No escape. That seemed to be the ultimatum branded in front of her mind's eye for every reason and path she checks.

No escape. Life can't be that hopeless.

She went for lunch and came back up. And fell asleep... Only to wake at 1 am the next day.

The rain had stopped. She creeped out of her room and out on the terrace again. Clear sky dotted with blue stars. And all of a sudden...

"A falling star!"

A hasty wish and a quiet prayer from her who had lost faith in all religion eight years back. She chanced a smile and crept back inside. And took out a letter dated three days back from under her bed, opening it hesitantly.

Dear Ms. Anamika,
We at St. Catherine's have read your application letter and we are glad to offer you a full scholarship here. You will be taken in a full-time student but will be expected to assist the professor you will be assigned to.

 ... ... ... ... . 

Please reply before May 12, 2013 to confirm your admission.
Once again, we welcome you to St. Catherine's!

Yours truly,
Aimee Thompson
Dean and Vice Chairperson of the Management Committee.

She got in. Her scores, her application letter and most importantly, her essay had pulled through! The last barrier would be her family. But even they can't complain because they don't have to pay any kind of fees. A FULL SCHOLARSHIP. She got out her huge letter pad and started writing.

Respected Madam,
I am truly thrilled and extremely grateful for being accepted... ... ...

May be there is hope and an escape after all.

The End

Mother

Ignorant.

Look at the tree!
See:

The old woman she has become;
Mother of so much,
Caregiver of all,
Beauty on earth,
She was all.

Now you only see the dead branches
And the withering leaves,
You forget the stories,
The memories, the peace;
You forget-

She's still alive,
Still there;
She is still all,
If you care
To see.

Your mother-
The tree.

Why Do I?

Why do I love you?
When all you gave was grief -
When all the promises were broken -
When you are never there for me.

Why should I love you?
Even if you are in pain -
Why do you call yourself "mine",
When you don't deserve that name.

Why do I still love you?
Or is it pity I feel -
That you don't own your mind,
Like I own mine.

Why do I still love you?
Not because you gave me life -
Because that I thought of taking it
Thrice these times.

Why do I still love you?
When selfish is all I see -
When disappointment overrides,
All your feelings for me.

Why do I still love you?
I really do not know -
And I am afraid if I find out,
I will cease to do so.

ANAMIKA - The Waiting Ends

It's easy to hide behind a smile,
And never wonder why
There is no choice,
It's the way designed.

Hiding behind a smile -
So much goes unsaid.
Love flowering and withering,
Countless stories, cheery or dread.

Sometimes its just easier
To put up a pretty face,
To be the one on centre-stage,
To never get a fail.

Where no one needs to know,
How much it hurts not to know,
Why everything has to be fine
Even when it is a no.

ANAMIKA - The Waiting (6)

Simple,
So simple,
Open your eyes -
She's right in front of you!
Why don't you realize?
Always the one you can trust,
Always the one who quietly entrusts -


Herself to you.
Blind fool.

Open your eyes!
See her as she is -
Look into her mind.
She won't ever say
This is a secret that will stay
For infatuation has gone away
Now love is held at bay.

ANAMIKA - The Waiting (5)

Its not okay,
He's not mine,
He shouldn't know this -
These thoughts of mine.

I love him badly,
Love him too much,
Infatuation should pass -
Till it does as such ;

I'm trapped to think
Of maybes and could-bes,
All the million possibilities -
That I will never venture.

Love is sacred,
Its entwined,
But feelings pass -
And so shall mine.

ANAMKA - The Waiting (4)

Why?
Just why do you hold on?
She's not coming -
And you don't ask her to.
Then let go darling,
Let go!
One day son,
She'll tire of waiting -
And then you'll look back
At the moon you lost,
While looking for that elusive star.

ANAMIKA - The Waiting (3)

He never knows.

It is you,
Just you,
Who brings that smile
On her face.
Its so easy to see,
She wishes so much,
For you. For you.
And just you.

ANAMIKA - The Waiting (2)

Saddest of all
Is this -
The triangle,
Or now a square?
The girl loves him 
Who loves another,
But she loves him
Who does not love her.

Is it for real?
She wonders,
To not realize what she had
Until she lost all?
Cursed : You don't deserve him!
She tells herself.
But she doesn't either,
She whispers to self.

Jealous and sad,
Proud and glad.
Stay alive, stay happy -
I want me to be too,
Your reason to smile.
That's all I want..
~The last whisper.
And she ends.

ANAMIKA - The Waiting (1)

Love -
This is not it ;
I should not!
~ Look at your face,
Not like this!
~ The hard angles,
The curve of your neck,
No!
I will not! -
Resolve fails. . .
I love you sweetheart,
Innocent to my grave -
I will keep quiet ;
And hope
That you will find
~ Her? Me. One day.

ANAMIKA : You

I found you,
But you're not mine to keep.
I have you,
But you're not mine to have.

So much I'd hope,
That you'd be mine ;
So much I'd wish,
That we'd fall in line.

Seems it's not the time,
Seems it's not the place,
Seems we've more to go,
Seems I've to let go.

Smile Please :)

Is it too hard to give a smile? Costs nothing but can mean a lot. Yes? Another reblogged from The Local Tea Party:

Good looks. And then?

Boss what is this obsession with looking good all the time? Every minute of the day you want to look good is it? Not possible. No no, not just the ladies ok? I am talking about the gentlemen too. Always you want to look good means how is it possible? Whether you are working in beauty parlour?

Earlier they used to call it beauty parlour and all the ladies used to go to do something with threads or something. At that time, all the men happily used to sit and read some magazines, I mean see some pictures of…ladies, I mean girls. But these beauty parlour fellows have totally messed up everything. They saw ki men are wasting time and so they said, ‘Arey, we will cut hair for men too, come come!’

So women are getting haircut and next seat men are also getting haircut. Women are looking at themselves in the mirror seriously and men are also looking at them secretly through the mirror. Best part is the women know everything that is happening and still they act as if they have not seen the men seeing them. What boss? Why such acting?

Hair looks so boring, it seems. If it is boring, why you are looking at it? Go watch some TV or play video games. Anyway you are going to put your hairband in your wrist only. For that why so much trouble?

Ok leave that. We used to happily go to ‘Malabar Saloon’ and get haircut and all. Now, suddenly all the saloon fellows have become salon fellows. Best is, they dropped one ‘O’ from saloon and added two ‘0’s to the price! Suddenly, ten rupees hair cut is thousand rupees. Arey! At least put some radio no, some decent music or general knowledge will come. Instead they are playing party music. What?! Boss, hair is getting cut yaar, how to shake the leg to the music? Whether you will face the consequence of ugly haircut? Maybe you will face, but I won’t.

On top of all this, they are selling hair cream to give ‘that Just-out-of-bed’ look it seems. Arey! If I want to get that look, I will simply get out of bed and go straight, no?

Indecent fellow will cut the hair and should simply leave no? He won’t. Very cleverly he will look at your face and say ‘Sir your skin is too rough and ugly patches are coming. You want to remove them?’ And we are thinking ki, ‘Boss, if one guy itself calling me ugly means what will the girls think?’ Men are feeling like this means, imagine how women will feel when asked like this? Ok, no need to imagine.

And he also wants to cut my nails it seems. No thank you. I have Made in Korea nail-cutter at home.

And the trouble taken in the gym. Uff. No need to mention at all. I think the gym fellows are our creditors in the previous birth. Otherwise why we will simply give money and forget about it? Especially because anyhow you are visiting Frankie’s every alternate day. What is the point? And yes, six-pack is useless. Women will look and drool and all but ultimately fall for the ‘chubby cute’ guy with nice paunch, because he looks ‘normal’. Why bother anyway?

You put fairness cream wherever you want to, but result will be the same. Somebody is always fairer than you, so again, don’t bother. There are six billion people in this planet. Who are you trying to impress?

Boss, you do whatever you want to look good. Nothing wrong. Your money, you spend. If nothing is working you can at least download some nice filters on Adobe Light Room and impress others. Anyhow you are already using Instagram.

But see, just looking good is not at all important no? Ordinary looking people cannot live in this planet is it? Who said?

However ‘beautiful’ you are, if you are walking around with a frown means what is the point? People will throw mustard at your face and it will explode only.

I don’t understand why we are trying so hard when there is an easy way to become the most beautiful person in the planet. Put one simple honest smile. That’s all.

Haunted

I tried so hard
Before I let go,
What point in saying now?
These you never saw
Till the end.

Now you are consumed
By that darkness in your mind,
Darkness that almost took me
Along for that red ride.

I should've seen before
That I cannot help,
That I can't be the one,
That I can't shoulder it all.

Somewhere along the way
If you take another soul,
Try not to destroy that too,
Because right now
You've chosen your own.

Ghost in my eye,
Ghost in my mind,
I know you'll haunt me
In the back of my mind.

But you won't rule me,
Not when I know I've tried,
Tried till I lost nearly all
And have now gone away.
I refuse to play your game.

Romy

So much to love
Those ones -

The little ones who play,

The best friend everyday.

Not just a pet,

Or a wandering stray,

They are family in their way -

To my dear friends,

I still remember you ;

Mon chat, my cat,

I still adore you.

Orange and black

And white and grey -

Rapunzel on the window,

I still remember those days.

Beautiful and elegant,

So much divine,

So full of love and energy -

I miss our times.

Don't know where you are,

Why you disappeared one day,

Why you never came

No matter when I called your name.

It's been so many years,

But I still think of you.

You're still the best :

Kitty heaven for you.

ANAMIKA - Lost Again

It’s confusing :

How I want to be alone,

But I don't -

Still I try

Keep company -

Better to disregard

These thoughts in my head ;

Scared, desperate

Tell me why and why -

Stubborn, stupid

Everyone knows and knows -

Distraction

Wanting again and again -

Why this?

Depression :

Friend and foe ?

Escapism -

I try to .

Confusing but new,

This is me now ?

And I don't know how.

For You

Once upon a time there was a little boy and a little girl. They studied in the same school, same class but became very close (the best of) friends only at the last moments, the last year. They went their own ways but kept contact and the friendship always remained strong. They were best friends forever. The end.

Most people thought, expected, that they'll fall in love but it was never like that. Doesn't have to be. It was pure, true friendship to the core, the likes of which we rarely see. A girl and a boy can just be friends. It doesn't have to get messy and weird. Friendship is a beautiful gift you give yourself...

...And it doesn't have to be friendship day or someone's birthday to let your BEST FRIEND know Just How Much they mean to you -

Doesn't matter the fights and misunderstandings, 

But it matters that you weathered through... Together.

I'm sharing this story with for my best friends, boys & girls, cause I wanted to remind them something - 

You're my best friend and I'm not letting go

No matter what, through thick and thin,

From stop to start,

I don't want our friendship to ever part.

Yours truly.

P.S. - Why don't you let your best friends know what they mean to you too? Surprise them. And see what happens :)

Thank You

It's an acknowledgement,
It's a praise,
It makes it worth your day,
To hear those two words
May not matter right now,
But after thankless jobs
You realize just how -
That little phrase makes
You look forward to the next day.
Thank You.

It Doesn't Make Sense

Staring out the window Eyes fixed, mind wandering Wondering, 'Just what the hell am I thinking? ' Nothing makes sense Nothing matters It doesn't even bother To be unnoticed, unwondered 'Unwondered'? Here's another Nothing makes sense But then, nothing matters. Still staring out the window Seeing the kids come in Empty classes filling in Groups, individuals and what not Nothing makes sense But then again, nothing matters. For one last time A last look around Your last year in your first school A last look at your first home Bell rings, I wake up. What happened? It doesn't make sense And I don't know if it matters.

ANAMIKA : Spirit Dead

It'd be so easy to end this
With a slash of a blade,
So easy to tear
Every work on these pages-
Pages of misery,
Despair and disgrace,
One after another,
All stacked up but can't face.
Loneliness, anger,
The pain inside -
All these frowns and half-smiles.
Death outside.
Hiding everything :
Don't trust to show -
Hating every moment
Of a life out of control.
Is it time for the blade?
Is it taking control?
Or just rot away,
Dead in mind and soul.

Let It Rain

Life is short?
I guess not -
Seems never ending,
What once rushed by.
It's not looking back,
That's all in a sack -
It's moving forward,
The Trying-To I lack.
I'm afraid to take
Up my pieces, forsake
Myself along the way.

What should I do?
I really don't know,
There are faces in the clouds
I can't make out.
Only thing I still know -
It will rain.

Where I Belong

The things I loved
Seem now, no more.
Once mind changes,
It changes all.
Now aimless on a path,
Wandering feeling lost,
Wondering where to start,
Wondering if it's a stop.
Nothing feels right
Seems nowhere I belong,
Once there was everything -
Now for Something I long.

Storm

Is it this,
Is it that,
What is it
That I lack?
Why can't I move on,
Why won't I step on,
What's stopping me,
Why am I so scared?
What do I have to lose,
What is left to risk?
Pawned my life in anger,
All that's left are bits.

Am I to pick it up again
And face this tide alone,
I wish I could see some way
To get out of this storm...

Ignorance

Tears.
They fall on the black char
As I watch the flame.
It dies.
Alone now in darkness
Where I pray for hope.
Hope for escape.
Something that never comes.
Everyone says they're okay
But,
It's just a beautiful lie
They want to believe.
Just like -
Life's a beautiful lie
Love, the glorious illusion.
The painful truth
Of death, we ignore.
That we die alone, ignore.
Tell me,
If so, why I ask,
Why I cry,
Why I suffer -
For an understanding that doesn't come?
For assumptions to stop,
For accusations to end,
For tears unshed to finally fall
Where they're never seen
But felt.
By them all.

Borrowed Time

I'm here on borrowed time
I do not know
Why it is not mine
But I'm here only for a short while.
The pain is dulll
I keep silent

Listen to the noise around - 
The clock ticking, a fan whirring
The paper crinkling 
As my dad turns the page.
Sounds of birds, the occasional dog and cat, 
Most of all wind - gentle, stirring leaves.

Something is wrong I know, 
I'm here on borrowed time! 
Yearning for something yet not found.
Now it's all over.

My heart is racing as I lie here, 
My lungs rushing for that last breath, 
My hands shaking as I wirte this, 
Tears wet the page - tiny drops.

My time is up.

I was here on borrowed time
But now, I welcome my end.

A Hypocrite's Life

Want to turn my back on the world, 

What’s left for me to be here? 

No one would even demur, 

No one is even near.

Not entirely true -

I know there are some of you, 

But when the time comes for me

You will end up letting it be...

Time can't heal all my wounds, 

Some are still fresh and others more new.

Hurt is not this - This is pain, 

Heart-rending, heart-breaking...

No wonder I'm sick of this game.

I tried being hopeful, 

Tried to bring joy, 

But what is the use

If it's so short to live by? 

They say tiny moments 

Make life worthwhile, 

But life is a hypocrite

And... So am I...

To turn my back on my friends, 

My family and dear ones; 

To give up so wholly, 

To lose myself.

I had given a promise - 

Not to too much change.

But I failed the next second

And pretended to be the same.

Life is a hypocrite

But so am I, 

So I guess this is my punishment

A hypocrite's life.

Lies I Keep For You

Why didn't I tell you? I say then, I didn't want to worry you. 'You fell down, Hurt your knee. Why didn't you tell us? ' 'It's not a problem. It's just a cut.' 'You're not well. Why don't you tell us? ' 'It didn't seem that much important.' This is what I say then. Then when I try to be your good girl, Who is not armed with her pen. Who starts to cry with a death wish For the pain that she's having. Pain she feels When her body's not her own. Pain she feels When there is nowhere to go. Pain she feels When she knows you won't listen. Pain she feels When she knows there's no more to know. At the wrong time, You ask the right things For which I can only give Wrong answers. The lies I keep for you. Wrong answers. My small white lies Don't hurt you nor I. But like snakes in the grass Eventually will be seen Screamed at, then killed For the things they've been. But it won't stop If it starts This dam once broken Won't be held back. These lies I keep for you, They'll have to be kept Till you ask the right questions At the right time.

Matter Of A Second

Going far, far away

Cause you have nothing to say -

Are you ashamed to think

Of what might have been,

If things were different 

By just one second?

Cursed

Is it an illusion
Or is it a dream?
Is it real or going to fall
Torn apart at the seams?
Curses gathered on one head
Let it hurt no one else
Except that one head.

ANAMIKA - Sights Set

So it has been chosen
And her path has been fixed,
To travel somewhere far away,
A land of surprise and thrill.

Though the change will be weary
And her eyes remain weary,
It won't hide the shine
Of seeing dreams as real life.

To take a path less known,
To go only as she knows,
To see the world once more
In some other glow.

She sees him clearly
Through all the strife and rage,
Her angel to the new day
As she's picking out her own way.

Confusion still reigns
Forefront in her mind,
Of who she'll lose
And who she's left behind.

May be no one is lost,
May be everything's fine.
Still why so much anger
And disdain her mind?

Always there,
Bringing her back
To the sense of belonging
And being loved back.

Does she deserve this?
She doesn't know
But she's giving her everything
Of that she's sure.

Whether be understood or scorned
It makes no difference now;
The journey has again begun
It'll go on and end with the sun.

ANAMIKA - In Love

Is it a fantasy
Or is it true?
Right now, Anamika,
She can't choose.
Is it Prince Charming
Or just another guy?
Will this be it
Or is it another lie?
Anamika, Anamika,
She can't choose.
Torn between love
And wondering about the truth.

Is her heart ready
Or is she just lonely?
Or is it neither and both
That she ends up longing...
One touch, one kiss,
One fateful day,
To become a woman
And all it entails.
To have it all,
To be loved...
To be ensured protection
And be taken care of.

Is this part of her dreams
Or has it become truth?
Anamika right now,
You have to choose.
Face your heart,
Your spirit and say,
That you'll be standing
Come what may.
Anamika, she chose -
Love, a fairytale olden ;
Was she wise or not,
We will find out.
Soon.

ANAMIKA - The Nameless One

There is no sense,
There is no rhythm,
And I don't know what to do.
Committed to one
And in love with another,
I don't know who to choose.
My commitment is strong,
My heart doesn't waver,
When it comes to duty I should.
But love for you
Has torn me asunder,
So tell me what to do.

Do I pick you?
And confuse my life
More than it already is?
Or do I choose myself?
And escape while I can
Before you clip my wings?
I have lost my heart,
I have lost my name,
I have nothing left.
What to do
And where to go?
How do I face myself?

This is my story
So I chose a name.
A name for myself
To be rendered again.
Nameless I have become,
Nameless I shall be -
No faces, no disguise
This is who I'll be.

'Anamika' I choose,
'The one without name' ;
I have nothing to lose
So now claim freedom again.

Trust No Man

Give me your trust, said the king on the throne,

For I must bear the burden all alone.

I take the earth and support the sky,

So let me rule and I'll pass you by.

Because trust is the color of a dark seed growing.

Trust is the color of a heart's blood flowing,

Trust is the color of a soul's last breath.

Trust is the color of my own death.

Give me your trust, said the queen on her throne,

For I must bear the burden all alone.

Trust me to lead and to judge and to rule,

And no man will think you a fool.

But trust is the sound of the grave-dog's bark.

Trust is the sound of betrayal in the dark,

Trust is the sound of a soul's last breath.

Trust is the sound of my own death.

Give me your trust, said the parent to the child

For I must bear you and your life.

I give you everything and more

So give your trust, I'll ask no more.

Trust is the scene of young heart breaking.

Trust is the scene of ravens' croaking,

Trust is the scene of the soul's last breath.

Trust is the scene of my own death.

*Some of the lines have been taken from the book 'Lord Of Chaos' by Robert Jordan*

Cast Away (Complete Story)

I watched you from afar

You grew away from me

But you knew there was a star

That shone for you, that is me

I still watch upon you from high

Casting my bright light

Hoping you would look this way

So I can glimpse you, my life

I fell in love from far

Across the cosmic space

You drew me in your life

Now I shine on you and gaze

Down on that pretty face

So  beautiful from my seat

My throne, my kingdom

I wish to submit at your feet

I want you by my side

Not just to shine down bright

Trapped in echoes of my own world

I look upon your light

A mere human that you are

You drew me in your life

I wish to come down and take you

And share your simple life

Forbidden as I am

But still wanting more

Always know my presence

For you'll come soon enough

Caught in your whispering senses

Tender as can be

The simple life of a lady

Who gives so much as free

Look my way, my love

Though you may not see my face

Trapped in echoes of my own world

I try to give you what I may...

And now I hear you say,

"Is it now you realize

That even if dawn won't come to light

My window remains alight

Thinking you'll call my name tonight

Out in the shadows I creep

Wander under trees asleep

Carrying the smallest of lights

My eyes, they are my eyes.

I reach the water, I think

Of times I thought we linked

Wishing you'd come here and soon

I go back to my room

And find on my bed

A single rose, a single red

And one simple note that said

Three little words that meant

Almost everything to me."

And now...

Your final days there are nearing

I can feel it strong in me

The soul that longs for freedom

I'll bring you here to me

The last day has finished

Now you've joined me here

Only to spurn my ugly face

Now you see your guardian clear

Was my love in vain?

Was my care not enough?

Why do you choose another?

Why not me, my love?

There were so many things I wished,

So much that I hoped,

I gave you everything -

And now I’ve lost all.

My tears fall on shadows

of what I thought we'd be

Realize now your silence

Has forsaken life for me.

One Doubt - WHY? (7)

*Part Seven - I Don't Know Why*

I'm so sorry.

You came back for me. But I can't go with you. I just can't. I'm lying on the bed and you're standing by the window looking out. You don't know I've woken yet. You don't know the countless number of e-mails and letters I wrote and stored away... And I'm lying here wondering how this happened.

"You fainted Allie. Are you ok?"

"No I'm not."

"Alison."

"Go away."

"Ali - "

"PLEASE."

"Fine."

And Slam! goes the door. He's gone. And here comes the tears. Maybe if I shut my eyes really tight, I'll wake up and it'll all just be a bad dream. Just a bad dream.

"Why are you crying Allie? I'm sorry I can't go away right now there are some things we need to discuss."

His voice has changed. He has changed. The old Charlie would have left me alone after I display a temper. This feels like I'm with him and someone else I'm starting to like... NO. It's just him. And I dumped him. I left. I had his child. If he wants custody I'll fight every court for it unless he'll settle for spending some time with her during the weekend or so. I won't rob them of their rights. But I don't want him interfering with me or my life.

He's wiping my tears... So gentle. NO.

"Stop it!"

I guess I have no choice but to get up. 

"What do you want to know Charlie?"

Hard as steel now. Of course. He tried being gentle and patient for so long. I can't blame him.

"I want to know about Victoria. How did she happen?"

"I left you and came here and all of a sudden I discover I'm a month into pregnancy. And she's my child. My baby. I couldn't kill her. Not then, Not now. Not ever. I did my Masters and by the time I got my job with FPS, Forensic Psychological Services, by the time she was going to be 2years old. I had Anne and Katie to help me. It was ok. I adjusted well. So did Alison. She was good. I raised her exactly the way I learnt it should be. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. She's good at school, she's free, she's confident... She's everything and more to me. And she's living life on her own terms with some guidance when she asks for it. She tries her best always... And she doesn't run away. Alison is brave whatever else she's not. She is very very brave."

"Like her mother."

"I ran away."

"No. You left because it was better to. That's not a crime."

"If it's not then why didn't you just leave me ALONE?!"

"Because I couldn't. I tried. I couldn't. No I have more reason not to leave."

"Leave what? Come or go. No one will stop you. I don't care who does or who doesn't as long as you leave me and Alison out of it."

"I can't. I have a right to be with her and her with me. I already adore her."

"Ha. Fine. Leave me out of it."

...

That's all I want. Leave me alone. I can't bear to revisit the past. Everything so jumbled now...

I don't know... Charlie you never know! Make up your mind please!... No I can't.

We are doing this because we love you... No you're doing this because he told you so! I wish I was never born to you! I'm not some brightly colored bird to be kept in a cage all the time!... Who told you that?! We did no such thing!... Stop lying. I heard you... You never listen to us! You're such a stubborn spoilt child even now! We loved you too much that was the problem!... Yes it is the problem! You're destroying me and you can't even realize that! I wan to leave this miserable place! And when I do, "I'll never come back again!"

"Alison? I'm not asking you to leave here..."

"NO! I'm not Alison anymore! I'm Valen! I changed Charlie. And even if you did, I wouldn't go." I can't face you. You have to go. "I don't love you anymore. I don't want any guy in my life right now. And when I'm ready to let someone in... It won't be you. I'm sorry. Just leave."

I can your beautiful face reflected off the window pane. I can see the shock on your face. I'm so sorry Charlie. Alison is no more. This is Valen. And Valen... Valen can't bear to deal with you again and get hurt again. To get used again. To be misunderstood when I need someone to love me the most. I don't want to deal with that kind of hurt again. I dealt with it enough in those 5years. Yes, that's right. Turn away. Walk out that door.

...

"Valen! He just left without saying a word! And Alison is crying in her room! What is all this?"

Poor Anne. So bewildered. 

"I'm going to her now."

"Young lady, tell me why he left."

"He left because there is no reason for him to stay. And he did change but he's still the same."

"What?"

...

"Alison..."

"Mommy... Why did he leave... I liked him... He told me he'd say goodbye before he left and tell me when he'd come next... But he just left Mommy..."

I hugged her tighter. My dress was wet with her tears. She just couldn't understand. She is just 8 after all... I bet it's hard to digest that Daddy came and left without any warning or preamble. But I guess he has his reasons.

"People don't always mean what they say baby... Even if they do, sometimes they forget..."

"But they shouldn't Valen... They shouldn't..."

"Hush sweetie. It'll be ok... Try to sleep now. I'm here with you."

"Don't leave me in the middle of the night."

"I won't Allie."

"Kay..."

*flashback*

"I can't. I have a right to be with her and her with me. I already adore her."

"Ha. Fine. Leave me out of it."

"Tell me... Why do you call her Alison?'

"I don't know."

"Really? You must have some reason."

"I told you. I don't know why."

"Ok."

"Will you leave me now please?"

That's all I want. Leave me alone. I can't bear to revisit the past. Everything so jumbled now...

*flashback ends*

Truth is... I guess I do know why now. She's everything that she wants to be. She's noble in herself. Everything she should be... And my best friend and life's meaning. She's the Alison whom I wished to be and never really was. 

She really is Alison. Not me. And I guess that's why.

*THE END*