Mea culpa

Mea culpa, mea maximus culpa.
My fault, my most grievous fault.

I swore not to hurt a soul.
A long, long time ago.
I swore to be clear, to explain.
A long, long time ago.

I made a lot of oaths,
Look where I am now - oath breaker.
I wanted to rise, to fly,
Now I'm like a dark cloud.

Et je pleut, je pleut, je pleut.
And I rain, I rain, I rain.

I can beg, plead for forgiveness
But hell doesn't care for it.
I can work and ruin myself till
Blood runs down my toes and nails

But hell doesn't care for it,
No one else does either.
I was in Paradise and wondering
Which was the Apple I shouldn't bite.

Mea culpa, I should not have eaten at all.

I was in Paradise and wondering
Who was the one I shouldn't listen to.

Mea culpa, I should not have listened at all.

I was in Paradise and wondering
What if I got thrown away for loving?

Mea culpa, I should not have thought at all.

I swore a long, long time ago
To not hurt a soul,
To give the love and attention
To everyone that I never found at all.

I swore a long, long time ago
To be clear and to explain,
Because my life is shared
And without them, there's no life at all.

I became an oath breaker
After I made a lot of oaths.
All these oaths were broken to myself
Even though it was not for me at all.

I became a dark cloud
When I wanted to rise and to fly,
I couldn't let go of my anger or sadness,
It weighed down on me like acid rain.

Et je pleut, all the anger away.
Je pleut, all the tears away.
Je pleut, all the sorrows of those loved.
Et je pleut, for you, for me, for everyone.

But I'm still raining for you, your tears.
Mea culpa, mea maximus culpa,
I can't stop your tears.

A love letter

Dear you,
There many ways to go about my day,
Yet each time I think of it,

Your face remains
In my head like a background dream,
A foreground cinema,
An old, gnarled tree,
A symphony of a full orchestra,
The ever changing sea.

Yet somehow I wonder isn't alone safer?
Alone means the wings will be stronger,
The currents will be faster,
The tides more dangerous,
The rain more stormy and the night
More darker.

Then again, there are many ways
To go about my day
And even though my work might not
Entirely get complete,
I will always prefer you,
You to my solitude.

Love,
Me.

Stuck

There are moments when -
You look at me and don't look away,
I blush and blush and blush.
You smile at me with that look in your eyes,
I can't stop smiling, grinning, laughing.
You touch my hand and rub it so gently,
My hand feels like it's on fire, red hot, scorched.
You talk to me about your day like I matter,
And I can't look away, anywhere, but at you.

There are moments when -
I crack a dumb joke and you laugh,
You laugh like you share the madness since long.
I dance a few steps in the middle of the road,
You just dance along to the same song.
I run to the nearest ice cream just to end with a broken cornetto,
You share your butterscotch chocolate delight with me.
I eat all your ice cream without a single guilty thought,
All the while you complain but, and you just let me.

There are moments when -
A bike ride on an empty road seems endless
And yet so short, oh so short.
A walk in the park on a winter night seems so cold
And yet so warm, so hot.
A shared quarter of rum between two seems too less
And yet more than enough, too much.
A wish of goodnight seems filled with promises
And when will they come, oh when will you come?

All these moments when you tempt me,
All these moments I think we could be,
Somewhere I feel this is a game,
Somewhere I don't think this can be tamed -

#Just taking a walk down our memory lane

Late apologies

I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

What does it mean to love anyway?
Do you know it any better than I do?
Maybe you do because you stayed,
You stayed when I fought demons
That only I could see.
But when you left and that's when
I needed you the most, how can you say
That you know to love better than me?

Now I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

I'm looking back at that girl I kissed
In 9th grade and I'm wondering now,
Did I leave her as harshly as you left me?
An abrupt drop to the ground
Would have been less painful maybe,
Just maybe, but that girl cried tears
And I still remember standing,
Hands in pockets, looking another way.

I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

I'm thinking now about the girl, the girl.
The one I fell madly in love with,
The one I shared my entire life with,
The one who stayed when everyone walked away,
And the one who left when all was OK.
You were that one and I know you'll say
That I didn't love you right and I agree,
Maybe I didn't but who knows to love anyway?

Now I'm saying sorry for the last time,
I know I'm the one who walked away,
I'm the one who didn't love right
But now I'm saying sorry the last time.

I accept with all grace my dear.
You were wonderful and then you turned
Like it was the full moon after years
And you were a werewolf and couldn't really hold back
All that anger that you unleashed at me.
You dropped everything and said no more,
And I never really understood why, just like
The furious blue grass was sleeping.

I have made my apologies.
You still chose to walk away.
Maybe the mistake was mine
But whatever happened to second chances?
Where is the love when you can just
Forget and move on?
I apologised, I apologise.
But it's all too late now.
You're gone.

So now, I'm saying sorry for the last time -
I know I'm the one who walked away, sorry.
I'm the one who didn't love right, sorry.
Now I'm done saying sorry.

Sleeping grounds

A heart freely given,
A heart ignored,
You seem to be wondering
If I know more than you know.
What I gave is yours to keep,
What I didn't isn't for anyone but me;
Call me selfish, a sadistic fool,
But I'm in love (With whom? With what?)
And there's nothing you can do.

These words flowing freely,
These words that I can't stop,
My words to which your heart listens,
Your words at which my heart stops.
I need a bit of mercy,
I need a bit of love,
I need to know that I have some worth
Outside
This foolish castle on clouds.

My heart is stopping in anger,
It is stopping seeing your desire,
Till now I just promised a heart,
If you desire something more,
Something or...*aur*...

My heart was freely given,
In the guise of friendship if I may,
But love is everywhere, don't you see?
My heart doesn't mean that it's your bed
Where I'll choose to stay.

A note to you

It's hard to love you from any one side especially when I keep falling in love with all the angles, all the sides.

It's like being in love with a painting. Understood yet misunderstood. Beautiful yet scary in the same beauty which presents so much raw emotion.

I fail to understand you correctly, exactly in the way you wish to be understood. I fail to become you while embracing you. I fail to take in you as you and instead take you in through me.

Sometimes, I wish I could erase myself perfectly into you. Like sometimes you erase yourself into me and yet don't.

I'm writing letters to you almost everyday.
I'm watching myself unwittingly and unwillingly hurt you through what I think are harmless.

I'm watching you smoke one after the other and wonder if I should tell you to go and rest, to take a break from this headache, to get some proper rest.

No one can love such that there will be no misunderstandings and no lovers' quarrels. Our love lies in the solutions and the compromises. People might say you shouldn't compromise in love but shouldn't you sacrifice a bit for the one you love?

The December of Lies

In December:
Where does your line begin and where does mine end?
Where do we stop merging and individually begin?
When did this start, the melange of the two?
Why did this start, One loving and being Two?

Where does your story begin and where is mine?
I thought we had the same love story, you and I,
I was broken beyond repair, you cured me like it was nothing,
You didn't need me at all, yet you need me without knowing how.

And then:
Why this imposition of love suddenly when it was all a free flow?
Why are we suddenly different and you're One, I'm Two?
Where did the wall come from, where did the melange stop?
Why this test of domination between equals, Two is lost and now less?

We used to shuttle back and forth, you and I.
We used to count all the stars in the sky.
Now we're counting the tears shed from our eyes,
Now we're counting the days back to the December of lies.

Not empty words

I would throw it all away,
Throw it all away for you.
No, these are not empty words.

I would throw it all away -
The house, the money,
The fast cars and luxury,
Maybe even electricity,
Maybe even...

I wish I could rewrite it all,
Rewrite it all for you.
No, these are not empty words.

I would rewrite it all -
Be born elsewhere, less rich.
Be someone else, more normal.
Be the same yet different,
Change it all for you.
Change into what you thought I was
Than remain what you discovered,
Unwillingly, I was. Unwillingly.

I would throw it all away,
Throw it all away for you.
No, these are,.

I would throw it all away -
My past, my curse, my pride,
Whatever I needed to hide...
But what if those were
The very things which helped me
Create the image that you fell for,
That you fell in love with?

No, these are not empty words.
I have so many words and
They all mean so much to me.
Especially these three :
You, us, trust.

No, these are not empty words.
A silenced one's words are loaded,
And when the darkness hears it,
She regrets the sense behind each
The sense behind each of those words.

No, these are not empty words,
At least not for me.

Waiting...

I'm waiting
For the moment that you walk out
For the moment you'll turn your back
And I'll fall.

I'm waiting
To see till where this will go
To see how far you want us going
Before the crash.

I'm waiting
Till the time I'll be left with photos
Till the time I'll be left with memories
Of touches that promised the world,
Of kisses that promised eternity.

But you would have never realised
That forever goes by in days
And then the minutes just stop ticking
And you find yourself alone in bed and wondering
Since when you're waiting.

So then.

Call it a wonderful disaster.
A miraculous disease.
The smallest addiction.
The most relentless fatigue.
A furious calmness.
A depressing happiness.
Call it anything you want,
Baby, you know what you want.

You know that in the depth
Of this ditch where we build
Our castles of puffy clouds,
You know that in the height
Of this hill where we swim
In our sea and we prowl,
You know it everywhere
Even in this room,
Baby, you know what you want.

And you know I want it too.
You know to create this disaster,
You know to worsen this disease,
You know to feed the addiction,
You know to heighten the fatigue.
And I know to infuriate that calmness,
And I know to depress, repress the high,
I know to be the bottle to my alcoholic,
The one that you can't put down.

I know what you want baby,
And I know that you know it too.