Trauma

It was never what I wanted
You made me believe it was
Lies and more lies
I fell for it all
You hurt me in ways
I would rather forget
But they come back in nightmares
Unexpected touches
And now I know.

Now I know it was not my fault -
When you forced me down
When you crushed my chest
Against a mattress on the floor
When I couldn't breathe
And you kept telling me
I'm dirty for wanting more.

Now I know it was not my fault -
That I bled every time you
Forced yourself inside
This unwilling cunt, you said
Is just a show
Just to make you want me more
And more
And I should just lie there and take it.

Now I know it was not my fault -
Once caught there is no choice
Yes, some men are stronger
Than women no matter what
Any one says
Nature gifted them with brawn
And women with brain
And few with both or maybe reverse
It's a cruel game.

But now I know it's not my fault -
I couldn't have said a word
When thrown down by my hair
Made into an Indian map
Of mountains and valleys
And a barren desert
My geography exploited
But my life did not end
Simply because you put a cork
Temporarily in places
It had no business being in.

And now I know to fight,
To sleep without nightmares of you,
To walk with my head held high,
My honour doesn't rest in my vagina;
It rests with my acts, my mind and me.
Now I know it's not my fault,
And you have no more position here
To traumatize me.

Fear Street ?

It's like a nightmare waiting to be retold millions of times. The same figure, the same vague shape in the distance which sends chills down her spine. She vaguely recalls holding that slim waist. Then shudders.

Shudders at having been made to believe that she is the equivalent of a servant or worse, that of a common prostitute. But the two had dignity that she didn't find in two years. The two would have some shred of self respect left where she had none.

She calls up the face of the one she loves now to chase away the figure of her demon. But it's still there, lingering somewhere to haunt her, to pull her back from even walking alone in a peopled road in broad daylight.

Does a woman ever get over that fear once instilled in her? The brute domination of sheer physical force of someone bigger over someone smaller?

Maybe she has begun to believe in love again, maybe she has begun to trust again, maybe she is regaining what she ended up losing.

Even then. Though she can voice it out, act out, do so many things... though she is aware of all this... when does she actually recover from the panic and fear of having been rendered helpless and subjugated and manipulated? When?

Hopefully, when truth and love shows her that all men are not the same and that people do change for the better... and when she lives in a society where this manipulation, subjugation and domination are not embedded in its members as a part of daily life. That sort of life isn't okay for anyone.

Here's to hoping for a happy life. Salud!

The Extra Friendly Neighbor...

#a rapist's ranting. (imagined)

"The feelings grow stronger, down below,
I become rock hard, at the sight of you I glow,
There's an ache in my arm, to reach out to you tonight,
Come and let me make you
My wife, my mistress,
It's just one night."

"Each time you pass by, I stare and stare,
Devour you in that little skirt,
Maybe in a salwar that you wear,
My thoughts become more frantic,
I need my release soon,
Dreaming of you doesn't help,
I need to have you soon."

"Why do you ignore me?
You act as if I don't exist,
Your friendly neighborhood uncle,
You're dressing up and tearing me to bits.
You walk around with guys,
They touch you and you laugh.
If they have so much freedom, then I do too, perhaps?"

"Girl, you are straining me,
I can't keep my hands to myself no more,
You're all alone in the house across,
Maybe I'll come and visit in this tone.
I can see you are busy, moving around like a dance,
Come and open the door for me,
Like the whore you act like..."

"So surprised to see me honey?
Never knew how you were tempting me each day?
Now let me put my thoughts to rest sweetheart,
My dreams will become actions you never forget!
Your screaming is just more fun,
Your squirming is making me come,
Stay still you bitch, or I might
Just beat you into it."

"What are these tears for now?
Aren't you enjoying this?
You're panting like a dog in the heat,
Liar, you needed me!
Let me show you how men can be,
Let me show you your place as it should be,
Listen here you little whore,
You'll keep quiet and let me take you some more!"

"Never speak of this again girl,
This man is just your friendly neighbor,
So maybe you fell and hit your head,
Explain the bruises however it helps;
Don't speak a word, or I'll find you right here,
You'll be waiting for me...
And I'll leave you *dead* clear."

Shush... _6

EPILOGUE:

“Hey. Wake up“, he shook her shoulder. He had fallen asleep right afterwards and he felt terrible. What had happened? The room was dark. She was under him. He felt her moving, trying to get up.

“Uh...uh..Mhmm“, he muffled her voice with his hand over her mouth. Then the graphic images returned. The slow kissing, then pushing her down, not even bothering to fully undress and hurriedly redressing afterwards. Had it been a dream? He hoped so.

“Shush... Stay calm ok?“, he said softly, slowly removing his hand. There was a fear in him about how she would respond... IF she did at all respond.The calmness in her voice chilled him when she finally spoke after an excruciatingly long minute.
“I am calm.“
“I... Did we...?“
“Yes.“
“Did we use...um..?“
“No.“
“Oh HELL! I am so sorry! Sweetheart...“
“Don‘t“, she placed a finger on his lips, finding it correctly in the darkness,“Don‘t say a word.“
The silence extended like spring more and more ready to bounce. “I‘m sorry... I am so sorry, I wasn‘t myself and... Oh God. I have no excuse.“
“I don‘t want excuses. What happened happened. You can‘t change that.“
“I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. I‘ll buy you an ECP. Are you ok? My love... What did I do?“, trembling, few tears fell from his eyes.

Everything was going wrong. She had... had an intense experience. But she wouldn‘t call it rape. No. She had wanted it. That was a stunning revelation. She had wanted it. But... not like this. Not when he was like this.

“Why ...“, his voice shook. The room was pitch black and he wanted to see her. To look in her eyes and beg forgiveness. He started to feel around for the switch and asked,“Why didn‘t you stop me? You didn‘t stop me... Why, why, WHY?“
He flipped the switch at that exact moment. His liquid golden-brown eyes registered shock. She was smiling. A quiet, thrilled smile as though she had just discovered something too wonderful for words.

And she had. She loved him like no other. Enough to even allow this.

“I... I think I am in love with you“, she confessed, her soft brown eyes betraying the hint of excitement and fear that her voice and other features did not.

“WHAT?!“, he exploded. He caught her shoulders and pushed her back into the bed, looking at her eyes, begging them to say it‘s a lie.

“I... We... That... That happened ok? It wasn‘t some dream. You should be hating me! Oh God, why didn‘t you stop me?!“, he groaned out loud. She eyed him, a half-smile still on her face.
“Because I didn‘t want to. You needed me so I let you. It‘s just... I don‘t want next time like that. It was...scary.“
“You fool“, he said quietly,“I raped you. Don‘t you get it?“
“But you love me. You told me you did.“
“No. No.“ He sat up and so did she. Her facing him and him hiding his face in his hands.
“You told me so before you passed out.“
“What is WRONG with you woman?! Hate me! I took your dignity!“
“You took my love.“
“Oh God. Just give me time. I... I can‘t believe it.“
“Ah, but you have to“, she stood up and stretched,“I woke up a while ago actually. I bought groceries and cooked dinner. It‘s in the fridge. Just heat it up.“
“Wait! Where are you going?!“
“Back to my room. I‘m feeling sore.“
“I‘m really...“
She put a finger to his lips silencing him.
“Shush... I‘m leaving now. Goodbye.“
Mouth open, he watched as she opened the door and gently shut it behind her. She paused a moment outside the door unbeknownst to the one inside. Then she smiled again and... She left.