Untitled #31 - missing solitude

Nights are ever so lonely without you by my side;

It never feels complete, I still don't understand why;

It's not like I've not spent three million nights alone,

But three hundred nights with you have me craving more.

Darkness was always a trusted friend of mine,

Even when you were by my side;

It hid my pain, my sadness, even my high;

But now I'm morose, looking for you in the light.

Nights are ever so lonely without you by my side,

We have not touched each other since days so I wonder why;

They are so lonely when I feel I should be holding you

All throughout this cold night.

Darkness was always a trusted friend of mine,

And mine led me to you in the darkest of times;

Yet even though you always remind me of light

Sleeping with the lights on does not warm me,

Not anymore, not this cold night.

Untitled #18 - Distance

How can it be that the very thing which created us
Would be the very thing to tear us apart?

Distance.

Such a strong word whose strength is never known
Till it is lying next to you on the bed
Which you wish now that you'd never known.

Distance.

A reminder of the trains that come and go,
Stations and stations but there is always
A start and an end.

Distance.

It was fond when we were not together all the time.
When it is hard to get something, this person,
It makes it such a sweet, strong word.

You never realise the malice it carries
Till it becomes your bedfellow,
Till your partner becomes it in every way,
And even you, you diffuse at his touch and spread,
In every way, all away from him.

Distance.

The child we gave birth to unknowingly.
The one we let live while the others starved.
Where are all the little things?
How do you I get you back?
I'm so scared of this distance that I cannot measure
In millimeters or light years,
All I know is I can't reach you.
Give me love.

Distance.

I've become a broken record playing a fake Ed Sheeran.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
I'm tired of this hide and seek,
There is no turning it around,
But all I want
Is the taste of your lips on mine,
My my, my my, my...
Oh give me love.

Naïveté

I let him take parts of me
That were never meant to be taken,
I let him shove expectations and promises
Deep down my throat till my resolve weakened,
I started thinking it is my duty -
To be pushed around and treated
Like a pensive bin: of his thoughts,
His dreams, his desires, his needs,
His wants, his expectations,
His Expectations.
I realised it too late that I was a fountain,
Set out to cascade over mountains,
Carve and start a river, make a sea;
I spat out the false promises too late,
I realised late my true duty and fate,
I had let him take those parts of me
That were never meant to be taken,
But now those promises and expectations
Finally mean nothing.

Belonging

Stupid, stupid girl.
You actually thought that you belonged in this place where your name has no meaning.
Silly girl.
Hasn't it always been the same?
Fake?
Watching from shiny window panes into a world beyond your grasp,
Thinking you're a part of it and then you bump into glass.
Stupid, stupid girl.
You knew you shouldn't have stayed to begin with,
You knew you'd get attached,
You're never able to decide the line and look,
You never last.
You were just an illusion of a part
Which was never really needed to begin with,
You just wanted to be needed.
That's your secret need, isn't it?
To be wanted? Needed? To BELONG?
To belong like that is your home, your nest,
Somewhere no one can chase you away from
No matter what the cost.
Silly girl.
That place will never be.
You knew this as your reality,
You still chose to believe the dream.
And now you cry,
In a corner of a lonely bed,
Feeling sorry for yourself.
Pathetic little girl,
You never learn your lesson, do you?
No one wants you.
Not even you.

Rapture

I see your shy smile,
Looking at my person
While being teased
In the same room,

I see you captivated,
Looking at my face
While creating ecstasy
Sitting on your lap,

And I watch you with rapture
At everything you do,
From waking up to falling asleep,
Every night the same bed,

Rapture at your smile,
The smile, that grin,
Your face, your body,
At the way you move,

And then I feel you missing,
You missing the feelings you knew
Then even through those signs you give
I know this rapture is not shared by you.

Could you...

Could you fall into me one day,
We'll lie side by side
Not knowing where we collide;

Could you take me slowly,
Like gentle waves kissing the shore
Leave me wanting me more;

Would you choose me every day,
Even when you're angry please
Would you choose to stay;

Would you tell me you love me one day
Broken pieces joined with gold
This dusty diamond on the side of the road;

Could you let me love you, if nothing else
Spellbound and addicted to your touch
Just let me love you, if nothing else.

Cold feet

What does love mean to you?
A kiss to a rose you grew?
Your cat greeting you at the door?
What does this word mean?
We have given it a lot of nuances,
Yet none seem to add up to a meaning.
What does love mean to you?
Enjoying a debate with old dad?
Helping your mom to make lunch?
What does this word mean,
When you're standing at the altar
And you are getting cold feet,
You're staring at the woman who is meant to be -
Your kiss from a rose,
Your favourite boring day,
Your burnt dinner after a long day,
Maybe even tears during those weeks,
An emergency rush to the doctor,
The one who greets you at the door -
But you just don't know what to tell her.
And she's trusting you.
What does love mean to you?
Spending time with this woman?
But you spend time with parents too,
Let's not forget your babies who wait
Day in and day out for you to get home.
What does love mean to you?
Writing a story that makes people cry?
And when you are still at the altar
She's waiting for you to say, "I do"
And the words just don't come out -
The priest is prompting you,
You break out in cold sweat,
Considering the endless number of days,
Days and fights and tears and screams,
And may be some happy scenes.
She is looking at you, she's smiling,
She is the only one not prompting -
Shouldn't she be the one asking?
She is mouthing something silently,
(What is that?)
She loves you and it's ok,
Doesn't need to be now or ever,
Only just as long as you want it to be.
What does love mean?
You find yourself telling her now,
"I love you," and the crowd applauds.
She is still smiling and says the same.
What does love mean?
You're telling them, her, "I'm not ready."
Everyone is shocked, silent
She is smiling, head tilted, looking at you.
All of a sudden, you're running down the aisle.
Away. With her.
Because you think you love her.

So where are you running to?

Sparks of insanity

Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
There is no reason to hold back,
I am just letting myself feel you.
And you to feel me.
You are warm. I'm cold.
Cold as the now hardened soul within me.
Your love seems odd to me,
A tribute to the remnant of yesterday's me.
This is all about me in case you haven't noticed,
Nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with the way I exalt,
The way I adore, every touch of you.
It shouldn't be this easy to turn my back
And walk away from so much love,
All that care, all that insanity where I found peace.
I am calm in your storm.
I was so quiet when you thunder.
I had become so used to your loving violence
That every hailstone is a brick I throw at myself
While digging my grave and bringing you gold -
I was calm in your storm.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
I test them out on you -
I tell you I want out of this loving cage
Where I am eating chocolate cake
Drowned in strawberry shake
Without complaint.
Well I complain now that I hate it.
Sparks of insanity rush through my fingertips
And I wish you never read this -
Because it would never be as easy to stop,
As easy as it is to die in paper,
To tell you the truth.
And to turn the other way.

Almost

I almost called you yesterday, but you called me instead.
I almost asked you to stay, then you asked me not to leave.
I almost shouted at the profanity
Of what our love has become,
Yet you still call it sacred
And think it will solve all your problems.
That I will solve all your problems.
I almost did.
I almost also walked away,
I almost also thought of myself before you,
I almost gave myself priority,
I almost asked you to leave
Because me loving you does NOT,
It does not let you decide how I love;
And now I am too scared to ask you to leave.
Because if I do, I don't know how you will be.
Fine or even better I suppose.
I want you to be free of me,
This crippling clutch, your magic genie.
But please choose to let this genie go,
Before she crumbles in this loneliness that you call love.

One night stand

- So how was it?

- Not what I expected. 

- You were off the entire time. We didn't have to do this if you didn't want to.

- He thinks I'm in love with you and I'm not.

- Why does it matter?

- I love him, not you.

- I know. Yet you're here in bed with me.

- I know. The idea of you was too appealing for me not to try.

- Same here... Will he understand any of this though?

- This?

- This sapiosexual attraction that was there the moment we spoke to each other. The high we're getting off each other by just spending time talking about things most people will be bored by at this age. The kick that we're getting off being around another person we consider an intellectually better being. The physical intimacy that has nothing to do with sex and which is made better out of the fact that we keep it like a game of strategy and pleasure.

- And that this has nothing to do with love. Because I love him and you are still in love with her.

- Yes. Of course I am.

- Why do you love her?

- She made me... She brought out the best and worst in me. The connection was electric and chemical. Instant. We just knew.

- How was the sex?

- Pain and pure pleasure. She was far more experienced. But I knew it was special for her just as much as it was for me.

- I hope you meet her again.

- I will. I will find her. I want to ask you something.

- Ask away.

- Why him? It makes no sense. You don't even hang out in the same circles or company.

- He... He is my better half. He makes me a better person even if he brings out the worst in me at times. He... I never felt this sort of connection with anyone else. It isn't the oxytocin talking. I can't break down what I have with him into chemicals and wiring... He makes me feel drunk and sober, like I'm on a permanent high of heroin and caffeine, like I can do anything even if I am alone because he believes in me, he makes me feel brave. I would have never sacrificed my self interests like my career and studies for anyone or anything. I did it in a heartbeat and I might do it again if it meant an improvement in welfare. I feel like I belong and like a stranger with him. Like a friend and a mistress and a wife. When we touch, I want the pain and I want the love and he gives me both and every second he lets me know that I am valued. He knows my silences. I wish I understood him half as well. He reads me like an open book. It is electric and soft with him. Like... I'm blabbering, amn't I? Sorry.

- Ha. You love him. I understand. But why?

- He is kind. He is brave. He is rich at heart and knows the world that doesn't know or see him. He is a gentleman and a rascal. Loyal. Diffident and confident. He is what I thought love would not be like but is. He knows the world in ways I don't and I admire that. I want him. I need him with me. I can't explain why I love him.

- I think you did.

- I told you what I think of him. But why I love him, I don't know. I can't explain.

- Your phone?

- It's him!

- Are you going to answer it?

- Yes... Hello... Yes... I'm fine. You? Ok... Ok. I'm going to sleep then. No, I didn't do anything special tonight. I miss you. Goodnight. Love you too.

- Why didn't you tell him I'm here?

- He won't understand. I don't understand it that well myself.

- A social experiment I guess. That's what we are. A test at probability. Maybe in another situation, another time, some other circumstances, we may have been lovers.

- I doubt that.

- Why not?

- I won't love you. My attraction is to the idea of you and not you. Sorry.

- Ah. Ok. 

- I'm sorry. I'm not attracted to you... We're too alike, you know?

- It's ok. Never got that reaction from a girl before. And I've been with a lot.

- First time for everything. I think you should get going.

- Hug?

- Ok.

- Take care then. Take care of yourself.

- I will. This is the last time I will see you. So. Goodbye. Stay safe.

- Fine. Goodnight.

- Night.

Sinful

​Though my heart has broken whenever I have loved,
For him to ask me to love only him
Is a sin, a crime, I cannot allow.

Though this is the way I have chosen to go,
If he asks me to leave with him alone,
I might still say no.

I have no answers to his questions,
I have no answers to your tears,
I have no answers for myself either

Other than that I fear,
I fear I love life and people too much
To have a single lover forever,

And this maybe my shortcoming, my sin,
That I cannot be anyone's but their kin.

Lost and Found

​I'm no longer the person I used to be,
The story we dreaded came to be,
The person you were, I used to know,
Echos of sadness sound in these halls -

There is no more of reckless abandon,
The endless messages on phone,
The love letters on white lined papers
Kept safe, untouched since our loss,

I wish you'd recognise this person again,
Just as I hope to realise our love again,
This house feels so empty, we're two strangers now,
Marriage doesn't seem all so rosy now.

There's a child in the crib crying for love,
Our vacant eyes just stare at each other untouched,
I reach for the child, the cries fades away,
Maybe we gained more in our decision to stay this way?

The child in my arms reach for you as well,
It knows nothing of the cold war between two beds,
It was conceived by love and born to hate
Which indifference has replaced of late.

The child is with you now, she has your eyes,
My thick hair, fair skin and childish smile,
Easy laughter, she got from you
Are we going to break her too?

The greyness of my skin, the chalky touch of your hands,
Our last few days? We need to make plans,
Our pain seeping through the sheets,
We hold hands...

More promises made, a few tears shed,
We're no longer the teenagers who wrestled in bed,
Two adults, workers, spouses, parents
Labels on labels that don't make sense

We're no longer those whom we used to be,
We have to create a new story for three,
A better story, less of a war,
Where we're close and not this far...

There is a light now in your brown eyes,
The golden streaks now seem to shine,
Your touch is gentle, it doesn't hurt anymore,
Everything seems different from before.

Our child between us, safe and sound
Our love renewed, lost then found.

A need to stay

so I want to float dead, weightless infinite on a wasted green of a sea whose coast I've barely touched

and I want to look at an endless blue sky without a single silver lining or even a puff of white hope while black feathers and scrawny bodies hover around me hoping for a meal while a rough yellow mist comes flying from a distance

and I want to sit on a seat to nowhere with a new name, a new face with no plans and the liberty to be happy with an i-don't-know

and I want to sink into an eternal sleep to elsewhere where I'm a princess cutting up frozen enemies and then boiling their pieces in a kitchen fit for a pauper

and I want to be understood and not felt because I don't feel and I only think and this seems wrong but when right and wrong are so subjective I think feeling is a crime for which we pay a million times

and every time I feel to run and surround myself in a dream so I want to float dead, weightless infinite on a wasted green of a sea whose coast I've barely touched

and I want to look at an endless blue sky without a single silver lining or even a puff of white hope while black feathers and scrawny bodies hover around me hoping for a meal while a rough yellow mist comes flying from a distance

and I want to sit on a seat to nowhere with a new name, a new face with no plans and the liberty to be happy with an i-don't-know

and I want to sink into an eternal sleep to elsewhere where I'm a princess cutting up frozen enemies and then boiling their pieces in a kitchen fit for a pauper

and I want to be understood and not felt because I don't feel and I only think and this seems wrong but when right and wrong are so subjective I think feeling is a crime for which we pay a million times

and every time I feel like running and surrounding myself in a dream with no expectations, explanations or expenses of any kind where I am me in all my literal and metaphoric sense in all unfeeling warm understanding

remembering you makes me stay back in blessed pain -

blessed only because I see you twice a day

and my dreams seem like unnecessary spaces where my loneliness crowds in disguised as solitude

when all I want is to die to end an existence of hunger and what-ifs

yet I keep choosing to live and not merely exist

because the sight of you

twice a day

makes me think of butterflies, rainbows and afternoon rainstorms and of growing a tap root instead of runners

and not of -

infinite existence and survival for the sake of it -

clear blue skies of hungry dark spirits waiting to be fed -

a seat to nowhere and being without any strings attached -

or an eternal sleep with the magic in me pulsing through my hand as red and grey

you make me think of staying

Where are you?

Where are you? When I'm calling to home and when I'm alone on the floor.

Where are you? When the fog isn't clearing and the river is nearby, and I don't know how to swim.

Where are you? When the sun is setting and I'm looking around for the hand I used to hold.

Where are you? When the magic of rain doesn't hold any magic for me anymore...

Where are you?
Behind me and around me,
encompassing me in fluid desire to name
this person as a home where I can stay
without fear, without restraint,
where I may sleep held safely
in a boat of your arms and body
and beautiful golden brown eyes
shining, lighting the path ahead
not alone.

Style ..

She used to be quite good with words,
Not a single feeling escaped her pen
And if you cut her, she would bleed -
Black with despair, sadness,
Haunted with memories of Others,
She would bleed black and then
Weave a web of her own making in
Infinite words and phrases that
Don't have an end and run-away
Sentences.

Run away. She always just ran away,
From notions of love and passion
That wasn't dark enough,
That wasn't deep enough
Like a night sky full of storms -
Till you came along and
Seeing your red tshirt and blue jeans
She rephrased her sentences and it all
Became. Very. Short.

From then it was just -
Smile, the curve on his face.
Grin, his lighting up the night.
Red, his tshirt, shirt, blood and heart.
Blue, his jeans, his watch, his flip-flops.
Love, when he turns to her in RBGs.
She didn't need much and her flavours
Changed so much, her dark friend faded
And everything was light.

Then she found beer.
Beer which made him feel different.
Beer which was brown but made
Him, the dark friend, appear.
Beer which made him in RBGs seem
A bit faded and then delusionary
And then colourful and then a bright
Yellow spot in a night sky
Which swallowed her up and made
Run-away sentences again leading
Her nowhere except back into His arms,
Whose?

Then she found love again.
She found love again with RBGs,
And a black belt, silvery buckle,
New shoes, new look, he was going out.
She felt red was wonderful and then
She tried to describe it.
She fell wordlessly asleep with His name
On her lips and him forgotten.

She wasn't so good with words since then
But,
She started living in a different way.
Instead of in stories and words and phrases,
She started living the days, each one
Finding more treasures and worlds
Than her words took her to and all
In RBGs and not
Black and white. Not again.

The December of Lies

In December:
Where does your line begin and where does mine end?
Where do we stop merging and individually begin?
When did this start, the melange of the two?
Why did this start, One loving and being Two?

Where does your story begin and where is mine?
I thought we had the same love story, you and I,
I was broken beyond repair, you cured me like it was nothing,
You didn't need me at all, yet you need me without knowing how.

And then:
Why this imposition of love suddenly when it was all a free flow?
Why are we suddenly different and you're One, I'm Two?
Where did the wall come from, where did the melange stop?
Why this test of domination between equals, Two is lost and now less?

We used to shuttle back and forth, you and I.
We used to count all the stars in the sky.
Now we're counting the tears shed from our eyes,
Now we're counting the days back to the December of lies.

Pensée introvertie

This happiness could just be
A brightly coloured bubble
Or a green-gray grenade waiting
To explode in our faces.

This lull right now
Could be the calm before a storm
And the winds are already picking up
And the waves are already crashing down.

You tell me not to worry about
Yesterday or tomorrow but
What is there in today other than
A lot of past,
A lot of future,
A second of present.

You kiss me and it is already past.
You kiss me and we're already in the future.
You kiss me so is it only now?

Endless caution and anxiety
Feeds into each other and makes me
Want to find my loneliness again.
Not my solitude.
Not my escape.
But my loneliness, again.

Holding

Hold me.
Just hold me and let me be.

Let me be the the little girl I forgot
Way back when the 2nd millennium began.

Let me be the awkward teenager
Whose curiosity was worse than a cat.

Let me be the young woman who values work
As though it is her way to salvation.

Let me be your princess and your queen
And everything else you need, in love.

But hold me.
And I will hold you.

Let you be the little boy in grubby shorts
Out in the sun instead of in class.

Let you be the awkward teenager who couldn't
Care less about the world than it did for him.

Let you be the young man wandering and wondering
In search of what he is to be and become.

Let you be my prince and my king when it is time
Because there are no questions, not in love.

And I'll hold you
So tell me this if

We let ourselves be anyone we want then
Could we still be lovers to each other
while being strangers to ourselves?

----
My eyes stray nowhere else.
The lion's golden brown eyes devoured the soul of a patient bull.
----

It seems easier now

It seems easier now.
Though these flowers
seem duller,
Though these trees
seem darker,
Though these clothes
seem shabbier.

But it is easier now.
Without waiting
for a call,
Without waiting
for a word,
Without waiting
for a smile.

It is easier now.
After walking away,
Leaving the past in the past.
It's easier now.
That you've really told me to go,
And my heart is already on the floor.

I realise this,
That I should have
left a long time ago.

Directed

Blooming, withering, falling;
Growing, ageing, dying;
Watching, waiting, wondering;
Hoping, dreaming, loving;
Lying, cheating, failing;
Flowers fallen, trees dead,
Hopes awakened, love given,
Hearts broken, Fate unyielding.

Life goes on anyway.