Precious

I love him like a wound,
Like a pain in my head
That makes me see stars,
That makes me hope for better days.

I love him like a disease
That I don't want my body to throw away,
Like spots on my face which mark me.

I love him like I love the dark
And yet fear it at the same time,
For it swallows me whole each night.

I love him like a nightmare and a daydream,
Those I can't wake up from and confuse me,
Scare me, scar me, become my tragedy -

Because he is my addiction
Who comes in a bottle with a cigarette in hand,
Who wakes up like time is of no matter,

Who doesn't realize that my each stolen second with him is

Precious.

Healing

Stolen kisses under a moonlit sky, mosquitoes buzzing annoyingly nearby, whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears, yet silence was deepest and most dear.
Silent actions mimicking few words, a slap across the face with the sound going unheard, tears flowing freely as whispers are angry, a push, a shove, a crack and disappear.
Another starry sky with a bottle and cigarette shared, huddled together in their own small lair, his arms are protecting, comforting, apologizing, but her cheek is still bruised yet now healing.

High

- aftermath of getting too involved in a book : No Way To Say Goodbye by Anna McPartlin.

#HIGH

Is this what it is to get high?
Tell me love, how that comes by.

I lived in a day.

A woman's pain and gain
I saw all her sorrows and stains,
As a man, an addict
Thinking *high* never had a limit,
Children seeing that love
Will not or ever last,
That death would claim it
Or it would come to pass.

An alcoholic, a junkie,
A victim of rape.

I'm on a high of my own terrain.

On a smell, a rustle that took me away
Away from another night alone in the rain,
You gave me my escape love,
You gave me my escape.
But like the story,
Are we too eventually to fade?
If we do, I hope we relight another night,
A bed, a whiskey bottle, soft songs to sing.

Maybe another time and another day,
For I know from your smoke, we are on different ways .

Destructive

Part of a conversation I had with a friend. The question was "Why is it like that?" That being why we sometimes fall in love with the person you least expect yourself to be in love with. And this was the reply.

"I am totally lost to a guy who is the epitome of what I was and am scared of and fear and dislike. And yet he makes me look beyond the hazy smoky exterior to a blinding chaos of colours which is inside, which is what I never expected to find anywhere, which can calm me and excite me, which can quite well destroy me because I have given up so much...that he doesn't know or pretends he doesn't know.

That is a person with whom I never expected to fall in love.

It can happen. Sometimes. But it happens.

It's not why it should be like that. It's sometimes like that. No one knows why I guess :)"

It was raining

It was raining when
I first saw you walking
Alone with a smoke as company.
It was raining when
I spied you outside my window
Still a smoke in your hand
And a thoughtful expression.
It was raining when
You first found me
In my hiding spot in tears.
It was raining when
You pulled me close
And asked, Why?
It was raining when
You asked me if
I want a smoke.
And it was still raining
When I said, No.

And I never saw you again.

Misplaced Love : One who loved and lost

Nothing goes unnoticed
So little goes unmarked
Much goes unadressed
All goes as planned.

I see the fire in your eyes
The fire that doesn‘t burn for me
I see that fire growing bright
I wish that it would be for me.

I wait to see you open up
To lay bare your heart, not just your chest
Cryptic and cold, so close and so far away
I still wait for you with the pain of one bereft.

Nothing goes unnoticed
So little goes unmarked
Tell me where you hide your secrets
Tell me why you hide your scars.

Much goes unaddressed
The longings of your soul
The silent calls I wish to answer
Yet somehow you let me go.

All goes as planned
When you finally push me away
Tell me why you keep me
When you know we‘re no longer the same.

I can still see that fire, darling
It is still burning high
Why can‘t it be me darling
When I‘m the one you call wife.

You lay bare your chest every night
We are joined yet aloof
What is the point of this charade
Other than to leave us without a roof.

So cold and so far away
No matter how hard I try
Why did I marry you husband
When your love feels like a lie.

Where is the other you desire
I care not if it be man or woman
But all I see is endless smoke
Surrounding you till heavens.

I gave nothing but love
And now I can only offer grief
For I have nothing left to call my own
Even my flower has been taken from me.

Old age gives no comfort husband
When you have to live together alone
Or maybe it is just me who is lonely
Your mistress will substitute your weak wife over all.

The glimpses of your smile still strike me
It makes me younger than I am now
Yet all you offer is some pain to me
And I greedily snatch it all.

Shush... _3

“Shush, it‘s ok. Lie down here, on my lap. Come.“
“But...“
“Come.“
“But I stink. You hate it.“
“Thank your luck because a cold blocked my nose halfway. I can‘t smell anything very strong. Lie down. You‘ll feel better.“
“Ok.“
He fell back on to her lap and closed his eyes. His head was buzzing. She must be speaking very softly because it sounded like a normal volume to him and in his current state... every sensation was amplified. So the shock he felt when soft, full lips brushed against his forehead was magnified tenfold. A slight shiver ran down his spine at the sensations running wild over his skin.

His eyes remained closed. She decided he had fallen asleep. Then it wouldn‘t hurt to just experiment. To just see if the spark was there. If there was ever even a possibility. His breathing was even. No one was around at that time of high noon. She gently kissed him on his lips.

There were no words to say. They didn‘t need words. His hand came up and tangled itself in her hair, holding her face in place. The first kiss, supposed to be a small test, became a full experiment... between them both.

Slowly, he let her loose and she came back to her sitting position. He turned himself to face away from her, his head still on her lap.

She sat stiff and erect, mortified by what just happened. Her reaction to him and his reaction to her had been incredible. ‘Like carbonate in HCl‘, whispered the geek in her and she found herself stopping a smile. This was not right.

The past two weeks... he had been there more than her other friends. In fact, last few days she hadn‘t even felt like being with anyone much and had pushed everyone off... except him. What made him special? Not the looks, not the arrogant demeanor and not the cutthroat style of dealing with her. It couldn‘t be. Or may be it was the fact nobody else dared to be like that with her. And no other guy had dealt with her with this kind of self-confidence to take what he wanted and give back so much in return. So many possibilities. Such a complicated person with so many sides. She still felt the imprint of his gentle minstrations from yesterday. But the question she had no real answer to was why her.

His head was buzzing. He wasn‘t thinking rationally. Such a gentle girl, he shouldn‘t end up causing her more hurt when she had enough going on in her life. But he had found all that out just recently. Quite recently. She had been everyone‘s last resort. Someone who would quietly listen if you were genuinely upset and offer solutions. The practical one. So this Impractical move was quite unexpected from her. It was clear even in his addled mind that she was giving an unspoken answer to his unasked question from yesterday. And it was quite sure that she wouldn‘t let it repeat either. He groaned. Why on earth had he drunk himself to oblivion last night? To quench his burning desire to be with a certain someone maybe.

His groan caught her attention. She was sure it was louder than what he expected it to be. She placed a firm hand on his shoulder and asked, “Are you ok? Do you need anything?“
‘Can I say : “Yeah, you“ ?‘, he mused and croaked out,“Water...“
“Ok, here you go“, she replied, fishing out a bottle from her small satchel which was next to her.
“Thanks“, he sat up and drank thirstily. His throat was parched. He stank even to himself. He could see her, Feel her controlling her small coughs caused by the stench of cigarette smoke that clung to his shirt. He was not in a good state. But all he wanted was to be near her... it was comforting somehow, her presence.

Shush... _2

“Shush, it‘s ok“, he whispered, his mouth next to her ear. Now both her hands were under his, his body half-pinning her down under him. She tensed.
“Please...No.“
He paused for a beat, continuing the momentary contact of his lips with the soft hair... and then moved back to his side and lay down. ‘What was I thinking?‘, he wondered and then told himself mockingly,‘Absolutely nothing.‘

‘I‘m not in a good state of mind now. We should leave. I shouldn‘t let him kiss me anywhere‘, she warned herself but still remained next to his warmth, unmoving and silent. There wasn‘t anything to be done. In both of their minds, their mutual reactions were being read as lust - pure and simple, triggered by the circumstances and the environment they were in. Suddenly a phone started beeping.

“Hello?“, his voice sounded more gruff than usual and he had no explanations.

His tersely spoken ‘Hello‘ made her more tense. ‘Now what?‘, she looked at his face trying to gauge his reaction in the dimly lit night. Abruptly, he cut the call with an “Okay“, equally terse as his ‘Hello‘. But he was generally perceived as rough-and-tough, no-nonsense guy. He pushed himself up and pulled her up as well without any preamble.
“We‘re going to our respective rooms. Ok?“, it was more of dry statement than a question. An order worded to seem like a request. At that moment, being quite lost in her mind, she just nodded. He walked her back to her studio apartment.
“Goodnight“, he turned to leave.
“Wait, what happened? Who called?“, she spoke out loud suprising herself even with the strength and clarity of her voice.
“It was my friend. I‘m going to go drink. We bought booze earlier this evening.“
She bit her lip and then said quietly after a moment‘s hesitation,“Please be careful.“

He watched her slight frame stand in the doorway with a worried expression. A loving expression. He sighed. He looked at her face one last time and turned away. He couldn‘t. He wouldn‘t. He shouldn‘t accept her offer of love. It will just come back to bite him in the behind, he knew.

“I‘m going to drink and smoke. It‘s what I do at times. See you.“

Watching his retreating figure, she hoped morning would come soon. And it did. She found herself in the same park, in the same spot alone. Trying to figure out if last night was real or not. A figure in rumpled clothing and shades dropped down on the grass next to her. She could smell the whisky on his breath still strong even though it was nearly noon.
“Take off your shades.“
“I don‘t think that‘s a good idea.“
“Just take it off.“
Her quiet order had him taking off his purple tinted shades to reveal dark-rimmed red eyes.
“I‘m sorry.“
“You look creepy, but no, don‘t wear the shades with me. Don‘t hide from me.“
“I swear to you, I have never got this drunk my whole life and I have been drinking for quite a few years now. It‘s scary for me too.“
She watched his face with soft concern in her eyes. His bloodshot eyes, rumpled clothes from last night, the telltale smell and his evident fatigue made her stomach clench. She wanted to take care of him and the feeling was very strong. It didn‘t feel like he was just a friend. She caressed his face with her fingers, feeling the morning stubble and pulled it close.

Shush... _1

“Shush, I don‘t want to say anymore.“
“You don‘t have to.“
An owl hooted on the nearby tree as they lay on the grass and stared up at the stars. His fingers touched hers quietly seeking to give comfort. His hand fell over hers and squeezed. For few more moments, the silence lay like a blanket over them, caressing and lulling them. She turned to face him.
“Hey.“
“Yes?“
“Why are you holding my hand?“
He turned to face her. They lay face to face on the hard grass oblivious to the discomfort. “Why?“
“Because it feels right.“
“Hmm?“
“It feels good when I hold your hand.“
“Oh. Ok.“
The invisible blanket fell over them again. Streetlight reflected on his jet black hair and his eyes gleamed golden brown. She closed her eyes tightly, drinking in the memory. Saving it for later. Obviously it couldn‘t last. She felt a warm hand on her waist, pulling her closer. ‘What is happening?‘, she mused and held back tears that threatened to spill over.

Her face was in the shadows but her hazel brown eyes glinted in the dim light. Her soft black hair fell in waves over her shoulders. ‘Beautiful... But this would never work‘, he told himself. Too beautiful to be trusted. Yet... When those eyes suddenly gleamed with a sheen of tears to come and then hid behind dark lids, dark from many sleepless nights... His hands, his body seemed to develop a mind of its own. He had never felt like protecting someone this way, so intense... And his hand found a way to her waist where it lay like a puzzle piece which had found its other half.
“May I hold you?“, a whispered question he couldn‘t believe was leaving his mouth. A slight rustling of grass and a small, lithe body lay snuggled into his. Finally accepting the bit of comfort he offered.
“The past doesn‘t matter. Let it go, it will be ok.“
Her eyes opened and looked straight at his. Their faces were an inch apart. Suddenly they froze.

She held her breath. He was just a friend.

He held his breath. She was just a friend. Then he lifted his face and kissed her forehead. He sat up and offered his hand.

He touched his lips to her forehead with a feather-light touch that spoke volumes to her. He pushed himself up and offered a hand to pull her up which she dazedly accepted.

They sat on the grass with their blanket of silence wrapped around them comfortably. Their eyes were on a street lamp across the garden from them but seeing something else.

They were in different worlds.

“Let‘s go. It‘s past 11.30“, her soft words shook him from his reverie. Her face bore no signs of sadness of any kind. It was back to the cool, soft features with the hard, dry eyes. The only part that betrayed any sign of fatigue were her dark-rimmed eyes. As he watched, she stood up.

‘Please don‘t betray me‘, she prayed. To him or herself, she wasn‘t sure. She wanted badly to just let go. To let go in his strong, lean arms which would protect her when she was vulnerable. She stood up saying, ‘Let‘s go‘. But that was what she wanted in the least. It would have been a chance to continue to spin the magic of the night. Her eyes were on his broad feet. ‘He has hair on his feet‘, she noted the light sprinkling of dark hair over his feet.

He looked up at her silhouette. She was standing against the light but he thought he could make out a slight trembling. He caught her wrist and said a clear “No. Stay.“

She caught her breath when he caught her wrist and it came out in a rush at his next words, “No. Stay.“
“Why?“
“Because you want to.“
“What?!“
“Because we want to. Stay.“
“No... It‘s...“
“Come. Lie down.“
“I... Ok. Ok. Only for a little while.“
“Half an hour?“
“Fine.“

She sat down and lay back on the grass, her heart thudding. He sat and watched her. She was in the light. Her hair was messed up and pieces of grass stuck in it. Her face was pale making her dark circles look like greyish bruises around her eyes. Her lips were the palest of pinks, almost white. The rise and fall of her chest was too even as though controlled. Her arms were folded and kept on her belly. He couldn‘t take his eyes off this thin wraith-like waif of a friend. He took one small, delicate hand in his rough one and kissed the inside slowly, his eyes on her face. Her breath hitched and she tried to feebly take her hand. He let it go and turned and bent such that he was on top and gazing down at her. Her face registered shock for a moment before her lips curled into a slow smile,“Just what do you think you are doing?“
“Nothing“, he replied and bent his head towards her.

The Mistress

The usual and only question, why?
Was I not enough or is it about you?
I see you find her more seductive
But can't you see her killing you?

Her slenders fingers wrap around,
Curling wistfully and fading :
A hope to become real.
I see this in front of me.

My heart breaks, I reject all,
For I can't bear this sight of you and her!
How can I? She is like your mistress,
A quick fix, a small light in the dark.

A bittersweet alliance I wish you'd leave
Because I am starting to wonder
If it's I who is the mistress or she,
Since you met her long before me.