Untitled #8

Can you love this side of me?
The one I don't let anyone see,
The one that chokes and hopes to die,
Can you love this part of me?
That isn't happy all the time,
That's gonna wanna stay the night?

You'll have a hard time making sense of this:
Understanding a desperate masochist,
I try going out of my head and mind,
Just to get out of bed sometimes.

Can you love this side of me?
The one that looks like it might cry,
The one that didn't need bait to bite,
Can you love this part of me?
That screams in agony,
That chokes for air to breathe?

But why would you do this time,
It's like being in jail but outside,
Why would you help me breathe?
If I'm the one who's choking me.

Maybe I hit my head,
Maybe I was raised to be left,
And if you're looking for a fairytale,
Open another book and walk away.

But can you try to love this part of me?
I'm choking but I'd like to breathe,
I'm gasping but I want to breathe,
Can you love this side of me?
The one ruling the paradox of me,
The one I don't let anyone else see.

Untitled #7

I wish I hadn't told you I was ready on a whim
I wish I hadn't done so many things I did
This year has been nothing but a mess
Of emotions, of changes, of STUFF I'd love to forget

I wish I could take my words back
I wish I could push you away
But I'd wish the same time for you to pull me back
To reel me into safety of sanity's shore
When I'm floating away on blood and gore

My skin is grey and pink
My scars are an angry red
I've never let them rest
Cutting them open till they cease to resist

My arms are trembling
I will not stop
Every part of me screams YES
But one corner says no

This pain will make me comatose.

Comatose Home

I don't feel like coming home.
Even though I thought "home"
Was never home without you and yet,
I don't feel like coming home
When there is so much doubt on change,
And there are new responsibilities to consider,
When secrets have been divulged without any care;
And it doesn't feel like home is with you.
It feels like home has been displaced,
It feels like home has disappeared into that space,
Between life and death, comatose;
Home has turned into something
That no longer exists,
Except in the dark recesses of my mind,
Where everyone else ceases to exist.

September love

I thought someday, someone,
A man would make me feel
That this world is mine;
And then you came along
Blown in my face by a September wind,
Hot like a bonfire made for my December,
(December was the only month I ever lived)
You held my hand and -
I learnt that I am complete without another (hu)man,
I learnt of months existing without the hailstorm,
I learnt to feel the heat and get wet in the rains,
To leave caution to the winds and let love breeze in;
Like you did, to show me a universe of mine.
Ours.

Choking myself

Choking myself

Sounds scary but,

It is what I love,

To take control,

Instead of submit,

To the bestial horrors,

Of the everyday world;

The futility of existence,

The numbing nothingness,

All of which chokes us,

Makes us forget to breathe,

Dares us to succumb,

While we just keep running away,

Trying to keep it at bay.

What for?

What for?

I'll take control,

I'll choke myself,

My small fingers turn and twist

And PRESS and CRUSH

My windpipe -

It screams bloody murder.

It screams for air;

Then the moment of blank blackness!

That epilogue of white!

I'm floating!

I'm dragged back down,

From high up above?

Cruel doctors!

You say damage to my windpipe,

You say damage to my brain,

You call me mad and I call you insane!

Because I'm willing to jump into the unknown
That you all ignore and are scared to accept
And then choke me with your oxygen, your horrors.

Let me go
Let me go
Let me go

Futility

There are no more miles to go
All I want is to sleep,
I can see those last few metres
I'm just letting it wait ;
Once I finish this race,
There's no turning back -
There are no more miles to go
All I want is to sleep.
No prince charming or fairy godmother
Will wake me up
When there's no one to wake up to,
When it's not worth living for anymore;
I can take a bullet for you!
I can die for you in your place!
Because I don't have anything to live for ;
Emptiness is a hard weight,
I'm fighting to understand nothing,
The nothingness in my head is drowning
Me.
Let me sleep.
Just a few more metres to go,
My miles are up and I'm ready to go
Into the waiting bed of no return,
An endless sleep where my existence
Remains the same as it is now -
Futile.

Naïveté

I let him take parts of me
That were never meant to be taken,
I let him shove expectations and promises
Deep down my throat till my resolve weakened,
I started thinking it is my duty -
To be pushed around and treated
Like a pensive bin: of his thoughts,
His dreams, his desires, his needs,
His wants, his expectations,
His Expectations.
I realised it too late that I was a fountain,
Set out to cascade over mountains,
Carve and start a river, make a sea;
I spat out the false promises too late,
I realised late my true duty and fate,
I had let him take those parts of me
That were never meant to be taken,
But now those promises and expectations
Finally mean nothing.

Belonging

Stupid, stupid girl.
You actually thought that you belonged in this place where your name has no meaning.
Silly girl.
Hasn't it always been the same?
Fake?
Watching from shiny window panes into a world beyond your grasp,
Thinking you're a part of it and then you bump into glass.
Stupid, stupid girl.
You knew you shouldn't have stayed to begin with,
You knew you'd get attached,
You're never able to decide the line and look,
You never last.
You were just an illusion of a part
Which was never really needed to begin with,
You just wanted to be needed.
That's your secret need, isn't it?
To be wanted? Needed? To BELONG?
To belong like that is your home, your nest,
Somewhere no one can chase you away from
No matter what the cost.
Silly girl.
That place will never be.
You knew this as your reality,
You still chose to believe the dream.
And now you cry,
In a corner of a lonely bed,
Feeling sorry for yourself.
Pathetic little girl,
You never learn your lesson, do you?
No one wants you.
Not even you.

Rapture

I see your shy smile,
Looking at my person
While being teased
In the same room,

I see you captivated,
Looking at my face
While creating ecstasy
Sitting on your lap,

And I watch you with rapture
At everything you do,
From waking up to falling asleep,
Every night the same bed,

Rapture at your smile,
The smile, that grin,
Your face, your body,
At the way you move,

And then I feel you missing,
You missing the feelings you knew
Then even through those signs you give
I know this rapture is not shared by you.

Flip the birdie

When the world is big and bright,
There will always be others,
Trying to steal your light,
Simply because they have no other work in life,
So let's not be idiots or fools,
Or naive little tools,
To their jealousy and social conformity,
But let us continue being big girls!
In our big, bright worlds!
And give zero birdies to them!
(Or maybe just one,
But only to shit on them :P)

~ dedicated to a girl friend with much love without whom I cannot imagine office hours ^_^

Response

I do not want to respond.
Fingers rake my hair,
Twist it and pull,
I do not want to respond.
Skin dragged off my bones,
My flesh kneaded like dough,
I do not want to respond.
My legs pushed into a curl,
Take all the love I never gave as a girl,
I do not want to respond.
An end result of confusion,
A pretty bundle of pain disguised as joy,
It's too late to want to respond now.

Untitled #6

#confondue

Never caught a feeling this hard,
Harder than all the liquor I've poured,
Tell me you'll want me ever more,
Tell me cause I can't let go.
Everybody told me so,
Feeling like I sold my soul,
To a devil made of gold.

Even though there's no one left to come...

Even though there's no one left to come,
I still like to wait and hope that someone would find me
At the end of this road.
Spring accidentally visited me a few times,
Having lost her way,
As such are these visits, unplanned and abrupt,
She never lets flowers bloom on my way.
My only constant visits me once a year,
Monsoon renews me with hope,
Of someone who might come,
Or probably never come but still,
I still I like to hope and wait,
So I leave my doors half open every night,
Every day, anxious not to miss that visit,
And this evening, in the darkest hour,
I heard hesistant footsteps coming along the way,
I rejoiced and ran to my door,
My hopeful black eyes stared up the road,
Only to realise the lost traveller was retracing his steps
And that no one is left to come.

Toxic

Blood runs cold around now,
It used to feel like fire before,
We both burnt too fast, too high
Lightning struck and ashes fell
And before we knew
It was toxic as hell.

After forever

I'm not the first person you loved.
I'm not the first person you looked at,
Heart pounding, body sweating,
With a mouthful of hopeful forevers.

Neither are you the first person I loved,
The first person I looked at,
Cheeks flaming, eyes daring to meet eyes,
Lips trembling with hopeful forevers.

No. We're not the first for romance.
I've grown thorns and you've grown leaves,
I became a steady creeper,
Whereas you became a stolid tree;

Too high, a bit untouchable,
Too slippery, roots too strong to uproot.
Maybe we needed to grow flowers,
Bear some fruits, before offering love.

Now I look at you and you look at me
Over a green table top and a coffee mug,
Burnt toast, make the same agreement never kept,
That Nutella is too bad, too expensive, never buy it again.

And I will have no forevers to offer you.
Instead, I'll creep over your trunk,
Invest my roots with yours,
Grow my flowers alongside yours.

And maybe two mushrooms.
(I have so much room in my heart for you.)

They are red

The only beings I see
Are those behind your red eyes,
Which I love more as a muddy brown,
Mysterious yet fun,
But now lost in some unknown fury?
A taste for vengeance?
My love, whom do you cry for?
Night after night,
Soaking pillows wet,
Rocking on your own in a corner of the room
Clenching your fists till your palms bleed red,
Dragging your nails across your skin,
Screaming for the pain to just, please,
Stop.
For sometime.
A moment to breathe would have been nice.
But the brown eyes, soft skin, clear smile hide
Behind red eyes, red blood, red skin,
I see the beings behind the red,
I can still love you the same or more
If you just let them out or me in at your door.

Tall drink of water

It's all gray, the smoke curling up,
Off the cigarette, menthol infused,
Off my skin, peeling and charred,
It's all gray, like my vision into the beyond.

Even this is gray, my once-red lungs,
Tarred with the smoke taken in, no breaks,
Even this is gray, my bedsheet, my pillows,
But wet with gray tears shed for some reason.

If only those tears could be red.
If only I had the strength,
To drag myself out of bed,
To do anything other than watch the ash
Pile up and up and up.

Gray embers of what might have been
But never will be because now even I,
Am reduced to ash.
All because I forgot,
A simple err in the long sojourn on the bed,

To take that tall drink of water
With some bright red pill
To bring back the colours in my life
That I no longer remember how to paint.

Le port

Je laisse la vie m'emporter
Et je laisse ma plume me montrer
Mes joies et mes peines,
Les histoires et les contes,
Comme un jour je vous dis,
'Je vous aime',
Le même jour ou j'ai pensé
Que je ne peux plus continuer;
Donc, à ceux qui m'écoute,
Je laisse la vie m'emporter
Et je laisse ma plume me montrer,
Tous les beaux paysages sur ma route
Et, bien sûr, vous.

Stay howsoever

Vandana Sreekumar:
So here I am, wide awake,
Dreaming of sleeping as peacefully
Yet insomnia is my secret lover
And in the dark he grabs me,
Teases my mind and excites my body,
Keeps me awake with tales of sweet nothings,
Leaves me bewildered in the sunny morning.
I look at your face, let me say hi,
Let me touch you, caress you,
Be the one who makes you sigh,
But here I am, wide awake,
Dreaming of when I'll confess the truth,
I come to you finally complete,
I regret nothing in my past,
My future is mine to decide and have,
And I figure your picture as a permanent hanging
Solitary, on my wall of memories.
You may just be the only memory of keep fondly
Even if you choose to walk away,
You have many reasons to,
And I am no one to stop you once you decide,
The way I feel for you, my love,
I consider it my burden alone,
If you do not feel the same,
If you choose not to our of you choose to stop,
I cannot be blamed for only just
Being me and loving you the only ways I know how.
So here I am,
I come to you complete,
Few cracks filled with gold,
My repair making me an artwork of scars on my own,
So here I am, waiting for your answer,
Will you please stay with me, howsoever?
Because I think I might just love you forever.

Taint of fear

I have felt like this before
And it led to nowhere but trouble,
You assure me time and time again
That you do not mean to hurt me;
But neither did he initially
And hurt me, he did -
Oh so cruelly, so intentionally,
That was when I felt like this
Before; when I did not know better,
When I thought in love you would never,
Ever,
Want to hurt the other soul;
He taught me otherwise.
A lesson I'm not sure if I'm grateful for.
Because I'm feeling like how
I've felt once before,
When I was willing to give my trust
With open arms and no hidden thorns,
With all the love overflowing,
Because I only know one way to love,
Even now,
I only know to love completely
Or not at all.
Yet my love is tainted with scarred trust,
Rusted gates of my heart creaking opposition,
Of not letting you in.
I'm scared, terrified of what you may do,
Because if you intentionally hurt me,
I will hurt you 2.

Those nights

if i just stop thinking,
close my eyes,
turn to my left,
(and sigh)
i can almost imagine
your arms enveloping
me in warm cocoon,
(i learnt there to not be afraid)
your arm moving under my neck,
that nightly ritual unsaid,
shifting my head to your shoulder,
feeling your beard tickle my ears,
(it looks so perfect on you)
your hand sweeping over
my stray hairs creeping up your nose
tickling a sneeze but earning a
~snore~
(i won't change it for anything in the world)
another snore and i'll turn
to face your armpit,
(i fidget to free my pleading nose)
throw out an arm like a fish line,
trying to pull you close,
(and you cradle me close instead)
another deep breath,
harmonious rising and falling chests,
fingers sneaking down to familiar grounds,
(i remember work and curse the invention of jobs)
fingers creep back up, discreet,
you turn to me, i can't breathe,
(another freedom struggle for my nose)
but i quite like the smell of you,
few more gentle snores,
then i fall asleep to my own lullaby,
and dream of riding motorcycles,
holding a big, brown teddy bear;
oh, how i miss those nights.

Untitled #5

I wish we would be together ,
At least at the end of the day,
Or in the dark of the morning,
When the stars are kissing the moon away -
Just for a little while,
A soft body along the length of yours,
A secret affair, this story of ours,
With forevers caught in moments of now.

Untitled #4

My masks are made of ivory enamel,
The beauty of it makes you pause;
Everyone else does naught but admire,
Why do you wish to pull it off?
There is no flesh beneath the mask,
The years have ate the truth away,
The lie lived has become everyone's reality -
Save mine -
But I'm the one who had gone astray.
My masks made of ivory enamel
Tell you stories of far away,
Stories of lands that never are,
Stories of family that never be -
Save in my head -
Because what am I but another pawn,
In this drawn out game of chess.

Love in parts

Let me be a tree
A warm cup of tea
A gentle breeze
Blowing wherever needed be
Let me be a shadow
May be a shade
Under a yellow brick house
With blue tiles like a sky
A bird soaring high
Above the storm roiling just under
Somewhat wet, yet proud, feathers.

I put away my masks.
Now let me be me.
All the roles you play in a day
All the dice you throw in the game
It's the same for me as is for you
At the end of the day, remove your masks,
Let me see you.
The one I'm still learning,
The one whose touch I crave
When the night is about to turn to day
When nightmares wreck havoc in my brain.

The one I'm still learning,
Who likes 7 heaping spoons of oats
But doesn't pick the amount of milk
Who is committed and aloof
Who doesn't need me at all.
Who picks but never choose.
You pick my masks over me.
You fall in love with a part of me.
I wish you wouldn't though.

Trauma

It was never what I wanted
You made me believe it was
Lies and more lies
I fell for it all
You hurt me in ways
I would rather forget
But they come back in nightmares
Unexpected touches
And now I know.

Now I know it was not my fault -
When you forced me down
When you crushed my chest
Against a mattress on the floor
When I couldn't breathe
And you kept telling me
I'm dirty for wanting more.

Now I know it was not my fault -
That I bled every time you
Forced yourself inside
This unwilling cunt, you said
Is just a show
Just to make you want me more
And more
And I should just lie there and take it.

Now I know it was not my fault -
Once caught there is no choice
Yes, some men are stronger
Than women no matter what
Any one says
Nature gifted them with brawn
And women with brain
And few with both or maybe reverse
It's a cruel game.

But now I know it's not my fault -
I couldn't have said a word
When thrown down by my hair
Made into an Indian map
Of mountains and valleys
And a barren desert
My geography exploited
But my life did not end
Simply because you put a cork
Temporarily in places
It had no business being in.

And now I know to fight,
To sleep without nightmares of you,
To walk with my head held high,
My honour doesn't rest in my vagina;
It rests with my acts, my mind and me.
Now I know it's not my fault,
And you have no more position here
To traumatize me.

Emptiness

There is no reason for emptiness
There is none for the opposite either
Chasing after an elusive happiness
Everytime it looks close
It's just going further away
A moment it seems it is
Happening
But it never was and reality is a lie
Realisation just hit late
There is nothing anywhere
Hence this emptiness even though
There is enough to satisfy all needs
Enough to satisfy all desires
Enough that pain need not go mute
Enough that there is love
And emptiness.

Melt away

It takes all but a split second,
To feel the sweetness of oblivion,
To want to slip away quietly,
Melt into the darkness -
No, there is no light
(I don't want any light)
At the end of this tunnel;
But there is something behind,
That aches and calls back,
The sweetness, the calm of the darkness
Slips away before you can grasp it,
And leaves you wondering
Why they pull you back,
Why they keep you here,
When all you want to do is slip away,
Quietly, melt into the darkness;
(It feels so much like home,
A home I once used to know)
But they call it death
Though I call it life.

Brave

What is it about loving you that makes me so brave?
Is it the possibility of more or just that
You picked me up with rubber gloves,
Did not deny that I'm just a branch of thorns,
Yet accepted me just the same.
I lost my bloom so long ago,
My petals (my beauty, my softness) fell one by one,
I had stopped feeling soft an eternity ago,
Was left as a carcass to the wind.
I never knew that I could not hurt,
That I don't need to hurt,
That I could still be soft, be kind,
Be considered nice, beautiful
For all my battle scars, for my darkness,
But you still held me,
Learnt to hold me as me,
Even when all I had were thorns.
And now I feel so brave,
That maybe love might let me bloom again,
Because I had stopped wanting to grow,
Yet now I find myself growing,
Spreading, maybe even budding,
Though I still keep my brown thorns.

Questions

I know you don't need me.
But could let me know if you want me?
All the time?
Are you sure about us going on,
Going down these lines?
Am I another memory?
But I'd like to be the last,
I have so many hopes and fantasies,
But I'm scared, so scared -
If I let my demons out,
Will you care?
If I need you,
Will you be there?
I think I need you
Sometimes
More than I want you,
But you never seem to.
I don't know if that's ok,
I maybe should go away,
Keep my heart safe -
How much can one fall?
I don't know if I am,
I'm just scared you'll hurt me,
So badly -
I think I gave you permission,
While secretly hoping you won't,
I feel compromised in my secrets.
Please don't hurt me.

New love

There's something about you that makes
chills run down my spine
be tipsy like I've had too much wine
turn into a woman with flowers
blooming wherever she steps
turn love into poetry
to immortalize a beauty I hope
I'm not the only to see.

A bouquet

You admire my beauty
As I lie here on this casket,
She caresses my skin,
She admires me too.
I wish you didn't have to kill me
To tell her, I love you.

Awarded

A collection of accolades on the wall.
A row of trophies from yesteryears.
A folder full of certificates I never needed.
A list of accomplishments I wonder if I earned.

There is so much to line my shelves
And adorn my walls and yet,
When I open my box of memories,
I find I've only travelled when and where,
Where my books have led me.

Such a short life I question where,
Did I even live at all?
If you don't exist in another's mind,
With love,
Did you even... (I dare not ask)
Were you a part of this world at all?

Embers

He walks in, closes the door.
She is lost in a world of her own.
He potters around, his day is done,
Mind at rest, this is where he calls home.
She is looking through chaos,
Desperate to establish order,
She sees a light flip on in the corner.
He sees her at her laptop,
Typing away, letters, e-mails,
It's all work, business for today.
Her attention is on the light.
His eyes find her in the dark,
Dimly outlined in the backlight of her screen.
Her attention is on the bulb,
Her eyes strain and find the filaments.
He stands facing her, his smile hidden.
To her, his face looks indifferent in the half light.
His face is half shadowed, he moves to her.
Her eyes glow like the particles
Moving inside like fireflies
Her mind sees fire inside the bulb
Ember falling slowly all around her
Her vision changes, the laptop melts away
Her couch is semi suspended in a semi space
There is a floor she can see and cannot
She is distanced from reality
There is a dark form, a spectre with an outline of yellow
Moving slowly towards her, its words
Its words are garbled like a foreign language
She ought to know, used to know,
She just does not know
It is moving closer
She inches away
It reaches for her
No
No
No
Bright white light illuminates her dark space,
Dissipates her ghosts, the filaments are not on fire.
He stands in front of her.
He leans down.
He lays a kiss on her head then sits down.
She just blinks twice and turns back to her screen.
She blinks once, she smiles.
Rests back against the couch.
The moment's past, her light was next to her.
Though the corner of eye still sees the embers.

Madness

In my madness, I sometimes mistake pain for pleasure
And the blood rushing up to colour my skin
As the velvet shades of a dark love
I simply cannot deny.

Hollow

It's hard keeping on feeling numb
Aching with a hollow space in my chest
It used to be where my heart is, but I'm not,
I'm not and I want to know there is
Someone I can give a little piece of me to
While I'm breaking all other parts of the was
And making an is, just to feel safe.

Ashes and wine

We've been ashes and wine all our lives,
Baby, we had no chance, you and I,
This was an off track road, another sign
Followed and gone wrong, we had no chance,
It's all just ashes and wine;

I'm waking up to your face wondering what's next,
Is there any chance I can ever forget?
You are waiting and waiting when I just want to leave,
Baby, this had no chance, there's no life here,
Not for you and me;

It's just another day, I need to drag myself out of bed,
You're still there, somewhere, in the back of my head,
I open another bottle, drown sorrows I do not know,
5 bottles later, I find you've come home,
A bottle opener later, you find me bleeding, alone.

Stubs strewn across the floor, the ashes all over me
I'm still craving more, another bottle won't hurt me,
Why don't you just stay away, there is no chance,
Baby, at the end of the day,
We're all just ashes and wine.

Speed

A shot of whiskey free flowing -
So much that you get bored,
That you don't feel the need to put in effort
Then you wonder why I left other men before.

A quick light in a fast night
Too fast that you feel the need to be alone,
That you don't feel the need to share a bed
Because vulnerability was never a part of life before.

Another shot, another light, our hands touch,
Fingers collide with skin,
Yours undo my bra clasp, getting further with every touch -
Boy, a woman's body is never yours,
Till you've truly touched her soul.

You can be either my hearth or a hotel room,
You do not learn the vagaries of my mind with distance,
You do not learn a person in space and in this space,
But if I might lose by being near, I'd rather be far.

I've tasted cities different from yours,
I'm sure, so have you, from mine,
Our ideas of love are so different,
Even when our bodies intertwine.