Taint of fear

I have felt like this before
And it led to nowhere but trouble,
You assure me time and time again
That you do not mean to hurt me;
But neither did he initially
And hurt me, he did -
Oh so cruelly, so intentionally,
That was when I felt like this
Before; when I did not know better,
When I thought in love you would never,
Ever,
Want to hurt the other soul;
He taught me otherwise.
A lesson I'm not sure if I'm grateful for.
Because I'm feeling like how
I've felt once before,
When I was willing to give my trust
With open arms and no hidden thorns,
With all the love overflowing,
Because I only know one way to love,
Even now,
I only know to love completely
Or not at all.
Yet my love is tainted with scarred trust,
Rusted gates of my heart creaking opposition,
Of not letting you in.
I'm scared, terrified of what you may do,
Because if you intentionally hurt me,
I will hurt you 2.

Drapetomania

I don't know what is more terrifying -
The look I see on your face,
A look I have learnt to distrust,
Or your actions which lead me to doubt
Every single person I've ever known,
And trust the people I have been.

I don't know what is more terrifying -
The ice I feel beneath the warmth of your skin,
Or that in spite of my aching cold
I try to make some warmth in me,
For you.
And yet still feel cold.

I don't know what is more terrifying -
To trust or to be trusted,
When all my stories are just stories,
Stories, I made to make life bearable.
And yours are real with the capacity to hurt,
Because your lies tend to look like my truth.

I wish I knew what to fear to tame,
From you, from this,
From the possibility of us,
That slow burn or this cold flame.

Trust

Life is a game my dear
Where trust is what one fears
For it will take to you to heights
May be as far as 3600m high
Only to insult and crash
Like a plane engine trashed
At midnight under stars
Jealous of your falling star
For no reason other than you fell
And they believe themselves stuck
But one thinks and hopes the grass
Always greener on the other side.

Hidden Lies

Hidden lies, the truths you hide behind
That reveal nothing to the unsuspecting
And is everything to you,

Because if it were to break,
All the walls will shatter and fall
All around you, the armour will fall,

And nothing will remain.
Hidden lies, no one knows
That you let them believe what they wish,
The lies you never said yet created,

‘Half truths‘ are what people call them,
Yet truth nevertheless, to keep others guessing
But far away, because the truth will hurt
If it is revealed today.

Bleeding Ink

Words to capture
The countenance of a million souls.
Her soul bled black ink
Which spilled all over the globe.
Her eyes never left the darkness
And darkness never left her soul.
It pulled her like flames pull moths.
Brightly coloured but flying in the night,
Hidden to all but the knowing eyes.
The eyes which wait glimmering,
Like the black jade shining in her heart.
The coldness which few feel.
The rest are left warm.

No Strings Attached

I seem to be pulling at some strings,
Those which are tightening around my things,
Some pulling at my wrist and others at feet,
And yet some around my neck feeling bittersweet.

Once I used to embrace those strings
Yet now I just want to be free,
No more commitment, no more flings,
No strings attached pulling at my body and me.

He thinks I sleep, he thinks I wait,
I do, I do, but not that special way;
Doing things with a special someone to sate
My inner fire and steam, finally I say -

No more commitment, no more flings,
No more endless messages and phone calls I swear,
Quiet moments under the stars in a lonely park,
Him kissing my hand, nothing more I would ask -

- but this. No strings attached.

Blood Runs Cold In My Veins

How long will I hide?
How far will running take me?
Seems I am never free from lies,
Lies that make and undo me.
Lies of love, trust and more,
Why tell me all this now?
More tears fall, more emotions lost.
This can not be what you want.
Me forcing myself to say,
Everything is alright and it's ok.