ANAMIKA - In Love

Is it a fantasy
Or is it true?
Right now, Anamika,
She can't choose.
Is it Prince Charming
Or just another guy?
Will this be it
Or is it another lie?
Anamika, Anamika,
She can't choose.
Torn between love
And wondering about the truth.

Is her heart ready
Or is she just lonely?
Or is it neither and both
That she ends up longing...
One touch, one kiss,
One fateful day,
To become a woman
And all it entails.
To have it all,
To be loved...
To be ensured protection
And be taken care of.

Is this part of her dreams
Or has it become truth?
Anamika right now,
You have to choose.
Face your heart,
Your spirit and say,
That you'll be standing
Come what may.
Anamika, she chose -
Love, a fairytale olden ;
Was she wise or not,
We will find out.
Soon.

ANAMIKA - The Nameless One

There is no sense,
There is no rhythm,
And I don't know what to do.
Committed to one
And in love with another,
I don't know who to choose.
My commitment is strong,
My heart doesn't waver,
When it comes to duty I should.
But love for you
Has torn me asunder,
So tell me what to do.

Do I pick you?
And confuse my life
More than it already is?
Or do I choose myself?
And escape while I can
Before you clip my wings?
I have lost my heart,
I have lost my name,
I have nothing left.
What to do
And where to go?
How do I face myself?

This is my story
So I chose a name.
A name for myself
To be rendered again.
Nameless I have become,
Nameless I shall be -
No faces, no disguise
This is who I'll be.

'Anamika' I choose,
'The one without name' ;
I have nothing to lose
So now claim freedom again.

Trust No Man

Give me your trust, said the king on the throne,

For I must bear the burden all alone.

I take the earth and support the sky,

So let me rule and I'll pass you by.

Because trust is the color of a dark seed growing.

Trust is the color of a heart's blood flowing,

Trust is the color of a soul's last breath.

Trust is the color of my own death.

Give me your trust, said the queen on her throne,

For I must bear the burden all alone.

Trust me to lead and to judge and to rule,

And no man will think you a fool.

But trust is the sound of the grave-dog's bark.

Trust is the sound of betrayal in the dark,

Trust is the sound of a soul's last breath.

Trust is the sound of my own death.

Give me your trust, said the parent to the child

For I must bear you and your life.

I give you everything and more

So give your trust, I'll ask no more.

Trust is the scene of young heart breaking.

Trust is the scene of ravens' croaking,

Trust is the scene of the soul's last breath.

Trust is the scene of my own death.

*Some of the lines have been taken from the book 'Lord Of Chaos' by Robert Jordan*

Cast Away (Complete Story)

I watched you from afar

You grew away from me

But you knew there was a star

That shone for you, that is me

I still watch upon you from high

Casting my bright light

Hoping you would look this way

So I can glimpse you, my life

I fell in love from far

Across the cosmic space

You drew me in your life

Now I shine on you and gaze

Down on that pretty face

So  beautiful from my seat

My throne, my kingdom

I wish to submit at your feet

I want you by my side

Not just to shine down bright

Trapped in echoes of my own world

I look upon your light

A mere human that you are

You drew me in your life

I wish to come down and take you

And share your simple life

Forbidden as I am

But still wanting more

Always know my presence

For you'll come soon enough

Caught in your whispering senses

Tender as can be

The simple life of a lady

Who gives so much as free

Look my way, my love

Though you may not see my face

Trapped in echoes of my own world

I try to give you what I may...

And now I hear you say,

"Is it now you realize

That even if dawn won't come to light

My window remains alight

Thinking you'll call my name tonight

Out in the shadows I creep

Wander under trees asleep

Carrying the smallest of lights

My eyes, they are my eyes.

I reach the water, I think

Of times I thought we linked

Wishing you'd come here and soon

I go back to my room

And find on my bed

A single rose, a single red

And one simple note that said

Three little words that meant

Almost everything to me."

And now...

Your final days there are nearing

I can feel it strong in me

The soul that longs for freedom

I'll bring you here to me

The last day has finished

Now you've joined me here

Only to spurn my ugly face

Now you see your guardian clear

Was my love in vain?

Was my care not enough?

Why do you choose another?

Why not me, my love?

There were so many things I wished,

So much that I hoped,

I gave you everything -

And now I’ve lost all.

My tears fall on shadows

of what I thought we'd be

Realize now your silence

Has forsaken life for me.

One Doubt - WHY? (7)

*Part Seven - I Don't Know Why*

I'm so sorry.

You came back for me. But I can't go with you. I just can't. I'm lying on the bed and you're standing by the window looking out. You don't know I've woken yet. You don't know the countless number of e-mails and letters I wrote and stored away... And I'm lying here wondering how this happened.

"You fainted Allie. Are you ok?"

"No I'm not."

"Alison."

"Go away."

"Ali - "

"PLEASE."

"Fine."

And Slam! goes the door. He's gone. And here comes the tears. Maybe if I shut my eyes really tight, I'll wake up and it'll all just be a bad dream. Just a bad dream.

"Why are you crying Allie? I'm sorry I can't go away right now there are some things we need to discuss."

His voice has changed. He has changed. The old Charlie would have left me alone after I display a temper. This feels like I'm with him and someone else I'm starting to like... NO. It's just him. And I dumped him. I left. I had his child. If he wants custody I'll fight every court for it unless he'll settle for spending some time with her during the weekend or so. I won't rob them of their rights. But I don't want him interfering with me or my life.

He's wiping my tears... So gentle. NO.

"Stop it!"

I guess I have no choice but to get up. 

"What do you want to know Charlie?"

Hard as steel now. Of course. He tried being gentle and patient for so long. I can't blame him.

"I want to know about Victoria. How did she happen?"

"I left you and came here and all of a sudden I discover I'm a month into pregnancy. And she's my child. My baby. I couldn't kill her. Not then, Not now. Not ever. I did my Masters and by the time I got my job with FPS, Forensic Psychological Services, by the time she was going to be 2years old. I had Anne and Katie to help me. It was ok. I adjusted well. So did Alison. She was good. I raised her exactly the way I learnt it should be. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. She's good at school, she's free, she's confident... She's everything and more to me. And she's living life on her own terms with some guidance when she asks for it. She tries her best always... And she doesn't run away. Alison is brave whatever else she's not. She is very very brave."

"Like her mother."

"I ran away."

"No. You left because it was better to. That's not a crime."

"If it's not then why didn't you just leave me ALONE?!"

"Because I couldn't. I tried. I couldn't. No I have more reason not to leave."

"Leave what? Come or go. No one will stop you. I don't care who does or who doesn't as long as you leave me and Alison out of it."

"I can't. I have a right to be with her and her with me. I already adore her."

"Ha. Fine. Leave me out of it."

...

That's all I want. Leave me alone. I can't bear to revisit the past. Everything so jumbled now...

I don't know... Charlie you never know! Make up your mind please!... No I can't.

We are doing this because we love you... No you're doing this because he told you so! I wish I was never born to you! I'm not some brightly colored bird to be kept in a cage all the time!... Who told you that?! We did no such thing!... Stop lying. I heard you... You never listen to us! You're such a stubborn spoilt child even now! We loved you too much that was the problem!... Yes it is the problem! You're destroying me and you can't even realize that! I wan to leave this miserable place! And when I do, "I'll never come back again!"

"Alison? I'm not asking you to leave here..."

"NO! I'm not Alison anymore! I'm Valen! I changed Charlie. And even if you did, I wouldn't go." I can't face you. You have to go. "I don't love you anymore. I don't want any guy in my life right now. And when I'm ready to let someone in... It won't be you. I'm sorry. Just leave."

I can your beautiful face reflected off the window pane. I can see the shock on your face. I'm so sorry Charlie. Alison is no more. This is Valen. And Valen... Valen can't bear to deal with you again and get hurt again. To get used again. To be misunderstood when I need someone to love me the most. I don't want to deal with that kind of hurt again. I dealt with it enough in those 5years. Yes, that's right. Turn away. Walk out that door.

...

"Valen! He just left without saying a word! And Alison is crying in her room! What is all this?"

Poor Anne. So bewildered. 

"I'm going to her now."

"Young lady, tell me why he left."

"He left because there is no reason for him to stay. And he did change but he's still the same."

"What?"

...

"Alison..."

"Mommy... Why did he leave... I liked him... He told me he'd say goodbye before he left and tell me when he'd come next... But he just left Mommy..."

I hugged her tighter. My dress was wet with her tears. She just couldn't understand. She is just 8 after all... I bet it's hard to digest that Daddy came and left without any warning or preamble. But I guess he has his reasons.

"People don't always mean what they say baby... Even if they do, sometimes they forget..."

"But they shouldn't Valen... They shouldn't..."

"Hush sweetie. It'll be ok... Try to sleep now. I'm here with you."

"Don't leave me in the middle of the night."

"I won't Allie."

"Kay..."

*flashback*

"I can't. I have a right to be with her and her with me. I already adore her."

"Ha. Fine. Leave me out of it."

"Tell me... Why do you call her Alison?'

"I don't know."

"Really? You must have some reason."

"I told you. I don't know why."

"Ok."

"Will you leave me now please?"

That's all I want. Leave me alone. I can't bear to revisit the past. Everything so jumbled now...

*flashback ends*

Truth is... I guess I do know why now. She's everything that she wants to be. She's noble in herself. Everything she should be... And my best friend and life's meaning. She's the Alison whom I wished to be and never really was. 

She really is Alison. Not me. And I guess that's why.

*THE END*

One Doubt - WHY? (6)

*Part Six - Turbulence*

Oh my God what have I gotten myself into??? 

"Alison? Are you ok?"

Which ever one of you said that go to hell. I'm NOT ok. I won't be ok. I never was OK to start off with. I'm backing off. I'm running. I haven't run like this in ages. I have no idea where I'm heading... My feet are taking me somewhere. Somewhere. 

Somewhere. The old ditch. Filled with rainwater now. I can sit and think in peace. I'm so scared right now. I might end up losing her... And I might lose him again too. But... We never wanted it. So it doesn't matter. He can't matter as much as my baby. 

My precious child. The one whom I raised alone, away from everything in my past. Away from my past cause it would hurt her too and not just me. Else I would have faced it... Could have faced it. And now? Now ALL of it is going to come crashing on her. I haven't lied to her. She knows her father's name is Charlie and that I chose not to marry her father. She knows all of this. But right now... 

Right now, they could be telling her anything. They could be telling her that Valen ran away from everything. That I ran away. After all my telling her that she should never run from a fight. Never ever. It'll be just ....

*flashback*

"You're really leaving?"

"Yes Noah. I am."

"Not a good idea Allie."

"When is it ever good?"

"You are runnin away."

"I'm going away there's a difference."

"Sigh Allie it cant be that bad, just cause - "

"No Noah I NEED to go."

"Fine, go. Who am I to stop you?"

"My friend?"

"You won't listen to me anyway... And... I can't say I support it... But I understand your state."

"Really?"

"Yeah... Maybe you'll be happier away. If you want a friend... I'm still here. Just don't forget that ok?"

"Thank you. What more can I say?"

"Hmm. Well. Let me know your number."

"Yeah I will. Bye Noah. Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

My friends. I have my friends. My family. My family that I chose. Whom I can depend on. I have them through everything. I can be strong. I have them. Phone's ringing.

"Hey"

"Why did you call Charlie?"

Is it just me or does my voice seem entirely too cold?

"Who were you talking to?"

"My friend."

"Who?"

"Not your concern."

"I want it to be. Look I - "

"Well I don't want it to be your damn concern. Good bye."

If that wasn't harsh then I don't know what is. But he's not going to keep me here. Tomorrow. The train to Dublin. End of this chapter and start of another. So simple to think about.

Packing? Done. Rest of the family will be busy elsewhere tomorrow? Yes. Tickets and everything ready to take? Yes. Nothing left for last moment? Yes. So everything is ok? No, because only a trusted few know about this and the rest... They'll have to know later I guess. And what about Charlie? 

So much confusion... It would be one thing to stay here itself and another to go away entirely. I can make it up with him. There was fault on my side...

But... No. No. I'm so sorry Charlie. I can't stay. I can't face this anymore... I just can't.

I just can't.

*flashback ends*

.... like I'm a hypocrite. I did run away. From family. From love. From commitment because it was leading into expectations that I couldn't manage and things I didn't want to live with. I wanted to escape and I did. After leaving a lot of thorns where I was before. Oh my word. Oh no. No. Please no. That look on her face. And his. So alike with shock. They're running towards me? They're saying something... I can't make it out. I feel like I'm floating. Huh? Floating? I can't feel my feet. Everyone's still there and blabbering but I can't make anything out. Someone's carrying me?

Someone's carrying me. And I'd know that sweet smell anywhere.

I'm so sorry.

One Doubt - WHY? (5)

*Part Five - Wish I Could've Avoided That*

And even if I did, what should I be caring about? That was an even bigger dilemma. I can't just blurt it out to him. Or could I?

"So what about you? What are you doing now?"

"You bother about it after all this time?"

"Kind of, yes. I know I was being stupid and I'm not gonna make excuses for myself. So... You married?"

"No I didn't"

So he didn't marry. Well there's still plenty of time for him. He's just 29 with a good job and an okay life. So why is he looking at me so intensely as if I'm the reason for it?

"Why didn't you?"

"I never found someone like that."

Ah yes. Our old hope of finding someone who'd understand us and be passionate and caring like we were to each other during those days. Even then, we had already forseen that it's never gonna last. So even if it does sting... I can always find comfort thinking, I knew this would happen all along. Not much of a comfort but.. You get used to it after so many years. Well I got used to it. I got Alison and that was... enough for me. I think. But him... Hm. I really don't know.

"Ok. So what have you been doing?"

"I'm doing research. I came here on a sabbatical."

"Research on what?"

"Whispering gallery-mode single virus detection. I'm checking out some new possibilities on the theory."

"I am SO sorry I asked."

Really, when was the last time we laughed like this? Ok... Not thinking about that.

"So Alison... What happened? Was this planned? As in did you plan to get a child?"

"Um..." Think fast. Lie or not? Lie. "... Yes."

"I see. I was kind of hoping... "

"Hoping what?"

"Never mind."

"What is it? Say?"

Old memories I do not need. At least not right now. 

"I was...  Hoping... How old is she?"

"Eight."

Why is he looking so shocked? Oh DAMN. He remembers. I should've lied but it came out in reflex mode. And he looks furious. 

"You know what Valen I think I'll leave now. I left some things for you and Anne. I wasn't expecting kids here. Bye."

He stormed out and Anne stormed in. 

"You have a penchant for causing trouble? Why don't you just tell the man? He came here for you. He's outside right now. Go to him. NOW!"

Goodness Anne. You're screaming at me and pushing me out the door all at once.

And...

He's not there. Now what?

Stand out here like some old movie and think of all the times we've had and cry? I think not. 

"It's not like I planned this! She just happened and you let me go!"

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

"Mommy?"

Alison. Charlie. Katie. Coming from the back. And Alison almost never calls me Mommy or Mother or anything unless she's really confused or hurt. And Anne is at the door watching this. And... 

And...

Oh my God what have I gotten myself into???

One Doubt - WHY? (4)

*Part Four - Guess I Got To Go*

Hopeful. Will he come? 

Should I go back? That was way too abrupt... And he's probably hurt as well... No.

NO! I Am Not Going Back. Not going to go back to all the ... Happiness and joy at just giving love and being loved. Just some pleasure of talking to someone whom you feel really cares. Satisfaction and contentment of having a soulmate. He doesn't have to be perfect... You aren't perfect either. But he makes you feel as though you are. The whole world just seems to stop for the two of you. May seem really cliche but it feels true in the heat of the moment. Just so ... 

Stop Thinking About It. I don't need another reason to stay when all I want to do is leave. Dublin. It's calling me. I will go. I have to go.

*flashback ends*

"Valen"

Hm. Did I have a blanket wrapped all around me when I got in and a pillow over my head? "What..."

"Valen are you sleeping?"

"No honey, I'm training to die. What did you think?" -.- she sees me in the bed sleeping, wakes me and asks that? If you don't want a sarcastic answer then don't ask a stupid question.

"Valen! Wake up!"

"NO", I'm never letting go of you Mr.Pillow. Ow... "Alison... Get off me!"

"No Valen, you need to wake up now!"

Why is there so much urgency in her voice? I got up. "What's wrong hon?"

Damn. I feel so tired and my eyes hurt like hell. 

"Visitors downstairs, Valen. He says he wants to see you?"

Must be one of my colleagues. Sigh. Anyways, better get presentable and go downstairs..... And I must say that this was NOT what I was expecting. I mean dreams have a funny way of coming true but not in this sick way. Even if it was my last breath, I swear Anne must have planned this. It explains the surprising lecture on what I usually do if left to my own devices...

"Alison?"

"Charlie."

"Valen, tell him." Of course that is Anne. Alison and Katie are nowhere to be seen. Hopefully they're somewhere away from this and Alison won't have to see this.

"Valen?" Poor guy looks so confused.

"My name is Valen now... So hi Charlie. How're you? Shall we all sit?" 

Keeping up the politeness is such a mask. What I really want to do? Scream. Scream at her for putting me in this mess. At him for... For what? For letting me leave? For searching for me after that? For finally finding me? For making me feel like wanting to cry in relief of seeing him after all these years for some reason? For wanting to just hug him and cry just for the sake of it? Nope. I'm not that kinda woman. I'm gonna sit down here, on this sofa, and look at him coolly and speak normally as though seeing a friend after all these years. I'm still his friend. We promised we'd always be friends no matter what happens between us. It should still hold... Right?

"Valen huh? I preferred Alison."

"There is an another Alison in her life now thats why."

"Anne, please stay out this... I'm sorry but could you give us some privacy? I mean we are seeing each other after 8 years..."

Anne left. Good. OH FISH. Alison's here.

"Valen!"

"Alison, go to Anne."

"So this is the other Alison. Wait."

I can't exactly say no and make a scene. If he wants to meet her, let him. It's not like he knows or even suspects. Could he? No. He'd trust me to let him know somehow. So many social networking sites. I could've told him via that or I could've gotten his number and called him. But I didn't. Instead I deactivated my Twitter account and made chat unavailable to him in Facebook so that I can peacefully ignore all his messages and he wouldn't even know I was online considering most of my activities wouldn't be visible to him. Yet Anne tracked him down. If Mohammed won't go to the mountain, then the mountain must go to Mohammed as she's so fond of saying. Well this is my mountain. I could say it outright now or let it pass. Hm. Let me think. Hell yeah, I'm letting it pass. I can't make out whatever they're saying to each other but then I can always expect HIM to get along well with any child and HER to get along well with any adult. Just looking at her sitting on his lap now is tearing at me.

"Al..- Valen. Are you ok? You look a bit sick."

"Huh? Yeah, I'm ok." 

I can pull this off. But... Really the man does have a right to know so does she.

"Ok, whatever you say Valen." 

"Don't you dare mock me Charlie!"

"I'm not mocking you Valen. Just a hard time getting used to it. Is Alison your official name dear?"

Between the both of us, he keeps up a better show in public than I do though in reality I claim the more reserve.

"No, my real name is Victoria." 

She says it so carefully even now. Victoria. Just like I first called her name.

*flashback*

"We'll be going back to our home soon baby. I wonder how much you'll like it."

So much satisfaction in just holding her against me no matter how much tears are filling my eyes in thinking who else should have been there with us through all this. Already us. We were bonded in that strange way, I knew it from the moment I decided I was not going to throw her away. I always knew it would be a 'her'. Is that gender discrimination? I hope not. Even if it is, I can't help it. I just knew. It was such a victorious feeling. I wanted to make the moment last. I had never really thought of a proper name for her but... 

"Victoria"

Slowly, savoring each nanosecond I took to carefully say her name for the first time.

"Victoria"

Faster and more louder this time. Maybe she understood that it was her I was calling out to because she was stirring in my hands though still fast asleep. Or it was probably just me making a racket by repeating her name. I like to think of it as the former.

"Miss?"

The doctor didn't look as frightening as she had when I had been rolled in. My word, I'll never deny anywhere that it's a really, REALLY painful thing. Pregnancy I mean. And tiresome at times. But I got something worth all that trouble in the end. 

*flashback ends*

"Victoria. Pretty name for a pretty child."

Alison was gone by the time I looked up. I hadn't even realized that she had gone and that he was sitting next to me. He was smiling but... I did not feel good about this one. It made me feel like I was sitting next to a time-bomb. I relaxed back on the couch. Safer. And started preparing for his next question - whatever it was.

"Now that she's gone... Alison, would you mind telling me why you keep running away from me? And if you had at least gone through any of the messages I leave for you in FB, you would've known that I had come to Ireland too. But you wouldn't. I know you have a lot of pride but we swore to keep up the friendship. I try but how can one person hold on to the other when that one has let go? And you didn't even bother to tell me that you had a child or that you even got married."

This was really hard. He was going to be really shocked. I went over to the window opposite where we had been sitting together, on the couch. He seemed patient looking enough from what I could make out from his reflection on the glass pane. Besides which, he used to know me better than anyone else, except myself that is.

"Uh... That's the thing. I didn't marry..."

"Ok. So she's the child of one of your ex-es. Does he know about it?"

So not the reaction I was expecting. But then, it's been 8years. Anything and anyone could've changed him. And changed me too.

"How do you know that she's my child?"

And to his credit, he didn't even seem a bit dazed. 

"Anne told me about her just before you came down. She was the one who opened the door to me."

DAMN YOU ANNE. Who knows how much he knows by now? But then again, if he was just told that Alison is mine and he wasn't aware that I hadn't married...

"Ok. So what about you?"

"Whose child Alison? Or Valen. Whichever you prefer."

"I don't care."

And even if I did, what should I be caring about? That was an even bigger dilemma. I can't just blurt it out to him. Or could I?

One Doubt - WHY? (3)

*Part Three - Reasons*

How long was I going to keep running away? 

Till I think I'm ready. Which may not be in a long while. I've made mistakes. I paid for it. But I don't ever want to go back to my old life. I'm satisfied with the niche I carved out for myself... And my daughter. I did see a therapist of my own, a friend but she's unbiased enough to deal with me. Her response was that I was afraid - and the 'what of?' part I needed to find out on my own because it will be more useful that way. Yes, I know. I'm in the same business. Journey matters as much as and sometimes even more than the destination. I get it.

And this is what I tell Anne. She just shakes her head and puts her hand over my cup of hot coffee and says, "It should be sooner than this. It's already been eight years. And Alison deserves some grandparent figure in her life other than me..."

That was the real gig. After coming here, the first person I met was Anne. She took me under her wing for some reason and just... Well she just helped me out. Yes, I was surprised too. But in the sea of unfamiliarity that I catapulted into, one kind soul was enough to make me happy. She rented out a room in her house for me at Dublin and took care of me like a daughter. Nationality, religion, race... These had nothing to do with it. She was a teacher at ChildVision then and more than happy to help someone new out. You don't find many like her. And in a while, she became my best friend here. 

"You space out a lot these days Valen... A lot on your mind?"

"Yeah I guess... I'm wondering what would have happened if I had stayed..."

"But you didn't. So why bother now?"

"I know  but... Leaving like that... Sigh. Hm. I should go back huh?"

"It's your call honey. You always say this on the first day and then you say - "

"I'll sleep on it."

"- you'll sleep on it and then next day you wake up and you say no, you can't."

"Are you done?"

"Yes."

"I just need two days ok? I'll go back."

"Because you think in two days whoever it is would have left. What if this time it's different? What if it's Charlie that you missed seeing?"

Memories... So painful.

"Anne, I think I'm getting a headache. I'm gonna go lie down, ok?"

"Valen..."

"I'll be fine."

Peace. Bed. Sleep.

*flashback*

"You don't have to go. We can work this out."

"No Charlie... I really don't think it will. Things keep getting complicated. One minute we're both there and next we're not and I'm tired of playing."

"Wait..."

"What?"

"No, nothing. Never mind."

Ask me one more time. I'll change my mind. Else this is it. Last time. I can't bear getting hurt anymore.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Alison. I'm sure."

Well. It ends here. So many times I told myself I won't keep looking back and running back. And if nothing else works, distance will. And I know the perfect place. Dublin.

"Goodbye Charlie."

Why isn't he looking at me? And this was. 

This was. And will be.

The first and last time. 

And I walked out of the door with my head held high. I didn't have much to lose at that point... Everything was now behind me. Family and hopeful love. Friends... Stay close to my heart. But how many will I see again? Doubtful. Is the sunshine trying to mock me or something? I mean, with the mood I'm in, it should be cold, cold rain. But I guess it's waiting...

Hopeful. Will he come?

One Doubt - WHY? (2)

*Part Two - When Dreams Became Reality*

"Lady, don't you know you shouldn't sound horns at cows?!"

"Sorry!"

Damn cows. Them and their cowherds thinking they have all the time in the world. 

"Valen! Look! Calves!"

Ok I had to crack a smile at that. She doesn't know that her mother is taking an impromptu leave of two days from her job at Forensic Psychological Services (FPS) to escape coming across somethings in her past. Though by all rights I should be facing it now. I mean, I made a career out of helping people face there demons, why can't I face mine?

Oh yes. Because I have more than just me to worry about. There's Alison, whom they don't (hopefully) know about. I don't want her to go about in shame nor grow up knowing them. I don't want her in an overprotective cocoon where she never knows the difference between a dream and reality. I want her to be in my sight till she decides to go her own way. I want her to have the freedom to be just herself and learn from her own experiences. I don't want her in a shade, I want her in the light. Ok... Over dramatic maternal feelings. Just a matter of seconds to think this.

"Yes. They're cute aren't they? And no Alison, not here. Wait till we get to Anne's to go to the cows." It's so funny seeing her small face peering at me. "And tie up your hair."

"Yeasss." Scrawny but cute. But then I suppose all mothers think their child is cute? And YES they're gone. Finally! Peaceful driving.

*flashback*

It's so simple. Either pack up and run. Or stay here and end the charade. But it's not worth it.

Run the knife slowly over your skin. Just feel the cold blade. Seduction of despair and frustration as it gently cuts into your skin... Not too deep. Just enough to bring up a light dusting of blood... Just to raise the skin and make it pink... Then maybe... A Little Deeper?

NO!

No. So hard to think of that one word. NO. Revenge is against the situation you have been thrown in. Action will be against the flow in which life is currently dragging me. I will break loose. So I can go out. I will go out. I'm 21years old. What is there stopping me? I'm old enough to start standing on my own two feet. And if staying here is going to make me do things like this...

"UGH! Stupid knife!" 

What in the world am I doing? This is NOT me. This is not the girl who had so many dreams. This is not the mentality a social worker needs. Social workers need to be brave. Needs to face the world and help the ones in need. If I'm not there, it's one less person to help. And I need to be better. And I will be stronger.

Tough times don't last, Tough people do. 

Always need to remember that. Worse can happen. This is not it. After everything you've seen happen to others, this is not that big a deal. DEAL. WITH. IT.

*flashback ends*

"Hey Anne!"

In flesh, it's always better. To see and hug her and have her pat you on the back and say it's ok. 

"A bit late aren't you?"

"Cows, Anne. C-o-w-s, cows"

She laughed at my grimace. 

"Just like you. Hey Alison, Katie's in her room. She's asleep... You go and wake her. So any luggage or...?"

"Not much Anne, just two bags."

"What's the matter?"

Straight to the point as usual. And someone who strongly believes in facing their demons. I couldn't say anything. I didn't have to. She went on.

"How long are you going to keep running away... Alison?"

That emphasis was enough to drive the meaning home. It's true anyways.

How long was I going to keep running away?

One Doubt - WHY? (1)

*Part One - Always The Usual Melodrama*

"I won't give in to you"

Simple words and so much meaning. Does she really realize what she's saying? I wondered. It's not the first time that Alison has been so stubborn. Always had been a willful child. But eventually she learnt. But there was no time for me to give my long winded explanations. We had to leave.

"Alison, no. We need to go away for a little while."

"Why?"

Here was the troublesome part - the questions. Other mothers told me that I should nip it in the bud and tell her to accept things as they are. But I think why should she? We learn from asking questions. And she has every right to question what is happening to her. And really, why WERE we leaving other than that the house is being revamped? Because I had to get away. From realizing that everything has been just one mistake after another and that I'm this close from being rediscovered by them. I CAN'T go through it again. Especially not now, not with Alison. I managed to hide away for so many years. Exactly 8years. And now what a coincidence that Alison is 8 too. I think I spaced out for more time than I thought because she had already started her side.

"Valen, I don't want to leave." 

Such patience, like a school teacher almost. Like I was a slow child. Funny how she can be so mature at times.

"Valen, are you listening? Holidays just started and I want to be here. With my friends. I want to get to know them. I just met them a few months back. Please."

No more time to spare if we were going to settle for the night at Malahide. Granted it's just 16km away but I wanted to make it to my friend's place on time for tea.

"Alison, we have to go because we can't stay here while the house is getting revamped and -"

"Where are we going?"

"- we're going to Anne's. Remember Katie? She's back from boarding so you have company too. So Alison. Get. In. The. Car."

Well, that worked. No more complaints. And Katie's always been like a big sister for her so hopefully those two will keep each other company. And me? I just wanted to see Anne. Not just that I've missed her but I really wanted some peace after running for so many years. And running from what? My 'family'. It just has NOT been pretty. It all started after my Bachelors degree (which please note, I was not very interested in).....

*flashback*

..."I don't want to go for English.'

"But you like reading and writing. And this is a good course..." - Why does this all sound like blah blah blah and more blah to me? I don't want to go for it for the simple reason that I don't want to be a teacher or a lecturer NOR do I wish to go to some book publishing deal NOR do I wish to go for journalism and mass media. Then WHY SHOULD I? Besides the fact I'll suck in it. Which I kindly pointed out.

"I don't like it nor do I want to do anything with it. Writing is my hobby not my job nor do I want to make it a job nor do I want to become some teacher because I won't be good at it and it will ruin my life. I won't be happy and don't tell me I'll get used to a stagnant job because I won't. Its not me. It's NOT ME. Why don't you get it? I'm 21! Stop trying to control me!"

"Psychology is useless! And nobody cares about counselors here!"

"That's because people here don't have sense. And WHO said I want to be a counselor?! I want to go for forensic psychology! And who in the WORLD said I wanted to stay HERE?! WHY WOULD I STAY HERE!?!? WITH YOU?! I DON'T WANT TO!"

Oops. That was too much. 

"What did you just say? How can you get so cheap? We raised with you with so much love and care and you throw it at our face? We should have beat you and made you realize your place when you were younger! You would never DARE to speak so disgustingly then. It's your friends, I suppose, twisting your head with all these bad ideas. You're not going for this and that is THAT. You're taking English. We won't let you dishonor this family!"

Yup. Way too much. Good thing they don't know I have enough squirreled away to leave this god-forsaken place. Even better, they don't realize I'm already packed to leave. Well it wasn't hard to sort out what I wanted to take anyways. And that I gave in an application to change my name and that I got it back fully done. That now I'm Valen Rease and not in there charge anymore especially when I've applied for and got selected as the merit scholar in a good university in UK. Yes, all that is a very good thing. Time to storm off. Quietly.

"Are you listening to us Alison!"

"It's not 'us', it's just 'you'. He's not saying anything." 

Ok, unnecessary but I couldn't help pointing out.

"Father and mother are always counted as one. When I speak, I speak for the two of us. How could you ask such questions? Are you of such low standard now?!"

Response I want to give - I can ask such questions because of my two faculties, namely, brain and mouth.

Response I give in reality - Turn my back and walk away to "my room" (not really mine - story for another time) and shut the door. Not so quietly. I didn't feel exactly polite after that...

*flashback ends*

"Valen? Vaaaalennn? Valen!"

"Huh?"

"Are you ok??" 

Brown eyes filled with so much concern. So much like his. Wherever he is. Hopefully with someone else happily settled.

"Yes Alison, I'm ok. Do you want anything?"

"Water?"

"It's in the back."

Driving here is so peaceful. So relaxing. And Alison's generally quiet. A lot like me as far as character goes though there is a good bit of him too. But at least she's not my polar opposite. I wonder... Oh DAMN!!!!

.

.

.

.

It's official. I hate cows and I hate milk -.- and I hate them crossing the road even worse. Honk.

"Lady, don't you know you shouldn't sound horns at cows?!"