Withdrawal symptoms

I'm breaking line by line
Every word is like tick tock, time
Is my enemy and I cannot
Hide my deep rooted fears
Of this addiction I have.

This addiction I have,
It makes me drunk,
It gives me a nicotine high,
Sometimes even red high, poppy -
Transferred by intimacy and close proximity.

Close proximity, I killed you so many
Times in letters with words, with
Alphabets thrown at your head
All which you claim
Confuse you, and then me.

Then me, I'm breaking
Line by line where every word
Says tick tock, time is
Running out, we've reached goodbye,
But I'm still addicted.

Workaholic

You do not see the tears
That trickle down every night,
After you leave the bed cold;
The only warmth being her work,
She turns to it more.

Then it starts to kill,
A kind of addiction,
A sort of escape,
Where mechanical routine
Is soul numbing - she doesn't feel -

At least, not anymore.

Layers after layers of paper
Smother her in her dreams;
The darkness which comes with it,
The high she gets off it,
All seems worth to hide the pain.

Piles after piles of books,
Miles and miles of faces,
Confused smiles and angry glares,
To work is to be free of the mob,
To be free of the anxiety and pain -

Yet it kills her, each second, a little more.

You do not see her broken spirit
Reflected in her now lifeless eyes,
The bed you left cold long ago,
But now you're back
Just to say goodbye.

The cold machine she has turned into,
The iron fist which she exerts in her field,
The drinks and weed she avoids,
Only to drown herself in more sheets,
Realise that you're the reason she's there -

A workaholic in her cold and lonely despair.

Wishing upon stars

What are you doing, staring up at the sky?

I'm wishing.

Wishing?

I'm wishing upon falling stars my dear, because I don't know if we will lose heart.
I'm wishing upon trains crossing on bridges above my love, because I wonder when we will part.
I'm wishing upon four leaf clovers my sweet, because I don't know if we will cease to meet.

My heart, it's a dark, starless night. What are you seeing?

My dreams in my dark heart, lover. Places that no one will uncover.

Precious

I love him like a wound,
Like a pain in my head
That makes me see stars,
That makes me hope for better days.

I love him like a disease
That I don't want my body to throw away,
Like spots on my face which mark me.

I love him like I love the dark
And yet fear it at the same time,
For it swallows me whole each night.

I love him like a nightmare and a daydream,
Those I can't wake up from and confuse me,
Scare me, scar me, become my tragedy -

Because he is my addiction
Who comes in a bottle with a cigarette in hand,
Who wakes up like time is of no matter,

Who doesn't realize that my each stolen second with him is

Precious.

High

- aftermath of getting too involved in a book : No Way To Say Goodbye by Anna McPartlin.

#HIGH

Is this what it is to get high?
Tell me love, how that comes by.

I lived in a day.

A woman's pain and gain
I saw all her sorrows and stains,
As a man, an addict
Thinking *high* never had a limit,
Children seeing that love
Will not or ever last,
That death would claim it
Or it would come to pass.

An alcoholic, a junkie,
A victim of rape.

I'm on a high of my own terrain.

On a smell, a rustle that took me away
Away from another night alone in the rain,
You gave me my escape love,
You gave me my escape.
But like the story,
Are we too eventually to fade?
If we do, I hope we relight another night,
A bed, a whiskey bottle, soft songs to sing.

Maybe another time and another day,
For I know from your smoke, we are on different ways .

It was raining

It was raining when
I first saw you walking
Alone with a smoke as company.
It was raining when
I spied you outside my window
Still a smoke in your hand
And a thoughtful expression.
It was raining when
You first found me
In my hiding spot in tears.
It was raining when
You pulled me close
And asked, Why?
It was raining when
You asked me if
I want a smoke.
And it was still raining
When I said, No.

And I never saw you again.

Shush... _5

“Shush...“, he whispered in her ear and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Don‘t worry darling. I‘m sorry I spoke like that. It‘s just a bit difficult.“

He spun her around to face him and slowly started moving backwards towards the bed, pulling her with him. They sat. He tucked away a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“My love, look at me.“

Her eyes, which had been squeezed shut, opened and she looked at the floor.

“Look at me darling. Please.“
He caught her chin and tipped her face slightly. Her bleak gaze fell on him reflecting a sense of impending doom and loss. His breath caught. Her eyes, glazed with unshed tears, hurt him and stirred a longing in him. “So beautiful...“, he crooned and gently kissed her.

She couldn‘t resist him but there was also no response of before. The fear stood before anything else. He kissed her some more as she lay lifeless like a ragdoll in his arms... An hour later, he lay asleep next to her, holding her close.

There had been no screams or hints of resistance but there had not been any real response also. The headache was too much. He just wanted to lie down and not be alone. To sleep with her, to lay a claim on her. He just wanted some peace.

She unobtrusively moved his arm off her and got up. Looking around, she cleaned up his kitchenette and generally tidied up the rest of the room. Should she get back into bed or leave? She didn‘t know. His last words before passing out was replaying in her mind over and over again.

“...My love... I would never force you into something you are not ready for. I won‘t take anything you are not willing to give. I just want to know if the... feelings I saw on your face the past few days were true. To know if you love me like I do you. I just want to keep you safe atleast... Trust me darling, I would never hurt you...“
Then he had sagged down on her, passing into quiet oblivion, leaving his coffee untouched on the counter. She then lay next to him for half an hour ensuring that he really was asleep. The whole time,she was wide awake from the strong coffee in her system.

Looking back at the sleeping form, her stomach clenched. She had been so afraid. She bent down on the floor, next to him on the bed and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He stirred.

“Shush...“, she whispered and stroked his hair. He turned over and after a few seconds, was back to his vivid dreams.

She got up and washed her hands at the counter, her gaze on the sleeping form on the bed. She hesitated for a few more moments and then gently shutting the door behind her, she left.

___The End___

Shush... _4

“Shush... it‘s all going to be ok“, she crooned stroking his hair as though he was a scared child. He let out another sigh and sat up properly. His mind was made up.
“Will you come with me?“, he enquired over the throbbing in his head. All he knew now was that the proximity, the scent of her, the softness, the crooning, all her actions... Her very nature and response to him was provoking him to some height he himself could not understand.
“Ok... But where to?“, she asked, her hand placed over his on the grass, her thumb tracing circles on the smooth upper part of his calloused hands. “To my room darling. Come with me, won‘t you? I need to lie down properly but I don‘t want to be alone.“
Startled, she pulled back. Through the haze which was starting to clear in his mind, he caught both her wrists and pulled her hands to his face and nuzzled them.
“Please.“
“I... ok. But I‘ll leave once you are asleep.“
“Ok.“

They walked back to the apartment building and made their way to his studio holding hands like teenage lovers. When in fact, they were mere...friends?

Doubts aside, she let herself be led into the modest studio. There was a neat bed in the corner near the single huge french window and a messy but fully equipped kitchenette to the side. The other side had a door which she presumed was the bathroom and a small television set sat on a table near the foot of the bed. It was a seemingly welcoming room with its pale yellow walls with pretty pictures put up creatively on the bare bits of wall. The other colour and the only piece of luxury in the room was a bright fluffy red rug which was placed prominently in the centre of the studio.

He put his hand on her lower back and gently pushed her towards his bed. He turned, locked his door, debating what to do. The hangover was still there, clouding his mind. But he knew for certain what he wanted now... and it was something only she could give.

She sat, unnerved, on a corner of his bed. She wordlessly watched him bolt the door and pause a moment too much with his back to her. A strange feeling of foreboding rose in her chest.

Something didn‘t feel right.

He went to his little kitchen counter and started making coffee. Ignoring what was pulling him like a steel pin to a magnet, her. And sitting on his bed, no less.
“Coffee?“
“Yes. Thank you.“
“How much sugar?“
“I‘ll put it myself.“
She moved to the counter and took the sugar tin from his hand. His face was grim. Measuring out her one and a half teaspoon of sugar, she asked,“What‘s wrong?“
“Nothing. Leave that.“
“But you don‘t look like it‘s nothing.“
“It doesn‘t matter ok?!“, his rough tone vibrated with slightly withheld menace. She trembled to the core at the dangerous note and moved away with dignity, holding up a steaming mug of coffee in front of her like a defense.

She turned away. He turned away. ‘This was a bad idea. A very bad idea‘, he worried. The haze in his mind was clearing and the desire in him was growing stronger and stronger.

She faced the wall, her eyes writ with shock... and fear. What if he hurt her? She should have never come alone to his room. She had always come with their gang of friends, never alone. No one would know if something went wrong. Their friends would just assume they went somewhere together... After all they were together most of the time these days.

He glanced behind him, gripping the counter top. The throbbing in his head returned with full force. He glanced at her and then at the bed.

Then at her again. His resolve made, he went and stood behind her.

Shush... _3

“Shush, it‘s ok. Lie down here, on my lap. Come.“
“But...“
“Come.“
“But I stink. You hate it.“
“Thank your luck because a cold blocked my nose halfway. I can‘t smell anything very strong. Lie down. You‘ll feel better.“
“Ok.“
He fell back on to her lap and closed his eyes. His head was buzzing. She must be speaking very softly because it sounded like a normal volume to him and in his current state... every sensation was amplified. So the shock he felt when soft, full lips brushed against his forehead was magnified tenfold. A slight shiver ran down his spine at the sensations running wild over his skin.

His eyes remained closed. She decided he had fallen asleep. Then it wouldn‘t hurt to just experiment. To just see if the spark was there. If there was ever even a possibility. His breathing was even. No one was around at that time of high noon. She gently kissed him on his lips.

There were no words to say. They didn‘t need words. His hand came up and tangled itself in her hair, holding her face in place. The first kiss, supposed to be a small test, became a full experiment... between them both.

Slowly, he let her loose and she came back to her sitting position. He turned himself to face away from her, his head still on her lap.

She sat stiff and erect, mortified by what just happened. Her reaction to him and his reaction to her had been incredible. ‘Like carbonate in HCl‘, whispered the geek in her and she found herself stopping a smile. This was not right.

The past two weeks... he had been there more than her other friends. In fact, last few days she hadn‘t even felt like being with anyone much and had pushed everyone off... except him. What made him special? Not the looks, not the arrogant demeanor and not the cutthroat style of dealing with her. It couldn‘t be. Or may be it was the fact nobody else dared to be like that with her. And no other guy had dealt with her with this kind of self-confidence to take what he wanted and give back so much in return. So many possibilities. Such a complicated person with so many sides. She still felt the imprint of his gentle minstrations from yesterday. But the question she had no real answer to was why her.

His head was buzzing. He wasn‘t thinking rationally. Such a gentle girl, he shouldn‘t end up causing her more hurt when she had enough going on in her life. But he had found all that out just recently. Quite recently. She had been everyone‘s last resort. Someone who would quietly listen if you were genuinely upset and offer solutions. The practical one. So this Impractical move was quite unexpected from her. It was clear even in his addled mind that she was giving an unspoken answer to his unasked question from yesterday. And it was quite sure that she wouldn‘t let it repeat either. He groaned. Why on earth had he drunk himself to oblivion last night? To quench his burning desire to be with a certain someone maybe.

His groan caught her attention. She was sure it was louder than what he expected it to be. She placed a firm hand on his shoulder and asked, “Are you ok? Do you need anything?“
‘Can I say : “Yeah, you“ ?‘, he mused and croaked out,“Water...“
“Ok, here you go“, she replied, fishing out a bottle from her small satchel which was next to her.
“Thanks“, he sat up and drank thirstily. His throat was parched. He stank even to himself. He could see her, Feel her controlling her small coughs caused by the stench of cigarette smoke that clung to his shirt. He was not in a good state. But all he wanted was to be near her... it was comforting somehow, her presence.

Shush... _2

“Shush, it‘s ok“, he whispered, his mouth next to her ear. Now both her hands were under his, his body half-pinning her down under him. She tensed.
“Please...No.“
He paused for a beat, continuing the momentary contact of his lips with the soft hair... and then moved back to his side and lay down. ‘What was I thinking?‘, he wondered and then told himself mockingly,‘Absolutely nothing.‘

‘I‘m not in a good state of mind now. We should leave. I shouldn‘t let him kiss me anywhere‘, she warned herself but still remained next to his warmth, unmoving and silent. There wasn‘t anything to be done. In both of their minds, their mutual reactions were being read as lust - pure and simple, triggered by the circumstances and the environment they were in. Suddenly a phone started beeping.

“Hello?“, his voice sounded more gruff than usual and he had no explanations.

His tersely spoken ‘Hello‘ made her more tense. ‘Now what?‘, she looked at his face trying to gauge his reaction in the dimly lit night. Abruptly, he cut the call with an “Okay“, equally terse as his ‘Hello‘. But he was generally perceived as rough-and-tough, no-nonsense guy. He pushed himself up and pulled her up as well without any preamble.
“We‘re going to our respective rooms. Ok?“, it was more of dry statement than a question. An order worded to seem like a request. At that moment, being quite lost in her mind, she just nodded. He walked her back to her studio apartment.
“Goodnight“, he turned to leave.
“Wait, what happened? Who called?“, she spoke out loud suprising herself even with the strength and clarity of her voice.
“It was my friend. I‘m going to go drink. We bought booze earlier this evening.“
She bit her lip and then said quietly after a moment‘s hesitation,“Please be careful.“

He watched her slight frame stand in the doorway with a worried expression. A loving expression. He sighed. He looked at her face one last time and turned away. He couldn‘t. He wouldn‘t. He shouldn‘t accept her offer of love. It will just come back to bite him in the behind, he knew.

“I‘m going to drink and smoke. It‘s what I do at times. See you.“

Watching his retreating figure, she hoped morning would come soon. And it did. She found herself in the same park, in the same spot alone. Trying to figure out if last night was real or not. A figure in rumpled clothing and shades dropped down on the grass next to her. She could smell the whisky on his breath still strong even though it was nearly noon.
“Take off your shades.“
“I don‘t think that‘s a good idea.“
“Just take it off.“
Her quiet order had him taking off his purple tinted shades to reveal dark-rimmed red eyes.
“I‘m sorry.“
“You look creepy, but no, don‘t wear the shades with me. Don‘t hide from me.“
“I swear to you, I have never got this drunk my whole life and I have been drinking for quite a few years now. It‘s scary for me too.“
She watched his face with soft concern in her eyes. His bloodshot eyes, rumpled clothes from last night, the telltale smell and his evident fatigue made her stomach clench. She wanted to take care of him and the feeling was very strong. It didn‘t feel like he was just a friend. She caressed his face with her fingers, feeling the morning stubble and pulled it close.

Shush... _1

“Shush, I don‘t want to say anymore.“
“You don‘t have to.“
An owl hooted on the nearby tree as they lay on the grass and stared up at the stars. His fingers touched hers quietly seeking to give comfort. His hand fell over hers and squeezed. For few more moments, the silence lay like a blanket over them, caressing and lulling them. She turned to face him.
“Hey.“
“Yes?“
“Why are you holding my hand?“
He turned to face her. They lay face to face on the hard grass oblivious to the discomfort. “Why?“
“Because it feels right.“
“Hmm?“
“It feels good when I hold your hand.“
“Oh. Ok.“
The invisible blanket fell over them again. Streetlight reflected on his jet black hair and his eyes gleamed golden brown. She closed her eyes tightly, drinking in the memory. Saving it for later. Obviously it couldn‘t last. She felt a warm hand on her waist, pulling her closer. ‘What is happening?‘, she mused and held back tears that threatened to spill over.

Her face was in the shadows but her hazel brown eyes glinted in the dim light. Her soft black hair fell in waves over her shoulders. ‘Beautiful... But this would never work‘, he told himself. Too beautiful to be trusted. Yet... When those eyes suddenly gleamed with a sheen of tears to come and then hid behind dark lids, dark from many sleepless nights... His hands, his body seemed to develop a mind of its own. He had never felt like protecting someone this way, so intense... And his hand found a way to her waist where it lay like a puzzle piece which had found its other half.
“May I hold you?“, a whispered question he couldn‘t believe was leaving his mouth. A slight rustling of grass and a small, lithe body lay snuggled into his. Finally accepting the bit of comfort he offered.
“The past doesn‘t matter. Let it go, it will be ok.“
Her eyes opened and looked straight at his. Their faces were an inch apart. Suddenly they froze.

She held her breath. He was just a friend.

He held his breath. She was just a friend. Then he lifted his face and kissed her forehead. He sat up and offered his hand.

He touched his lips to her forehead with a feather-light touch that spoke volumes to her. He pushed himself up and offered a hand to pull her up which she dazedly accepted.

They sat on the grass with their blanket of silence wrapped around them comfortably. Their eyes were on a street lamp across the garden from them but seeing something else.

They were in different worlds.

“Let‘s go. It‘s past 11.30“, her soft words shook him from his reverie. Her face bore no signs of sadness of any kind. It was back to the cool, soft features with the hard, dry eyes. The only part that betrayed any sign of fatigue were her dark-rimmed eyes. As he watched, she stood up.

‘Please don‘t betray me‘, she prayed. To him or herself, she wasn‘t sure. She wanted badly to just let go. To let go in his strong, lean arms which would protect her when she was vulnerable. She stood up saying, ‘Let‘s go‘. But that was what she wanted in the least. It would have been a chance to continue to spin the magic of the night. Her eyes were on his broad feet. ‘He has hair on his feet‘, she noted the light sprinkling of dark hair over his feet.

He looked up at her silhouette. She was standing against the light but he thought he could make out a slight trembling. He caught her wrist and said a clear “No. Stay.“

She caught her breath when he caught her wrist and it came out in a rush at his next words, “No. Stay.“
“Why?“
“Because you want to.“
“What?!“
“Because we want to. Stay.“
“No... It‘s...“
“Come. Lie down.“
“I... Ok. Ok. Only for a little while.“
“Half an hour?“
“Fine.“

She sat down and lay back on the grass, her heart thudding. He sat and watched her. She was in the light. Her hair was messed up and pieces of grass stuck in it. Her face was pale making her dark circles look like greyish bruises around her eyes. Her lips were the palest of pinks, almost white. The rise and fall of her chest was too even as though controlled. Her arms were folded and kept on her belly. He couldn‘t take his eyes off this thin wraith-like waif of a friend. He took one small, delicate hand in his rough one and kissed the inside slowly, his eyes on her face. Her breath hitched and she tried to feebly take her hand. He let it go and turned and bent such that he was on top and gazing down at her. Her face registered shock for a moment before her lips curled into a slow smile,“Just what do you think you are doing?“
“Nothing“, he replied and bent his head towards her.

The Mistress

The usual and only question, why?
Was I not enough or is it about you?
I see you find her more seductive
But can't you see her killing you?

Her slenders fingers wrap around,
Curling wistfully and fading :
A hope to become real.
I see this in front of me.

My heart breaks, I reject all,
For I can't bear this sight of you and her!
How can I? She is like your mistress,
A quick fix, a small light in the dark.

A bittersweet alliance I wish you'd leave
Because I am starting to wonder
If it's I who is the mistress or she,
Since you met her long before me.

Seduced by Greyness

Eventually to burn a hole in my chest.

I see the grey fumes
Curling around you,
Smoke rings and what else?
I don't know. Never tried.

Never got curious enough.
Scared? Yes. Completely,
Enough to know I won't. Why?
Because I see marks of death.

A grey death seducing you,
That drug isn't a drug. How?
It's not the thing it seems to be.
How are you? High on a smoky cloud.

Somewhere I can't see,
Somewhere I can't reach,
And everyday I wish that
You won't go any further from me.

But I feel you drifting
High, floating, somewhere far.
Far from me.
So very far from me.

Heartburn

There is no escape.
When what breaks silence is silence,
And your loudest cries are never heard,
And they come from within :
Where there is ravaging and destruction,
Tears, blood and endless spots
Of blackness undefined
Tinged by a forgotten red of scraped knees,
Wounded heads and more.
Where you find that realisation
That there is no one.
No one to hold out a hand
To say that they understand
When they are in a war of their own.
And one puff of that repulsive smoke
That clears the mind feels like rot in my soul.