Give me a million words

Give me a million words
and you'll still find me lost
and clueless
and helpless when I
look upon your face in the morning sunlight at 6am
and realise that I am in love
yet again for the umpteenth time
and that I can't fathom
how much I feel for you
and sometimes I think I shouldn't try to measure it
at all
and I should just feel

Feel your arm curling around me and pulling me
close like I am the answer to
all your questions and the only reason
you find worth keeping
next to you
day
after day
after day
without a change
and I do believe that
it was with Beau Taplin
and his lines that I got to thinking
how fleeting feelings are and yet
we keep thinking of finding ways
to immortalise it
and capture those feelings
but then again I do believe
(again)
that I was only supposed to feel

Feel your steady breathing against my neck and
get comforted back into the lull of easy dreaming
with an arm thrown around you
like I'm afraid each moment that you
might change your mind
seeing all my bruises
black red and blue and decide
that I am a chameleon and
not really all that beautiful as
you think I am and then you might just
really change your mind
but I think I should be calming down and
just feeling what I

Feel when I see your eyes
molten gold in the morning sunlight
streaming into the room with dust motes
dancing hallelujah that I found
that one man who might just stay
and grow along
right next to me
and tell me everyday that
he loves me
even with my moods
and ends
and bits
and pieces
and weird laughs
and looks
and bookworming
nature and I can only

Feel
and feel some more because
I don't have words to capture those and
make a definition of how this is exactly supposed to be
when each day becomes my new favourite day
with you

My god and I am your worship.

"I"

I am not ready.
I'm not ready for your questions -
I don't have answers to those,
I already know it but
I truly do not know.

I am not ready.
I am no longer as strong as
I used to be,
I am no longer that person that
I used to be.

I am not ready.
I am not ready for a yes,
I am not ready for a no,
I am revolving in maybe-s,
I do not, honestly, have a clue.

I am not ready.
I am not going to tell you that
I was a Venusian princess or that
I was adopted or that
I was someone.

I am not ready, not yet.
I am not someone,
I could be anyone,
I could your angel or
I could be your nightmare.

I could be your promise or
I could be your regret,
I could be a mother, a daughter or
I could be another face to forget.
I could be anything.

I am not, but, ready, as of yet.

Notebook scribbles #235

somewhere I'm trying to find the pieces
which made me me
and now I'm wandering and waiting
oh so aimlessly
in gardens overgrown with seaweed
and fish but what attracts me the most
are the sharks and the devilfish
which promise me a quick end
from this briny thick mess
where I can neither swim nor drown
nor reach out nor call
and they promise me a quick goodbye,
a lingering demise, a painful surprise
that won't be quite unwelcome in this fog
where I do not wish to exist at all -

if were not but for you.

Snehathode snehekku

You're like a kaleidoscope.
A beautiful multitude of colours,
Many glass pieces joined together
In beautiful symmetry
And you knew each bit -
But I don't think you were so happy.

So happy, as you can be now.
I know you miss yourself,
I know you miss the optimistic
Idiotic, sensitive, naive little child
That annoyed the socks off me
No matter how much I adore you.

You're still a kaleidoscope.
A beautiful kaleidoscope with
Newer pieces and older pieces slightly cracked,
A newer version with a modern(?)
Outlook and out-look...
Not broken really but remade maybe,

Evolved like Martians took you
To Mars and experimented on you
Instead of Venusians taking you
And the wrong spaceship
Went the right way.

Seemingly when you're on the phone
Right now and I'm wondering
Why you can't realise that words
Are pointless here and
I need you as much as
You need me and
I love you. Period.

Kaleidoscope or no kaleidoscope.

Where are you?

Where are you? When I'm calling to home and when I'm alone on the floor.

Where are you? When the fog isn't clearing and the river is nearby, and I don't know how to swim.

Where are you? When the sun is setting and I'm looking around for the hand I used to hold.

Where are you? When the magic of rain doesn't hold any magic for me anymore...

Where are you?
Behind me and around me,
encompassing me in fluid desire to name
this person as a home where I can stay
without fear, without restraint,
where I may sleep held safely
in a boat of your arms and body
and beautiful golden brown eyes
shining, lighting the path ahead
not alone.

Love and wishes

If love was what we had then why did you have to walk away? Why did we end up calling each other names in our minds and then weep with our hearts on seeing the other's face?

If love was what we have then why do you seem so far away? Even when we sit next to each other, the distance between us just seems to grow bigger...

If love was what it was then why did we let it drown in our blood? It was born from love and it died in miserable apathy and indifference.

And that... that was the worst.

Style ..

She used to be quite good with words,
Not a single feeling escaped her pen
And if you cut her, she would bleed -
Black with despair, sadness,
Haunted with memories of Others,
She would bleed black and then
Weave a web of her own making in
Infinite words and phrases that
Don't have an end and run-away
Sentences.

Run away. She always just ran away,
From notions of love and passion
That wasn't dark enough,
That wasn't deep enough
Like a night sky full of storms -
Till you came along and
Seeing your red tshirt and blue jeans
She rephrased her sentences and it all
Became. Very. Short.

From then it was just -
Smile, the curve on his face.
Grin, his lighting up the night.
Red, his tshirt, shirt, blood and heart.
Blue, his jeans, his watch, his flip-flops.
Love, when he turns to her in RBGs.
She didn't need much and her flavours
Changed so much, her dark friend faded
And everything was light.

Then she found beer.
Beer which made him feel different.
Beer which was brown but made
Him, the dark friend, appear.
Beer which made him in RBGs seem
A bit faded and then delusionary
And then colourful and then a bright
Yellow spot in a night sky
Which swallowed her up and made
Run-away sentences again leading
Her nowhere except back into His arms,
Whose?

Then she found love again.
She found love again with RBGs,
And a black belt, silvery buckle,
New shoes, new look, he was going out.
She felt red was wonderful and then
She tried to describe it.
She fell wordlessly asleep with His name
On her lips and him forgotten.

She wasn't so good with words since then
But,
She started living in a different way.
Instead of in stories and words and phrases,
She started living the days, each one
Finding more treasures and worlds
Than her words took her to and all
In RBGs and not
Black and white. Not again.

Sunshine threads

To my.

It's at times like these that I realise
How much you are to me -
That time when I broke my arm,
And I couldn't write,
I felt I was bleeding ink on bedsheets
Instead of on crisp white paper.

You called me
And you made me laugh,
You made me forget,
You helped me refigure the words,
Repeat them over and over again
Till I knew I wouldn't forget it
And neither would you

And that paper could wait
Because you had me and I had you
To take care of.
*

It's at times like these that I realise
You're much more than a colour -
I would have called you red
For your passion, your life,
I would have called you blue
For the ink you spill on papers
Just like I and
I might have called you yellow
Because you are like sunshine
And white for your Colgate smile.

Did you change to Pepsodent yet?

Then when we both flunk physics
And we tell each other that we've been
Screwed,
And we end up laughing even though
It's either a pass for 12th grade
Or welcome back school life
After the farewell where you turned up
In a wine red sari and I was deep green.
But we both had sunshine threads to join us.

Even in different universities,
In two corners on a map,
Our little corner was always with
That little hut we went to for PE
And you sang, you performed
And I was shocked,
Later turning into your biggest fan
When you light up the stage -
Sunshine threads every time.
*

It's at times like these when I realise
You're my family as much as my -
Best friend, soulmate,
Sister from another mother.

I was going to be a mother and you,
You were to be the godmother,
The aunt who will spoil the kid to high heavens
And it just ended with an anticlimax,
All our plans of Malayalam, English,
History, French, Philosophy,
Any social science, subject which we
Intended to teach him/her along with
Kindness and responsibilities and honesty,
A lot of kindness for this world
That forgets that we are all human,
Honesty in a world which has taught itself
To steal lives, wives, knives, anything,
Responsibilities in world which thinks only
Of its rights without doing its duties...

We lost our much awaited child,
Our baby, my lover and I.
We lost our hopes and dreams,
In one blink of an eye,
In one red torrent and I could detest
That colour red.
But not yours -
Not yours when you came down into that darkness
With a light we couldn't really see,
We were blinded by tears,
Jobs and miserable other lives could just wait.
We needed you and you came.

You came in red for passion.
Red for life.
You showed us what everyone else
Only told us,
That red can be another chance,
Your wine red sari with sunshine threads,
Picking up pieces and
I still remember
Though it was ten years ago and
You told me that I look pretty too
And that we have a whole life in front of us
And papers waiting for my blood,
Red blood, red ink,
This poem stained in red -
Happy and sad,
Destructive and constructive.

Ah. Tell me if I am ever,
A stable grey kaleidescope,
Or a wandering kitten
Or a shade of happy life to you.