Spooks.12.

The Spook_
Ah brother. I have been a pain and taking your space, have I? When did I ever have my own space? Never! And of course, I‘m rubbish to you. Everything is rubbish to you except yourself and the prizes you earned.

And I‘m kind. I‘m so kind brother. Even in death. And that is why, brother, you breathe your last today.

I welcome you to hell. My dear loving big brother.

Ashler Germain (the suicidal lover)_
I can‘t live anymore. Not without her. Not without our child. Not without the family we were becoming. I can‘t bear this loneliness. Baby, I‘m coming to you.

Just one bottle. It will finish this pain. You showed me that. Through the photos. Every night, photos.

No one believes me. No one else can see those photos except me. You are driving me insane baby. And today the picture of that whisky bottle and the pills... Then just the whisky bottle... I knew what you had done. I just knew.

You want me to join you. I‘m so happy. I can‘t help my tears. Nothing is worth as much as you. Nothing in the world.

This is it honey. I finished the bottle. Now I‘m going to sleep. I only wish I‘ll wake up in your arms. My dark angel. My world is with you. Forever.

The Spook_
My time is up. I‘m starting to fade.

*the sound of an ambulance rings through*

I had my revenge. The Devil can take me now. The one in the photo Ash, the one you think of as me, you‘ll find her. I love you so much for going through all that just for me. I love you so much. And I‘m going to keep my promise.

She is the one I‘ll come back as. When you wake up, I‘ll be with you in another body. A body that is going to wake up alone from a coma.

You can‘t die just yet when there is so much more to live for. Those who deserved to... those who hurt me... they paid.

Now God forbid that anyone will say that this Spook is a softhearted one. I just killed my own family.

Atleast Gloria is safe with her secret. I‘m happy. Now I can move on. For good.

Spooks.11.

William Arthur Mathew (the caring big brother)_
The meaning is unclear as of yet. I thought she died of an asthma attack. But every night, her face returns to haunt me. Her hands clawing at her throat, as though trying to stop someone from choking her...

And then there is that idiot of a boyfriend, walking around saying it is such a beautiful day for Mother to have died. My sister died in a calm night. Yes, I didn‘t claim her body. It was against my mother‘s wishes. She was a shame to the family. An unnecessary burden better rid of. The accident just helped matters.

To the rest of the world, my bratty little sister is just missing. She isn‘t dead. Though Germain has been making accusations at me... He is easily taken care of. A few hits on the head and elsewhere will make him see sense.

The sense of what I can do, of course. What my money can do.

Gloria is so soundly asleep. Her first month of pregnancy. So far, I haven‘t had to deal with any trouble. The maids always take care of that. I wonder how the child will turn out. Boy or girl? It should be a strong,handsome boy. After all, I am the father.

Sierra... hmm... That brat is now always on my mind! And somehow her name keeps popping up whenever I think of Mother‘s death. Something is amiss here. If I died in my sleep, would anyone blame her?

No. Of course not. She is dead and gone. Even as a ghost, she would be pathetic. Simply useless and pathetic. Too soft for anyone‘s good. Pah.

I hope Mother went to heaven and that brat went to hell. She has simply been a pain to me from the time she was born! Nonsense. She should have never been born. Taking away my space and things. Rubbish. Truly rubbish. Sister... pah. As if I ever cared.

Spooks.10.

Ashler Germain (the terrified lover)_
Someone took a photo of me sleeping... and I live alone. And it‘s followed by her picture... starting to swell with our child. A picture that could have never existed if she wasn‘t alive.

Then... how? Sigh. I‘m in tears again. I can‘t stop listening to her favorite song. ‘Rewind‘ by The Rascal Flatts.

Put the moon back up in the sky/ Put a cork back into that sweet red wine/ Put your midnight hair back up/ So you can let it fall one more time/ Untouch your skin/ Unkiss your lips then kiss them again/ So good, so right/ This is one night I wish that I could rewind...

Those lyrics just strike at me now. Why. Why her. I loved her more than anything. We were a day away from marriage. She made me dream when I was awake. Now I can‘t sleep.

The days barely move. Falling back on the bed, I can‘t stop looking at her. She is here. I know. I‘ll meet her again. The picture was taken an hour ago. The photo of me sleeping a little before that.

Oh baby. You‘re so beautiful. I miss you. Come back. Show me that wishes come true.

The Spook_
Slowly... slowly. He can see me in photos. He can see me. He SEES me. He sees ME. HE sees me. Ash. My love.

I‘m going nowhere darling. I still sleep with you. Your wish came true maybe? I don‘t know. But will you come me?

“Will you come with me?“

Ashler Germain (the despairing lover)_

So beautiful ... “Will you come with me?“, that soft,husky whisper. That ... but... no, it CAN‘T be. I should say no. Whoever it is. Even if it is her. I can‘t just die. I have a family who depends on me, who loves me. I can‘t do it to them.

“Yes.“

What am I saying?

The Spook_
That‘s all I need. A soft whisper, so full of hope. I can‘t take your life. But I can come back into it. And that is what I‘ll do. I‘ll give a baby to you. A baby me.

I need you. I need your presence, your warmth and your care in real. I‘m coming back home. To you. Very, very soon.

Hidden Lies

Hidden lies, the truths you hide behind
That reveal nothing to the unsuspecting
And is everything to you,

Because if it were to break,
All the walls will shatter and fall
All around you, the armour will fall,

And nothing will remain.
Hidden lies, no one knows
That you let them believe what they wish,
The lies you never said yet created,

‘Half truths‘ are what people call them,
Yet truth nevertheless, to keep others guessing
But far away, because the truth will hurt
If it is revealed today.

Trying For Distance

Distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But this strange need is making it harder,
How did this come to pass
That for the first time, I wish something would last?
Stranger still, the hand clenching my heart,
Unknown and new, the fear of losing you,
I don‘t want to know it,
Don‘t want to be in love,
I want to go back to normal -
Where I know death touches all I love.

Spooks.9.

Lucky No.9. _

She felt pressure on her throat. Inside her throat. All the air was being sucked out of her. Literally. She couldn‘t breathe. Reaching out for the inhaler on her nightstand, she choked as she knocked over other things. It was missing.

“MOTHER!“, she suddenly heard her son‘s scream. The gasps were getting louder. The breaths were becoming harder.

No. More. Air, the thought passed through her mind as her vision suddenly flooded with bright light. She passed out.

As the light filled the room, he rushed to her collasped form on the wooden floor. “Mother! Wake up! Where‘s the damn inhaler???! Oh MY GOD, Maman, BREATHE!!! GLORIA!!!!!!! WE NEED AN AMBULANCE!!!!“

Tears started streaking down his face. What was this?! His wife rushed into the room in a slinky black nightgown.
“Maman!“, she screamed seeing her beloved mother-in-law‘s body. “Will, lift her out! The ambulance is on it‘s way!“

Her husband turned to her slowly, his face white. “There won‘t be any use now Glo. She‘s gone. There is no more pulse. I think it stopped before I even got to her. Oh God, Glo. Everyone‘s gone now. Everyone.“
“Oh Will“, she laid a comforting hand on his shoulder as tears streamed down his face. Only a week ago, their sister had had a fatal accident. And now this. She hugged her husband. The clear dark sky outside betrayed no signs of the tragedy inside the big house.

The funeral was arranged quickly for the next morning itself. It was a quiet affair. Since the death of their father, their mother had been a bit of a recluse. Her wheezing problem didn‘t help matters either. The sky was clear and bright. A morose little group had gathered and all had a few words to say about what a sweet lady she had been, how welcoming, how kind. After the ceremony, one person looked at the sky and remarked,“It‘s so clear. It looks like such a cheerful day. Maybe her husband is welcoming her back.“

Suddenly a chill ran down his bone. Ashler turned around. He was sure he was being watched. But he just couldn‘t understand. The chill suddenly went away, just as it had come.

Here is the bit that he didn‘t know. The chill was his dead girlfriend‘s response to his statement,“Not my father Ash. It‘s me. I sent her to hell. Where all good mothers go...when they kill their offspring. Such a perfect day betrays my happiness. Mine. Goodbye now.“

A small white mist formed around the funeral party and dissipated just as quickly. No one thought it weird. It smelt salty and everyone assumed it was an anomaly of nature. After all, the sea was nearby.

...

The Killer_

It‘s so dark.

“Welcome to the afterlife. Your daughter awaits you.“

My daughter? No. No. No. Not her.

I‘m so sorry baby. I did it for you.

_The End_

Spooks.8. (Cont.)

The Spook_
I am going to go down in history as the most pathetic ghost ever who doesn‘t know whom to take revenge on.

Oh. Wait. I‘m a ghost. I‘m already history. Yay me.

But really, am I so useless that I can‘t remember the face of the person who hit me with their car and thus killed me? Maybe I am. Wonderful.

The last one left to say farewell to is Mother. She took another room after Father passed away. It‘s quaint, I suppose. Pink and peach. My mother‘s favourite colours. Look at her. Sleeping so peacefully and snoring like a lawn mower. Pleasant dreams, Mother.

Mm... now that I‘m here, forgive me. I feel that burning curiousity to read your diary. I have read everyone else‘s, here in this house. Though I‘m not sure if my brother‘s diary can be considered un journal intime since all that is there are dates and events. I was marked too. Twice.

*May 14_00:00_Spook‘s birthday.*

Followed by

*May14_21:13_Sierra passed away in a car accident.*

How sweet yet somehow incredibly naïve of him to classify my death with all the other car accidents. Yish.

Well mother of mine. Forgive me for reading. Let me see if you let your perfectionist self be naughty this year.

...

Oh my. Merde maman. Santa won‘t be giving you any presents this year. Oh no way in hell. I just can not let that happen. Now can I? Mother...

Spooks.8.

William Arthur Mathew (the loving big brother)_

I can‘t sleep. I feel her presence. How much am I to convince myself she is dead? That I am not guilty of anything?

I have to get up. Brr... It‘s so chilly, all of a sudden. I want my mother. Let me go to her room. My wife won‘t miss me anyway.

I‘ll sleep with mom for a while. I‘m going to her.

Spooks.7.

The Killer (who shall remain nameless)_
Maybe I shouldn‘t have done that. But I couldn‘t bear this grief, this...shame. It was too much. I loved her too much to let her go through with it. How could she have let that anomaly happen to her?! I was so sure she would tire of him and come back... till he told me. Oh how happy he was. After all the lies to her brother saying they have no interest in marriage or kids! All it took was two positive pregnancy tests. That cheapskate bounty hunter was just after her money!

Oh how could she have given herself to him?! But now...that disgrace is over. On the bright side of all this tragedy, everyone can hope that her father‘s name has remained unsullied.

She was a fool. She didn‘t deserve what I gave her. She‘s safer this way... dead.

Spooks.6.

The Spook_
My brother didn‘t have to kill me. The house was in his name, so was most of the wealth. Done moments before my father passed away.

I‘m standing, or rather floating near their bedroom window. Will and Gloria are sleeping. They look tired and disturbed though. But if he didn‘t do it then whom am I supposed to “take revenge“ on? Myself?

My life in this mansion was an utterly bogus lie. I had everything I asked for. Pretty clothes, total freedom to do and act as I please, whatever food I asked for, anything I wanted. Things. I had every THING.

I was depressed though. Most of the time. Trapped in a nutshell so beautiful yet grey, one of my favourite lines. I knew I was loved, I just never saw it except how they measured it out to me in things. I knew my brother cared for me, he just never wanted to give me any identity or individuality or a space in that house to call my own. I knew my parents loved us equally, I just always got pushed to the sidelines because my brother had more valid needs. Like a system of a whole floor to him and a bed and two big suitcases full of clothes to me. Oh, and a bag of knicknacks and other odd things.

After all, as the girl, I should move away to the place of whomever I marry. But I never wanted to marry. I never ever actually said yes when Ash asked me... though that was probably because it would have become a marriage of convenience. A legal document signed just to make the accidental pregnancy legitimate.

Which I still don‘t understand how it could ever have happened. I mean, I was on the pill and everything. One of those accidental situations I guess. Ash was never someone to play around with his words. He is feeling guilty because of the child. I bet that‘s why he was that sad. Oh, he loved me but enough to always make clear that he is not interested in marriage. Of course. I agreed.

Too dumb from too much love to the man I gave my virginity too. How silly and naïve. But, it was great sex. Oh yes. He knew how to please and be pleased. No issues there. Would he have tried to kill me to avoid marriage...?

Nope. He can‘t act all this time. I‘m in his room now. Used to be our room. He is lying on the bed, staring at the constellation of glow-in-the-dark stars I put up on the ceiling. Tears are slipping down the sides of his face.

Where is all the emotion I had before? I wanted to somehow find a way to soothe him even while being my ghostly self. Now there is just a weird feeling of... detachment? It‘s more like I have memories of loving him now than actually loving him. How strange.

Why exactly am I back now? I simply don‘t understand. I have no desire to take revenge. Then?

Running Home

Running away everytime, she wasn‘t waiting or asking for someone or something to stop her. She wanted to know if there was anyone or any place she‘d miss enough to go back home to.

One Phone Call

Bright sunlight, cotton candy clouds,
Blue sea, a long yellow beach,
Picnic on the side, one phone call.

Dark sky, cloudbursts,
Loud music in your ears,
Rain wet against your skin,
Dancing alone on the floor, one phone call.

Someone to join the dance,
Someone to ruin a picnic,
You know which is better -
Not the blinding sun in your eyes,
But the rain washing away memories.

Spooks.5.

Gloria William Mathew (the faithful wife and loving sister-in-law)_

As her best friend... this hit-and-run doesn‘t seem accidental. It seems pre-planned. I married her brother, yes. I am stupid at times, I‘m weak.

The only person who truly saw through me was my little sister. She didn‘t believe my weak affections and acts. I remember her asking me, why I act stupid. I told her because it‘s easier that way. No one will notice or give me importance... and I gain a lot of knowledge.

Everyone will doubt Will, but I don‘t. He can be cold but not as much as to kill his own sister and definitely not over wealth. Come back little sister. Find out why you died. But I guarantee it‘s not your brother.

Yes, he is hurting me. Everyday. Yes, he is controlling and power-hungry. All the time. But also, yes, he is insecure about being loved. He just wants to be loved and I give him that. He saved me and my father from stark poverty. He treats me to everything I could possibly want. He tries so hard to please me but under a veneer of coldness, of distance.

He isn‘t perfect. Far from it. But I love him and I know the others are wrong to doubt him. He can‘t hurt people. He can‘t hurt family. Even if he may want to, he wouldn‘t and he couldn‘t. His conscience would never let him.

Just seeing him, lying asleep next to me, tired out from our love-making, I know. And he gave me a gift for the first time tonight. I believe he initiated the start of a... family. Our family. He was so tender tonight. Slow, gentle. I see sides of him no one else does. I see him now, a tear escaping his eye. He mourns for his sister though he doesn‘t show it. I doubt if he even acknowledges his own feelings. For some reason, he wants that distant nature to be forefront.

I wish I knew more of his past. More of what made him this way.

He might have hated his sister, might be selfish. But the man I know, the man I married, the man I grew to love, he would never kill his own sister. He can‘t.

Spooks.4.

The Spook_

This is the moment. I can feel it. I‘m rising. Well more like... I‘m leaving the physical world though that sounds too voodoo and slightly cliché. I don‘t weigh anything. I‘m floating in a black space... and I want out. I want to see the first star.

*soft breeze whistling*

No. Ash, I should NOT see you first thing. No, no, no. Please don‘t cry. Please don‘t.

He is half-shouting, half-crying. “... I‘m no poet but baby, if you can hear me now, YOU WERE AND ARE AND WILL BE MY WHOLE WORLD. No one can replace you. It‘ll always be you. Oh god why... WHY?!!!!“

I hear you darling. I hear you loud and clear. I‘m just in front of you. My heart is breaking just like yours Ash. We‘re together but I don‘t know for how long.

Oh Ash. I love you so much. I wanted that life together too. A house by the sea and to walk together on the beach watching our child play in the sand. Time was so short. It was so unfair.

“I know he did it... He warned me... Oh God and there is nothing to prove anything against them... But he did it. I know he did it...“, his voice is a mere whisper. I hear you darling. Continue. Who did this?

A strange feeling of fury was rising in me, my black shadowy silhouette shimmered. I knew somehow that I had no face... that I was just a shadow. But one with a shape and desire. Like... a spook. Speak Ash, tell me. And they will pay for hurting you. For taking me away. For separating us. We never hurt a fly.

“Your brother...“, on his knees now. Baby I wish you could feel me against you, I wish... I wish you could feel my shadowy smoky arms around you, see me kneeling against you, holding you in my grey embrace... an embrace of love and warmth. Yet grey. The grey of death coats me Ash. I can‘t stop it. Speak love. It‘s ok. I‘m here. I feel you. I see you. I‘m here.

“... He said he‘ll remove anything that came in his path to the wealth. Oh Lord, please. She didn‘t want anything. WE didn‘t want anything. I shouldn‘t have let her tell him... that he is going to be an uncle, that we were getting married. I don‘t know what the will says but I‘m damn sure it never said to kill you and our unborn baby. Oh love...“, his sobs were quietening, his trembling reducing. Would anyone understand that these white wisps that rose from me were my tears? Because the sight of him too much. It is just too much...

And nothing will stop me from taking revenge. I will come back. There must be a way. Oh darling there HAS to be a way. We believed in the old ways. Find a gypsy Ash. You need to find a gypsy. They have their ways. They‘ll tell you how we can be together. But first... revenge. Sweet and cold.

He is so silent now. My light hands were around his neck. He is speaking again, “ I miss you so much. I swear I can feel you hugging me.“

Yes my sweet, I‘m holding you. My silhouette is turning a lighter shade of grey. Is it because of my ghost-tears? I don‘t know. My dear Ash, you need to leave sweetheart. Stand up. Go home. I‘m with you only. As always. I‘ll make a pitstop at my father‘s house and then find you. I promise.

I just need to find out why I died... I just need to.

Spooks.3.

Ashler Germain (the unknown lover) _

I can place these roses here. These white and red roses. Your favorites. No one knows now how much I loved you. And how much I hoped we‘d be together. You had left your family for me, I know. Now... I wish you hadn‘t. I don‘t think I was worth that much. As in... your life.
“Baby, the sky is orange and lavender. Its twilight, your favourite time. I promise to stand here till the first star comes out and I‘ll make a wish. Just like you always did. Haha. You are so cute. Sorry, were. No, are. I bet you are beautiful even wherever you are now. You always will be sweetheart. I love you so. *sob* Please come back...“

I can‘t help these tears running down my face. I can‘t help falling down on the grass at your grave on my knees. I can‘t help these nerve-wracking sobs, love. I can‘t. You weren‘t just my best friend and my lover. You were my whole world. And I don‘t think I ever told you that. Even if you knew... I wanted to tell you that. But those bastards, those rascals you call family? They took you away from me honey. Just before our marriage. Just before...

Oh god.

“Our baby... oh sweetheart, they took everything! And I swear I‘m going to take revenge! *heaving from heavy sobs* I‘m no poet but baby, if you can hear me now, YOU WERE AND ARE AND WILL BE MY WHOLE WORLD. No one can replace you. It‘ll always be you. Oh god why... WHY?!“

*screams*

The scream is ringing throughout the cemetary and the first star is out. Hey you, you little star shining down on us, WE know you are far from little, WE know your power. So just this once, please grant this wish, let her come back in flesh and blood and spirit. Let her be whole again. Let us share a life, make a family in some obscure place where we‘ll be happy and disturbing no one. We don‘t want the riches. We just want to be together. Please.

I beg of you.

I whisper, “Please.“

The dark sky rumbled overhead and maybe it‘s my imagination, but I think dark clouds rushed by covering everything but that star. The Pole Star?

Oh god, guide me. Give her back and I swear I‘ll treat her right and make her happy. Oh please. Just... please. Just one wish. Please.

Spooks.2.

William Arthur Mathew (the loving big brother) _

What a relief. No annoying brat to disturb my peace of mind. No annoying brat to bother about sharing Father‘s vast wealth. No annoying brat to spy on me drinking a rich cup of apple brandy with my wife in the dining room. Too peaceful. And knowing that she is probably lying dead somewhere helps a lot too.

“Where do you think she is, husband of mine?“, my wife was eyeing me over her cup. I must admit she is gorgeous. Thick glossy brown hair to her waist, caramel brown skin and beautiful curves... with a brain as tasty and small as a hazelnut. When I told her that her ‘darling little sister‘ ran off with a guy from the village, she believed me all too well. I wonder... are my acting skills so superb? I should consider a try in that direction.
“Hmmm... making babies in a barn somewhere maybe?“
Her shocked expression is so cute. But with a handsome and intelligent millionaire, even her tear-stained face should be pretty for the public. After all, the world should envy me more for adding one more jewel to my collection. A pearl.
“How CRUDE you are! My father would have never tolerated such speech!“
“But I‘m lucky you do eh? And darling, I don‘t want any competition for this inheritance. Its solely mine, er, ours.“
“How? Your sister has an equal claim and...“
So much easier to stop the conversation with a hard kiss and some groping. Everytime without fail, it lights up a billboard across her face reading *bed*. I should be grateful she is such a lusty b***h. Anyone a little more sharper, I would have been in trouble.
“Lover...“
Her fingers were already at my shirt. God, will she never slow down? I wanted some kids soon. 35 is old enough to be toting around a firstborn and a soceity wife.
“Yes honey?“
God, I impress even myself. No one will think that I don‘t love her... except that annoying dead brat. Why isn‘t that topic leaving my head, dammit?!
“Let‘s go upstairs... This time I won‘t fail you I promise.“
Ah... That faint tremor in her voice. Good. She understands and got the message loud and clear.
“Yes baby, let‘s go. Don‘t forget, I love you.“
“Yes...“
“Tell me...“
“And I love you too... with my whole life.“
“Good.“

Spooks.1.

The Spook _

I can‘t move, breathe, speak or hear and it‘s so dark all the time. If I had known it would get this lonely, I would have preferred to be cremated instead. Falling out of grace with your family is a bad thing ethically, I knew. But nobody told me it was lethal too.

*tap* *tap*

“Uh...yes?“
Wow. My voice always was harsh but this was surreal. It was so...gruff and hoarse. Well I should be suprised something was working. I have been underground for a long time now, I think. It was like waking from sleep all of a sudden and finding a huge crushing weight on you, which you realise is NOT the fat, sweaty man who tried to mug you. Should I be relieved that it is just a pile of soil instead?

*tap* *tap* ... *tap* ... *tap* *tap*
“Hello? Anyone alive there?“
Ok. Now I just feel foolish.
“No sweetheart, I‘m dead. But while I‘m glad for your company, I hate to inform you that you are on top of me.“
“What?!“
“Yes sweetheart, my coffin is just below yours.“
“Ah. I see.“
“No I bet you don‘t. It‘s pretty dark.“
Wow. Sarcasm or being a smartass? I care for neither. Atleast I‘m not lonely.

“Yawn...You woke up pretty fast. Well you‘re lucky you got me to tell you why.“
“So I woke up for a reason?“
This was so cramped. There is absolutely no space to move. None.
“The usual baloney. You had anger to resolve before you died without a name.“
Woah. Wait. I can NOT be without a name. I‘m the daughter of Arthur William Mathew, who just happened to be one of the richest (and nicest) guys in the district. And everyone knows me. This is not happening.

“Ok. Listen, I understand you‘ve been in here for longer than me but even YOU would know Arthur William Mathew. He passed away recently... Well before I got here anyway. I‘m his daughter.“
“Look kid, you‘re dead and nameless for some reason because if you are who you say you are then...“
I snorted. “Of course I am, is there any reason for me to lie? I‘m dead already.“
“You‘ve got a point there sweetheart. Look I‘m breaking out of here. You‘re welcome to tag along.“

Break out?! I‘m dead. I can talk but I don‘t think I can say the same about my body. I felt displaced and dispositioned in various places. For the first time since... waking up(?!) I felt relieved it was dark and cramped.
“I don‘t understand“, I said cautiously.

*TAP*
“Of course, I‘m dealing with a novice here. Listen, your body will stay. Here. YOU, on the other hand, can try to leave. I don‘t know if you can on the same day as awakening but you can try. At some point you won‘t feel your body anymore. Then you‘ll literally make yourself sit up and walk out, cool as a cucumber.“

I was stuck with a lunatic brother when I was alive. Now I‘m stuck with a mad dead person. Figures.
“I don‘t understand.“
“Of course you don‘t. The second time is the last time you get to do that, be warned. The first time I doubt you‘ll get far but I have a score to finish. Haha. Bad movie dialogue-ish, but true.“
Um. Could this get any weirder? Hm. Could this be a bad dream?
“Hey kid, listen. I‘m leaving. Don‘t expect me back sweetheart. Good luck and I hope you‘re not in love. Haha. Because I would like to pick you up in the afterlife. Toodles!“
What! The cheek! “Jackass!“, I shouted only to be answered by fading laughter. Did I feel my body? Not really. Not like when the conversation started. I was feeling... lighter(?) by the second. May be it was possible to leave soon after “the awakening“. Let‘s see.

Brother

How much will you push
Till I‘m forced to hush?
How much will you try
Till I‘m forced to die?

Brother in name
And not in deeds,
You will go lame -
It‘s a curse indeed.

You will go blind,
A family you won‘t find,
You will go dumb
Then one shall see you as a dump,

Brother by blood
And not by deeds,
I hope you to be drowned in floods-
Oh yes, this is a curse indeed.

Shush... _6

EPILOGUE:

“Hey. Wake up“, he shook her shoulder. He had fallen asleep right afterwards and he felt terrible. What had happened? The room was dark. She was under him. He felt her moving, trying to get up.

“Uh...uh..Mhmm“, he muffled her voice with his hand over her mouth. Then the graphic images returned. The slow kissing, then pushing her down, not even bothering to fully undress and hurriedly redressing afterwards. Had it been a dream? He hoped so.

“Shush... Stay calm ok?“, he said softly, slowly removing his hand. There was a fear in him about how she would respond... IF she did at all respond.The calmness in her voice chilled him when she finally spoke after an excruciatingly long minute.
“I am calm.“
“I... Did we...?“
“Yes.“
“Did we use...um..?“
“No.“
“Oh HELL! I am so sorry! Sweetheart...“
“Don‘t“, she placed a finger on his lips, finding it correctly in the darkness,“Don‘t say a word.“
The silence extended like spring more and more ready to bounce. “I‘m sorry... I am so sorry, I wasn‘t myself and... Oh God. I have no excuse.“
“I don‘t want excuses. What happened happened. You can‘t change that.“
“I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. I‘ll buy you an ECP. Are you ok? My love... What did I do?“, trembling, few tears fell from his eyes.

Everything was going wrong. She had... had an intense experience. But she wouldn‘t call it rape. No. She had wanted it. That was a stunning revelation. She had wanted it. But... not like this. Not when he was like this.

“Why ...“, his voice shook. The room was pitch black and he wanted to see her. To look in her eyes and beg forgiveness. He started to feel around for the switch and asked,“Why didn‘t you stop me? You didn‘t stop me... Why, why, WHY?“
He flipped the switch at that exact moment. His liquid golden-brown eyes registered shock. She was smiling. A quiet, thrilled smile as though she had just discovered something too wonderful for words.

And she had. She loved him like no other. Enough to even allow this.

“I... I think I am in love with you“, she confessed, her soft brown eyes betraying the hint of excitement and fear that her voice and other features did not.

“WHAT?!“, he exploded. He caught her shoulders and pushed her back into the bed, looking at her eyes, begging them to say it‘s a lie.

“I... We... That... That happened ok? It wasn‘t some dream. You should be hating me! Oh God, why didn‘t you stop me?!“, he groaned out loud. She eyed him, a half-smile still on her face.
“Because I didn‘t want to. You needed me so I let you. It‘s just... I don‘t want next time like that. It was...scary.“
“You fool“, he said quietly,“I raped you. Don‘t you get it?“
“But you love me. You told me you did.“
“No. No.“ He sat up and so did she. Her facing him and him hiding his face in his hands.
“You told me so before you passed out.“
“What is WRONG with you woman?! Hate me! I took your dignity!“
“You took my love.“
“Oh God. Just give me time. I... I can‘t believe it.“
“Ah, but you have to“, she stood up and stretched,“I woke up a while ago actually. I bought groceries and cooked dinner. It‘s in the fridge. Just heat it up.“
“Wait! Where are you going?!“
“Back to my room. I‘m feeling sore.“
“I‘m really...“
She put a finger to his lips silencing him.
“Shush... I‘m leaving now. Goodbye.“
Mouth open, he watched as she opened the door and gently shut it behind her. She paused a moment outside the door unbeknownst to the one inside. Then she smiled again and... She left.

Shush... _5

“Shush...“, he whispered in her ear and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Don‘t worry darling. I‘m sorry I spoke like that. It‘s just a bit difficult.“

He spun her around to face him and slowly started moving backwards towards the bed, pulling her with him. They sat. He tucked away a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“My love, look at me.“

Her eyes, which had been squeezed shut, opened and she looked at the floor.

“Look at me darling. Please.“
He caught her chin and tipped her face slightly. Her bleak gaze fell on him reflecting a sense of impending doom and loss. His breath caught. Her eyes, glazed with unshed tears, hurt him and stirred a longing in him. “So beautiful...“, he crooned and gently kissed her.

She couldn‘t resist him but there was also no response of before. The fear stood before anything else. He kissed her some more as she lay lifeless like a ragdoll in his arms... An hour later, he lay asleep next to her, holding her close.

There had been no screams or hints of resistance but there had not been any real response also. The headache was too much. He just wanted to lie down and not be alone. To sleep with her, to lay a claim on her. He just wanted some peace.

She unobtrusively moved his arm off her and got up. Looking around, she cleaned up his kitchenette and generally tidied up the rest of the room. Should she get back into bed or leave? She didn‘t know. His last words before passing out was replaying in her mind over and over again.

“...My love... I would never force you into something you are not ready for. I won‘t take anything you are not willing to give. I just want to know if the... feelings I saw on your face the past few days were true. To know if you love me like I do you. I just want to keep you safe atleast... Trust me darling, I would never hurt you...“
Then he had sagged down on her, passing into quiet oblivion, leaving his coffee untouched on the counter. She then lay next to him for half an hour ensuring that he really was asleep. The whole time,she was wide awake from the strong coffee in her system.

Looking back at the sleeping form, her stomach clenched. She had been so afraid. She bent down on the floor, next to him on the bed and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He stirred.

“Shush...“, she whispered and stroked his hair. He turned over and after a few seconds, was back to his vivid dreams.

She got up and washed her hands at the counter, her gaze on the sleeping form on the bed. She hesitated for a few more moments and then gently shutting the door behind her, she left.

___The End___

Shush... _4

“Shush... it‘s all going to be ok“, she crooned stroking his hair as though he was a scared child. He let out another sigh and sat up properly. His mind was made up.
“Will you come with me?“, he enquired over the throbbing in his head. All he knew now was that the proximity, the scent of her, the softness, the crooning, all her actions... Her very nature and response to him was provoking him to some height he himself could not understand.
“Ok... But where to?“, she asked, her hand placed over his on the grass, her thumb tracing circles on the smooth upper part of his calloused hands. “To my room darling. Come with me, won‘t you? I need to lie down properly but I don‘t want to be alone.“
Startled, she pulled back. Through the haze which was starting to clear in his mind, he caught both her wrists and pulled her hands to his face and nuzzled them.
“Please.“
“I... ok. But I‘ll leave once you are asleep.“
“Ok.“

They walked back to the apartment building and made their way to his studio holding hands like teenage lovers. When in fact, they were mere...friends?

Doubts aside, she let herself be led into the modest studio. There was a neat bed in the corner near the single huge french window and a messy but fully equipped kitchenette to the side. The other side had a door which she presumed was the bathroom and a small television set sat on a table near the foot of the bed. It was a seemingly welcoming room with its pale yellow walls with pretty pictures put up creatively on the bare bits of wall. The other colour and the only piece of luxury in the room was a bright fluffy red rug which was placed prominently in the centre of the studio.

He put his hand on her lower back and gently pushed her towards his bed. He turned, locked his door, debating what to do. The hangover was still there, clouding his mind. But he knew for certain what he wanted now... and it was something only she could give.

She sat, unnerved, on a corner of his bed. She wordlessly watched him bolt the door and pause a moment too much with his back to her. A strange feeling of foreboding rose in her chest.

Something didn‘t feel right.

He went to his little kitchen counter and started making coffee. Ignoring what was pulling him like a steel pin to a magnet, her. And sitting on his bed, no less.
“Coffee?“
“Yes. Thank you.“
“How much sugar?“
“I‘ll put it myself.“
She moved to the counter and took the sugar tin from his hand. His face was grim. Measuring out her one and a half teaspoon of sugar, she asked,“What‘s wrong?“
“Nothing. Leave that.“
“But you don‘t look like it‘s nothing.“
“It doesn‘t matter ok?!“, his rough tone vibrated with slightly withheld menace. She trembled to the core at the dangerous note and moved away with dignity, holding up a steaming mug of coffee in front of her like a defense.

She turned away. He turned away. ‘This was a bad idea. A very bad idea‘, he worried. The haze in his mind was clearing and the desire in him was growing stronger and stronger.

She faced the wall, her eyes writ with shock... and fear. What if he hurt her? She should have never come alone to his room. She had always come with their gang of friends, never alone. No one would know if something went wrong. Their friends would just assume they went somewhere together... After all they were together most of the time these days.

He glanced behind him, gripping the counter top. The throbbing in his head returned with full force. He glanced at her and then at the bed.

Then at her again. His resolve made, he went and stood behind her.

Shush... _3

“Shush, it‘s ok. Lie down here, on my lap. Come.“
“But...“
“Come.“
“But I stink. You hate it.“
“Thank your luck because a cold blocked my nose halfway. I can‘t smell anything very strong. Lie down. You‘ll feel better.“
“Ok.“
He fell back on to her lap and closed his eyes. His head was buzzing. She must be speaking very softly because it sounded like a normal volume to him and in his current state... every sensation was amplified. So the shock he felt when soft, full lips brushed against his forehead was magnified tenfold. A slight shiver ran down his spine at the sensations running wild over his skin.

His eyes remained closed. She decided he had fallen asleep. Then it wouldn‘t hurt to just experiment. To just see if the spark was there. If there was ever even a possibility. His breathing was even. No one was around at that time of high noon. She gently kissed him on his lips.

There were no words to say. They didn‘t need words. His hand came up and tangled itself in her hair, holding her face in place. The first kiss, supposed to be a small test, became a full experiment... between them both.

Slowly, he let her loose and she came back to her sitting position. He turned himself to face away from her, his head still on her lap.

She sat stiff and erect, mortified by what just happened. Her reaction to him and his reaction to her had been incredible. ‘Like carbonate in HCl‘, whispered the geek in her and she found herself stopping a smile. This was not right.

The past two weeks... he had been there more than her other friends. In fact, last few days she hadn‘t even felt like being with anyone much and had pushed everyone off... except him. What made him special? Not the looks, not the arrogant demeanor and not the cutthroat style of dealing with her. It couldn‘t be. Or may be it was the fact nobody else dared to be like that with her. And no other guy had dealt with her with this kind of self-confidence to take what he wanted and give back so much in return. So many possibilities. Such a complicated person with so many sides. She still felt the imprint of his gentle minstrations from yesterday. But the question she had no real answer to was why her.

His head was buzzing. He wasn‘t thinking rationally. Such a gentle girl, he shouldn‘t end up causing her more hurt when she had enough going on in her life. But he had found all that out just recently. Quite recently. She had been everyone‘s last resort. Someone who would quietly listen if you were genuinely upset and offer solutions. The practical one. So this Impractical move was quite unexpected from her. It was clear even in his addled mind that she was giving an unspoken answer to his unasked question from yesterday. And it was quite sure that she wouldn‘t let it repeat either. He groaned. Why on earth had he drunk himself to oblivion last night? To quench his burning desire to be with a certain someone maybe.

His groan caught her attention. She was sure it was louder than what he expected it to be. She placed a firm hand on his shoulder and asked, “Are you ok? Do you need anything?“
‘Can I say : “Yeah, you“ ?‘, he mused and croaked out,“Water...“
“Ok, here you go“, she replied, fishing out a bottle from her small satchel which was next to her.
“Thanks“, he sat up and drank thirstily. His throat was parched. He stank even to himself. He could see her, Feel her controlling her small coughs caused by the stench of cigarette smoke that clung to his shirt. He was not in a good state. But all he wanted was to be near her... it was comforting somehow, her presence.

Shush... _2

“Shush, it‘s ok“, he whispered, his mouth next to her ear. Now both her hands were under his, his body half-pinning her down under him. She tensed.
“Please...No.“
He paused for a beat, continuing the momentary contact of his lips with the soft hair... and then moved back to his side and lay down. ‘What was I thinking?‘, he wondered and then told himself mockingly,‘Absolutely nothing.‘

‘I‘m not in a good state of mind now. We should leave. I shouldn‘t let him kiss me anywhere‘, she warned herself but still remained next to his warmth, unmoving and silent. There wasn‘t anything to be done. In both of their minds, their mutual reactions were being read as lust - pure and simple, triggered by the circumstances and the environment they were in. Suddenly a phone started beeping.

“Hello?“, his voice sounded more gruff than usual and he had no explanations.

His tersely spoken ‘Hello‘ made her more tense. ‘Now what?‘, she looked at his face trying to gauge his reaction in the dimly lit night. Abruptly, he cut the call with an “Okay“, equally terse as his ‘Hello‘. But he was generally perceived as rough-and-tough, no-nonsense guy. He pushed himself up and pulled her up as well without any preamble.
“We‘re going to our respective rooms. Ok?“, it was more of dry statement than a question. An order worded to seem like a request. At that moment, being quite lost in her mind, she just nodded. He walked her back to her studio apartment.
“Goodnight“, he turned to leave.
“Wait, what happened? Who called?“, she spoke out loud suprising herself even with the strength and clarity of her voice.
“It was my friend. I‘m going to go drink. We bought booze earlier this evening.“
She bit her lip and then said quietly after a moment‘s hesitation,“Please be careful.“

He watched her slight frame stand in the doorway with a worried expression. A loving expression. He sighed. He looked at her face one last time and turned away. He couldn‘t. He wouldn‘t. He shouldn‘t accept her offer of love. It will just come back to bite him in the behind, he knew.

“I‘m going to drink and smoke. It‘s what I do at times. See you.“

Watching his retreating figure, she hoped morning would come soon. And it did. She found herself in the same park, in the same spot alone. Trying to figure out if last night was real or not. A figure in rumpled clothing and shades dropped down on the grass next to her. She could smell the whisky on his breath still strong even though it was nearly noon.
“Take off your shades.“
“I don‘t think that‘s a good idea.“
“Just take it off.“
Her quiet order had him taking off his purple tinted shades to reveal dark-rimmed red eyes.
“I‘m sorry.“
“You look creepy, but no, don‘t wear the shades with me. Don‘t hide from me.“
“I swear to you, I have never got this drunk my whole life and I have been drinking for quite a few years now. It‘s scary for me too.“
She watched his face with soft concern in her eyes. His bloodshot eyes, rumpled clothes from last night, the telltale smell and his evident fatigue made her stomach clench. She wanted to take care of him and the feeling was very strong. It didn‘t feel like he was just a friend. She caressed his face with her fingers, feeling the morning stubble and pulled it close.

Shush... _1

“Shush, I don‘t want to say anymore.“
“You don‘t have to.“
An owl hooted on the nearby tree as they lay on the grass and stared up at the stars. His fingers touched hers quietly seeking to give comfort. His hand fell over hers and squeezed. For few more moments, the silence lay like a blanket over them, caressing and lulling them. She turned to face him.
“Hey.“
“Yes?“
“Why are you holding my hand?“
He turned to face her. They lay face to face on the hard grass oblivious to the discomfort. “Why?“
“Because it feels right.“
“Hmm?“
“It feels good when I hold your hand.“
“Oh. Ok.“
The invisible blanket fell over them again. Streetlight reflected on his jet black hair and his eyes gleamed golden brown. She closed her eyes tightly, drinking in the memory. Saving it for later. Obviously it couldn‘t last. She felt a warm hand on her waist, pulling her closer. ‘What is happening?‘, she mused and held back tears that threatened to spill over.

Her face was in the shadows but her hazel brown eyes glinted in the dim light. Her soft black hair fell in waves over her shoulders. ‘Beautiful... But this would never work‘, he told himself. Too beautiful to be trusted. Yet... When those eyes suddenly gleamed with a sheen of tears to come and then hid behind dark lids, dark from many sleepless nights... His hands, his body seemed to develop a mind of its own. He had never felt like protecting someone this way, so intense... And his hand found a way to her waist where it lay like a puzzle piece which had found its other half.
“May I hold you?“, a whispered question he couldn‘t believe was leaving his mouth. A slight rustling of grass and a small, lithe body lay snuggled into his. Finally accepting the bit of comfort he offered.
“The past doesn‘t matter. Let it go, it will be ok.“
Her eyes opened and looked straight at his. Their faces were an inch apart. Suddenly they froze.

She held her breath. He was just a friend.

He held his breath. She was just a friend. Then he lifted his face and kissed her forehead. He sat up and offered his hand.

He touched his lips to her forehead with a feather-light touch that spoke volumes to her. He pushed himself up and offered a hand to pull her up which she dazedly accepted.

They sat on the grass with their blanket of silence wrapped around them comfortably. Their eyes were on a street lamp across the garden from them but seeing something else.

They were in different worlds.

“Let‘s go. It‘s past 11.30“, her soft words shook him from his reverie. Her face bore no signs of sadness of any kind. It was back to the cool, soft features with the hard, dry eyes. The only part that betrayed any sign of fatigue were her dark-rimmed eyes. As he watched, she stood up.

‘Please don‘t betray me‘, she prayed. To him or herself, she wasn‘t sure. She wanted badly to just let go. To let go in his strong, lean arms which would protect her when she was vulnerable. She stood up saying, ‘Let‘s go‘. But that was what she wanted in the least. It would have been a chance to continue to spin the magic of the night. Her eyes were on his broad feet. ‘He has hair on his feet‘, she noted the light sprinkling of dark hair over his feet.

He looked up at her silhouette. She was standing against the light but he thought he could make out a slight trembling. He caught her wrist and said a clear “No. Stay.“

She caught her breath when he caught her wrist and it came out in a rush at his next words, “No. Stay.“
“Why?“
“Because you want to.“
“What?!“
“Because we want to. Stay.“
“No... It‘s...“
“Come. Lie down.“
“I... Ok. Ok. Only for a little while.“
“Half an hour?“
“Fine.“

She sat down and lay back on the grass, her heart thudding. He sat and watched her. She was in the light. Her hair was messed up and pieces of grass stuck in it. Her face was pale making her dark circles look like greyish bruises around her eyes. Her lips were the palest of pinks, almost white. The rise and fall of her chest was too even as though controlled. Her arms were folded and kept on her belly. He couldn‘t take his eyes off this thin wraith-like waif of a friend. He took one small, delicate hand in his rough one and kissed the inside slowly, his eyes on her face. Her breath hitched and she tried to feebly take her hand. He let it go and turned and bent such that he was on top and gazing down at her. Her face registered shock for a moment before her lips curled into a slow smile,“Just what do you think you are doing?“
“Nothing“, he replied and bent his head towards her.

I Wonder Now...

I wonder now.
Would it have made a difference if you had asked me to stay?
Or would I have gone, have left anyway?

I wonder now.
How did we reach this plain and not see the stars?
Did we become blind to our dreams from far?

This is no poem, no verse, no rhyme,
These are just words to bring in few dimes,
But I wonder now where we went two ways
Because I started hoping when we met again today.