Untitled #35 - Descent

- A descent.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I'm picking myself up piece by piece

Only to fall apart again at your feet,

That I'm trying very hard to forgive my past

But how do I forgive myself for each cut,

Each wound, each bruise,

I look at my shoulder and expect more in my sleep,

You know very well that it's not you,

It's entirely on me.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I find it very hard to breathe,

That I feel like death might be a solution,

Or maybe an escape, I don't know really,

All I know is I'm so tired of trying each day,

Making myself get out of bed,

Even when I know I've lost my way,

I find it so hard to just live some days.

And you know very well, it's entirely on me.

Everyday feels like a punishment -

I don't even know why my tears are falling.

Every day feels like a punishment -

I start to wonder why I'm bothering.

Each moment feels like a knife pulling across my neck,

Moments of sanity being tested and tested again,

I would like to say that I'm a string pulled taut,

But you know very well the truth.

That I've already broke and lost.

Breathless

First thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

I never had the courage to stand and fight,

I barely had the guts to leave when I knew it wasn't right,

Everyone looked at me with outrage in their eyes,

So I kept all my tears and rage on the inside;

On the days it tries to escape my skin,

I let it bleed out, destroy whatever is left,

Call myself pathetic because that is what I was told I was.

I close my eyes and try to imagine something nice,

I am overwhelmed by my pain and their silence,

What my fear made me, forced me, to hide;

I still sit up and assure there are no bruises forming in the night,

But what about all these phantom bruises still raw inside?

So I switch off the lights and don't close my eyes,

I make sure it's perfectly dark, zero light,

Because it is in the shadows I perceive that my ghosts reside -

A movement I didn't expect in my room.

A hand at my throat when I am half asleep.

Another clawing at my dress, I can't escape -

I keep reliving the same hours over and over,

Wondering what I should have done differently,

Wondering how to catch my breath,

In and out, I'm trying each day,

But the air seems caught in my chest...

So first thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

The suffocation and the breathlessness have long become friends,

And I know they will never leave me, not till the day I drop dead.

Untitled #28 - reductible

Anxiety gnaws at bones long gone raw,

Fears seem to be flying on 6th gear,

Maybe I need a therapist again to convince myself

To be kind to myself.

But do I deserve it?

Do I deserve it!

Do I deserve it?!

Maybe I don't.

Deserve to be wanted,

Deserve to be needed,

Deserve to be held,

Deserve to be needed.

To be kind is a big task,

Not sure I can really do it,

I'll try for you though.

I'll try for you.

Because you would not want to come home

To loneliness and torn veins,

To scratched skin and pink eyes,

A bleeding chest and empty lies,

A manifestation of depression in my person,

To the point that I'm not anything more than my illness...

It has won the war.

It has defined me into it.

Now there is nothing more to reduce me to

Other than flesh, skin and bones,

And maybe graveyard dust and ash

If it decides to be thorough.

Untitled #25 - people pleaser

From where does this come,

This intense self pressure to please?

To please every other person,

Who means well or just comes my way -

Why so much pressure to please?

Is it because I am human?

Or because I am female?

Or because both -

And my bones are supposed to 

Be flexible to needs,

Whether it is to push out another,

Or to let others push it in -

And my muscles are supposed to

Contract and relax as per

"What they say"

And I follow it, I believe it -

But why do I listen to it!

Is this my state of immanence?

Is this the only choice that

I know to choose?

Must I let my years of training

Of listening, of fearing failure,

Of fearing greatness,

Of unspoken obedience and 

Of unheard tantrums, dictate -

Must I let myself cry and pity (myself?)

Because I feel trapped in questions

That I am too scared to answer -

Because everyone "means well",

They come my way and "mean well",

And I am so trained to listen.

To obey.

To bend.

To break.

To fill all cracks with gold.

And now I do not know.

Who I am (¿am I?) anymore.

Untitled #24 - maybe

I wish things were less messy in my head
That I could sort out the safe, unsafe,
Good, bad, demons, angels, dark and dark,
Then let you in, slowly, show you what it is,
And at least give you a chance to maybe.
Maybe you'll understand.

Instead of like now, where I just push you away,
Where any male touch seems unsafe,
Where any external stimulus seems bad,
Everything looks like a demon in disguise,
And I can't see past a wall of tears, it's dark.
Very dark.

I wish I could tell you where it hurts,
I wish I could let you in but fear stops me,
I stop me.

What if I tell you and you leave?
What if I tell you and you decide I'm not worth it?
What if it's all true?

What they say about me and you,
That we shouldn't be,
That I'm toxic.

But I love you every single day even when it hurts,
But I know even love can be toxic if it's not right.
But I never had to question if I love you,
But I wonder if I let you love me because I,
I feel incapable of being loved.
Maybe you'll understand.

Untitled #23 - commitment

2 years in a run away circus
I've no else to blame but me
Commitment is a ring I've yet to jump
Love or not, it doesn't seem to be free-
-ing
-dom
-ly set up between 2 parties
Who've given everything else
But a paper of societal acceptance
As though their love and consent is not
Enough.

Untitled #21 - romantic

How we poets romanticize the days past,
And how we romanticize the pain of now,
As though we have known so fleetingly of happiness
That the very word breathes fresh life in,
A proof that we know little else
Other than the darkness under our skins.

Untitled #20 - warfare

Words come out unintended
A flash of unfeeling feeling,
The damage it caused in a night
A space gone hollow on the bedside.

Words come out unintended
An act of love turned down,
The affection it sought to give
Was not the one it brought on.

Words came out unintended
A bed turned into a warzone,
No other space in an otherwise empty house
For two warriors to lay their guns down.

Words came out unintended
No sniper could make such clean shots,
Silhouettes in an eerie darkness
So close, misunderstood, and let down.

Untitled #18 - Distance

How can it be that the very thing which created us
Would be the very thing to tear us apart?

Distance.

Such a strong word whose strength is never known
Till it is lying next to you on the bed
Which you wish now that you'd never known.

Distance.

A reminder of the trains that come and go,
Stations and stations but there is always
A start and an end.

Distance.

It was fond when we were not together all the time.
When it is hard to get something, this person,
It makes it such a sweet, strong word.

You never realise the malice it carries
Till it becomes your bedfellow,
Till your partner becomes it in every way,
And even you, you diffuse at his touch and spread,
In every way, all away from him.

Distance.

The child we gave birth to unknowingly.
The one we let live while the others starved.
Where are all the little things?
How do you I get you back?
I'm so scared of this distance that I cannot measure
In millimeters or light years,
All I know is I can't reach you.
Give me love.

Distance.

I've become a broken record playing a fake Ed Sheeran.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
I'm tired of this hide and seek,
There is no turning it around,
But all I want
Is the taste of your lips on mine,
My my, my my, my...
Oh give me love.

Untitled #15 - knowing

I wish I was there with you
But I'm drifting so far away
Lying right next to you
Distance means so little
I could be crying an ocean
You'd never know.

I wish I was there with you
With the old movies and cheap jokes
Your laughter echoes from afar
Distance means so little
I could be struggling to breathe
You'd never know.

I'm here with you
Separated by a wall of silence
Lying on the same bed
Could we be any further
You could be dying, living,
Finding something worth discovering;

I'd never know.

Untitled #14

This is from the place that I hold inside,
The place that I try to hide,
That place that freaks my mind,
It's from the place where I try to die _

Right beneath my skin,
An ocean is bubbling, boiling,
Questioning an empty life, my sins,
Is it all in vain, this toiling?

This Lack that I hold inside,
The emptiness I try to hide,
The aches that scar my mind,
This feeling that I must die _

Right beneath my skin
Are my truths turned to lies,
Voices screaming in my mind,
"No good", my uselessness amplified -

For me to see what I've become,
A stranger I refuse to love,
With blank eyes, a loud mind,
An empty heart _

If only I could not see
This depth of emptiness
Staring back at me.

Untitled #12 - pop quiz

It's like a pop quiz
That comes out of nowhere,
Hits you in face with questions
That you can't bear to answer.

Time starts now.

1. Will he stay?
Yes, he might.
But only till he tires of me,
Till he realises my baggage
Will not be left behind,
That I must carry all my memories
Everywhere I go,
That I hurt
Intentionally
Everyone I know.

2. Does he love you?
Yes, he might.
Because he looks at me with love in his eyes,
But that vanishes with my distance,
And behind my back
It trails everywhere looking for other sights,
And I want to care but I can't,
Because what right do I have to demand
For a love that I should never have.

3. Does happiness lie in a diamond ring?
Yes, it might.
People look so happy in all those pictures
They post in social media, it's all happy,
It looks so real you can touch it,
But photos only capture a moment
And there would be so much pain
That you photograph in your mind
To blame yourself and cry
Every night to sleep.

Time is up.

The results are out and they said I failed,
My pop quiz asked specifics always known,
And I knew nothing.
Which has always been, the case.

Untitled #8

Can you love this side of me?
The one I don't let anyone see,
The one that chokes and hopes to die,
Can you love this part of me?
That isn't happy all the time,
That's gonna wanna stay the night?

You'll have a hard time making sense of this:
Understanding a desperate masochist,
I try going out of my head and mind,
Just to get out of bed sometimes.

Can you love this side of me?
The one that looks like it might cry,
The one that didn't need bait to bite,
Can you love this part of me?
That screams in agony,
That chokes for air to breathe?

But why would you do this time,
It's like being in jail but outside,
Why would you help me breathe?
If I'm the one who's choking me.

Maybe I hit my head,
Maybe I was raised to be left,
And if you're looking for a fairytale,
Open another book and walk away.

But can you try to love this part of me?
I'm choking but I'd like to breathe,
I'm gasping but I want to breathe,
Can you love this side of me?
The one ruling the paradox of me,
The one I don't let anyone else see.

Comatose Home

I don't feel like coming home.
Even though I thought "home"
Was never home without you and yet,
I don't feel like coming home
When there is so much doubt on change,
And there are new responsibilities to consider,
When secrets have been divulged without any care;
And it doesn't feel like home is with you.
It feels like home has been displaced,
It feels like home has disappeared into that space,
Between life and death, comatose;
Home has turned into something
That no longer exists,
Except in the dark recesses of my mind,
Where everyone else ceases to exist.

Taint of fear

I have felt like this before
And it led to nowhere but trouble,
You assure me time and time again
That you do not mean to hurt me;
But neither did he initially
And hurt me, he did -
Oh so cruelly, so intentionally,
That was when I felt like this
Before; when I did not know better,
When I thought in love you would never,
Ever,
Want to hurt the other soul;
He taught me otherwise.
A lesson I'm not sure if I'm grateful for.
Because I'm feeling like how
I've felt once before,
When I was willing to give my trust
With open arms and no hidden thorns,
With all the love overflowing,
Because I only know one way to love,
Even now,
I only know to love completely
Or not at all.
Yet my love is tainted with scarred trust,
Rusted gates of my heart creaking opposition,
Of not letting you in.
I'm scared, terrified of what you may do,
Because if you intentionally hurt me,
I will hurt you 2.

Embers

He walks in, closes the door.
She is lost in a world of her own.
He potters around, his day is done,
Mind at rest, this is where he calls home.
She is looking through chaos,
Desperate to establish order,
She sees a light flip on in the corner.
He sees her at her laptop,
Typing away, letters, e-mails,
It's all work, business for today.
Her attention is on the light.
His eyes find her in the dark,
Dimly outlined in the backlight of her screen.
Her attention is on the bulb,
Her eyes strain and find the filaments.
He stands facing her, his smile hidden.
To her, his face looks indifferent in the half light.
His face is half shadowed, he moves to her.
Her eyes glow like the particles
Moving inside like fireflies
Her mind sees fire inside the bulb
Ember falling slowly all around her
Her vision changes, the laptop melts away
Her couch is semi suspended in a semi space
There is a floor she can see and cannot
She is distanced from reality
There is a dark form, a spectre with an outline of yellow
Moving slowly towards her, its words
Its words are garbled like a foreign language
She ought to know, used to know,
She just does not know
It is moving closer
She inches away
It reaches for her
No
No
No
Bright white light illuminates her dark space,
Dissipates her ghosts, the filaments are not on fire.
He stands in front of her.
He leans down.
He lays a kiss on her head then sits down.
She just blinks twice and turns back to her screen.
She blinks once, she smiles.
Rests back against the couch.
The moment's past, her light was next to her.
Though the corner of eye still sees the embers.

I Scream

I tried to think of a good way to write an apology and all what happened is it set me thinking as to what I am apologising for.
A kaleidescope of colours is how I'd like to think but the truth looks more like an angry thunderstorm behind the shiny bits of glass,
If thunderstorms could be a dirty, dusty red.
But I bleed black and blue most of the time, the ink becoming blood dripping from my fingertips when I drag a pen across the flawless paper.
Sometimes, I think my best writings were in the torn up pieces of paper chucked into the waste bin a long time ago.
I'm still thinking about that apology to my lover that he got caught in my anxiety attack and got hurt.
He is already overwhelmed with his own issues and doesn't need a scruffy vagabond adding more to it,
Even if the scruffy vagabond is as nice as ice.
It gets hard having to keep giving all the time and not getting any in return and the emotional baggage just piles on and one fine day you end up dropping it.
It's okay, I've been dropped before and I've never fallen further than the concrete floor,
It's not like there's an endless abyss underneath it where I'll scream for someone to just please hold out a hand.
But I do scream still even though it's just a hard, bone snapping, concrete floor.
I still scream though you tell me there is nothing for me to shriek and wail as though death has become living.
I still scream when you aren't listening too.

This time, it was an accident that you heard me. I beg your forgiveness. I love you and I never meant to hurt you by dumping the same endless loop of hurt on you. I had stopped doing that in front of you.
Though I'm a bit unsure of how you love me these days, I'm still trusting you. Please stay for this scruffy vagabond. She promises to scream in silence. Please?

Anxiety and me on friendship

How to ruin a friendship -

Anxiety: This is utter bullshit my dear. You shouldn't even look at her or talk to her anymore. Even God wouldn't know how many buckets of lies she has dumped on you.

Me: But she helped me a lot. Maybe she is actually having a tough time.

Anxiety: Yes and that is why you see her selfishness plain on her face every day. She doesn't approach you unless she needs something or to show that she is around even though she has so many businesses to take care of.

Me: When was she selfish?

Anxiety: You are sick since over a month. You're not getting any better. You're not going to. That day she got admitted for nothing except a glucose drip and mental instability. Mainly mental instability. You were vomiting the whole time when you weren't with her. You didn't sleep. The amount of bullshit you deflect from other people bitching about her is amazing as well. She's a selfish lunatic.

Me: No she's not. She's having problems with some people.

Anxiety: What she needs is to get married and have a few kids. She'll be fine then. She needs a husband and sex.

Me: That's mean and that's not true.

Anxiety: This is the age to have a boyfriend and have fun. Not mope around.

Me: It's her life and her choice. Shut up.

Anxiety: When did she ever understand what you were going through except that one time at the previous flat? That girl was a bug to everyone. Even then.

Me: Just shut up. I'm not listening to you.

Anxiety: Just pointing out facts here.

Me: Shut up. *sleeps with mind full of doubts : doesn't she like me anymore? Was she using me like the others? It can't be true, I trusted her. She won't break it... Will she?*