*Part Seven - I Don't Know Why*
I'm so sorry.
You came back for me. But I can't go with you. I just can't. I'm lying on the bed and you're standing by the window looking out. You don't know I've woken yet. You don't know the countless number of e-mails and letters I wrote and stored away... And I'm lying here wondering how this happened.
"You fainted Allie. Are you ok?"
"No I'm not."
"Alison."
"Go away."
"Ali - "
"PLEASE."
"Fine."
And Slam! goes the door. He's gone. And here comes the tears. Maybe if I shut my eyes really tight, I'll wake up and it'll all just be a bad dream. Just a bad dream.
"Why are you crying Allie? I'm sorry I can't go away right now there are some things we need to discuss."
His voice has changed. He has changed. The old Charlie would have left me alone after I display a temper. This feels like I'm with him and someone else I'm starting to like... NO. It's just him. And I dumped him. I left. I had his child. If he wants custody I'll fight every court for it unless he'll settle for spending some time with her during the weekend or so. I won't rob them of their rights. But I don't want him interfering with me or my life.
He's wiping my tears... So gentle. NO.
"Stop it!"
I guess I have no choice but to get up.
"What do you want to know Charlie?"
Hard as steel now. Of course. He tried being gentle and patient for so long. I can't blame him.
"I want to know about Victoria. How did she happen?"
"I left you and came here and all of a sudden I discover I'm a month into pregnancy. And she's my child. My baby. I couldn't kill her. Not then, Not now. Not ever. I did my Masters and by the time I got my job with FPS, Forensic Psychological Services, by the time she was going to be 2years old. I had Anne and Katie to help me. It was ok. I adjusted well. So did Alison. She was good. I raised her exactly the way I learnt it should be. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. She's good at school, she's free, she's confident... She's everything and more to me. And she's living life on her own terms with some guidance when she asks for it. She tries her best always... And she doesn't run away. Alison is brave whatever else she's not. She is very very brave."
"Like her mother."
"I ran away."
"No. You left because it was better to. That's not a crime."
"If it's not then why didn't you just leave me ALONE?!"
"Because I couldn't. I tried. I couldn't. No I have more reason not to leave."
"Leave what? Come or go. No one will stop you. I don't care who does or who doesn't as long as you leave me and Alison out of it."
"I can't. I have a right to be with her and her with me. I already adore her."
"Ha. Fine. Leave me out of it."
...
That's all I want. Leave me alone. I can't bear to revisit the past. Everything so jumbled now...
I don't know... Charlie you never know! Make up your mind please!... No I can't.
We are doing this because we love you... No you're doing this because he told you so! I wish I was never born to you! I'm not some brightly colored bird to be kept in a cage all the time!... Who told you that?! We did no such thing!... Stop lying. I heard you... You never listen to us! You're such a stubborn spoilt child even now! We loved you too much that was the problem!... Yes it is the problem! You're destroying me and you can't even realize that! I wan to leave this miserable place! And when I do, "I'll never come back again!"
"Alison? I'm not asking you to leave here..."
"NO! I'm not Alison anymore! I'm Valen! I changed Charlie. And even if you did, I wouldn't go." I can't face you. You have to go. "I don't love you anymore. I don't want any guy in my life right now. And when I'm ready to let someone in... It won't be you. I'm sorry. Just leave."
I can your beautiful face reflected off the window pane. I can see the shock on your face. I'm so sorry Charlie. Alison is no more. This is Valen. And Valen... Valen can't bear to deal with you again and get hurt again. To get used again. To be misunderstood when I need someone to love me the most. I don't want to deal with that kind of hurt again. I dealt with it enough in those 5years. Yes, that's right. Turn away. Walk out that door.
...
"Valen! He just left without saying a word! And Alison is crying in her room! What is all this?"
Poor Anne. So bewildered.
"I'm going to her now."
"Young lady, tell me why he left."
"He left because there is no reason for him to stay. And he did change but he's still the same."
"What?"
...
"Alison..."
"Mommy... Why did he leave... I liked him... He told me he'd say goodbye before he left and tell me when he'd come next... But he just left Mommy..."
I hugged her tighter. My dress was wet with her tears. She just couldn't understand. She is just 8 after all... I bet it's hard to digest that Daddy came and left without any warning or preamble. But I guess he has his reasons.
"People don't always mean what they say baby... Even if they do, sometimes they forget..."
"But they shouldn't Valen... They shouldn't..."
"Hush sweetie. It'll be ok... Try to sleep now. I'm here with you."
"Don't leave me in the middle of the night."
"I won't Allie."
"Kay..."
*flashback*
"I can't. I have a right to be with her and her with me. I already adore her."
"Ha. Fine. Leave me out of it."
"Tell me... Why do you call her Alison?'
"I don't know."
"Really? You must have some reason."
"I told you. I don't know why."
"Ok."
"Will you leave me now please?"
That's all I want. Leave me alone. I can't bear to revisit the past. Everything so jumbled now...
*flashback ends*
Truth is... I guess I do know why now. She's everything that she wants to be. She's noble in herself. Everything she should be... And my best friend and life's meaning. She's the Alison whom I wished to be and never really was.
She really is Alison. Not me. And I guess that's why.
*THE END*
