Untitled #44

I've been lying through my teeth

Of pain, of pleasure, everything in between

I overthink, barricade in my own skin

Let no one reach, get underneath;

Cause it's easier to drown alone

In this abyss of my own thoughts,

Easier to not be known, to be lost

(Don't know if you'd even care that I'm gone);

And I've tried each time we touch,

But I wonder if letting you in is the same

As letting you in, 

Because it's not enough anymore, not enough; 

I'd labelled you home, and we

Made me, gave me, these four walls

But they're heavy, and they're tall,

And they're weighing me down..;

But if I let go of it all, will you still love me? 

Will I live? Would you call?

Or would you let me drown..? 

I'm already halfway down.

Desire

Is it strange to desire love while being loved?

Or maybe it's not love or affection at all

But simple desire craved by infidel hands,

Craving a touch, a whisper, a gentle caress by hand

A finger, maybe two, in places handed over to you,

A simple desire to know I'm wanted

Years into a marriage of gentle affection and convenience,

A simple craving of smaller, kinder pleasures

Before my fear overwhelms me

Before anxiety turns me into jelly

Before the black hole of depression

Sucks us into "performance" of marital duties, 

And leaves me questioning 

Where did our love, desire, go?

Untitled #43

Constant pain. Constant fatigue.

My two best friends since two years.

I can't remember the last time I didn't feel pain,

Isn't it normal when things hurt

During sports, running and lunging,

During sex, all the pushing and pulling,

When standing, when walking, trying to get off the bed,

Picking up a dinner plate, starting the washing machine,

Feeding your cats?

It hurts. 

It also hurts watching you, all my friends, everyone

Pass by do their thing, have hobbies,

Complete their work, lounge, watch TV and interact.

But it's like I'm in a time capsule.

Or like nothing changed from 1st to 12th,

From University to work, nothing changed.

It's all still a list of check boxes to tick -

Did I fill their food bowl?

Did I put clothes to wash?

Did I send that email?

Did I help my niece?

Did I have sex with my husband?

Did I, did I, can I, me, ever take time for me?

No. Not when it hurts. 

Not with this tiredness.

Not when I can't walk and my bones ache,

And my brain is bursting, and everyone is too loud,

Too bright to join, to keep up, to even see,

But it's okay.

I have my pain and my tiredness.

Sleep will come eventually and I'll slumber somehow.

It's okay. I try everyday.

To tick all the boxes except one for me.

I'm least priority. it's okay.

Else it'll hurt too much and be too tiring,

And I just need to survive and tick

All those boxes off the list.

Untitled #42

Leaving you isn't the comfort I imagined it will be,

People are people and we change sometimes,

But this is like a tragedy only to bring me down;

I don't know what to be when you're around,

I know it'll never be simple, never easy,

Never a clean break and no one here to save me,

Even when I'm someone you'd know like the back of your hand,

I can't breathe when I'm with you, but I try to, have to,

Even if I don't know what to be when you're around...

Leaving home hasn't been the saving grace I thought it'd be,

I never wanted this, never wanted to hurt you,

But people are people so sometimes it doesn't work out,

Nothing you say now will save me from the fallout;

And I know it's never simple, never easy,

Can't have a clean break and no one's here to save me,

Even when I have my friends, it's not family, not you,

But I'm drowning when I'm with you, I can't breathe even when I try to,

Even when I try to be what you want me to be...

It's been years and I still feel like the stray you took in,

I hope you know this was never, isn't, easy for me;

It's never simple, never easy, never a clean break,

But I have to breathe, without you.

Untitled #41

Don't let me fall apart. 

No. Let me fall apart.

Let me crash and shatter like precious China

That my mother would never take out of the cupboard.

Let me break and become a kaleidoscope of colour.

I just need to know that you'll be there for my metamorphosis.

When my broken bones and punctured lungs pull themselves back together,

When tendons crunch and grind in the agony of pulling themselves together

Much like a werewolf turning human,

Forming new human parts and a stitched up heart.

I just need to know you'll be there for my metamorphosis.

You don't need to not let me fall apart.

Let me fall. I can catch myself. 

I just need to your hand is there to hold.

I just need to know that even if there is no rainbow,

And even if this storm never ends,

And I never learn left from right, 6 from 9,

You'll still be there in the end. 

A loving witness till our deaths end.

Untitled #40

Eyes up please, you've been gone for months

My love, when will you be available outside the crypto world?

It looks like the prized art is to waste your time

And now it's wasting mine;

I know we're close but I'm lonely -

The only reality shared is sex and physical intimacy,

Give me at least a minute, but what if you risk a SOL,

Missing shared reality low-key, so I'll say it slowly:

It was supposed to be me, not the NFTs...

All I see is MagicE morning, noon and night

Could you at least spare me your nights?

It was supposed to be me, not the NFTs...

Now I won't get any attention unless 

I buy a monkey or a divine entity;

It was supposed to be us, not the NFTs...

Time is inconsequential unless there's an auction,

In the end, it's all a gamble and obsession isn't passion.

It was supposed to be us, not the NFTs...

Ledger keeps track of everything but your emotions,

If there'll be no one to use it, why make wealth for generations?

It was supposed to be us, not the NFTs...

We could have had 3 vacations with what's in stock

I can understand passion but it's like sleeping with a rock,

And if this is to continue,

Please just let me know sooner than later.

Untitled #39 : Preaching Self Love

There's one thing I'll never tire of
That's telling you, "I told you so -"
I told you so that - you're enough,
When you're surprised your lover adores each breath of yours;
I told you so that - you're kind,
When you're amazed that the person you nursed back to health remembers you;
I told you so that - loving yourself,
Loving yourself! isn't vanity, honey;
It's sanity.
You have so much love to give around,
You defend those voiceless,
You speak up in front of injustice,
When it's not happening to you.
I'm telling you again sweetheart,
Loving yourself isn't vanity!
Taking care of yourself isn't greed.
Take all my love, his love,
All the love all those numerous people guard in their heart just for you;
Take it and love yourself,
Love yourself, because you've had it hard,
Love yourself, because you had lost, were lost,
Love yourself, because you think you've finally made up your mind,
Love yourself, because we think your birthdays are important,
Love yourself, just for the heck of it,
Love yourself, for us and for you.
I told you so - that loving yourself is not!
Vanity!
It's the only sane thing we can do!
In a world where nothing stays the same,
Other than all of us and our endless,
Endless love for you.

Far away

Untitled #38

I'm obsessed with the way 

My head lies on your chest

How you love all those things 

That I hate about myself

That no one knows, 

And I'm a mess

When I overthink 

All the little things in my head,

You always seem to help me 

Catch my breath

But then I lose it again,

When I look at you, the world ends

I still get so nervous

Because this is more than anything 

That I've ever felt before,

You're everything that I want, 

My fairytale, 

The one I thought I wouldn't find

After all these years of heartbreaks

Someone who is worth the wait.

And I fell in love with the way

You always manage to laugh 

Always at the wrong time

How you do nothing and everything

For hours in a day,

And when I look at you, the world ends

But I'm so in love, just us is enough

This is more than anything 

That I've felt before

I'll cherish every day

Forgive and forget the heartbreaks,

You're everything that I want, 

My modern fairytale.

Untitled #37 - On sanity and a growing belly

You hurt the ones you love the most

To protect others who've not known

The places, the roads, the people they've been;

For a child, you're the most necessary

King -

In their empire of home, learning and play,

They're the prince, princess, never a slave

You're a protector, the shining knight

You're the king, the one who guides

And also the queen, the one who provides -

So you hurt the ones you love the most

With words, with actions, with blows;

You've a child growing in your belly?

They don't know 

A future prince, princess, a unicorn -

It's your child, your responsibility

You'll be a king, a queen, a knight

Even a slave,

To protect their childhood, their teenage,

Just so that they grow up

Sane.

Untitled #36 - On a cold night

I seek pain

So I seek love,

Like a pair of conjoined twins

That no surgeon can absolve,

I seek pain

So I seek love.

They say that those you'll hurt the most

Would be the ones you love,

Then me awaiting pain on my knees,

Confusing pleasure and fear,

Should not seem so weird,

Since I seek pain in love.

I sought pain so I sought love

I saw them as one and the same,

Till I realised that eternal vulnerability

Can be a fearsome strength,

That it somehow ceased the glutton in me

And now I seek no more,

But let it all wash over me, in and out.

On my knees again, but as a faithful wife.

Now I only fear at the end of this game

That I might never understand what love is

Not without someone to blame, 

Not without the silence and the pain.

Untitled #35 - Descent

- A descent.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I'm picking myself up piece by piece

Only to fall apart again at your feet,

That I'm trying very hard to forgive my past

But how do I forgive myself for each cut,

Each wound, each bruise,

I look at my shoulder and expect more in my sleep,

You know very well that it's not you,

It's entirely on me.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I find it very hard to breathe,

That I feel like death might be a solution,

Or maybe an escape, I don't know really,

All I know is I'm so tired of trying each day,

Making myself get out of bed,

Even when I know I've lost my way,

I find it so hard to just live some days.

And you know very well, it's entirely on me.

Everyday feels like a punishment -

I don't even know why my tears are falling.

Every day feels like a punishment -

I start to wonder why I'm bothering.

Each moment feels like a knife pulling across my neck,

Moments of sanity being tested and tested again,

I would like to say that I'm a string pulled taut,

But you know very well the truth.

That I've already broke and lost.

Breathless

First thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

I never had the courage to stand and fight,

I barely had the guts to leave when I knew it wasn't right,

Everyone looked at me with outrage in their eyes,

So I kept all my tears and rage on the inside;

On the days it tries to escape my skin,

I let it bleed out, destroy whatever is left,

Call myself pathetic because that is what I was told I was.

I close my eyes and try to imagine something nice,

I am overwhelmed by my pain and their silence,

What my fear made me, forced me, to hide;

I still sit up and assure there are no bruises forming in the night,

But what about all these phantom bruises still raw inside?

So I switch off the lights and don't close my eyes,

I make sure it's perfectly dark, zero light,

Because it is in the shadows I perceive that my ghosts reside -

A movement I didn't expect in my room.

A hand at my throat when I am half asleep.

Another clawing at my dress, I can't escape -

I keep reliving the same hours over and over,

Wondering what I should have done differently,

Wondering how to catch my breath,

In and out, I'm trying each day,

But the air seems caught in my chest...

So first thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

The suffocation and the breathlessness have long become friends,

And I know they will never leave me, not till the day I drop dead.

Untitled #34 - Marriage

You came to the side of the bed and sat staring at me that morning. Then you kissed me—I felt heat on my forehead and I wanted it to leave a mark: that’s how I knew I loved you.

Because I wanted to be burned, stamped, to have something in the end— I peeked at you; a pink flush tinting my face and shoulders. It ran its course, the course of fire, setting a path to the depths in between and to our souls. 

You bent over me; your hand caressing my face as though you had felt it too — you must have known then, how I wanted you. Two more chaste kisses and a breakfast later, our bodies separated while our souls held hands.

Friends and parties, we went through the motions. Four years and counting, I bend over you; my hand caressing your face as I know you feel it too, how I want you. 

And we will always know that, you and I. Though we sign our lives together in a pact, our hands intertwined; our souls know better. The proof will be our bodies.

Untitled #33 - Distance and dark circles

Agony.

It's agony that keeps me awake,

Despite wanting to crash,

Into sleep's soft hands,

But the agony.

It keeps me awake.

And it's best friend, worry.

What if I'm not enough anymore?

Because all these video calls can never replace

Actual human touch,

Actual presence,

Actual you.

I miss you. 

All this agony and worry for home,

A home which I see changing at a distance,

Which I know should and will change -

But what if this growth takes us apart,

Two different directions?

The only home I know would be ripped apart

At the very seams that once held so strong,

And now it seems,

It only answers to sleep.

The dark circles are a lie.

Untitled #32 - the price of immortality

Would you sign up for une vie sans mort?

You'll never feel hunger, never be too cold,

You'll never be tied down

To anyone you know,

You can go anywhere in the world,

Be anyone you want to be,

You won't even go mad

As long as there are wonders to be seen;

If you make this deal with an ancient one 

They who walk the night,

Older than the devil, 

They may take pity on your plight,

One who walked this world before us,

Who will live on when we're gone,

The only price they ask for an eternity,

Is the price of a collective memory,

The memory of your name.

They say not to pray

To those who walk the night,

But if this came to pass,

Would you choose carpe diem 

Just to lose your name,

To never again be remembered,

Or would you choose to stay,

To die shackled in society's chains,

But loved in a house

That knows you and your name?

- Inspired by the novel, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue.

Untitled #31 - missing solitude

Nights are ever so lonely without you by my side;

It never feels complete, I still don't understand why;

It's not like I've not spent three million nights alone,

But three hundred nights with you have me craving more.

Darkness was always a trusted friend of mine,

Even when you were by my side;

It hid my pain, my sadness, even my high;

But now I'm morose, looking for you in the light.

Nights are ever so lonely without you by my side,

We have not touched each other since days so I wonder why;

They are so lonely when I feel I should be holding you

All throughout this cold night.

Darkness was always a trusted friend of mine,

And mine led me to you in the darkest of times;

Yet even though you always remind me of light

Sleeping with the lights on does not warm me,

Not anymore, not this cold night.

Untitled #30 - possibility

I look down on my body and I see

A world of possibilities,

It's flat, sometimes, and hard

And I enjoy what I feel

That stereotypical power associated

To being *hard*

But sometimes it's soft, curvy,

Womanly.

Yet being a woman seems to have put a fullstop in front of me.

I look down on my body and I see

Breasts, soft and fleshy, belly,

Thighs, squishy and sweaty, sex.

I look down and I imagine

Flat chest, the way it used to be

Hard abdomen, the way it used to be

Thighs, squishy and sweaty,  sex.

I look down on my body and I see

A world of possibilities

It's flat sometimes and hard

And I enjoy what I feel

Between my legs, hard meeting soft,

I am soft yet my body is hard,

Me desiring more than a full stop,

An infinite world of possibilities ~

Untitled #29 - memories

It can never be anything else

Only I can dream of my baby

The one I saw in my dreams

Always broken, half formed

A tiny demon calling out to me...

It can never be anything else

For me it's not the heat

I want to blame our sessions of love

To say that we made a mistake

The one that I want;

It's not heat behind my thowing up

My queasy stomach and upset mind

The missed period and a new bra size

...Tiny broken form calling out to me

If only I could see you

My little black spot, again on a USG.

Untitled #28 - reductible

Anxiety gnaws at bones long gone raw,

Fears seem to be flying on 6th gear,

Maybe I need a therapist again to convince myself

To be kind to myself.

But do I deserve it?

Do I deserve it!

Do I deserve it?!

Maybe I don't.

Deserve to be wanted,

Deserve to be needed,

Deserve to be held,

Deserve to be needed.

To be kind is a big task,

Not sure I can really do it,

I'll try for you though.

I'll try for you.

Because you would not want to come home

To loneliness and torn veins,

To scratched skin and pink eyes,

A bleeding chest and empty lies,

A manifestation of depression in my person,

To the point that I'm not anything more than my illness...

It has won the war.

It has defined me into it.

Now there is nothing more to reduce me to

Other than flesh, skin and bones,

And maybe graveyard dust and ash

If it decides to be thorough.