Taint of fear

I have felt like this before
And it led to nowhere but trouble,
You assure me time and time again
That you do not mean to hurt me;
But neither did he initially
And hurt me, he did -
Oh so cruelly, so intentionally,
That was when I felt like this
Before; when I did not know better,
When I thought in love you would never,
Ever,
Want to hurt the other soul;
He taught me otherwise.
A lesson I'm not sure if I'm grateful for.
Because I'm feeling like how
I've felt once before,
When I was willing to give my trust
With open arms and no hidden thorns,
With all the love overflowing,
Because I only know one way to love,
Even now,
I only know to love completely
Or not at all.
Yet my love is tainted with scarred trust,
Rusted gates of my heart creaking opposition,
Of not letting you in.
I'm scared, terrified of what you may do,
Because if you intentionally hurt me,
I will hurt you 2.

Those nights

if i just stop thinking,
close my eyes,
turn to my left,
(and sigh)
i can almost imagine
your arms enveloping
me in warm cocoon,
(i learnt there to not be afraid)
your arm moving under my neck,
that nightly ritual unsaid,
shifting my head to your shoulder,
feeling your beard tickle my ears,
(it looks so perfect on you)
your hand sweeping over
my stray hairs creeping up your nose
tickling a sneeze but earning a
~snore~
(i won't change it for anything in the world)
another snore and i'll turn
to face your armpit,
(i fidget to free my pleading nose)
throw out an arm like a fish line,
trying to pull you close,
(and you cradle me close instead)
another deep breath,
harmonious rising and falling chests,
fingers sneaking down to familiar grounds,
(i remember work and curse the invention of jobs)
fingers creep back up, discreet,
you turn to me, i can't breathe,
(another freedom struggle for my nose)
but i quite like the smell of you,
few more gentle snores,
then i fall asleep to my own lullaby,
and dream of riding motorcycles,
holding a big, brown teddy bear;
oh, how i miss those nights.