Drapetomania

I don't know what is more terrifying -
The look I see on your face,
A look I have learnt to distrust,
Or your actions which lead me to doubt
Every single person I've ever known,
And trust the people I have been.

I don't know what is more terrifying -
The ice I feel beneath the warmth of your skin,
Or that in spite of my aching cold
I try to make some warmth in me,
For you.
And yet still feel cold.

I don't know what is more terrifying -
To trust or to be trusted,
When all my stories are just stories,
Stories, I made to make life bearable.
And yours are real with the capacity to hurt,
Because your lies tend to look like my truth.

I wish I knew what to fear to tame,
From you, from this,
From the possibility of us,
That slow burn or this cold flame.

Not the one

You're in my dreams since a young age,
You're the fairy prince who doesn't save my day,
You're every sexual fantasy come alive,
You've been the unwitting star in every love note,
You're, you cannot be him.

Cannot be the one who breaks down my walls,
Cannot be the one who makes my day with a hug,
Cannot be the one who touches me in ways I never knew,
Cannot be the object of my love,
He cannot be you.

You do not exist. You're perfection on a page,
An axiom that cannot be, someone I'll never
Touch.
He exists when the sun shines, flawed bronze skin.
Every single theory proven wrong, the one I could
Hold.

My mind balks at the memories untouched,
The defenses are thrown up once again,
My body craves a touch it does not know,
It caves when his touch is all I want to feel -
It's so easy to give my body, who cares for thoughts?

Neither of you.