Untitled #36 - On a cold night

I seek pain

So I seek love,

Like a pair of conjoined twins

That no surgeon can absolve,

I seek pain

So I seek love.

They say that those you'll hurt the most

Would be the ones you love,

Then me awaiting pain on my knees,

Confusing pleasure and fear,

Should not seem so weird,

Since I seek pain in love.

I sought pain so I sought love

I saw them as one and the same,

Till I realised that eternal vulnerability

Can be a fearsome strength,

That it somehow ceased the glutton in me

And now I seek no more,

But let it all wash over me, in and out.

On my knees again, but as a faithful wife.

Now I only fear at the end of this game

That I might never understand what love is

Not without someone to blame, 

Not without the silence and the pain.

Untitled #35 - Descent

- A descent.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I'm picking myself up piece by piece

Only to fall apart again at your feet,

That I'm trying very hard to forgive my past

But how do I forgive myself for each cut,

Each wound, each bruise,

I look at my shoulder and expect more in my sleep,

You know very well that it's not you,

It's entirely on me.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I find it very hard to breathe,

That I feel like death might be a solution,

Or maybe an escape, I don't know really,

All I know is I'm so tired of trying each day,

Making myself get out of bed,

Even when I know I've lost my way,

I find it so hard to just live some days.

And you know very well, it's entirely on me.

Everyday feels like a punishment -

I don't even know why my tears are falling.

Every day feels like a punishment -

I start to wonder why I'm bothering.

Each moment feels like a knife pulling across my neck,

Moments of sanity being tested and tested again,

I would like to say that I'm a string pulled taut,

But you know very well the truth.

That I've already broke and lost.