Untitled #35 - Descent

- A descent.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I'm picking myself up piece by piece

Only to fall apart again at your feet,

That I'm trying very hard to forgive my past

But how do I forgive myself for each cut,

Each wound, each bruise,

I look at my shoulder and expect more in my sleep,

You know very well that it's not you,

It's entirely on me.

I wish you didn't know sometimes -

That I find it very hard to breathe,

That I feel like death might be a solution,

Or maybe an escape, I don't know really,

All I know is I'm so tired of trying each day,

Making myself get out of bed,

Even when I know I've lost my way,

I find it so hard to just live some days.

And you know very well, it's entirely on me.

Everyday feels like a punishment -

I don't even know why my tears are falling.

Every day feels like a punishment -

I start to wonder why I'm bothering.

Each moment feels like a knife pulling across my neck,

Moments of sanity being tested and tested again,

I would like to say that I'm a string pulled taut,

But you know very well the truth.

That I've already broke and lost.

Breathless

First thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

I never had the courage to stand and fight,

I barely had the guts to leave when I knew it wasn't right,

Everyone looked at me with outrage in their eyes,

So I kept all my tears and rage on the inside;

On the days it tries to escape my skin,

I let it bleed out, destroy whatever is left,

Call myself pathetic because that is what I was told I was.

I close my eyes and try to imagine something nice,

I am overwhelmed by my pain and their silence,

What my fear made me, forced me, to hide;

I still sit up and assure there are no bruises forming in the night,

But what about all these phantom bruises still raw inside?

So I switch off the lights and don't close my eyes,

I make sure it's perfectly dark, zero light,

Because it is in the shadows I perceive that my ghosts reside -

A movement I didn't expect in my room.

A hand at my throat when I am half asleep.

Another clawing at my dress, I can't escape -

I keep reliving the same hours over and over,

Wondering what I should have done differently,

Wondering how to catch my breath,

In and out, I'm trying each day,

But the air seems caught in my chest...

So first thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

The suffocation and the breathlessness have long become friends,

And I know they will never leave me, not till the day I drop dead.