I Scream

I tried to think of a good way to write an apology and all what happened is it set me thinking as to what I am apologising for.
A kaleidescope of colours is how I'd like to think but the truth looks more like an angry thunderstorm behind the shiny bits of glass,
If thunderstorms could be a dirty, dusty red.
But I bleed black and blue most of the time, the ink becoming blood dripping from my fingertips when I drag a pen across the flawless paper.
Sometimes, I think my best writings were in the torn up pieces of paper chucked into the waste bin a long time ago.
I'm still thinking about that apology to my lover that he got caught in my anxiety attack and got hurt.
He is already overwhelmed with his own issues and doesn't need a scruffy vagabond adding more to it,
Even if the scruffy vagabond is as nice as ice.
It gets hard having to keep giving all the time and not getting any in return and the emotional baggage just piles on and one fine day you end up dropping it.
It's okay, I've been dropped before and I've never fallen further than the concrete floor,
It's not like there's an endless abyss underneath it where I'll scream for someone to just please hold out a hand.
But I do scream still even though it's just a hard, bone snapping, concrete floor.
I still scream though you tell me there is nothing for me to shriek and wail as though death has become living.
I still scream when you aren't listening too.

This time, it was an accident that you heard me. I beg your forgiveness. I love you and I never meant to hurt you by dumping the same endless loop of hurt on you. I had stopped doing that in front of you.
Though I'm a bit unsure of how you love me these days, I'm still trusting you. Please stay for this scruffy vagabond. She promises to scream in silence. Please?

Where the blabber stops

My doctor tells me one day,
To describe my anxiety.
And I tell him that it's like
An elephant.
An elephant with beautiful, mesmerizing colours
That only I can see and somehow
This elephant is unseen and seen
But everyone else ignores the poor guy.

So my doctor replies,
Then it's a good thing, right?
Then I reply that,
Yeah, maybe it is and maybe it isn't
Cause beauty is really breathtaking at times
Like it literally takes my breath away
And I can't breathe and I gasp for air
And all of a sudden my elephant fills the whole room,
Is the whole room and it doesn't seem so beautiful anymore,
Unless of course you think imminent death by suffocation is pretty
Which it is really isn't because all I do is
Turn red and I'm brown so I'm not exactly sure what the effect is.

Then my doctor asks me,
What the elephant means to me, really?
So I say, really what it means to me is
That I am seeing an elephant in the room
Which is really beautiful and terrifying
So I must be bonkers or completely
Bamboozled by life itself
But it's not like I am messed up
Cause I'm only here since my family thought
That it is better that I talk to a paid friend
Rather than them so that they can confirm my insanity
And put me in a beautiful crystal bowl
Just to treat me like a goldfish.

That's when my wonderful doctor asked me,
Plain outright asked if I am angry.
Well, of course I am angry at being tied down,
Left behind, walking on glass shards
And egg shells and becoming a welcoming
Doormat to the various people in my life
Including him, the doctor but then
Even though I want to say that
I can't, because it's like saying that
I never forgave my parents for abandoning me
And that I never forgave a lot of people
For a lot of things
And that even though I moved on,
I really didn't because no one really does
It's all wounds that you decide to stop
Picking at
But I keep picking at it and now
It's an infected mess of pus and goop,
So I really cannot say all this -

And therefore I smile,
It doesn't even take much of an effort really,
I smile and tell him, I'm fine,
I'm a bit anxious and I worry a bit too much
And I like animal analogies,
But I'm fine and look doc,
Our one hour is up.
He seems relieved too because he agrees
And says goodbye, he'll see me again
Next week, same day, same time.

Oh, but
He won't.