I've never felt like this before.
Like everything's falling apart and there's nothing to hold on to. If this is what they call depression, I want nothing to do with it. It's worse than hateful... It's this feeling of.. helplessness.
Like you're trapped, you're suffocating, the world is closing in on you and look all around and see everything tinged with a multitude of colors which seem to scream "hopeless" at you...
Lost all faith. Falling into this dark desperate world with not a soul to confide in. Everything that shouldn't stress you is stressful. You just want to sleep. To escape the horror and the pain... Pain when there IS no REAL pain to explain.. No one understands when you are asking for help... No aim, no resolution... Just pressure from all sides pushing against your being, your mind... Slowly but surely crushing your spirit.. Crushing the core of who you are. Till you are finally left with nothing.
Nothing but a void.
But that was yesterday. Yesterday I was scared, panic-stricken, confused. At everything the world threw at me. It felt too much and my screams were doing nothing to stop it.
Today it's a different story. Today it's like I'm catching my breath again. Like I've been let up for air after my head was sunk in a barrel chock full of water. Slowly I'm trying to analyse everything, grasp at the threads that should hold 'me' together. It's not entirely working.. But after talking to my friends (my threshold of strength at all times. Thank Goodness for them!) I'm getting some it back. And by 'it', I mean my hope.
It's still so hard though. I won't lie and say I'm rising all in one day, no. But I can feel some of it coming back and telling me 'I can'... That someone else is there I can lean on to tell me 'It'll be ok' when I'm down, like I am now.
Tomorrow... For tomorrow I'm hoping. That it'll be better. That the one step I climbed today, I won't fall back. Hoping so much. Even today, so much of what I did were perfect flops. Others getting disappointed in me felt like a hard punch to my gut. And not just one either. But I feel I can take it on.
If you've been to this place, or you've felt this before and you're reading this now... There's one last thing I have to say - Believe when it's beyond reason to believe.
Everyday won't be like the last. And even if we feel all alone, someone somewhere will find us and help us if we try to get it. As man believes, so he is. And as we hope, we can't go amiss. Can we?
