Breathless

First thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

I never had the courage to stand and fight,

I barely had the guts to leave when I knew it wasn't right,

Everyone looked at me with outrage in their eyes,

So I kept all my tears and rage on the inside;

On the days it tries to escape my skin,

I let it bleed out, destroy whatever is left,

Call myself pathetic because that is what I was told I was.

I close my eyes and try to imagine something nice,

I am overwhelmed by my pain and their silence,

What my fear made me, forced me, to hide;

I still sit up and assure there are no bruises forming in the night,

But what about all these phantom bruises still raw inside?

So I switch off the lights and don't close my eyes,

I make sure it's perfectly dark, zero light,

Because it is in the shadows I perceive that my ghosts reside -

A movement I didn't expect in my room.

A hand at my throat when I am half asleep.

Another clawing at my dress, I can't escape -

I keep reliving the same hours over and over,

Wondering what I should have done differently,

Wondering how to catch my breath,

In and out, I'm trying each day,

But the air seems caught in my chest...

So first thing when I wake up, I try to catch my breath,

Cause I'm always running and running inside my head,

The suffocation and the breathlessness have long become friends,

And I know they will never leave me, not till the day I drop dead.

Untitled #34 - Marriage

You came to the side of the bed and sat staring at me that morning. Then you kissed me—I felt heat on my forehead and I wanted it to leave a mark: that’s how I knew I loved you.

Because I wanted to be burned, stamped, to have something in the end— I peeked at you; a pink flush tinting my face and shoulders. It ran its course, the course of fire, setting a path to the depths in between and to our souls. 

You bent over me; your hand caressing my face as though you had felt it too — you must have known then, how I wanted you. Two more chaste kisses and a breakfast later, our bodies separated while our souls held hands.

Friends and parties, we went through the motions. Four years and counting, I bend over you; my hand caressing your face as I know you feel it too, how I want you. 

And we will always know that, you and I. Though we sign our lives together in a pact, our hands intertwined; our souls know better. The proof will be our bodies.