Not the one

You're in my dreams since a young age,
You're the fairy prince who doesn't save my day,
You're every sexual fantasy come alive,
You've been the unwitting star in every love note,
You're, you cannot be him.

Cannot be the one who breaks down my walls,
Cannot be the one who makes my day with a hug,
Cannot be the one who touches me in ways I never knew,
Cannot be the object of my love,
He cannot be you.

You do not exist. You're perfection on a page,
An axiom that cannot be, someone I'll never
Touch.
He exists when the sun shines, flawed bronze skin.
Every single theory proven wrong, the one I could
Hold.

My mind balks at the memories untouched,
The defenses are thrown up once again,
My body craves a touch it does not know,
It caves when his touch is all I want to feel -
It's so easy to give my body, who cares for thoughts?

Neither of you.

Fear

Fear is not something new to me.
It has been gripping me since those first days,
When I knew I had to walk alone,
When I crossed a main road at peak traffic
While praying something would hit me
And it did and I still did not die,
I felt fear. She is not new to me.

She has been caressing my face gently
All those days through classes at the university
When I knew I'd be pinned down later
Mocked, taunted and humiliated,
I wished I could die and cut my skin.
I only bled. Fear was still my friend.
She is still my friend when I'm in bed with you,

But she is scared of you,
Scared that you will take me away from her,
Her, my only true friend and single line of defense,
What if you trick me to love you too as others did?
It never fared well for me, love, but here I am
A naïve fool in your arms, a gullible waif,
Holding her scared friend's hand.

I used to fear to live those days,
But now, in flashes, I fear to die,
Because I'm still busy gathering memories
That my feared friend would rather kill than let live.
My friend, my fear, mistrusts you, sir. So do I.
Yet while holding her hand, may I hold yours too?
Just to let your face be the shine in my eyes.