They are just going and going. I wonder where. Homes? Offices? Simply a trip? I'd like to do that. Take the keys, open the car, sit inside, close the door, start the engine, get out on the road and just drive. I don't know to where and for how long I'll drive. But this is what I'll do -
Get on the highway and hope for a heavy crushing thunderstorm. Drive and keep driving straight and let the road take me where it will. Let down my hair and open my windows. Let the cold wind and rain rush in. Pull over at a cliffside or next to a ditch. Cut the engines and get out. Stand in the rain. And scream. Scream. And scream.
For everything that went wrong. For everything that is going wrong. For being a worthless friend. For being a bad granddaughter. For being a bad daughter. For being a hopeless and selfish person. For being unlikable and frigid. For not having any feelings or opinions that won't hurt others. For being me. But not for being here... More selfishness but this feels like I can be free and breathe. Even if I am sitting on the roadside alone at 9.12pm watching a full moon... The only source of my light other than headlights of the various vehicles rushing somewhere on the Sunday night before Holi.
The festival of colours. Happiness. I should be sharing a drink with my friends and enjoying some food. But I'm not. I'm here and brooding in hunger and darkness and wishing for rain from a hot, clear night. What a pessimist. This is the author of this blog. It has turned into my diary. Everything written in here is a reflection of my life, I admit. But how interesting it is, I don't know.
It's 9.16pm now. Just 4minutes have passed. I am contemplating taking a drink of water out of my bottle and walking on to the road. Contemplating why two men have stopped their bike near me. Hm, they left. Now I can be alone in my thoughts again.
This isn't much of a post, is it? I don't want to bore you. But then I'm one of the wallflowers who watch everyone and go nowhere. Right now, I just don't feel like watching anymore. I just feel empty.
To fill that is going to be a tough task. Somehow... Today I can't. No one can. My favourite songs are playing on my phone as I type this. Even that is not helping me. I just feel more and more drained. Alone yet not. Here but not. Where am I?
If I find that out, I'll let you know. For now let me see if fate has decided that I can find the Grim Reaper on this road. Adieu.
