One Doubt - WHY? (2)

*Part Two - When Dreams Became Reality*

"Lady, don't you know you shouldn't sound horns at cows?!"

"Sorry!"

Damn cows. Them and their cowherds thinking they have all the time in the world. 

"Valen! Look! Calves!"

Ok I had to crack a smile at that. She doesn't know that her mother is taking an impromptu leave of two days from her job at Forensic Psychological Services (FPS) to escape coming across somethings in her past. Though by all rights I should be facing it now. I mean, I made a career out of helping people face there demons, why can't I face mine?

Oh yes. Because I have more than just me to worry about. There's Alison, whom they don't (hopefully) know about. I don't want her to go about in shame nor grow up knowing them. I don't want her in an overprotective cocoon where she never knows the difference between a dream and reality. I want her to be in my sight till she decides to go her own way. I want her to have the freedom to be just herself and learn from her own experiences. I don't want her in a shade, I want her in the light. Ok... Over dramatic maternal feelings. Just a matter of seconds to think this.

"Yes. They're cute aren't they? And no Alison, not here. Wait till we get to Anne's to go to the cows." It's so funny seeing her small face peering at me. "And tie up your hair."

"Yeasss." Scrawny but cute. But then I suppose all mothers think their child is cute? And YES they're gone. Finally! Peaceful driving.

*flashback*

It's so simple. Either pack up and run. Or stay here and end the charade. But it's not worth it.

Run the knife slowly over your skin. Just feel the cold blade. Seduction of despair and frustration as it gently cuts into your skin... Not too deep. Just enough to bring up a light dusting of blood... Just to raise the skin and make it pink... Then maybe... A Little Deeper?

NO!

No. So hard to think of that one word. NO. Revenge is against the situation you have been thrown in. Action will be against the flow in which life is currently dragging me. I will break loose. So I can go out. I will go out. I'm 21years old. What is there stopping me? I'm old enough to start standing on my own two feet. And if staying here is going to make me do things like this...

"UGH! Stupid knife!" 

What in the world am I doing? This is NOT me. This is not the girl who had so many dreams. This is not the mentality a social worker needs. Social workers need to be brave. Needs to face the world and help the ones in need. If I'm not there, it's one less person to help. And I need to be better. And I will be stronger.

Tough times don't last, Tough people do. 

Always need to remember that. Worse can happen. This is not it. After everything you've seen happen to others, this is not that big a deal. DEAL. WITH. IT.

*flashback ends*

"Hey Anne!"

In flesh, it's always better. To see and hug her and have her pat you on the back and say it's ok. 

"A bit late aren't you?"

"Cows, Anne. C-o-w-s, cows"

She laughed at my grimace. 

"Just like you. Hey Alison, Katie's in her room. She's asleep... You go and wake her. So any luggage or...?"

"Not much Anne, just two bags."

"What's the matter?"

Straight to the point as usual. And someone who strongly believes in facing their demons. I couldn't say anything. I didn't have to. She went on.

"How long are you going to keep running away... Alison?"

That emphasis was enough to drive the meaning home. It's true anyways.

How long was I going to keep running away?

One Doubt - WHY? (1)

*Part One - Always The Usual Melodrama*

"I won't give in to you"

Simple words and so much meaning. Does she really realize what she's saying? I wondered. It's not the first time that Alison has been so stubborn. Always had been a willful child. But eventually she learnt. But there was no time for me to give my long winded explanations. We had to leave.

"Alison, no. We need to go away for a little while."

"Why?"

Here was the troublesome part - the questions. Other mothers told me that I should nip it in the bud and tell her to accept things as they are. But I think why should she? We learn from asking questions. And she has every right to question what is happening to her. And really, why WERE we leaving other than that the house is being revamped? Because I had to get away. From realizing that everything has been just one mistake after another and that I'm this close from being rediscovered by them. I CAN'T go through it again. Especially not now, not with Alison. I managed to hide away for so many years. Exactly 8years. And now what a coincidence that Alison is 8 too. I think I spaced out for more time than I thought because she had already started her side.

"Valen, I don't want to leave." 

Such patience, like a school teacher almost. Like I was a slow child. Funny how she can be so mature at times.

"Valen, are you listening? Holidays just started and I want to be here. With my friends. I want to get to know them. I just met them a few months back. Please."

No more time to spare if we were going to settle for the night at Malahide. Granted it's just 16km away but I wanted to make it to my friend's place on time for tea.

"Alison, we have to go because we can't stay here while the house is getting revamped and -"

"Where are we going?"

"- we're going to Anne's. Remember Katie? She's back from boarding so you have company too. So Alison. Get. In. The. Car."

Well, that worked. No more complaints. And Katie's always been like a big sister for her so hopefully those two will keep each other company. And me? I just wanted to see Anne. Not just that I've missed her but I really wanted some peace after running for so many years. And running from what? My 'family'. It just has NOT been pretty. It all started after my Bachelors degree (which please note, I was not very interested in).....

*flashback*

..."I don't want to go for English.'

"But you like reading and writing. And this is a good course..." - Why does this all sound like blah blah blah and more blah to me? I don't want to go for it for the simple reason that I don't want to be a teacher or a lecturer NOR do I wish to go to some book publishing deal NOR do I wish to go for journalism and mass media. Then WHY SHOULD I? Besides the fact I'll suck in it. Which I kindly pointed out.

"I don't like it nor do I want to do anything with it. Writing is my hobby not my job nor do I want to make it a job nor do I want to become some teacher because I won't be good at it and it will ruin my life. I won't be happy and don't tell me I'll get used to a stagnant job because I won't. Its not me. It's NOT ME. Why don't you get it? I'm 21! Stop trying to control me!"

"Psychology is useless! And nobody cares about counselors here!"

"That's because people here don't have sense. And WHO said I want to be a counselor?! I want to go for forensic psychology! And who in the WORLD said I wanted to stay HERE?! WHY WOULD I STAY HERE!?!? WITH YOU?! I DON'T WANT TO!"

Oops. That was too much. 

"What did you just say? How can you get so cheap? We raised with you with so much love and care and you throw it at our face? We should have beat you and made you realize your place when you were younger! You would never DARE to speak so disgustingly then. It's your friends, I suppose, twisting your head with all these bad ideas. You're not going for this and that is THAT. You're taking English. We won't let you dishonor this family!"

Yup. Way too much. Good thing they don't know I have enough squirreled away to leave this god-forsaken place. Even better, they don't realize I'm already packed to leave. Well it wasn't hard to sort out what I wanted to take anyways. And that I gave in an application to change my name and that I got it back fully done. That now I'm Valen Rease and not in there charge anymore especially when I've applied for and got selected as the merit scholar in a good university in UK. Yes, all that is a very good thing. Time to storm off. Quietly.

"Are you listening to us Alison!"

"It's not 'us', it's just 'you'. He's not saying anything." 

Ok, unnecessary but I couldn't help pointing out.

"Father and mother are always counted as one. When I speak, I speak for the two of us. How could you ask such questions? Are you of such low standard now?!"

Response I want to give - I can ask such questions because of my two faculties, namely, brain and mouth.

Response I give in reality - Turn my back and walk away to "my room" (not really mine - story for another time) and shut the door. Not so quietly. I didn't feel exactly polite after that...

*flashback ends*

"Valen? Vaaaalennn? Valen!"

"Huh?"

"Are you ok??" 

Brown eyes filled with so much concern. So much like his. Wherever he is. Hopefully with someone else happily settled.

"Yes Alison, I'm ok. Do you want anything?"

"Water?"

"It's in the back."

Driving here is so peaceful. So relaxing. And Alison's generally quiet. A lot like me as far as character goes though there is a good bit of him too. But at least she's not my polar opposite. I wonder... Oh DAMN!!!!

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It's official. I hate cows and I hate milk -.- and I hate them crossing the road even worse. Honk.

"Lady, don't you know you shouldn't sound horns at cows?!"