Constant pain. Constant fatigue.
My two best friends since two years.
I can't remember the last time I didn't feel pain,
Isn't it normal when things hurt
During sports, running and lunging,
During sex, all the pushing and pulling,
When standing, when walking, trying to get off the bed,
Picking up a dinner plate, starting the washing machine,
Feeding your cats?
It hurts.
It also hurts watching you, all my friends, everyone
Pass by do their thing, have hobbies,
Complete their work, lounge, watch TV and interact.
But it's like I'm in a time capsule.
Or like nothing changed from 1st to 12th,
From University to work, nothing changed.
It's all still a list of check boxes to tick -
Did I fill their food bowl?
Did I put clothes to wash?
Did I send that email?
Did I help my niece?
Did I have sex with my husband?
Did I, did I, can I, me, ever take time for me?
No. Not when it hurts.
Not with this tiredness.
Not when I can't walk and my bones ache,
And my brain is bursting, and everyone is too loud,
Too bright to join, to keep up, to even see,
But it's okay.
I have my pain and my tiredness.
Sleep will come eventually and I'll slumber somehow.
It's okay. I try everyday.
To tick all the boxes except one for me.
I'm least priority. it's okay.
Else it'll hurt too much and be too tiring,
And I just need to survive and tick
All those boxes off the list.
